Make her feel guilty
Play a relaxation tape
Have wild sex
Play soothing music
Walk in the park
Feed her ice cream
Step 3: Evaluate and Select a Solution
When your list is as long as you can possibly make it and your internal editor has been as quiet as you can make it, it is time to sort through your ideas. Some of them will obviously be unrealistic and you can cross them off right away. Now go through the rest of the list and rate each idea for how likely you think it is to work and for how easy it is to do. Above all, if the activity is supposed to compete with drinking, remember it must be rewarding to your drinker. Also, don't just pick your favorite idea and ignore the rest. You might find out the favorite one doesn't work and that you need a backup. Rate them all, and then circle the one that you rated as the most likely to succeed and as easy to do. This is your first choice for a solution to your problem. This is your plan.
You can see what Richard did with his brainstorming list in Step 3. Happily, he decided that getting rid of the kids was not an option. He also eliminated a few other ideas that did not feel realistic. As you can see, he concluded that a neck rub and an offer to fix dinner while she bathed were his two top choices.
Richard's evaluation and selection
Step 4: Try It and Track It
Once you have a plan of action, try it. But don't do what you've done all these years—trying and trying and trying. This time, try like a scientist. That means implement your plan and keep track of how it works. It is best to actually write out how you will handle the problem the next time it occurs and then make notes as soon as possible after you try it. This way, you will be able to tell exactly how well it worked or, if it fell short, just what parts need adjustment. Sometimes you will be able to adjust your plan just a little to make it right. Other times you will need to go back to Step 3 and select a new solution.
At the end of Step 3, Richard wrote out his plan for the next time Louise came home from work in a nasty mood. Below you can see his notes about how his plan went the first few times he tried it.
* * *
Plan: When Louise comes home griping about her boss, I will rub her neck and tell her how much the kids and I appreciate her. Then I'll suggest she take a hot bath while I fix dinner.
Oct. 5: She came home in one of those moods, and I rubbed her neck and said nice stuff to her. But I really wanted to be together, so I suggested we fix dinner together. It started out okay until the kids got into a screaming match and Louise's mood went down the drain. She ended up drunk and asleep on the sofa by the time I got done putting the kids to bed.
* * *
Plan revision: Stick with the darn plan next time and try it again!
Oct. 11: Another one of those days at work for her. This time I followed the neck rub and nice words with an offer to fix dinner while she bathed. Louise loved the idea and went off happily. About halfway through fixing dinner, I heard the children knocking on the bathroom door wanting to know when Mom was going to start working on Halloween costumes. Louise cut her bath short and came downstairs clearly annoyed. She insisted one drink with dinner would help calm her down but…the usual story.
* * *
Plan revision: Keep the kids out of her hair and calm.
Oct. 15: Here we go again. This time, I did everything as planned and made the kids stay in the kitchen with me. Louise was able to soak in the tub and came down to dinner with a smile on her face. At one point during the evening she suggested we have a drink together, but I told her how much I was enjoying just our being together and she let the topic go. Success!
* * *
Step 5: Evaluate, Refine, or Try Another Idea
This step really happens pretty much together with Step 4. As you implement your plans and track them, you will have ideas for how to improve them. As you saw in Richard's notes, each time he described how the evening went, he also adjusted his plan to make it more effective.
Please remember, always, that the changes you are working on are changes in how you and your drinker live. By definition, they are dynamic, or ever changing. It will never be the case that you decide on a way of responding to a person or situation and never have to modify it. From day to day to month to year, we change. Our plans and approaches for interacting have to change too. Do not be discouraged if your plans do not work perfectly the first time or the fiftieth time. Just keep tracking and refining. It will come together for you.
Action Summary
If it hasn't worked in the past, it's unlikely to work now. If the problem is still there, examine it under a new light.
Recap
Define the problem.
Brainstorm solutions—lock your internal editor out of the room.
Evaluate your solutions and select one to try.
Try it and track it.
Evaluate, refine, or try another idea.
Kathy and Jim: Finding New Paths
As Kathy gradually made changes in how she responded to Jim's drinking behavior, she began to feel pretty good about their future. He was still drinking more than was good for their relationship, but the physical violence had not happened in months and Jim's general mood around the house was considerably improved. There was still a fair bit of work left to be done before Kathy was willing to accept the situation as permanent. In particular, Kathy really wanted Jim to spend more time with the children, but whenever she suggested it and he agreed to take them bowling the upcoming Friday, he would sabotage the plans by having a couple of beers when he got home from work. Then Kathy would drop the idea of an outing because she didn't want him drinking and then driving with the children in the car.
