by Fields, MJ
I look like I’m wearing a fucking stocking.
“That has to come off,” she says, starting to kneel in front of me.
“I know that.”
“Yet you left it on at the hospital and fought like hell when anyone tried—”
“The pain was worse at night. Felt better to have it on.” I grip the hem of it. “I know you’ll sneak in while I’m sleeping and take it off, but I got it now.”
She stands up and tries to suppress the upward curve of her lip. “Okay then.” Then she walks around the bed and leaves me to it.
It’s definitely swollen, but not like it was at first. The dressing isn’t spotted with blood like it was either.
“Can I help with the dressing?” I see her pull the blanket on top of the bedding the rest of the way down.
“I think it’s good,” I say as I reach behind me and grip the headboard with one hand, pulling myself farther onto the bed.
I’m weaker, which makes sense logically, but it still pisses me off.
“You’ll get it all back, Lieutenant—”
“I’d really wish you’d stop calling me that.” After saying it, I realize how abrupt it sounded. “I apologize for my tone, Doc, but—”
“No need. I understand.”
That rubs me the wrong way, too.
As I lie back, I tell her, “Maybe you should stop being so apologetic.”
When Doc sits at the end of the bed, there is no eye contact as she opens up the bag of supplies that she placed on my nightstand and gets to work. “I’m changing this now, because I’m sure you’re ready for a break from my care, so I will leave you alone tomorrow.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” I grumble as I look down at the fucking stump she’s rewrapping.
“I’m glad we agree. I will ask that you make sure someone is here. One of your guys or … I don’t know, a nurse of your choosing?”
“I’ve been taking care of myself since I can remember. I don’t need a friend or a nurse. I’ll be just fine, Doc.”
She glances up. “I know the reason you’re being short and borderline rude is because of the pain. I will, however, ask that you don’t do that with others. They may not understand you.”
“And you think you do?”
“I think I understand you are wondering why you feel like your foot is getting run over even though it’s not there, or that your ankle feels like it’s being twisted in a one hundred and eighty degree turn when that’s not there either. I understand that, in the night when the blanket slips off your foot and you think it’s cold, you get annoyed. Because a logical man like you likes things to be explainable. You may think you’re losing it at times, but you’re not. You may think you won’t be able to deal with it much longer, but you can. And you may look at me and think I’m a know-it-all, but in this instance, I do know it all.” She begins rubbing my leg and the pain immediately begins to lessen. That doesn’t make logical sense either. “It’s going to stop, Tanner, but you will need a friend to help you get through it.”
“We’re friends now?” I ask, watching her hands.
She looks up briefly, shaking her head, then looks back down. “Don’t make this awkward.”
When she begins rubbing my leg lower, I groan. “Tip is sensitive, Doc.”
“Well then … I’ll avoid that area.”
When I shake my head back and forth, she looks up.
“What?”
“Let me ask you something.”
“I’m all ears.”
“If we hadn’t fucked before you hacked—”
“I don’t hack.”
“Fine, if we hadn’t—”
“It would have happened either way. You and I both know it.” She sighs and backs down, almost admiringly. “So get out of that head of yours. You may not feel this way now, being vulnerable—”
“Wait a minute right there.”
“No, you wait a minute. When your lips were on my belly, were you concerned with my stretch marks?”
“Didn’t even notice.”
“The extra jiggle in my ass when you had me bent over make your dick soften?”
“Didn’t even notice.” I lean back and look up at the ceiling.
“Attraction is a physical reaction. I never really looked at you and thought, damn he has nice legs.”
I can’t help smirking. I’m pretty sure it has to do with the meds and the fact that she’s rubbing my leg, which is actually helping ease the pain, but I’ll admit to myself that it’s also because a small part of me now desires her appreciation, and yes, I thought it would lessen after the rotting flesh, as she called it, is gone.
“I thought, sweet Jesus, this man reeks of confidence, his ass is nearly edible, and his shoulders would look great with my fingernails stuck in them, and that was the first time I saw you. After that, even though you were kind of an asshole, I saw how loyal you were to your friends. You exude a confidence. Even through all this, that is incredibly sexy. You’re no nonsense, and I don’t have time nor desire for games. So yes, Tanner, you are still sexy as hell to me. Your strength, your—”
“My eyes are getting heavy and so is my dick, and I have some things to say.”
“You’re sick of the compliments?”
“No.”
“Good, because I have more.”
“I appreciate everything you’ve done, but if my cock is ever going near your vagina again, I need you to walk away, stop taking care of me, and let me deal with this alone.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I need you, and you need me.”
“Doc—”
“I get that you need to stand on your own—”
“I need to get stronger so I can face what comes next. With you here to coddle me, I don’t see how that is going to help me, or the little one, or whatever the hell it is you still haven’t told me.”
She begins to interrupt me because, apparently, that’s what we do. But I hold up my hand to stop her. “I need this.”
