by Bree Wolf
“So, you’ve said,” Robert observed, his deep hazel eyes steady as they held Colin’s as though daring him to say more.
Colin inhaled a deep breath, steeling himself against any and all arguments his friend could put forth. After all, the strongest one against ever returning to London was the thought of happening upon Jo…and her new husband.
Colin doubted he would survive such a meeting, and, therefore, it was far wiser to remain far away. As far away as possible. “So, why are you heading back?”
Setting down his glass, Robert reached inside his jacket and pulled out an envelope. “Apparently, my little brother is getting married.”
A smile came to Colin’s face as he remembered Charles Dashwood. “Let me guess, to a Lady Isabella?”
Robert shrugged. “The letter does not say. He merely threatens my hide if I don’t return to England with the utmost haste.”
Colin chuckled, “I wouldn’t have thought your brother capable of such words.”
“I may have rephrased them a little,” Robert admitted with delight. “Still, the meaning remains the same no matter how polite one expresses oneself, wouldn’t you agree?”
Colin nodded. Robert had a strange way of looking at the world, and yet, it suited him perfectly. A man who had decided to live by his own rules alone and not subject himself to the censure of others. He seemed utterly free of doubt and regret. Colin could not help but envy him.
“So?” Robert pressed, and his brows rose in challenge.
Colin inhaled a deep breath. “I’ve said on the topic all I wish to.”
Robert nodded. “I know. I know. And yet, you haven’t said much.” Fixing Colin with a daring stare, he once more reached for his glass. “You’ve never even mentioned her name nor what exactly happened. All you’ve hinted at is that she refused you.”
Colin felt his muscles tense at the memory of their encounter in the library. He had felt so certain that she would agree to marry him, and then all had fallen apart.
“You look miserable,” Robert observed, shaking his head in utter disbelief. “It’s been…what? Three years? Three years in which you’ve never even laid eyes on that woman. You cannot tell me that she still holds sway over you. That’s ludicrous.”
Colin shot to his feet. “If you wish to insult me, I might as well go.”
“Don’t get your feathers ruffled,” Robert laughed, gesturing for Colin to return to his seat. “You know very well that I had no intention of insulting you. I’m your friend. I merely wanted to point out that it might be time to leave this lady behind you and start over.” He sighed, “After all, there are worse fates than yours.” Setting down his glass, he once more reached for the letter. “My brother writes of a young woman who has lost two of her fiancés in the past few years. London whispers of a curse.” Grinning, he wriggled his eyebrows. “Now, that is what I’d call bad luck. Apparently, she’s retreated to her family’s estate, determined to remain unwed.” Robert laughed, “I suppose that’s a great relief to all of London’s gentlemen.”
Once again in the process of sitting down, Colin froze upon Robert’s retelling of the woman’s unfortunate tale as it immediately conjured an image of the day Owen fell to his death. “That woman,” Colin croaked, feeling his skin crawl with a strange sense of foreboding, “did your brother mention her name?”
“I think so,” Robert mumbled as he turned the parchment in his hands, his eyes flying over the words. “I think her name was…Black. No, not Black. Grey. Miss Johanna Grey.” His gaze rose to meet Colin’s. “Why? Do you know her?”
Shock shot through Colin, freezing his limbs and chilling his blood. Unable to keep himself upright, he plummeted into the armchair fortunately still situated behind him. His thoughts raced, and yet, they felt utterly slow, unable to process the words he had just heard.
“You cannot be serious!” Robert exclaimed, a snort spilling from his lips. “Miss Grey is the mysterious woman who refused you? To marry another? A man who−according to my brother−didn’t make it to the wedding?”
“Thank you for summing that up,” Colin forced out through gritted teeth as his mind began a quiet chant, She’s not married!
Although it felt wrong to feel joy at the thought that yet another man had died, freeing Johanna from yet another betrothal, Colin could not help the warmth that suddenly spread through his body, chasing away the icy chill that the mention of her name had first brought upon him. “She’s not married,” he whispered, almost breathless.
