There are a thousand and one areas in which you can take the “try it, you'll like it” approach. Anytime you ask for a change from your drinker, think about how you can make that change a baby step he can easily take and you can reward. Below are examples of how our clients have successfully used this approach over the years.
Instead of trying to get someone to commit to helping keep the entire house tidy forever, focus on one behavior at a time: “Honey, I know it upsets you when I leave my makeup in the bathroom sink, so I cleared it off. If you will keep your wet towels on the rack and off the floor, I'll promise to keep my makeup off the sink.” When you have the towel challenge whipped, you can tackle the dinner dishes and so on.
Changing the way a parent relates to a small child is no easier than changing the way you and your drinker relate to one another. If you want to improve your drinker's behavior toward your children, avoid asking her to “be nicer” or “more understanding.” Those are great big global changes and hard to define. Rather, ask for one small behavior change. For example, you might say, “It upsets me terribly when you yell at Billy about his room. If you try to calmly tell him when it's too messy, I'll help him keep it tidy.”
More couples argue about money than just about anything else. This can be a particularly bad problem if one member of the couple is a problem drinker who is either unemployed or spends money inappropriately. Again, it is easier to ask for one little behavior modification than to change the drinker's entire style. A good first step would sound like this: “I understand that you are under a lot of pressure, and I don't want to add to it. I am worried about being able to pay the bills though. Do you think we could plan out a household budget so we have enough to run the house?”
“You just don't talk to me anymore” has never, to our knowledge, resulted in an increase in communication. If you want to open the lines of communication, ask for one small change such as, “Lately we just haven't been on the same page. I'd like to spend some time with you just talking about our relationship. Can we set aside just thirty minutes tomorrow morning to talk?” There is no need to ask for a monthlong commitment to this activity. In fact, there is no need to insist on thirty minutes. Ten will do as well. Ask for an amount of time and a number of days that you think will be easy for your drinker. Then, no matter how the conversations go, reward the fact that your loved one took the time to do this for you. A kiss, hug, or simply a heartfelt thank-you opens him up to further communications.
Sex and affectionate displays are often the first to fall by the wayside of problem drinking. If your drinker has bemoaned your lack of willingness and you have no interest in kissing a bottle, work on one sober kiss at a time. Make coming to bed sober as attractive as you can. For instance, “If you come home right after work, I'll have my mother watch the kids and I'll wear that new teddy you like so much. One thing may lead to another…. What do you say?”
Notice how in all of the examples the speaker uses the PIUS pattern. The communications are positive and clearly share responsibility for the situation. When relevant, they demonstrate understanding and employ “I” statements. It is also important to be aware that each of these speakers first made sure the rewards they offered were appealing to their drinkers. Remember, young Sammy would not have cleaned his room for the promise of eggplant—even if it is his mother's favorite food.
Track Yourself
When clients work with us at the clinic, they have the luxury of coming into the office regularly and reviewing their progress—what they tried, what went right, what went wrong, and how they can improve it. Unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of meeting with you privately and coaching you through this process. However, we can tell you about the next best thing. Keep a written record of your plans, how/when you use them, what happens, and how you revise them. In other words, keep track of yourself just as you would if we were meeting regularly to review your outcomes.
Because you are so intimately involved in everything that happens, it will be particularly difficult for you to objectively analyze what happens by just reviewing it mentally. Putting it down on paper is the best way to help you take a step back and get a clear picture of how your behavior affects your drinker. Keep a record of everything that happens. You will find that as time goes on it becomes easier to remember to write things down and that you will come to enjoy reviewing your notes. After all, they are the maps you are following to a happier future.
It is also a good idea to periodically repeat the baseline activities from chapter 2. Doing so will give you a yardstick against which to measure the changes in your drinker and in your life. Chances are the results will be satisfying. If not, chapter 12 talks about what options you have to improve your life even if your drinker does not change.
Action Summary
You now have additional tools that will help you to make powerful and satisfying changes in your life. For each drinking sequence you map, plan your strategies for changing the course of events. Make rewards your most well-used tool and look for opportunities to reward your drinker for positive behaviors. Remember, too, that positive behaviors can also simply be the absence of negative behaviors. Every instance in which your loved one is sober is reason for reward. Use your smiles, your words, and your actions to make sobriety more attractive than drinking.
Recap
Rewards must be attractive to their target.
Punishment is not nearly as effective for achieving long-lasting behavior change as is reward.
The big chill (extinction) is a helpful complement to reward.
Use all the tools you have learned to make not drinking equal to or more attractive than drinking to your loved one.
