by Kimball Lee
*
Atticus had been in the ocean for three hours before the sun rose on his thirteenth day of training and his brain had narrowed all conscious thought to simple ‘fight or flight’ scenarios. His team was swimming back to shore from so many miles out they were no longer counting and no one cared. Swimming was all that mattered as Atticus navigated, checking the compass strapped to his wrist and swimming east praying that he could outlast the exhaustion that gripped his body. He and Holden and the rest of their team adjusted their course and swam toward a far off shoreline that had just come into view. A moment later a dozen fins broke the surface and moved toward Atticus but he didn’t care, let the sharks make an end of him, what would it matter? His thoughts had been on Finn all night long, stories he remembered, adventures they had shared. He was aware of Holden yelling at him to get back to in the group but the first swift fins were too close and when the slick gray bodies bumped him he was separated from his team. Then they were everywhere, surrounding him, their noses rose out of the water, their dark eyes glistening, their mouths a swipe of perpetual grin. The dolphins were so close that Atticus reached out and stroked two of them and then they swarmed, eager for his touch. They whistled and clicked and swam along with him, their noses pointing the way home.
“Dolphins,” Holden shouted and he signaled for the team to drop back and let Atticus go on ahead.
Atticus had ripped off his dive mask and flashed Holden a look of momentary joy mixed with heartrending sadness as the words formed on his lips, “My dad is gone.” Then he turned and swam toward shore as a burst of adrenaline shot through him and the dolphins jumped and dove and stayed by his side until he was safely on the beach.
He crawled out of the water gasping for breath then he stood and ran toward the barracks dropping his gear and peeling off his wetsuit along the way. The Master Chief was waiting near the door and he yelled at Atticus that he had some awfully bad news for him.
“You better go back down to the beach and ring out, Hale, you won’t be coming back. Go on now, ring that big brass bell three times and you are outta here. I can see that this is gonna do you in, boy. Too bad, so sad, love Dad,” the Master Chief growled as the base Commanding Officer walked up next to him and told him to shut the fuck up.
“Hale, I have a message here for you,” the C.O. said. “Why don’t you put some clothes on, son, and I’ll drive you home myself.”
Atticus turned to face them, he was naked and dripping ocean water and sweat. His body was bronzed from days spent running drills in the sun and he was so tall and his muscles were so finely honed he resembled the marble statue of David. He walked toward the Master Chief with the blazing fire of hatred in his eyes and the C.O. stepped between them and ordered the Chief to wait for him in his office.
The truth of Finn’s death washed over Atticus at last and he let the argument drop and disappeared inside the barracks.
“It’s probably a bad idea to provoke that young man when his temper is up, Master Chief. He’s the best candidate we’ve seen since… well, since his father was here.”
“I’m gonna break him whether you like it or not, I got an old score to settle and besides, that boy’s temper is always up. He’s a bad seed and I intend to weed him out.”
“Careful, Master Chief, whether you like it or not he is not a boy, he’s a grown man. Not to mention that he’s younger, stronger and a helluva lot bigger than you are. He could kick your ass across this base and then pick it up and hand it to you. And right about now I’d stand by and cheer him on if he took a mind to do it. Leave your personal issues at home when you set foot on my base, do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir!” the Master Chief mumbled through clinched teeth, “I will not provoke Atticus Hale on this base.”
*
It was the loneliest feeling Charlotte had ever known, looking up into Bly’s familiar face and recognizing the truth of her situation. She had been sitting quietly, staring straight ahead at a line of Navy SEAL’s dressed in military finery as they filed past the urn that held Finn’s ashes. Each man draped the urn with a medal to honor Finnegan Hale as a brother in arms. Finn had ordered the fine wooden urn months before from a craftsman, and it had been carved with images of waves and dolphins just as he’d specified. He’d planned every detail of his memorial service and he’d given the list of instructions to Bly to carry out.