Her eyes begin to mist over. “Well, so do I.”
I can’t keep my eyes open, and right now, that makes me feel like shit.
* * *
I wake to an ache in my leg and the sound of Looney Tunes on my television.
“That’s why she doesn’t say her damn Rs,” I grumble.
I hear Doc snicker and open my eyes. She’s showered and in one of my tee-shirts.
“Sorry, I spilled coffee on mine.”
“Looks good on you.” I start to push myself up, and she moves to help me. “Doc,” I warn.
“Right, you’re all about doing this alone.”
“Don’t get pissy about it. If you were in this situation—”
“Understood.” She raises her hands up and steps back as I push myself up.
“Do they have PT at that hospital of yours seven days a week?”
“They do.”
“Good. I’d like to start soon. I refuse to lose any more strength than I already have.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“Don’t mom me, Doc; it’s emasculating.”
I see her eyes catch sight of my morning wood, and then she looks up at me. “You’re more man than one needs to be.”
“Too bad you have to make yourself scarce for a while. You’re good for a man’s ego.”
She smiles as she grabs my shrinker.
“I’m going to piss first.”
“Of course.”
She steps aside, and I grab the crutches that are leaning against the bed.
“The new normal,” I mumble.
“A new challenge to conquer,” she whispers.
I look at her as I stand. “Tell me, Doc; how many physical disabilities have you overcome?”
“None, but I’m willing to take half of this one on.”
I stop dead in my tracks and look over at her.
“Oh my God, Tanner, breathe. It wasn’t a damn proposal.”
I move again and whispe
r, making damn sure she can hear me, “She’s dick-notized.”
* * *
“You like fwench toast, Tanna?”
“I do.”
“Is it you favowit?”
“It is today.” I watch as she looks at my leg like she’s studying for the MCAT. When she starts to climb up on the side of the stool, avoiding it, it takes a couple seconds to realize what the hell it is she’s doing.
Once she settles on my lap, she looks back at me. “You ’kay?”
I nod. “Getting better every day.”
“I help?”
“You already have.”
“I help mowa.”
“I’ve got to do some stuff myself.”
“Like wiping you butt?” She smirks. It’s freaking adorable.
“Calee Rose,” Laurie scolds, softer now than yesterday. She’s more at ease.
I don’t look up. I stay right there in the moment that is effortless and easy to get wrapped up in. “I learned that a long time ago.”
“Was you fee?” she asks, holding up four fingers.
“One, two, three.” I hold down her fourth finger. “Yeah.” I smile as I lie because I haven’t a clue how old I was. “I think so.”
When Laurie sets two plates in front of us, I look up at her. “Thanks, Doc.”
Calee grips my chin with her little hand and turns me to look at her. “Afta we eat, you wanna watch Looney Tunes?”
“You know, I’d love that, but I have to do a few things.”
“What’s mowa poortan than Looney Tunes?”
“Calee, I will remind you, Tanner is an adult.”
“He’s my fwend, Mommy.” She doesn’t look away from me. “White?”
I nod. “How about one show after breakfast?”
She grins. I have a feeling my smile is just as goofy-looking as hers right now. I’m pretty damn sure I’m grinning back.
I am forever changed … again.
* * *
Lying in my bed, looking at the ceiling, my thumb hovering over the call button, I think back on all the information I received from Johnny this afternoon about our little Syrian friend after Laurie and Calee left.
Her name is Laylee Khaledes.
Knowing I have to address this, and not just for Laurie but for me, I send her a text.
Tanner: Any chance you can get free?
Laurie: Give me thirty.
Tanner: You know the code?
Laurie: Yes
18
Syrian Friend
Laurie
This afternoon, when William and Rosa stopped over to say they just stopped by to see Calee, I almost made up an excuse for them not to stay, because all Calee has done is talk about Tanner since we got home. But I knew that would be silly, since I’m sure she will be talking about him more and more as the months pass. Not just because there is something going on between the two of us, or because it has been building for over a year now, but because I know, down deep, it’s something that will remain.
On several occasions, we have spent time together as a group. And just as many dinners and celebrations as Calee and I have attended with all of them, we have also declined, due to Lawrence’s hesitation and the way he tried to convince me that, if he and I were going to work, I needed to draw stronger lines between us and them.
Tanner and I would be spending more time together, even if we hadn’t essentially caught fire, but we need to face certain things still.
William and Rosa asked a lot of questions about his mental and physical health, all clearly out of concern for a man they had grown to respect and think of as family, because of Will.
“Will you continue to keep tabs on him?” Rosa asked.
“Yes.”
“Good,” she said, patting my hand before being dragged into the living room to play with Calee.
When William Sr, offered to stay again tonight so I could catch up on sleep, I accepted. It’s a good thing I did, too, because, at eleven p.m., I received a text from Tanner.
