by Ford, Mia
“Are we going to talk about it another time, or are we just going to carry on?”
“I honestly thought that you were the one who didn’t want to talk?”
“I didn’t, but if it’s going to be like this then we need to…”
“Is talking going to make any difference? Haven’t we agreed?”
“Yes, but…”
“So, we just remain as friends. Talking won’t change the awkwardness, we just need to get past it.”
“But how?” I can see the desperation flying from her. “I don’t want it to be like this.”
Without even thinking about it, I move a step closer to her and I brush my hand against her hip. She shivers, electricity running through the both of us. The electricity that got us into trouble in the first place.
“I don’t either, Lexi, but until we can just be friends, that’s all it is.”
“Friends?” She looks crest fallen. “Yeah, I guess that’s all we can ask for now, isn’t it?”
It feels a bit more honest to have this conversation. It definitely isn’t the time or place, but since it hasn’t come before and I don’t think it will come again, I need to take advantage of it.
“Yes. It is.” I lean my head forward without thinking again. If I switch my brain off and allow my body to do whatever the hell it wants, it dives straight into danger. But the danger feels amazing, I like it too much. “It’s all we can ever have because anything else is so… so wrong.”
Her eyes glaze over and I watch her rise up onto her tiptoes. All I need to do is lean forward, to close the gap between us, and we will be kissing. My mouth becomes dry with desire as I think about how awesome it would feel. I know how much of a good kisser she is, and we’re here again in a dangerous moment where I know we could be caught out at any given moment which heightens every single sensation.
“No, no,” she rasps while shoving me backwards, shattering the moment. “I’ve spent all afternoon reminding myself of all the reasons this cannot happen. I can’t go back on it now. Stop tempting me.”
“You’re the one tempting me, it’s impossible to be around you.”
“Circles. More circles. We just keep going around in them.”
“Well, it’s your fault now. You can’t blame me. I just came to say that I’m sorry, you’re the one who’s fucked it all up again and made me all confused. You’re playing with my mind. All the time. How the hell am I supposed to forget about you when you’re doing stuff like that?” She knots her fingers up in her hair looking wild and unhinged. “You’re making me lose my mind, I don’t know how much longer I can take it.”
“Okay, well then I guess we do need to talk, to make some changes…”
“Oh, sorry.” All of a sudden, we both spin to see Cassie staring at us both, wide-eyed and in shock. Great, just perfect. It’s so damn obvious that we’re in the middle of an emotionally charged lovers tiff. “I just came to find you because Aubrey is asking where her daddy is. I wanted to check you weren’t lost.”
“No, I’m ready to leave now. Thank you, Cassie.”
I push past Lexi and head back out into the garden, my heart pumping boiling hot blood all the way through my body. That should not have happened, Lexi shouldn’t have followed me around here, we both knew it would lead to trouble. Now Cassie, Nora’s sister, has a very good idea what’s going on. This is a nightmare.
I gather Aubrey up and say goodbye to the rest of the family in a blur. My head is all over the place, I can barely even see anyone, never mind think straight. All I can be sure of now is that I need to get away. I can’t breathe, I can’t do anything rational, I’m a real mess. The longer I’m here, the worse it gets.
Once in the car, I speed away quickly, shaking my head as I go. I cannot believe that any of this just happened, it’s ridiculous. Seeing Lexi has me all churned up in my inside. I’m raging, hurt, sad, mental…
“Mommy is nice.”
I squeeze my eyes closed, before I answer. “That’s Lexi, Aubrey. Not Mommy.”
“Mommy is in Heaven.”
“Yes, that’s right.” I don’t know if I’m happy that she knows that. “She’s in Heaven.”
I glance in the mirror to see Aubrey staring up towards the sky, almost as if she’s looking for Nora. The image tugs at my chest. I wish she was here too, just to make everything much less complicated. My marriage was easy, it was simple, I always knew where I stood. Nora never made me feel like this.