Kathy and Jim: Making Changes
Kathy finally began to feel like she was in charge of her life after she mapped out Jim's three most common drinking sequences, from triggers to consequences, and planned exactly how she would handle each one. Much as she was tempted to dwell on making Jim see what a jerk he was, Kathy forced herself to focus on the things she wanted him to do, rather than not do, and found positive ways to explain them to him.
One frequent argument Jim and Kathy would have was over how they were raising their son, Ted. Jim felt Kathy was too soft on him and would constantly yell at them both about Ted's behavior. Kathy felt that with all the stress their kids had to live under because of Jim's drinking, they should cut the kids a little slack on things like keeping their rooms neat and phone use.
Ted, their eldest at eleven years old, seemed to go out of his way to misbehave in order to get Jim's attention. Kathy knew that if Jim only showed Ted a little affection, his behavior would improve. However, in spite of all the lecturing and arguing, Jim would still blow up whenever Ted took the smallest step out of line. In fact, Kathy had mapped out a typical sequence: Jim comes in the door from work, and Ted runs up to tell his dad about some event of the day. Jim tells Ted to give him a chance to get his coat off and pour a drink, and Ted withdraws to mope on the sidelines. Within moments Ted manages to knock something over (sometimes his little sister) or scatter schoolwork or toys across the kitchen table. Jim's reaction is almost inevitably to yell at the boy, demanding to know “What the hell is wrong with you?” Ted cries and slams the door of his room shut. Jim pounds on the door and tells Ted not to come out until he tells him to. Any hope of spending a good time together that evening is shot.
Once Kathy clearly saw the relationship between Jim's and Ted's behavior, she planned better ways to organize their end-of-the-day routine. For starters, she talked to Ted about waiting until Daddy had been home and was settled on the sofa with his shoes off before approaching him with stories of the sixth grade. Then she focused on injecting a little positive interaction into Jim and Ted's relationship. Rather than trying to convince Jim that he needed to be more positive with his son if he wanted the kid to improve his own behavior, she approached it by appealing to his sense of fatherhood (and his ego) and putting a positive slant on the situation. S
he said, “Jim, I know how much Ted means to you, and he loves spending time with you too. He really looks up to you. Why don't you come straight home from work tonight and the two of you can go to the Pizza Factory for supper. You guys can play some video games and get away from the chaos around here. I'll stay home with the little ones, and you and Ted go enjoy each other.”
Jim's response to Kathy's invitation to have fun with his son was surprising to Kathy. She had expected him to reject the idea because he was tired after work, needed to stop at the tavern to discuss something with the guys, knew Ted would misbehave at the restaurant, or any number of other excuses he had used in the past to avoid time with the kids. This time, however, he said yes. Kathy almost started arguing with him about it out of sheer habit. But she didn't. Instead, she hugged him and told him that Ted would be thrilled. She also telephoned him at work about twenty minutes before quitting time to remind him of his plans for that evening and to tell him Ted was so excited that he had already completed all his homework and straightened up his room. Jim laughed and said he'd be home right after work—and he was.
chapter 11
Treatment
Linda and Ron
Linda has been worried about Ron, her twin brother, since they were juniors in high school. Now, sharing an apartment at college, she was panicked as she watched him party all night, sleep through his morning classes, and generally let his life go down the drain. Whenever she tried to talk to him about it, he firmly reminded her that she was his sister and not his mother. Inevitably, when she'd suggest he talk to one of the mental health counselors on campus, he'd explode and storm out of the apartment. By changing the way she talked to him and by learning to stop enabling his drinking, she was able to cut their fights way down and restore some harmony in their relationship. However, she was still convinced that Ron's drinking was not just “college fun,” as he put it, and that it required professional help.
In many respects, getting your drinker into treatment is both the high point and the low point of this journey. It represents the high point because, for many drinkers, treatment is the only way they can successfully learn to live without liquor. It can also be the low point because, as you know, change is tough, and your loved one will struggle in treatment. Of course, your drinker's struggles also become your struggles and so, as always, your effort continues to be critical to the mix.
Getting your drinker into treatment requires the same attention to detail and planning as everything else you have done so far. Most people who abuse alcohol are, at best, ambivalent about entering treatment. Even at the point where they become aware of how much pain and suffering their drinking causes, the thought of quitting is scary. You will need to be sensitive to these fears as you proceed.
Reasons to Drink
There are both costs and benefits for your drinker to continue drinking. The costs are clear and you can list them better than we can. However, the benefits may be less obvious but are equally important. Each individual has a unique experience with alcohol, but it is helpful to review some of the more common reasons drinkers have for not quitting. Some, all, or none of these may be true for your loved one. An important task for you is to figure out what benefits your drinker enjoys. If possible, talk to him about this. If not, use the intimate knowledge you have, your powers of observation, and your critical thinking abilities. Activity 20 will help with this. Read how Linda completed the activity for Ron's drinking and then use your notebook to complete your own activity.