“How does that change things?” Robert asked, brows knitted in confusion. “She refused you. She chose that other man. She’s probably heart-broken over his loss.”
Colin swallowed, tensing at the thought of what this had done to Johanna. “I can only hope the guilt did not overwhelm her.” He cursed under his breath. “I should never have left England.”
“The guilt?” Robert enquired, the frown on his face darkening. “Why would she feel guilty?” His eyes widened. “You don’t think she had anything to do with her fiancé's d−”
“Of course not!” Colin snapped. “But she already felt at fault when Owen−” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Let me guess,” Robert said, a grin on his face, “you’ll return to England with me after all?”
Colin nodded, his hands clenching on the armrest as he thought of seeing Johanna again after telling himself for three long years that he had to forget about her.
“Do you truly think she will accept you now?”
Colin shrugged. “I don’t know. But I have to see her.”
“What if she refuses you again?”
“Then at least I’ll know how she truly feels.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Robert replied, a hint of concern tinging his voice. “I only hope she’s worth all this misery you’ve been through in the past three years.”
“Believe me, she is,” Colin whispered. “You’ll understand once you lose your heart to someone.”
For a moment, Robert stared at him before he broke down laughing. “I think I’ll have to take your word for it as I’m not the kind of man who loses his heart to anyone. Believe me, it’s better this way. Far less complicated from the looks of it.”
Colin smiled knowingly. “Do as you wish, but don’t think you’ve got a choice in this. No one decides to fall in love.”
Robert grinned back at him. “Well, then I’ll simply decide not to fall in love. That should work, shouldn’t it?” Rising to his feet, he gestured to his packed bag. “You’ll better go and grab your things. I’ll be leaving within the hour.”
Chuckling at Robert’s innocent idea of love, Colin returned to his own apartment and hastily stuffed a few things into a bag before heading back to meet his friend. As worldly as Robert was in every other way, he apparently knew nothing of love. Colin wished he could be there when Robert would finally lose his heart…and realise there was not a damn thing he could do about it!
Together, they made their way back to England. While Robert headed back to Bridgemoore to attend his brother’s wedding, Colin lost no time in reaching Holten Park, his thoughts focused on Jo. Three years had passed since they had last seen each other. Three years since they had last spoken. How had she dealt with the newest tragedy to find her? How had she survived? And how had it changed her?
Colin felt his skin crawl at the thought of all her fire and vivaciousness buried beneath bitterness and pain. He could only hope she had found a way to remain herself.
He cursed under his breath. He truly ought to have been there for her. Both times, he had run. Both times, he had left her alone. If only she could forgive him for that.
As the carriage drew to a halt in front of the large manor house, Colin stepped out, his gaze sweeping over the familiar building of his childhood. Oddly enough, his head turned to the side as though he expected to see Jo and Owen come walking around the corner. Did she feel it too? He wondered, the strange connection between past an
d present that seemed to linger here? How did she live with it day in and out?
Taking a step toward the front door, Colin stopped when an old tug jerked on his heart. A smile came to his lips, and without another thought, Colin turned away from the door and rounded the house from the east. The sun shone warmly on his head, and images of his youth returned. Not the mournful ones of the past years, but those that he knew he would treasure for the rest of his life.
When his gaze fell on the tall ash tree below Johanna’s window, Colin felt momentarily reminded of the day he and Owen had come here to free her from her mother’s punishment. For a bare moment, the image of Owen lying dead at the base of the tree flickered before his eyes. Fortunately, it was quickly replaced by the sight of his friend laughing, his face eager and full of adventure. Indeed, this was the best way to remember Owen.
His life.
Not his death.
Always would they have the memories they had shared. Always would Colin remember the wonderful friend Owen had been as well as the adventures they had embarked upon together.
He owed him that.