Kathy decided that her gentle suggestions, angry reprimands, and tactical cajoling just weren't going to do the trick. So she decided to look at the problem in a new light. First, she tried to put her finger on the heart of the problem (that is, clearly define it). She knows that Jim loves their kids and wants to have a relationship with them. In looking over the pattern of aborted father-children outings, she identified what she thought was the real problem. She had always brought up the subject during the week, and Jim, wanting to be with his kids, would agree and plan it for the end of the week—Friday. The problem was that when he would get home from work at the end of the day, he would be tired and a little irritable. The kids, on the other hand, would be revved up and ready to go bowling with Dad. The resulting combination was a tired, irritable father and a roomful of noisy, rambunctious children—not a recipe for success. Kathy made a list of possible solutions, including rehearsing the children on appropriate behavior for when Dad came home and having them ready to leave the moment he walked into the house so there would be no time for beer. The best solution, she felt, was what she humorously called her one-two punch. She again suggested to Jim that he take the children bowling, but when he agreed to do so the following Friday, she told him that at the end of a tough work week she thought it would be better to drop the kids off at her parents and just the two of them go out for supper (her one punch). Then (the two punch), on Saturday afternoon, after he had slept in and lazed around the house for a while, bowling would be a fun outing, not only for the kids but for Jim as well. Jim thought this was a great idea and agreed to the plan.
When the weekend rolled around again, Jim and Kathy enjoyed their dinner out; he started to order a beer at dinner but caught the look of disappointment on Kathy's face and stopped himself. Everyone enjoyed the trip to the bowling alley Saturday afternoon—even Kathy who got a blessed afternoon of quiet at home as a result.
chapter 9
Communication
Harold and DeeAnne
“Every single time we try to talk about anything more personal than the football scores, we get into a major fight,” DeeAnne told us when she called the clinic. “It seems as though he goes out of his way to do the things that make me mad. Even when I ask him really nicely to stop something or to do something for me
, he starts yelling and uses it as an excuse to get another drink. He knows how much I hate it when he drinks that much!”
At the heart of every relationship is communication. If the people in the relationship cannot find a way to tell each other what they need, what they want, and what they appreciate in each other, the relationship is skating on thin ice.
Communicate
We talked a little about communication style in chapter 5 where we gave examples of how to translate your statements from negative to positive. For example, instead of saying, “I hate it when you drink,” you could make the statement more positive by saying, “I love being with you when you're sober.” Both statements ask for the same result (sobriety) but one uses fighting words and the other uses loving words.
When relationships run into hard times, drinking-related or not, there are four predictable changes in the way partners communicate: They stop using statements that (1) are Positive, (2) begin with I, (3) show Understanding, and (4) demonstrate a willingness to Share responsibility for the situation. In other words, their communication patterns are no longer PIUS. As the relationship becomes more and more conflictual, conversations lose their positive components and focus almost exclusively on the negative. Participants tend to make “you” statements in place of “I” statements, and they stop letting the other person know that they understand how the other feels. Finally, they stop sharing responsibility for their life together and focus on trying to assign blame.
PIUS statements have a softer feel to them. The listener doesn't feel attacked and therefore is less likely to counterattack. It is not difficult to learn a more gentle communication style, but it does take practice. When you have been attacking each other for some time and have a history of hurt feelings, changing how you communicate is at first a little like swimming upstream; it is possible but you have to concentrate. What you will find, though, is that if you make the effort to improve the way you communicate, your drinker will find fewer excuses to respond negatively to you.
Positive Statements
Since we talked about using positive statements earlier, we will not repeat ourselves here. However, it is helpful to review examples of how negative statements can be turned into positive statements. Take the time to read the following list and think about some of the statements you have said to your loved one recently.
“I” Statements
The quickest way to elicit a fight is to make someone feel attacked. And the easiest way to do that is by beginning your statement with the word “you.” As soon as most people hear this word, they prepare for attack—and for good reason. Beginning a sentence with “you” flags the listener that she is about to be the center of attention. Given the habitually conflictual nature of your relationship, your drinker naturally expects this focus to be an attack. Hence, she prepares for fight or flight. From there it is a quick breath to an argument.
When you talk to your drinker about problems or emotional issues, make it a point to tell him how you feel or what you want, not what he is doing wrong. The examples below will make this clear.
