by Neil LaBute
They smile and listen to the music. TED bounces around a bit. It’s not quite dancing, but it’s very close.
TED This is going really well! I’m so sorry that I’m not trying to pick you up!!
CLEO Oh. So … you really aren’t trying?
TED Nope, uh-uh. Not at all. (Beat.) I’m here with business clients—see those Asian guys over there, in the suits?—So I’ve gotta keep a clear head, but really, I am not after you. In any way. I promise. Or anybody else … (Shouts.) “Hey, people! All of you can stop coming on to me right now! I am engaged here, so knock it off!”
TED makes a hand gesture, “pushing” the crowd back a bit.
CLEO Thanks for that! (Looking around.) Everybody seems really relieved …
TED Well, I was getting a little fed up with all their crap! (Turns to her.) Especially you … you need to keep your hands off me! I already told you. I’m not interested …
CLEO Sorry! (Hands held high.) My bad …
TED pats her comfortingly on the shoulder. Clinks glasses with her and smiles. He is more than a little drunk now.
CLEO … and thus your warning earlier. Right?
TED Exactly! Several warnings, actually, and all for your own good! To save you any sort of, like … heartbreak … down the road. Or later tonight, even … (Beat.) After.
CLEO Ahhhh. “After.” (Smiles.) My favorite.
TED Yeah, you know … that’s when people get a little bit weepy or whatever. “After.”
CLEO You mean “after” all the … (Makes a few hand gestures.) … good stuff.
TED Yeah. Later tonight or even, maybe … the next morning if they decide to, you know.
CLEO That’s when “people” get upset usually? Is that what you’ve discovered …?
TED It’s been known to happen. (Beat.) I mean, to others. People who do those things … you know, behind the back of loved ones. Whom they’ve already made commitments to.
CLEO I see. But not you?
TED Virtually unheard of with me! And since I’ve been engaged—which I am, in case you didn’t catch that before—not even one time. That’s zero number of times.
CLEO Interesting.
TED Simple fact, really. That’s all. I’m the faithful type. (Beat.) Yep.
CLEO Which is why you … pointed it out before?
TED Yes! Exactly! Now you’re catching on!
CLEO It was more of a humanitarian gesture …
TED That type of thing! Not on like the scale of the U.N. or anything, but basically of a similar nature. It all springs from the desire to bring joy and do good things … same as them. Seriously. (Beat.) This is like one of those peacekeeping missions.
CLEO Ha! (Beat.) Ok, that’s maybe a bit much! You were doing pretty good for a minute there, but now I think it’s a little …
TED I know! Damn it, I had you going, right?!
CLEO No! (Laugh.) Not even for a second!
TED Really? Not just for a teeny … bit of …?
CLEO God no! ’Course not. (Beat.) I mean, let’s be honest here: this has been fun but if I said “let’s go upstairs right now” you would follow me like a … lost little dog.
TED Nooooo! That is absolutely … not … true!
CLEO Oh, really?
TED Ahhhh, yes, really!
CLEO And why’s that?
TED Firstly, there’s a drug store on the next level, so that doesn’t even make sense … unless this is a veiled signal for me to buy some lube … which is … just …
CLEO Ha! NO!! (Beat.) You know what I mean! To my “house,” then! With me. To my place.
TED Well … that’s obviously … different.
CLEO And …?
TED What?
CLEO If I said that … “let’s get out of here and go to my place,” you’d come with me, right? (Beat.) Wouldn’t you?
TED I’d … no. I wouldn’t! Plus, I’m here with people … my clients, which I already told you about. They’re … Japanese …
CLEO Bullshit! And what does that have to do with anything? Them being Japanese?
TED … they come from a very ancient culture, so, no … they wouldn’t understand.
CLEO I do not believe you.
TED Well, try me then. (Beat.) Go ahead!
CLEO Yeah, but … if I ask you now … you’ll just reverse it and say “yes” and then I’ll be … stuck with you.
TED Oh, hey, thanks!
CLEO You know what I mean!
TED Ummmmmmm, no, not really!
CLEO I was just making a point … before …
TED So wait, lemme get this—you don’t really want to sleep with me or … do all the …?