Stepping up to the tree, Colin inhaled a deep breath. While he would never forget Owen, he could not allow the past to keep him from moving forward. And so, he placed a hand on one of the lower hanging branches and pulled himself up.
Chapter Sixteen − A Wicked Curse
Sitting in her favourite armchair under the large window, Johanna welcomed the warmth of the morning sun on her face as she allowed her mind to get lost in another adventure. Her heart beat steadily, and yet, with a hint of excitement as she turned page after page, safe in the knowledge that nothing in this story could affect her own life.
Johanna had come to realise that it was by far more preferable to embark on adventures from the safety of her bedchamber than to venture out into the world. She had tried it before, and she could do well without the heartbreak it had caused her.
It was in that moment of utter peace that a shadow fell over her, blocking the warming sun and darkening her world.
“What?” Jo mumbled as her gaze lifted off the page and turned toward the window. Then her eyes widened in shock, and the book clattered to the floor as her heart slammed to a sudden halt.
For outside her window, perched on a thick branch, crouched the man who held her heart.
Colin.
A teasing grin stood on his face as he knocked on the window. “Is there any chance you’ll let me in?”
Suddenly jerked from her paralysis, Jo shot to her feet, panic still widening her eyes. As fast as she could, she threw open the window, her hand reaching for his. “Come quick!” she ordered as her voice trembled with fear. “Before you fall!”
Not perturbed in the least, Colin grasped her hand, his own warm against her chilled flesh, and allowed her to pull him through the window. However, the moment his feet came to rest on the floor by her abandoned book, she slapped him hard across the cheek. “Are you insane?” she snapped, her jaw trembling as she flung curses at his head, berating him for risking his life. Her hands grabbed the front of his jacket, and despite his significantly larger frame, she shook him with surprising strength, her limbs fuelled by fear.
Watching her, Colin smiled as though her anger pleased him, as though she had just confessed that her heart was his and had always been. Could he truly read her that well? Did he know? Perhaps he did, after all, one did not fear for someone one did not love, did one?
After a while, all strength left Johanna, and she all but sagged against him, her forehead coming to rest against his chest as she breathed in and out slowly.
“I’m sorry I frightened you,” Colin whispered into her hair as his arms pulled her deeper into his embrace. How long had it been since he had last held her?
Too long.
Johanna only too well remembered their shared moment in the library years ago, and she felt herself respond with the same longing as she had then.
“How are you?” he whispered, his voice tentative, and yet, urgent as though a part of him was eager to receive the answer that had brought him here, unable to wait, to take it slow and enjoy a moment of peace.
After all, why else had he come if not to renew his intentions? There was no other explanation, and Johanna knew she ought to crush his hopes−as well as her own! −before they rose too high.
A deep sigh left her lips before she lifted her head, her brown eyes wide as they met his. “I was fine until a moment ago.”
Grinning, Colin held on tighter when she tried to pull away. “Are you saying you’re not happy to see me?”
Her brows knitted together, and she gave him such a disgusted look that he almost laughed. “I’m not happy to see you climb in my window,” she snapped, and for a second, she was tempted to slap him again. “What on earth possessed you to do so?”
Colin frowned. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve climbed in your window numerous times, have I not? You never seemed to mind before.”
Her nose crinkled, and her lips pressed into a thin line as Colin regarded her with something akin to mock bewilderment. “What are you doing here?”
“Are you not happy to see me?”
“Will you answer the question?” she snapped before she shoved hard against his chest, freeing herself from his embrace.
Colin swallowed, and his gaze darkened, losing all humour. “I heard what happened.”
Again, her brows knitted together. “You heard what?”
“I heard that your fiancé passed away.”
“Oh.” For a reason Johanna could not name, she had always told herself that he knew. Perhaps believing it had put her mind at ease as it no longer meant that upon learning the news, he would come rushing back to England…and she would have to refuse him a second time.
