by Meghan Quinn
Fuck.
My problem? Is she pregnant with . . . No. Surely she would have told me that.
Logan’s words ring through my head, breaking me down, killing my soul with the thought of Adalyn by herself, going through this all alone when I should have been here.
“Oh.” Adalyn’s stunned voice has me spinning around. “I . . . I thought you left.”
I shake my head, pulling on the back of my neck, feeling absolutely deflated. When Emma emailed me, I never expected this scenario. Adalyn was on birth control. I remember seeing it in her bathroom, and I watched her take it a few times. I thought we were safe.
Hating that I’m going to ask, but wanting to make sure, I look her in the eyes and say, “Is the baby mine?”
Lips pressed into a thin line, she nods her head. “It happened in New York City.”
“But you’re on birth control.”
Twisting her shirt, a patch of her skin making an appearance, she focuses on the ground. My eyes focus on the little bump pushing past the waistband of her pajama bottoms. “I might have missed some days accidentally.” Her head snaps up. “I swear I didn’t do it on purpose, I wasn’t trying to trap you or anything. I just—”
“Adalyn, being careful isn’t your sole responsibility. I didn’t wear a condom, so that’s on me. This is on both of us.”
We stand there in silence, the awkward realization we’re going to be parents hitting me hard. “Were you going to tell me?”
When I tear my gaze from her stomach, I catch a glimpse of a lonely tear caressing down her cheek right before she wipes it away.
“Were you, Adalyn?”
Remorse fills her face when she shakes her head no.
“Why the fuck not?”
“Why would I?” she asks meekly.
Stepping forward, anger taking over my body, I answer, “Because it’s my goddamn child, Adalyn. I have a right to know about it, and I have a right to be a part of its life.”
“You lead a different life than I do. Do you really think you can be there for this baby . . . for me?”
Is she serious?
“Plenty of hockey players have kids. Fuck, Calder has been a single dad from the beginning. He makes it work. You can’t blame this on my profession. How could you not tell me? What the fuck, Adalyn?”
“You live across the damn country, Hayden,” she shouts. More tears fall from her eyes. “You’re here now for what, a few hours and then you have to take off to your next stretch of games. As much as you like to think this can work, it can’t. You want to be a part of this, I get that, but let’s face it, when it comes to logistics, I’m going to be a single mom with a flyby baby daddy. So excuse me if I didn’t believe you needed to know yet. Whether you knew or not, it wouldn’t make a shitload of difference to me right now. Or when the baby is born. I will be raising a child all by myself. And I’m fucking terrified.”
Turning away, she walks to the back of the house where her bedroom is located. The soft click of her door sounds through the silent house.
Instead of going after her right away, I take a seat on her couch, trying to gather myself. What a fucking disaster.
I’m going to be a dad. A fucking dad.
Christ.
I attempt to let that sink in as my head drops past my shoulders, my hands clasped in front of me. But she wasn't going to tell me . . .
What kind of man does she really think I am to believe I wouldn't want to know? If there was one thing she should have understood it’s that I'm not a man to ditch those I care about. And a baby? Our baby? What the hell, Adalyn? How could you be so callous? What did I do to deserve that?
And then there's the fucker who most definitely moved in once I left. Is Adalyn not the girl I thought she was?
I’m going to be a dad, sooner than I would have liked, but fuck if I’m not going to be in this child’s life. My parents gave me a beautiful childhood and opportunities to better myself; they gave me the world, and that’s exactly what I want to give my kid.
And doing it with Adalyn? Hell, I don’t think I could have chosen a better person to partner up with. The only problem is our distance.
From the back of my pocket, I pull out my phone and send a text to Chris Thompkins, the goalie on our team who’s been working with me lately after practice. I have an idea, but I just need to know if he can help me.
Chapter Twenty-One
ADALYN
I am going to kill her.
Emma is dead to me. Absolutely dead to me.
Technically I don’t know if it’s Emma who told him, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure it is. Racer is too scared to be castrated, and Logan would probably prefer Hayden to never know at this point. So that leaves Emma.
Ugh.
I bury my head in my pillow. Breathe, Adalyn, breathe. This isn’t good for the baby, none of this stress or anxiety is good for the baby and yet, I can’t seem to find a happy place.
Hayden deserves to know about his baby, I understand that, but I never wanted him to find out like this. He was blindsided, although he would have been blindsided no matter what. But with Logan here, protecting me . . . God, no wonder Hayden is so angry.
I have no idea if he’s still in my house. I didn’t hear the front door open and close, but then again, I’ve been crying into my pillow for the last half hour; I might have blocked out any other sounds in the house.
Rolling to my other side, facing the door, I wish I had X-ray vision so I could see if he was still here or not. Do I want him to be here still? Not really. It was easier when he wasn’t here, because I could go on thinking there really was no daddy to my baby. But now, it’s real. This whole clusterfuck is real.
Sighing, I snuggle in closer to my pillow, trying to get my rest when the door to my bedroom cracks open, startling me.
“Hey,” Hayden says, stepping in and shutting the door behind him. The only light in the room is from the moon outside, casting just enough brightness in the room to make out each other’s features.