CLEO … what?
TED The other stuff! What you did with your hand gestures … before … (He tries to copy her earlier gestures.) All of the … you know! The “good stuff.”
CLEO Ahhhh. That stuff.
TED Hey, that’s what you called it! I’m not trying to be all … sexy guy … here. You said it first!
CLEO That’s true. I did.
TED … you really did say it …
CLEO steps a little closer to TED. Pressing in on him.
CLEO But you would, though … right? If I asked you to. (Beat.) Come on, be honest!
TED What, go upstairs? Directly upstairs?
CLEO No, not to the drug store! (Beat.) If I asked you nicely to come home with me—
TED … and you made those hand gestures …
CLEO Yes! (Smiles.) If I did that … (Makes a few more gestures.) … then you would. If I asked you to. Correct?
TED And you can promise that my fiancée would never find out …
CLEO … not ever …
He thinks about this again. Checks his watch. She smiles.
TED And you will raise the child that will no doubt spring from this … unholy union on your own without any help from me, be it financial or … fiscal … or otherwise …
CLEO … those are essentially the same thing but alright … yes …
TED … then there’s your answer! Right there.
CLEO What?
TED NO!! I can’t!! (Beat.) See? You’ve already fallen in love with me! Why?! Why does it keep on happening to me?! WHY, GOD, WHY?!
CLEO No, wait … I’m being serious now! (Beat.) I know, I know, your fiancée and all that other … guys always say that kinda thing, the due diligence bit, but I’m gonna just cut to the chase now. (Beat.) You’re cute, it’s late, so why don’t we do this? Plus all those first bits you said—the stuff that really does worry you about babies and her finding out—I’m down with that. This would just be you and me. One night only. No names. Just us, two strangers. (Beat.) This is not a rebate, there is no coupon attached here, so it’s sort of a “now or never” thing. Ok? (Beat.) I know you’re thinking “what-the-fuck or serial killer” … but I’m lonely, it’s late, I drank a lot … so I’m asking.
The guy studies her for a second, unsure how to take what she’s saying to him. Finally, he breaks out into a smile.
TED Get outta here! This is so shitty to do to somebody! (Beat.) Who are you? Do you know these guys … these Tokyo guys? I’m being serious now! What?! (Beat.) Wait … are you … come on now … hey. This is … but I’m … I am engaged! I told you that earlier … I’m already with someone. Else.
CLEO … yet you’re still talking to me. (Beat.) Like I said, “now or never.” And “never” is approaching like a … speeding train.
TED Then … you should … God!! (Thumps himself on the head.) Then you better go ahead and get on it, I guess … yeah, I guess so … you should just … jump on board and take off … without me. On that train, I mean.
She starts to speak but then disappears into the crowd. He watches her go, then stamps his feet. Shakes his head.
TED Shit! “Jump on board!” What are you, a complete … assbag?! I mean … come on! IDIOT!!
Suddenly she is there again
. Staring right at him. He’s unsure what to say but that’s okay—she speaks first.
CLEO Don’t say anything, just listen. That is your choice and I respect it. I do. All I want to say is that I’m … you know … I am surprised. That’s all. You caught me off-guard, and I’m not saying this because I think I’m so amazing or anything—I mean, I am kind of great but that’s beside the point—I’m just … I want you to know that I think you are, I dunno … I think that was cool of you and rare, you turning me down like that, and I just wanted to say that she’s a very lucky girl and … yeah.
TED Thank you. That’s really nice of you to say.
CLEO You’re welcome.
TED Honestly. It is.
CLEO I just thought you should know … (Beat.) Okay, seriously. Last chance! I’ll give you ten seconds and then I’m outta here!
She checks her watch. TED starts to say something but she holds up a hand and makes him wait.
CLEO So?
TED hesitates but he doesn’t bite. CLEO smiles at this.
CLEO God, you’re tough!! (Beat.) Alright then. I’m going now. I’ll … just … yeah. (Beat.) … and … you’re not even gonna ask me for my number or the … like, my Facebook … or nothing. Twitter. (Beat.) Are you?
