by Ford, Mia
“So, how have you enjoyed your time here? Your first day been okay?”
“Yeah, it’s been good. Everyone has been really welcoming. You do have a good staff here. Adam is a really good office manager. He’s been really friendly with me, he’s really made an effort.”
I think about the words he said to me when she first came into the office and my response is a very dry one. Mostly to mask the twisting up in my gut. “Yes, I bet he has.”
“What do you mean by that?” She sticks her tongue goofily out at me. “Not jealous, are you?”
“Jealous? Of Adam?” I make a scoffing sound. “Come on, why would I be jealous of him?”
“Of him flirting with me?” She drags her tongue along her lip. “Because you look a little...”
There’s something about the dark, empty office that allows us to be a little freer with our words. We were restricted throughout the day, but this is probably worse. This is much more frightening. This has the potential to lead somewhere which freaks me out and thrills me in equal measures.
“I’m not jealous. I don’t think Adam is the guy for you. I’m pretty sure you don’t even like him.”
“No? And who might you think is the guy for me? Who do you think someone like me would like?”
“Ooh, I don’t know. Someone taller, broader, someone who can handle you.”
“You think I need to be handled?” She cocks an eyebrow. “Really? You don’t think I’m easy-going and fun?”
“I do. You’re a firecracker. It’ll take a really strong man to not be walked all over.”
“Well, my last man wasn’t walked all over, that’s for sure.” Her eyes roll. “So, maybe you’re wrong.”
“Obviously he’s a complete and utter idiot. I can’t believe anyone would do that to you.”
Our eyes lock in and there’s a battle in the air. One we’re both clearly wrestling with equally. Do we go further with this, lean in and kiss one another? Turn this into something that it really shouldn’t be? Or do we retreat and carry on as we have been doing? Even though there’s not much chance we can keep that up forever.
“Anyway… here’s this pile. I think I’ve organized them right.” Thank goodness Lexi makes the choice for us, and it’s the right one. We can’t kiss, I shouldn’t even be thinking about kissing someone. “Is there anything else you need me to do?” She looks over my desk. “Any other paper work that needs sorting?”
“No, nothing. Thank you for all your help. You can go now.”
“Okay.” She rises, looking uncertain. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“Yep, thank you.” I can hardly stand to look at her now. “You have been extremely helpful.”
“And don’t stay at the office too late. Don’t forget to get home soon.”
“I won’t, you don’t need to worry about that. I never forget to tuck Aubrey into bed.”
“Well, that’s nice to hear that. A girl always needs her daddy.”
Her fingers curl around the door frame and she smiles at me one last time. Emotions fly thickly through the air, but it seems that we’ve both made the decision not to act on them which is one hundred percent for the best. Even if it’s like a gut punch right now, I know it’s for the best. Rationality knows, and soon my emotions will catch up with that. Soon all of me will accept that keeping apart is the best thing for both of us.
Maybe I should ban work fraternizing. It really is a very dangerous thing.
“See you tomorrow,” she repeats, and then she’s gone, leaving me breathless.
“You need to stop this, Cooper,” I try to remind myself. “This isn’t smart. Feeling good doesn’t last long when it’s all kinds of wrong… and with Lexi, it’s definitely all kinds of wrong!”
6
Lexi
My heart thunders loudly, nerves zigzag through me, I gulp down a big ball of anxiety; this is even worse than my first week of work, even my first day of work where I didn’t know anything. This is petrifying. Facing my family, tackling all of their opinions about all my shitty choices isn’t going to be much fun at all.
What makes it worse is my mom didn’t even want me to meet at her house, she’s making me go to my auntie’s house so everyone can give me hell, all in one go. Perfect, this is just what I need, to go back to being a child.
Come on, Lexi, just get this over with. It’ll all be much better afterwards.
With a shaky fist, I finally knock on the door, facing my fate. I knew when I left Delaware that this would be a part of what I had to do, but I didn’t think it would feel quite so difficult.
The door swings open and there I see my Uncle Ben. His expression remains serious, and since he’s usually the joker of the pack this isn’t good. He’s the easy-going one, if he’s mad then my mom and auntie must be fuming. I gulp down and do what I can to force a small smile on my face.
“Oh, Lexi.” He grabs me and pulls me in for a giant bear hug. “It’s good to have you back.”
I nestle into him, breathing deep to inhale him deeply. He has this scent which reminds me of home, and my goodness, that’s the smell I need more than anything right now. Thank God I have one person on my side.
“It’s good to be back, Uncle Ben. I’m sorry that everything got so shitty for a while.”
“Oh, come on. You don’t think I’m angry with you about that, do you? Don’t be so mental. You’re young, you’re allowed to make mistakes. At least you’ve learned from this one.”
“Do Mom and Auntie Bessie feel the same way?”
He pulls back and gives me a look, one that I understand well. They’ll forgive me, but it’ll take time. I suppose I can understand it, especially from my mom. I’m her only child and since Dad died when I was really young, too young for me to remember him really, she’s had to really protect me in every way. That protection was something that I’ve always wanted to break free from, but obviously it wasn’t the wisest choice.