And yet, here he was.
Colin shrugged. “When you…refused me, I left England.” He sought her gaze, and Johanna could not bring herself to look away no matter how much she wished she could. “I left, and I didn’t look back.”
“I understand,” Johanna replied, willing her chin to remain up. “You were right to do so.”
Colin frowned, a hint of anger coming to his emerald gaze. “No, I was not. I should have stayed to ensure that you were all right. But I simply left. Again.”
Hearing the pain and regret in his voice, Johanna steeled herself. “It is not your duty−nor was it ever−to ensure that I’m fine. We’re friends. Nothing more.”
With each word she had spoken, Colin’s gaze had hardened. “You do not truly believe that,” he demanded, advancing on her. “After last we spoke, it was quite clear that it was only your previous engagement that stood between us.” He inhaled a slow breath, and briefly his gaze dropped to her lips. “You made that very clear.”
Overwhelmed by the myriad of emotions his lingering gaze elicited, Johanna took a step back. “I apologise if I gave you a wrong impression. I assure you I had no intention of−”
Shooting forward, Colin’s hands seized her by the upper arms. “Do not lie to me!” he snarled, pain more than anger contorting his face. “We may not have seen each other in many years, but I still know you better than anyone.” His brows rose in challenge. “I can see that you’re lying. I can see that you’re afraid and that you’re trying to hide it. What I don’t understand is why! Why would you push me away when in truth you want me as much as I want you?”
His open admission took Johanna’s breath away, and she stared up at him, her limbs beginning to tremble as hope once more blossomed in her heart.
In her mind’s eye, she could see a future with Colin, a life shared, full of laughter and joy and happiness. She could see evenings by the fire and picnics on warm summer days, their children running through the tall-stemmed grass as they themselves once had.
Johanna could see all that. More than that, Jo wanted all that.
And yet, when she closed her eyes she would forever see Owen and Brendan lying dead at her feet, London’s whispers of a curs
e ringing in her ears.
A part of Johanna urged her not to listen. It was the same part that had on occasion encouraged her to write to Colin after all.
But fear was a strong opponent, especially when one did not fear for one’s own life, but for the life of someone one loved.
“Perhaps I did want you,” Johanna admitted, her gaze almost unblinking as she stared up at him. “Once.” Shaking her head, she held his gaze as her heart broke into a thousand pieces. “But now everything is different. I’ve changed. I no longer want what I once did. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but I think it would be better if you simply left.” Her voice almost broke on the last word, and Johanna felt her teeth press together painfully to keep from sobbing into Colin’s shirt.
For a long moment, he watched her, his face intent and almost free of the anger she had seen there before. Then the hands on her arms relaxed as something dark momentarily sparked in his eyes. “All right,” Colin relented as though her words had not touched him. “But before I go, may I kiss you goodbye?”
Jo froze as the memories of their first and only kiss returned as though it had happened only the day before and not three long years ago. Again, Jo felt her knees grow weak and her breath quicken. Her body itched to be held in his embrace, and she wanted nothing more but to feel his lips on hers yet again.
“No, you may not.” Swallowing, Jo lifted her gaze, trying her best to appear steadfast and confident, knowing that if he were to kiss her, her resolve would no doubt wither and die. No, she needed him to leave.
Now.
“Why not?” Colin demanded, and the corners of his mouth curved upward as though he was pleased by her answer.
Johanna swallowed hard. “Because…”
Inhaling a deep breath, Colin stepped toward her, his green eyes fixed on her face. “Why are you lying to me?” he demanded, and Jo belatedly realised that she had just failed his test. “I can see that you’re afraid. Why will you not tell me what scares you so? What is so awful that you’re willing to forgo all the happiness that would surely await us?” Frustrated, he glared at her. “If you truly want me to go, then you need to tell me the truth. For as long as you lie, know that I will remain right where I am.” His brows rose in challenge. “Nothing but the truth can move me.”