TED I’m … I want to … I mean, sorta … but no. I’m not going to because that would be … you know. I can’t. (Smiles.) I mean, if my girlfriend was out and … some guy was all up in her … you know? (Beat.) Not that I’m feeling like that about you … that you’re up in my face, I really don’t! But … you know what I mean. It wouldn’t be right.
CLEO No, that’s true. It wouldn’t be. At all. OK. (Beat.) And if I told you this was a set-up … that I’ve known your fiancée for years, that we went to college together and just the other day we ran into each other downtown and over lunch she asked me to check up on you … to approach you when you’re at work or at some business dinner … after you’d had a few drinks, and see if you would go to bed with me—I’d stop you, of course … after you’d taken your clothes off or put a condom on, of course I would—but just to be sure that she can trust you before she marries you, she had me do that … what would you do if that was the truth? Hmm? Would it piss you off? Would it make you fuck me if I let you, just to get back at her, the way I’ve always secretly wanted to get back at her for being richer and nicer and … you know … all those things that she is … more than me. (Beat.) What would you do with me if that is what’s actually happening here … instead of us just accidentally bumping into each other by chance on this lonely Tuesday evening? Hmmmmm? What then?
TED … I would … you know … I’d have to give that some pretty … serious … thought.
CLEO … yeah, I know. I know, and to be fair, you haven’t even seen me do this yet …
TED What?
CLEO gives TED a big, passionate kiss. She finally stops.
CLEO That.
TED Ahh. “That.” (Beat.) No … I didn’t yet have that important … bit of … info …
CLEO … have fun with your clients.
CLEO exits. TED looks around the room, incredulous. He pulls out his phone and begins to call someone. Quickly.
TED … come on, come on …! (Waits.) Hey, hi there, honey! Hello!! I was just … yeah, I know it’s loud … what? Umm, no, they’re still partying away! But I wanted to call you because … I miss you … (Beat.) No, I wish I was there, too. No. Believe me, I really do. (Beat.) Hmmm? What? No, I just misunder—so what’re you doing tonight? Huh? What’s that? Oh, you’ve got another call? No, no, wait! That’s … who is it? I said “who is it?” Who’s calling? Is it anybody that I know? Sweetie?! No, wait, they can call back! I wanna talk to you right now, so … just wait! Sweetheart?! (Beat.) Hello? Baby? (Beat.) … hello?
He finishes his drink as he waits. Drumming his fingers on the table. His anxiety level growing by the second.
Silence. Darkness.
STRANGE FRUIT
Strange Fruit had its American premiere at New York Theater Workshop in New York City in June 2010 (as part of a series of short plays collectively titled Standing on Ceremony). It was directed by Brian Shnipper.
TOM Matthew Broderick
JERRY Jonathan Cake
Silence. Darkness.
A man (TOM) standing in a bright light. Wearing a tux. He talks to us.
Another man (JERRY) in a tux stands next to him. Smiling.
TOM … I love cock. I do. I’m really sort of just into it, you know? Cock. And that’s what got all this started, I mean, how I ended up here in the first place. Because of that. The “cock” situation. (Beat.) And I had, like, no idea when I was younger, I really didn’t! None. I wasn’t secretly putting on my mom’s dresses or make-up at night or, or, reading the Hardy Boys and getting a boner … nothing like that.
JERRY I loved the Hardy Boys, are you kidding me?! They were so cute, with all their … or maybe I’m thinking of the show. With Parker Stevenson. Yeah, that’s it! That’s the Hardy Boys I know. The TV ones. God, he was good-looking … Parker …
TOM Funny thing is, I was totally into girls when I was younger—seriously, I was!
JERRY I grew up in Oregon. Beautiful part of the country …
TOM So I did the whole “marriage and kids” thing when I was nineteen … I did. Yeah! Why I don’t know, because I was supposed to? Maybe. It was expected of me and so that’s what I did. I did that … made it through six years. Six. (Beat.) No, “made it through” sounds so—and I don’t wanna be like that, dump on her or be all—no, actually, it’s pretty damn accurate!! I just made it through. Barely.