Activity 20. Why Drink?
The following list will help get your creative insight flowing. Check off the drinking reasons that you think may apply to your drinker. Add to the list as you reflect on your drinker's behavior or talk to him/her about it. After reviewing your list, write a summary.
X Alcohol tastes good.
X Alcohol feels good.
___ Getting high allows him/her to avoid unpleasant feelings.
___ Getting high allows him/her to avoid unpleasant situations.
X Drinking gives him/her confidence in social situations.
___ Drinking gives him/her confidence in romantic situations.
___ Drinking relieves stress.
X Drinking is a shared pastime with friends and/or family.
___ Drinking is the only hobby he/she has.
___ Drinking is a good excuse for not being able to work.
___ Drinking is the easiest way to escape pain or boredom.
___ Drinking numbs bad feelings.
___ Others?
When he's not drinking, Ron is basically a shy guy. So in addition to liking the taste of alcohol, he enjoys the “courage in a bottle” it gives him socially. All this has made it really easy for him to get into a drinking habit. Now, I'm figuring he also has a physical addiction to the alcohol, so there's both emotional and physical attractions that keep him drinking.
Remember, if you ask your loved one to give up drinking, you must be ready to help her find something equally rewarding with which to replace it.
In Chapter 2 you estimated how much time your loved one spends on drinking and drinking-related activities. If he gives up those activities, he will need to fill his time with some healthier activities. Be prepared to offer your drinker other, equally rewarding activities to select from. For instance, if she spends an hour or two each day after work socializing with friends at the bar, your drinker will need some other, non-drinking social activity to fill that time. The same goes for weekend and evening hours. Leaving a void will only leave a hole crying to be filled—and if left to his own devices, your drinker will fill it with the old, familiar drink. Your job at this stage of the game is to give your loved one as many attractive reasons not to drink as he can find to drink.
Get ready for your loved one's sobriety and help it along by preparing a list of nondrinking, rewarding activities that can be enjoyed in place of drinking. Make sure the activities you select are appealing to your loved one and not only to yourself. Even if you do not see the attraction in liquor, remember that it fulfills many needs for your drinker. Plan accordingly. In fact, consult the expert on this. Talk to your loved one about it. Use your PIUS communication style to ask what you can do together that would be pleasurable enough to forgo liquor for that period. Activity 21 will help you make this list. Review Linda's list below in the example, then write down your own list in your notebook.
Activity 21. Activities Worth Staying Sober For
Early morning jogs (Ron loved track in high school)
All-night heart-to-heart chats with me (we used to do this regularly before I became so angry about his drinking)
Skateboarding around campus after the crowds thin in the evening
Loading up with popcorn to watch foreign films at the local cinema
The nondrinking activities you prepare for your loved one's sobriety are also powerful incentives toward that sobriety. As you work on drinking maps and make plans to encourage sobriety, use these activities as incentives and rewards. You do not need to wait until your loved one is in treatment to begin enjoying these nondrinking times together. Offer her the pleasure of your company in exchange for sobriety for however long and however often your loved one can remain sober. With enough of these positive interactions, extended sobriety and, ultimately, treatment will follow.
Selecting Treatment
If you do nothing else, do this: Have treatment ready to go the instant your loved one says he is interested. That interest will peak and then dissolve if you do not seize the moment. For every reason you can think of to seek sobriety, your loved one has two to avoid it. When the scales finally tip in favor of her thinking about treatment, you cannot afford to let that balance shift again while you search for a suitable program.
A number of treatment options are available. While all have their fans, not all have been demonstrated to produce consistent results. We will describe the most popular treatment options and tell you what is known about their effectiveness. Keep in mind, how
ever, that once your loved one is willing to enter treatment, you may have to alter your choice to accommodate his preferences. Think about what you know about your drinker's tastes and style as you make your selection.
The first step in exploring treatment options is to understand the difference between treatment and support. When we talk about “treatment,” we are referring to an active intervention program that takes your loved one by the hand and teaches her how to beat liquor. This is different from support groups that provide encouragement and crisis intervention but do not teach and help the individual practice new non-drinking behaviors. We are talking about specific skills here; a treatment program must teach the person skills to resist drinking and to rebuild his life. Preferably, the program will also actively involve the drinker's loved ones just as we have reached out to your drinker by helping you through this book. Thus, as you evaluate treatment programs, ask specifically how they intend to teach your loved one to live without or manage alcohol. If you do not hear specific strategies that clearly target problem behaviors, keep looking.
Get Your Loved One Sober Page 15