“Don’t you worry about them. They will say their piece and all will be done. You know how it is. Just take it on the chin and I’ll break out the biscuits so we can have a nice hot chocolate afterwards.”
Relief floods me. I’m so glad that Uncle Ben is here to smooth over the cracks when they appear. He squeezes my hand reassuringly one last time and he indicates for me to head into the kitchen.
I nod and walk towards my doom, knowing that it’s going to get messy. My eyes fall on Mom first of all. She has a hard expression on her face but as I smile at her, she crumbles and tears fly out of her eyes.
“Oh, Lexi, I can’t believe you’re back. Why didn’t you tell me that you were coming back?”
“I didn’t know. Not at first. I just sort of came here as a spur-of-the-moment thing.”
“Did he treat you badly? Tell me he didn’t do anything to hurt you? I’ve always been so worried.”
“He didn’t hurt me.” I need to shut her down rapidly. “He just cheated on me, that’s all.”
“I swear to God I will kill him.” Anger fumes from her. “I will hunt Trent down…”
“No, wait, no. I don’t want you to do anything, Mom. I just want to move on from it.”
She slides down from her stool and hugs me, her slightly darker red hair flowing past mine. I don’t know what I inherited from my dad really, because my looks and personality are all from my mom’s side of the family.
“I did not ever like that boy,” Auntie Bessie pipes up. “I tried to tell you that he’s trouble.”
“I know you did, and I’m sorry that I didn’t listen, I was just so involved…”
“Any idiot with a motorbike isn’t a good idea. You should always keep away.”
“Well, I don’t think you should generalize, I don’t think all guys are like Trent.”
“Whatever, even if that isn’t the case, you should have listened to me.”
“Come on, Bessie.” Uncle Ben rests his hands on her shoulders. “Lexi has been through a hard enough time as it is at the mome
nt. I don’t think we need to lay it on any thicker, do you?”
“I know but the wedding that she missed, the funeral that she didn’t come to…”
“I know it’s all very difficult, but we all made mistakes when we were younger, didn’t we? You aren’t telling me that you were a perfect child who did absolutely nothing wrong? You can’t tell me that because I don’t believe you. Lexi is back now and starting again. I think we all need to be a little more supportive of that.”
I brace, expecting another round of yelling because there’s no way I’m going to get away with it that easily. There are years of hurt to get through here, lots of times these two women want to remind me that they told me so. I’m trying to take it all in, but it’s getting a bit harder to defend myself.
“Alright, alright, Lexi. I’ll stop going on.” That stuns me to the core. “But…” Of course there’s a ‘but. “You have to promise us that you won’t just dive into another relationship. You have a tendency to do that and I really don’t think that’s a good idea. You should take some time to figure yourself out.”
“That’s what I’m doing. I’m focusing on myself right now.”
I shut down, refusing to tell them anything else. I’ve been at my job for nearly a week now and while it’s going well I don’t want to confirm anything until I know for sure that I’m going to stay. I need them to be proud of me.
“I’m going to be better now. I promise you that I’m going to better. You’ll see.”
“Oh, hey there!” a friendly voice interjects, filling me with relief. “Hi, Lexi, it’s good to see you.”
“Carrie!” I run to my cousin, glad to see someone else here, someone to shatter the tension. “How are you?”
I hold her and whisper in her ear, begging her to stay with me. She nods and agrees with me.
“So, what’s going on here then?”
“I’m just getting the third-degree for dating Trent and also being told that I jump into relationships too quickly.”
They aren’t wrong. Before Trent, there was Ryan for eight months, and before that James. But I was young then, I really am trying to be better. There’s a reason that I haven’t been anywhere near Cooper, however much I want to. I know it will ruin my job which right now is far more important.
“Ah, of course. Well, if it helps I had a lecture about bouncing between jobs awhile back, didn’t I, Mom?”
Auntie Bessie rolls her eyes. “Well, you need to just find something and stick to it.”
With Carrie by my side, I feel one hundred percent better. I don’t feel alone. Although I do get that familiar twist of guilt. I should have kept in touch with everyone.
“I’ve learned my lesson,” I insist all over again. “It won’t happen again.”
“There, that should be enough to satisfy everyone, shouldn’t it? Now, I’m going to make some hot chocolate.”
“Thank you, Uncle Ben.”
The atmosphere changes in a heartbeat, everything becomes so much lighter as Uncle Ben flicks the kettle on. I know it isn’t the end of it, there will be more that everyone wants to say, but for now it’s over. I’ve gotten the worst bit over with. We can now finally begin to rebuild. I can get back what Trent cost me.
“I don’t know why you always call your mom,” I can recall him spitting out to me about one year into the relationship. “It really pisses me off. It’s almost like you want to annoy me.”
I didn’t even realize how much I allowed that comment to control me then. I started making the phone calls when he wasn’t around, and eventually that only became text messages. The more my Mom criticized him, the further I pulled away until I just stopped communicating at all. Like a fool, I got played.
It wasn’t just that either, there were many, many things. The more it comes to light, the more I feel like a fool, and all the more determined I become to make things better in the future.
* * *
“I’m so glad to have you back.” Cassie pulls me in for a hug. “Sorry that got a bit intense.”