Charlotte had watched as long as she could stand to and then the music Finn had chosen began to play. It made her want to scream, it made her want to rage against a universe as cruel as the one where she was stranded. Charlie was sitting stoically beside her and she hugged him tight and whispered “I’m sorry” to him and Atticus and Hadley. Then she walked to the podium, gathered the medals and took herself and the urn away from all the people who were fidgety and anxious to rush back to their unbroken lives.
Bly followed Charlotte as she fled the North Island Chapel and now she stood under a bleak stormy sky hugging the urn in her arms and looking as if she had no idea what to do next. The rain began slowly at first, just a smattering of dime sized drops and then the wind picked up and the deluge began in earnest. Bly opened the door of his Bentley and Charlotte scooted into the back seat, her tears disguised by the merciless rain. Bly walked around the car, got in and sat next to her.
“Your suit is ruined,” she said and it was nothing more than a vague comment.
“Charlotte,” Bly said, peeling off the wet jacket and unknotting his tie. “What can I do to make you, I don’t know, less miserable? My hands are tied really, your broken heart isn’t fixable, but I’ll try and help if tell me what you need right now. It’s going to take time for you to heal, I hate saying that, it’s such a cliché, ‘time heals’… Jude and I were talking before the service, we want to make life simple for you so you can… navigate, find your way back. I’ll take care of Charlie, he has free run of my house and he’s good company. He’s set up a whole little world in Atti’s room, I don’t think it hurts if I spoil him a little. Charlotte, we all want to stay as close as you want or to give you as much space as you need. It’s a sad truth that the ones who love you can’t undo this tragedy, but we’re here to lift you up when you’re sinking. Atticus, Hadley and Charlie, they’re hurting because of their loss and because of yours. We realize that what you and Finn had was extraordinary… I hurt for you, Charlotte, if I could change the world I swear on my life that I would.”
Charlotte looked up suddenly, hearing those familiar words and she only knew that her two heroes, Finn and Bly, the men she loved, couldn’t change the world.
The storm had worsened, black clouds rolled in from the ocean and a wretched cold November wind shook the trees and sent swarms of leaves flying. Charlotte’s hands trembled from cold or nerves or fear as they relentlessly smoothed the top of the urn. Bly laid his hands over hers to warm them and then he lifted Charlotte’s left hand and placed it over his heart and asked what she needed from him.
“Your keys, give me your car keys,” she said, pulling her hand away from the expensive fabric of his shirt. It wasn’t right to take comfort in his warmth, he would hold her and comfort her with no expectations, she knew that for certain. But how could she let herself be comforted and enfolded in Bly’s love when Finn was lost to her forever?
“Where will you go, Charlotte? The service isn’t over yet, the kids are still inside. You can’t drive, not with your emotions running wild. I’ll take you wherever you want to go, or Billy can drive if you’d rather,” Bly said, trying to take the urn from her but she twisted away and wrapped her arms around it.
“Give me your keys Bly, that’s all I want, please. I’m leaving because I feel this noise building inside me and it’s going to become the most horrible scream. And when it starts, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop it and I don’t want to scare my children.”
“You’re scaring me, Charlotte, tell me where you want to go and I’ll take you,” he said, brushing the hair off his forehead as Att
icus slipped into the car.
Atticus reached over the seat and lifted the urn away from Charlotte and asked her if she was ready to go home.
“Mom, let one of us take you home, okay? I know you just want to run away from here, from everything and everyone. It’s what I did, but I can’t say that I feel any better for having done it. Hadley and Holden are going to Alex’s house with Charlie and if you just say something, give me a sign, I’ll take you wherever you wanna go. The C.O. on base will let me slide if I’m a few days late getting back, so I can drive you. We’re going to make it, Mom, listen to me. Dad came to me, I was swimming and I had hit this wall in my head, I was exhausted and freezing. I was ready to give up, and then there were these fins all around, they were dolphins and they swam with me to shore…. We’ll figure out how to handle the pain, Mom, I promise you,” Atticus said, and Charlotte leaned forward and held her tear stained cheek against his.