Sniffling, I answer, “Hey, I thought maybe you might have left.”
Shaking his head, he comes to my bed and sits next to me, his hand going to my back where he lightly strokes it.
Briefly, I shut my eyes, indulging in his touch again, in his large hand soothing me.
“I needed a second to understand everything.” His voice is more calm, more Hayden. “This is life-changing, Adalyn, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all.”
“I can understand that.”
Moving his hand up and down my back, he asks, “Who knows?”
“Logan, obviously.” Hayden’s face hardens, but I continue before we can dive deep into the Logan conversation. “Emma and Tucker . . . Racer.”
“Shit,” Hayden mutters. “What did he say?”
“That he was going to kill you, but then I told him if he came after you, I would castrate him.”
Chuckling, Hayden says, “I appreciate that.”
“It was more for Racer’s protection, because even though he’s a strong guy, I don’t think he could take you.”
“Damn right.” Hayden winks and the weight that’s been pressing against my chest ever since I found out I was pregnant eases. “What about your family?”
I shake my head. “Haven’t told them yet. Haven’t had the courage to do so.”
“Your brothers are going to kill me, aren’t they?”
I sugarcoat my answer. “Stay in California and I think you’ll be okay.” I chuckle and let out a little sigh. “I’m sorry, Hayden, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“Adalyn”—he presses his palm against my cheek—“neither of us planned for this to happen, but it did and now we need to figure it out.”
“I’ll share custody, if that’s what you want. I’m just not sure how. I guess during the summer, the baby can be with you and during your hockey season I can—”
He presses his fingers against my lips, halting the thoughts coming off the top o
f my head I seem to be speaking out loud. The last thing I want to do is figure out custody so early on in the pregnancy, but I feel insane, like I need some sort of way to figure this all out.
Softly, looking me square in the eyes, he says, “Move to California.”
Did I hear him correctly?
Move?
I’m not one to guffaw, but this is the perfect time for it. I let it rip, a loud, obnoxious guffaw.
“I’m serious, Adalyn.”
Sitting up, using my pillow as a barrier against my headboard and putting a little space between us, I say, “Come on, you’re joking.”
“I’m dead fucking serious.”
Okay, maybe he was hit in the head with a puck tonight. I didn’t watch his game, but I’m now tempted to go back and search the highlights. Surely a puck to the head would be on there.
Patting his forearm, I say, “You’ve had a big night, finding out you’re going to be a dad and all, not to mention the exhaustion you must feel from your game and traveling. Don’t worry, I won’t hold your crazy against you.”
“Adalyn,” his voice now stern, “I’m perfectly fine. I thought about this, and it would be perfect.”
“Perfect?” I raise my brow at him. “Perfect for who?” I point at him. “For you? Because it seems like that’s the only person it would benefit. I, on the other hand, would be moving to a foreign state with no job, no place to live, no friends, just to be close to the man who impregnated me? Yeah, I don’t foresee that happening.”
“You can stay with me.”
Guffaw number two.
“Hayden, don’t you think that would be awkward?”
“Why?” He looks genuinely confused.
“Uh, maybe because we’re not seeing each other anymore?”
“You broke it off. I never said I didn’t want to be in a relationship.”
Now I point at myself. “I broke it off? You’re the one who was traded. What the hell was I supposed to do? Wait around and have a long-distance relationship with a guy who’s on the road for half of fall and all of winter and spring? It would never work, Hayden. I didn’t have a choice, so I moved on.”
His hand retreats to his lap, my words apparently stinging him more than I expected. Does he think I mean Logan? That we’re together? Do I clarify that? “I would have tried to make it work.”
“I have no doubt.” Looking at my lap, my fingers locked together, I add, “But I wouldn’t have been able to make it work, and sometimes you just know. When I found out you were traded, I knew. We weren’t meant to be.” When I saw you’d moved on with another woman, I knew we were done. It still stings, but what can I do? Now he wants me to move, for what? To be the other woman he once fucked and knocked up? Why the hell would I want that?
Silent, there is tightness in his jaw with the way his cheeks pulse and his hands clench together. He’s not happy with my honesty, but I’m not about to string him on.
“That’s beside the point. You wouldn’t be alone in California. You would have me. And a job, I have a really good lead for you. Chris, the goalie on the team, his wife works in a doctor’s office, a family practitioner, and they’re looking for another nurse. It would be a better job, not on your feet all the time, pays well, and you would be in California, where I could help.” He sighs. “I wish we were in a different situation where I work your typical desk job and could be there for you whenever you need me, but unfortunately this is the best I can do. And I will do anything you need. Don’t want to live with me? Fine, I’ll get you an apartment across from mine. Need a doula or a mid-wife? Done. Need friends? I will fucking find some. I just . . .” He pauses his throat growing tight, my heart sputtering in my chest. “I want to be a part of this, Adalyn. I know I’m asking more than anyone should ask of another person, but please, please consider it. I don’t know how else to fix this, to not lose out one of the best things to ever happen to me.”
Shit . . .
“I can’t believe you’re moving.” Emma turns off the freeway toward the airport. “What am I going to do without you?”