“No, don’t be sorry. You’re the one who diffused it. I’m so glad you came.”
“Well, you and I need to hang out more now that you’re back. I know that we never had much time beforehand, we both had our own stuff going on, but we’re older now, we can support each other.”
“Of course. I would like to hang out with you. Thanks, Cassie. Love you.”
“I love you too.”
I walk away, leaving with a surprising smile on my face. I thought that was going to be horrific, but I think now that was just a small step in the right direction. I think everything is going to be okay.
I whip out my cell phone and text Flora and Krysten in a group text to fill them in.
Lexi: Just saw the family. Somehow, I’m still alive!
Flora: That’s awesome news. Did your mom lose her shit?
Krysten: And was your aunt there? She scares the living hell out of me.
Lexi: They were all there.
Lexi: It started off super awkward with everyone going in on me, but then Cassie turned up and made everything better.
Flora: Your cousin, Cassie?
Lexi: Yeah, she was pretty cool, actually. We weren’t ever close before, but I think that might change.
Krysten: Well, that’s great news. But I want to talk about the job…
Lexi: That’s going well too. I’ll tell you all about it when I see you both.
Krysten: And when is that going to be? Can we all hang out this weekend? I need a good gossip with the girls.
Lexi: Hell yeah! You should both come over to mine. I’ll cook for you.
Flora: I’ve tasted your cooking before…
Krysten: Yeah, we all remember the frozen fries, burnt pizza incident.
Lexi: Alright, alright, I’ll order in. I try to do a nice thing!
Krysten: Aw, you know that we love you really. That sounds awesome anyway. I will bring some booze. I have some stuff to tell you about me and Nick.
Lexi: You and Nick? That’s a thing now?
Krysten: You’ve missed so much, Lexi… too much for me to catch you up all in one meeting. Don’t worry though, since you’re sticking around I have all the time in the world to tell you.
Lexi: Well, I can’t wait to hear it all.
All of this only makes me wish that I came back sooner. I hate that I’ve missed everything here because of him. I’ve been in a hole. One that I’ve only just now come out of. I suppose my head is just peeking above the soil at the moment, there’s still a lot that I need to do before I can fully climb all the way out.
At least now, I’m on the way. That’s the one positive thing.
7
Cooper
“Adam, will you stop winding me up.” I watch Lexi roll her eyes dramatically. “I really need your help here.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I can only give you help if you agree to something?”
Lexi puts her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes at him. “Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
“You have to agree to go on a date with me.”
Temper boils and bubbles inside of me, the urge to put a stop to this before it begins is almost overwhelming, but I can’t. Not without showing Lexi that yes, I am jealous. I don’t know how much I mind if she knows, to be honest; she’s perfectly aware of my feelings towards her, but since we had an unspoken agreement to put that to one side, I don’t want to be the one to break that. I also don’t want Adam to know how I feel.
No, what I need to do is take a step back. If they want something to happen between them, then so be it. I don’t want to stop their future happiness… even if I know that Adam is nowhere near good enough for her.
“I am not agreeing to go on a date with you like that. What sort of woman do you think I am?”
“I think you’re a very beautiful woman who deserves to be treated right.”
I watch Lexi snort at him and stomp off. A bubble of self-satisfaction bursts in my chest. Thank God, I
don’t know if I really could have been the mature adult, happy for them to be together.
“What is her problem?” Adam asks me, like I’m going to be on his side.
“I think she just wants to get on with work without you hitting on her all the time.”
“She doesn’t seem to mind it when you flirt.”
“What?” I spin around to face him in shock. “I don’t flirt with her, what do you mean?”
I don’t… at least, not when everyone else is around. It might accidently slip into that when we’re alone every now and again, but I don’t see why that would trouble him.
“Oh, come off it. It’s so obvious that you like her, the whole office can see it.”
My blood runs icy cold. I don’t like that at all. My fun little secret crush has become something so much bigger in just a few short words. It isn’t as gleeful if other people have picked up on it. It just feels wrong.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I reply tartly. “There’s nothing there.”
“Why are you worried? Because of what people will think? You shouldn’t be concerned about that…”
“I’m not worried about anything, I just don’t want everyone talking about it when it isn’t a thing.”
“Okay, well just to let you know it’s been a long time now. No one would judge you if you…”
“No one has any right to judge me about anything.” Uh-oh, I can feel my temper seeping free. “I don’t judge anyone else. But that is still irrelevant because there isn’t anything there. Just stop it already.”
“Alright, okay.” Adam steps away from me, his wide eyes shocked. I may well have gone a tiny bit over board there. “Sorry, Cooper, I’m not trying to be a dick. I just wanted to see if there was anything there.”
“I’ve got to go and get ready for this photo shoot. Do you think you can get back to work?”
I storm off, wondering what the hell has gotten in to me. I never fight with Adam, ever. He’s one of those employees that’s been there with me from the beginning, we have a great time together usually. It’s Lexi. She’s gotten under my skin and she’s sending me crazy. I can’t help it. I need to shake her off and quickly. Especially if everyone in this building already thinks it’s a thing. I’m not hiding my emotions well enough.