“Drive, Atticus,” Evangeline said as she climbed in and closed the car door decisively. “The sun is out, Charlotte, the rain has moved on for now, I think it’s a good sign. You’ll be going home with us and you can have the bedroom next to Charlie’s. It will be quite cozy for once in that lifeless house of Alexander’s. Amanda and Charles are hosting a small reception on the patio for your acquaintances, Alexander and Atticus can help her deal with the morbid drudgery of well-wishers. No need for you to suffer through endless proclamations about God’s perfect plan or the sheer idiocy of misfortune happening for the best.”
Evangeline stopped talking to powder her nose and reapply her lipstick and with the mirror flipped down she caught a glimpse of her surprised and speechless son. “Stop here, Atti, I need to speak with Amanda.” She rolled down the window and motioned impatiently for Amanda. “Plan to stay with us for a day or two at Alexander’s after the reception, Amanda. And tell Charlotte’s father and brother not to give her another thought, she’s in capable hands with the Bly family. And prepare yourself, we girls have some issues to examine. We’re all widows now and it’s our duty to fortify one another in our battle against sadness and guilt. Don’t look so shocked Alexander, do you honestly think I didn’t grieve for your father? Perhaps I didn’t love him as much as he deserved, but I loved him enough that I’ve never been the same since he passed away.”
Charlotte settled back against the leather seat and her instinct was to let Bly hold her, to let herself be pulled in and hidden inside his tremendous love for her. Instead, she gathered her memories around her, memories of Finn, memories were all that was left of their love.
“Go, Atticus, let’s get out of here,” Bly said as a group of SEAL’s lined the front steps of the chapel and saluted as Charlie carried the folded flag with Hadley and Holden close behind him. Atticus started the engine, hit the gas and the Bentley roared away leaving a crowd of confused mourners behind.
“I couldn’t do it, Atti, can you forgive me?” Charlotte whispered as they drove through the rain dampened streets. “I couldn’t sit there and watch Finn’s SEAL buddies walking past in their pretty uniforms draping the urn with their medals. I didn’t want some bugler to play taps or an officer to hand me that folded flag to commemorate his years of bravery. I know Finn planned it all right down to our song, but it was just too much,” Charlotte said and she swallowed the Valium that Evangeline handed her. “Our song… it was just too sad. Get my phone, Bly, it’s in my purse. Play it over and over, play our song now while I fall asleep, surely I can’t feel any lower than I do at this moment.”
Bly fumbled around and found Charlotte’s phone then he looked at Atticus who nodded sadly and he hit ‘play’ and the haunting words filled the car.
“We were born before the wind, also younger than the sun. Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic. Hark, now hear the sailor’s cry, smell the sea and feel the sky, let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic. And when that fog horn blows I will be coming home, and when the fog horn blows I want to hear it, I don’t have to fear it. And I want to rock your gypsy soul, just like way back in the days of old, and magnificently we will flow into the mystic.”
Chapter Six
“I’m leaving, with Charlie, of course. It’s time that we get back into our daily routine,” Charlotte said as she sat having coffee in the sunroom of Bly’s mansion. “This house is excessively huge, did you realize that when you bought it? Why did you need all this space?” She asked Bly who sat across from her, she was rambling, making idle conversation to keep him from asking her not to go.
“I don’t know really, I guess I thought I needed a big house and I liked the location. My offices were in L.A. but you had just started law school here at USD. It was available and when I saw it I thought of you and babies and…” he said.
“Jude is picking us up in an hour,” Charlotte said, and she stood up quickly. A scene flooded her mind of a day long gone when she and Bly had settled into a cushy sofa in that very room and talked about babies just before they made love.
“Jude is picking you up? Jude is coming here now to pick you up? What the fuck is that all about? Isn’t it a little too soon for you to be dating? Doesn’t the man have any decency, it’s been what, four months since his brother…?”
“How can you even think that I would be interested in dating, Bly? I’m not, I’m nowhere close to getting over Finn and besides, I don’t want to get over him. Jude is Charlie’s uncle and it will be good for them to spend some quality time together.”