I pat her arm. “You’ll be perfectly fine. You have Tucker.”
“But he’s a boy . . .”
“A hot one.”
Sighing as if she’s seen him for the first time, she nods. “So hot and so good in bed but still, you’re moving for your baby daddy. Who does that?”
“I have no clue.” I look out the window, reconsidering my decision. This is stupid, this is really stupid. But then again, when I talked to Chris’s wife, and they offered me the job after an hour-long conversation on the phone that included great benefits, maternity leave, good pay, and the ability to go home at four, how could I say no? Hayden found me a great place to live, because I refused to stay with him, and it’s decently priced too. A two-bedroom apartment on the second level overlooking a courtyard.
But my family, oh boy . . . they did not take it well. I told them about the pregnancy. My mom fainted, my dad grunted past his newspaper, my sister didn’t have much to say given the hard time she’s going through, and my brothers well, they stole my phone and tried to find out who the guy was. Thank God I have the thing password protected. When they asked why I was moving across the country to be closer to a guy I didn’t plan on dating, I told them it wasn’t about me, it was about the baby, and there was no option for him to move to me.
The only brother that was okay with the move was Sean, and I think that’s because he secretly wants to be an actor and could stay at my place while trying to pursue his dream.
Not going to happen.
I’ve seen his acting, and it’s pure crap. I love him, but it’s crap.
“Are you having second thoughts?” Emma asks, soft and concerned.
I nod, keeping my eyes fixed on the changing leaves outside my window. “Of course I’m having second thoughts. I would be concerned if I wasn’t. But I don’t know, Emma, I feel like I have to, like I need to give Hayden a chance to be the dad he deserves to be.”
Stopping at a light, Emma turns toward me and levels her glare. “Is there more to this you’re not telling me about? Do you . . . love him?”
“No.” I answer quickly, shaking my head. “I don’t plan on getting romantically involved with Hayden.”
“You don’t?” Emma quirks a brow in my direction. “This coming from the girl who was obsessed with him this past summer. You’re just . . . over him like that?”
“I have to be.” I suck in a deep breath. “I have to be over him, Emma.”
“Why?”
“Because”—I turn my gaze toward the window when Emma starts driving again—“when he was traded, when he left, it nearly destroyed me. He has his new life now, and well, I’m not part of that. I won’t allow myself to fall for him and then be destroyed by him again. I won’t let that happen.”
“And what happens when he’s at an away game and something happens with the baby or you go into labor? At least if you’re here you have me, Tucker, Logan, and Racer to count on.”
“Don’t worry.” I add, “I won’t be alone.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
HAYDEN
Exhausted, sore as fuck, and barely able to walk up the stairs in front of me, I take a second to collect myself.
Adalyn chose a time to move out here when I was out of town. I begged her to reconsider another time when I had a home stretch, but she insisted upon getting started at her job as soon as her two weeks’ notice was up at the hospital. She didn’t want to skip a beat in paychecks. She made that quite known. And when I offered to help cover some of her costs, she nearly bit my head off. I blamed it on the hormones not because she wanted nothing to do with me.
This is the first night I will actually get to visit her, check up on her, and make sure she’s doing okay, that she’s fitting in at her job. Which honestly, I already know she is because I’ve been checking up on her through Chris. Would it have been better if I went straight to the source? Of course, but she barely texts me b
ack when I text her and forget about phone calls, those go unanswered. I’m desperate, and Chris was my only source of information, and according to him, the staff adores her and she’s quickly become friends with everyone. That doesn’t surprise me. She’s passionate and dedicated in everything she does. It’s hard not to like Adalyn. I’m just wondering why she’s so adamant about keeping me at an arm’s length.
Gripping the bouquet of flowers tightly in my hand, I hold the handrail that leads up to her second floor apartment and take one step at a time, my muscles screaming at me with every step. Goddamn, I don’t think I’ve been this sore in a long time, but when I’m not on the ice or in the training room, I’m practicing with the boys, putting in extra time, learning the plays, and driving puck after puck into Chris.
At first, the extra time put a target on my back, like I was trying to show up everyone, but they get it now. They’re observing what level of commitment it takes to be on a team like the Brawlers.
If only my muscles would get the idea.
When I reach the top of the stairs, I take a left and head to the end of the outside hallway and the corner apartment. Adalyn thinks she got a steal when it came to this apartment when in reality, I pay half her rent without her knowledge, making it an irresistible place to live. It’s two blocks from my apartment, in a good area, and has two bedrooms, one for the baby, one for her. Hopefully though, she won’t have to use the second bedroom because I’m bound and determined to win her back. Despite the circumstances of when and how I saw her in Binghamton again, and how she barely spoke to me while I was there and since, I knew why I’d struggled so much in California. She had become my best friend. She’d become someone I thought of first to talk about my day. And when I was so suddenly cut off from that, my heart ached. It was why nothing could have happened with Noely. My heart has an Adalyn-sized hole, and only she can heal that.
There is no denying she still has feelings for me. I saw it in her bedroom when we talked about the baby. She’s holding back though, and I need to work out why and correct it. We’re having a child together. There is no other option.