JERRY I met him when he was living in Chicago, divorced and just starting to dip his toe into the scene a little bit—totally not sure about what he wanted, how he saw his life going in the next however long … but he did like cock. That part was a given. Oh yeah!
TOM I already said that, didn’t I? And it’s true—second I tasted it, it was like a light went off in my head and all these, like, fireworks and stuff … big letters up in the sky saying “YES! WE’RE HOME!!” (Beat.) It was pretty awesome …
JERRY He couldn’t get enough and I was, you know what it’s like—hey, I’ve always been a very giving person! Who am I to stop a guy who wants to learn? And this dude just couldn’t get enough …
TOM I just like the whole—the shape of the thing and how it’s … the taste of it, I mean—not taste, really, it’s only skin after all, how does that taste? But it’s true, there’s a certain—anyway, I’ll shut up now! But you know what I’m saying … that shit is good! Cock.
JERRY Wow. I mean, yeah … he got really good at it. All of it. Sex.
TOM And somehow we sorta just stayed together and became, I dunno, a couple, I guess … I mean, pretty soon he was moved into my place and there we were. Him and me. This … couple. In a relationship.
JERRY I had always been looking for someone. I mean, a guy who I could be—you know what I’m saying! Someone special, who gets me.
TOM Anyway! Enough about us and the whole … trust me, it was working and if it does, when it does—in life, I’m saying—you shouldn’t question happiness. Not ever.
JERRY He was just a funny guy, really. That’s what I liked about him. (Beat.) And great with his kids—on the phone, anyway. He’s not allowed to have them out to see him; they’re in Orlando so he has to fly there if he wants to be around ’em at all, and that’s … (Beat.) Did I mention that he’s good in bed? Well …
TOM I do like sex!—I found that out pretty early on. Like, immediately.
JERRY And that’s how it went and suddenly, you know how it is … like, five years go by! We’re looking in the mirror one morning—we love to shave at the same time, share the water and, and the, you know, use the same little brush thingie with the soap— and, my god, I’m looking at myself and I say to him, I say “Jesus Christ, look at me. I’m twenty-nine years old.” (Beat.) He leans over—doesn’t say a word—just s
ort of lowers his head toward me, this little peck on my cheek. Then he whispers to me, “Wait’ll next year. Thirty’s a bitch … ”
TOM He had a drop of foam on his nose, like a little puppy. Really fucking cute, if you wanna know the truth …
JERRY And we just stood there, bare-chested and with these towels on and started kissing. It was so good. Just—anyway, that’s when he asked me. Said “Let’s get married.”
TOM Which was a big deal, right? I mean, like I said, I’d already done it before and it was, well, whatever … it was what it was. My kids are terrific. (Beat.) Anyway, we’d even talked about it before but living in Chicago it was always about civil unions and domestic partnerships, all this shit that wants to be the same, to give us a little hope that people are about to stop being so goddamn idiotic about something so basic, so simple if they’d just let it be but it’s … anyway, he told me that he had this dream. About it. Like, a wish.
JERRY I just wanted it to be the same as anyone else, you know? Except two guys on top of the cake, in tuxes—really cute and both of us looking … it’s stupid, I know, but I had actual dreams about it! Since I was a kid.
TOM We kinda just watched and waited, without saying too much about it and yet nothing at all was changing so we thought maybe we could move to another state or, or, you know—but years go by and finally I say it as we stand there in the bathroom shaving. I’m the one to say it but we’re both thinking it. Let’s make this thing real! Marriage.
JERRY Boom! Next day we’ve got tickets, we’re off to California—there’s a window out there for us, I mean, we’re two active, informed, vibrant people, right? We see what’s going on in the world and it turns out there’s, like, this five month period in 2008 where that golden state near the ocean comes to its senses and says, “Yes, it’s ok to be who you are” and we run out there like everyone else. Do this thing before anybody can say “no” to us again. And they do, they close that thing down like a book snapping shut, a few months later. Bam! But we do it. We get married.
TOM We looked amazing—I mean, yes, it was just the courthouse and all, but we did the whole deal he’d been wanting. Tuxes and, and just the entire—we were pretty much awesome. Standing there in the hall and … well, people were staring. That’s all I’m gonna say. They were. Staring.