Understanding Statements
There is another piece to the communication puzzle that will help the two of you get along better in spite of the problems you discuss. Try to include “understanding statements” in your discussions. That is, let your loved one know that you understand her and that you care about her feelings. For instance, let's say you are trying to get your drinker to go out and look for a job. You can use all the techniques we have already discussed and say, “Honey, I am so worried about our financial situation right now. It would really help if you sent out some job applications today.” That would be a great start. However, it would be even better if you added an understanding statement to let your loved one know you appreciate how difficult this is for him. Thus, you might say, “Honey, I know how frustrating it is for you to job hunt in this tough market, but I'm so worried…”
Showing that you understand how the other person feels makes it easier for that person to hear you without feeling she has to defend herself.
Share the Responsibility
We have spent a lot of time exploring how your behavior is intertwined with that of your drinker. Even though you are not the cause of the problem, you are intimately involved with it and do have an effect on it. Thus, it makes sense to share some of the responsibility for things that go wrong. (Not in all cases, but when appropriate.)
When you ask your drinker to make a change, along with acknowledging how difficult it is, let your loved one know that you see yourself as part of the picture. Keep in mind, however, that you do not need to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong or for your drinker's behavior. You just need to acknowledge that you are part of whatever situation is going on. Here are examples of how you might do this.
“I understand that you get upset when the kids make so much noise. Maybe I could get them to play in their room so you can concentrate on looking at the want ads.”
“I know it's partly my fault that we argue so much. I'm going to try to be more understanding, and I hope you will also try to see my side of the issues.”
“I know I sometimes react strongly to your drinking even when it's uncalled for. Let's work together to solve our differences.”
One of the easiest ways to show that you see yourself as part of the situation and to defuse an emotional situation is to say something along the lines of, “Can I help? You look upset.”
PIUS Communication in Action
Now it is time to look at how DeeAnne softened her communication approach to Harold. Activities 17 and 18 walk you through the changes she made. As you review the examples, think about how you would apply the PIUS style to your life. Then work both activities in your notebook.
Activity 17. Past Arguments
Think about the last three arguments you had with your loved one that began with you trying to tell or ask him/her something. Describe each one in as much detail as you can.
Argument #1
* * *
Harold and I were going to meet some friends for dinner, and on the way there I asked him, “Please don't drink tonight because you always get drunk and embarrass me.” He replied that he doesn't always get drunk and if I'm so embarrassed by him, why do I even go out with him. I yelled something back…can't remember what now…and we ended up turning around to go home.
Argument #2
* * *
It was Friday night, and I was late getting home from work…meeting ran over. When I walked in around 7:00, Harold was stretched out on the sofa with a twelve-pack of beer in the ice chest on the floor and five of the bottles already empty. Since I knew he had only beat me home by about an hour, I knew he had knocked back those five pretty quickly and was probably already useless in terms of helping me fix dinner and make out the shopping list for the supermarket. “You're drunk again,” I said. “Screw you” was his response. We didn't talk again that night.
Argument #3
* * *
After a pretty nice evening together taking in a movie, I thought it would be a good time to reinforce Harold for sobriety. I said, “You are so much nicer when you're not drunk,” thinking I was giving him a compliment. Well, he totally took it the wrong way and blew up at me, “There you go, riding me again, always complaining about drinking.” I reacted and told him that if he wasn't such a drunk, I wouldn't need to complain, and from there the evening went straight down the tubes.
The next activity asks you to pick one of the three arguments you described in Activity 17 and map out a PIUS communication.
Activity 18. PIUS Planning
Select one argument from Activity 17 and rewrite your part so that it is Positive, leads in with “I” statements, shows Understanding of your drinker's struggles or point of view, and Shares responsibility with him/her.
Next time Harold and I have a nice evening when he doesn't drink, I am not even going to mention drinking. A more positive way to talk about the evening is to
focus just on the fact that he is sober and not compare it to when he is not. Also, I think I need to let him know how happy being with him sober makes me feel and that I know it's not always easy for him. Finally, I should tell him that I do consider myself part of the situation and share the load with him. So, putting it together, I'll say something like, “Hon, thank you so much for this wonderful evening. I really love being with you like this [he knows I mean sober, don't need to say it], and I know it's not always easy for you so that makes it really special. What can I do to make things better for you?”
Having planned out her PIUS communication, DeeAnne rehearsed it mentally to make sure that when the time came, she was ready. Now you do the same.
Action Summary
The way you talk to your loved one not only reflects how you feel about him, but also sets the tone for his reactions to you. Practice using the PIUS communication style we discussed in this chapter. If need be, do some homework. Write down negative statements you have made to your loved one in the past and practice rewriting them in PIUS format. Then make sure you use this style to let your loved one know what you would like her to do and how you will respond to that behavior. The more clearly and “PIUS-ly” you communicate your requests and plans, the easier it will be for your loved one to cooperate.
Get Your Loved One Sober Page 13