“Is this about last night, Charlotte? Because it shouldn’t be. You’ve been here for four months and you came into my bedroom and I held you while you cried, no sex, nothing amorous about it. It’s alright to crave a little warmth, a bit of human contact. We laid next to each other and you slept through the night for the first time in who knows how long. Now you’re running away and intent on throwing obstacles in our path. Do I wish that sometime in the future, hopefully before we’re both in a nursing home, that you’ll commit to a relationship with me? Hell yeah, but I’m not obsessing about it, I’m waiting for you to loosen the fucking reins and let yourself be happy, but I’m not holding my breath anymore. And Charlotte, Charlie and I have made plans to fly to England several times this year to catch the Manchester games. He’s looking forward to it so I would appreciate if you wouldn’t screw that up for us.”
“No, I won’t,” she whispered, shaking off her irrational longing for him to hold her again, to insist that she stay. “I might like to join you for one of the games. He does love his time with you, Bly, thank you for…”
“You don’t need to thank me, I enjoy his company, he’s a little bit of you and Finn and Atticus thrown together. How could I not love him? I promised Finn…” Bly stopped short, he wasn’t quite ready to tell Charlotte that he and Finn had talked last summer at the beach and then again in Las Vegas when Finn had given him the letter for Charlotte. “As far as going to a game with us, that’s up to Charlie, you’ll have to get his permission.”
“What did you promise Finn?” Charlotte asked, studying Bly’s face. She was in love him, that wasn’t something she’d been able to control or get past even through all the happy years with Finn. But Finn had pointed her toward Jude and she owed it to his memory to give his brother a chance. “I’m seriously confused, Bly, when did this happen, in Las Vegas? Obviously Finn asked you to handle the details of his memorial service, but why would he ask you to be a father to Charlie and then tell me that I need to make a life with Jude?”
“Charlotte, what are you saying? That Finn told you to date his brother? No way, no no no. A man would never want his wife sleeping with or marrying his brother. That’s a major fuck up, you misheard what he said, Charlotte. Fuck, it goes against the laws of God and nature, I would imagine. Isn’t there something about not coveting or sleeping with your brother’s wife in the Bible?” Bly said and he was so irate that Charlotte wondered if he was right.
“Mr. Bly, there’s a man at the door who wants to see Miss…” one of
the maids started but Bly cut her off.
“You can send that man away, why the fuck did Billy allow him on the property? Never mind, I’ll send his ass on his merry way myself. What a dick! If that arrogant fuck thinks he can slip in here and steal his brother’s family…” Bly shouted and left the room in a hurry.
“Miss Charlotte, it’s your brother Christopher at the door, he’s here to see Miss Amanda,” the maid said and she and Charlotte both breathed a sigh of relief.
*
Evangeline and Amanda hadn’t meant to stay on at Bly’s for four months but they had some major issues to discuss and the room service was great. They started arguing by the end of the first week and they hadn’t slowed down so Bly banished them to the far reaches of the mansion. They were there to have quality girl time with Charlotte but Evangeline spent her days dodging calls from Charles Tremont and enjoying nightly visits from West. Amanda was attempting to resolve a lifetime’s worth of grievances with her mother but she was horribly upset about her son Jack’s quest to follow JP’s career path. She was prone to hitting the liquor bottle after lunch each day and she usually added just a drop or two to her morning coffee to start the day off right.
“I’m not ready to go home to an empty house,” Amanda said as she sipped a vodka tonic then spit it out when she realized her mother had filled all the liquor bottles with water. “Ugh, maybe I am ready to go home, what are you, Mother the cocktail police?”
“Where you’re concerned, yes I am. Do you have any idea how monumentally ruinous alcohol is to your health, Amanda? It has an immediate dehydrating effect on your skin as well as adding pounds to your already rotund figure. Honestly, do you simply have no regard for your appearance? Obviously you don’t, which means the chances of you ever landing another husband are slim to none,” Evangeline said as she lowered herself gracefully onto the sofa and spritzed her face with a mist of mineral water.