I asked if they minded if I checked on him, and they told me to take all the time I needed.
Now, walking into his spotless house, I hear the sound of rain coming from his temporary bedroom.
When I walk in, he obviously sees the confusion on my face as I look around for the source. When he holds up his phone, he explains, “I’m using it as a tool to combat the possibility of it causing any sort of anxiety in the future.”
I nod. “Interesting therapy.”
“I know my mind, and I know how to control it.” He stands up, grabbing his crutches. “Let’s go sit on the couch.”
I fight the urge to walk behind him in case he slips and walk ahead instead.
After we have sat down, I look around. “No one’s here with you?”
“You are.”
“You know what I mean.”
He sits down and lifts his leg up onto the couch. “I’ve had a houseful all day.”
“That’s good.”
“That’s exhausting.” He runs his hand through his hair and leans back.
“Did you contact the physical therapist I suggested?”
“I did. Zero eight hundred tomorrow is my first session.”
“Excellent. And your meds?”
“I’m going to take a pain pill before bed but haven’t used one since this morning.”
“Are you sure you want to torture yourself like that?”
“My mother and sister had a car accident right after I graduated from the academy. Both have been hooked on pain pills of some sort since, because most doctors find it easier to write a script than to treat the cause, be it physical or mental, so I’ll take a couple more weeks of torture over a lifetime of being dependent on a fucking pill.”
“I’m sorry. If there’s any way I can help—”
“I’ll have more time to do so myself now. Plus, they need to step up, because I won’t be able to pay their way anymore.” He shakes his head. “That sounds harsh. Before the accident, my mother worked two or three jobs since as far back as I can remember just to make ends meet, but that accident fucked her up. My sister, on the other hand, has grown accustomed to being taken care of, and no number of classes she’s taken have landed her a job that she is more than capable of working. But honestly, she’s there for our mom, so I’ve just dealt with it.”
“I understand. And the offer still stands. So, what did you want to discuss then?”
“I spoke to Johnny. I know you and he had words last night.”
I nod. “We did.”
“It is confirmed that our little friend’s real name is, in fact, Laylee Khaledes.”
I cover my mouth as I gasp.
“She’s no longer at the orphanage.”
I cover my beating heart with my hand. “I think Peterson is the best bet in finding answers.”
“Peterson has been transferred, and the paperwork could take a while for our sources to get their hands on.”
“Do you think she’s in danger?”
“My gut tells me no. From what you told me, she was clever with her delivery of the information. We’ve seen a lot of movement in staffing at the hospital, which concerns me because of your fear that Laylee could be used as a pawn.”
The way his brows furrow saddens me. The look on his face reads undeniably of misdirected guilt.
“You saved a little girl’s life, Tanner.”
“But, in doing so, what kind of life have I left her with? Death may have been a gift.”
When he takes my hand, I realize it’s shaking. I look up at him and repeat, “You saved her. We just have to make sure she—”
“Let me ask you the same question I’ve been asking myself.”
“Okay.”
“What lengths are you willing to go to, to ensure she’s safe from what you fear could happen to her?”
I close my eyes and shake my head. “Illogically? Anything it takes. But I don’t know.”
“I’m not only concerned for her, but
also for you and Calee.”
I open my eyes. “What?”
“If this thing with us keeps happening and helping the daughter of a terrorist links it back to you and Calee, not only do we have to worry about Khaledes but also some of our own people. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you and your daughter.”
I try to collect my thoughts as my heart breaks for the fear he carries while it simultaneously beats faster with his admission.
He brushes his thumb across my knuckles. “Where did I lose you, Doc?”
I hold up a finger. “Give me a minute.”
After about thirty seconds, I tell him, “I want to know what your thoughts are.”
“On which subject?”
“Laylee.” I scratch my head when a thought crosses my mind. “How odd is it that her name is so close to—”
“Calee?” He nods. “Very.”
“Do they know where she is now?”
He nods. “A woman who works at the orphanage took a few of the kids in the middle of the night.”
“What?”
“We’re getting more intel, but it either means she’s trying to keep them safe or she’s …” He stops, and a wave of nausea crashes hard inside my stomach.
He leans over as he drops my hand and holds my cheeks. “We’re doing everything we can. I swear it.”
I wrap my hands around his wrists. “I’m not doubting you.”
“Good.”
When he leans forward and rests his forehead on mine, I inhale him, finally him without the sterile smell of the hospital surrounding us.
“You smell like you again.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmmhmm.”
“Still not feeling like me.”
“You’re getting there.”
“Not sure I’ll ever get back there, Doc. Everything has changed.”
I close my eyes and even more anxiety creeps in.
“Not all for the worse.”
To that, I open my eyes.
“It’s crazy, Doc.”
“Don’t say, do, or promise anything that’s going to be gone in a year, Tanner.”