There wasn’t ever a time when I didn’t know what she thought about me or I didn’t feel like I could just reach out and touch her. Even right in the beginning, I always knew where I stood. This has me all vulnerable and raw, it scares me how wild I feel when I’m around her. She makes me lose all control.
What am I going to do with you, Lexi? I think desperately, wishing she could hear me. We really do need to talk, just at a more convenient time. There’s so much that needs to be said. How can we make this right?
“Love you, Daddy.”
I’m shaken from my thoughts by Aubrey again, saying something so sweet and adorable it makes me forget all my problems.
“Oh, I love you too, Aubrey. I love you to the moon and back, you have no idea.”
“I like the moon.”
I let out a little laugh. I love the way that she takes each moment as it comes. I could stand to be more like that.
16
Lexi
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking hell, what the fuck am I going to do now?
Cassie knows it now, I can see it in her eyes. She’s looking at me differently, and I don’t like it at all. I didn’t want anyone to know about this, all I wanted to do was to quickly apologize to Cooper. This is his fault, he had to take it to another level. He escalated rapidly and now everything is even worse than before.
I pause in the hallway long after everyone else has headed back out into the garden, just trying to prepare myself. Cassie won’t be happy about this, Cooper is her sister’s husband. It doesn’t matter if Nora isn’t around anymore, that doesn’t change what should be a good family loyalty. I’m still very much in the wrong.
I’ve only just got her back in my life and I’ve ruined it already. I’m such an idiot.
“What on earth is going on?” Mom grabs me and pulls me to one side secretly. Obviously, Cassie has already said something and the onslaught is about to come my way. “Why did you chase after Cooper like that?”
“Huh?” My expression furrows in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“When he went to the bathroom before. You ran after him and were gone for ages.”
I try to piece this together. It doesn’t seem like Cassie has said something after all. I’m sure Mom would have opened with that if she knew that we’d had a little argument… one that gives everything away.
“Erm, I needed to talk to him about something, and I thought it was the best time.”
“What something work-related?” She cocks her head to one side. “Something that you needed to say now.”
“Yeah, something about work. I know it wasn’t the best time, that’s why I waited.”
“Oh, don’t spin me that line, Lexi, it’s written all over your face. You like him.”
“Erm…” I haven’t got a clue what to say to that one.
“You like him despite the fact that you promised me you were staying single.”
“I am staying single. I told you that I would. I don’t know what you think you can see…”
“Don’t act like I don’t know you, Lexi. You forget I raised you.”
I want to weep. This is a nightmare. No one will leave me alone. I feel like my chest is tight, it’s all constricted. I can’t get enough air in there, however hard I try. I want Mom to see that I just don’t need this.
“I know, Mom. But it isn’t like that, I just really respect him, that’s all it is, and I’m trying to impress him at the moment. Like I said to you, I’m trying to make good of this job.”
Much to her credit, her fa
ce does fall and I think I might spot a flicker of guilt there. If only I was being totally honest with her, then I could feel some self-riotousness right now. But of course, it’s all bullshit so I can’t.
“Right, okay, I just… I don’t know, I thought I saw something between you today.”
That has my heart flapping like crazy, I don’t know how to take that. My mom is pretty eagle-eyed but aside from chasing him towards the bathroom I thought we kept our distance. I didn’t think we made anything obvious at all. But it seems that Mom found a way to see right through the façade. Maybe she does know me well.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mom. He’s just my boss, that’s all.”
“Good. Because it would be really complicated if anything happened. What with Nora and all.”
I swallow down the thick ball of guilt that lodges in my throat. “I know.”
“I’m sorry, Lexi, I shouldn’t keep judging you on the past, you have grown up now.”
“I’m… yeah, I’m trying. I really am trying my hardest.” Not hard enough! “I want to be a grownup now.”
She pulls me to her and hugs me hard. I feel so horrible for deceiving her. I don’t even know why I did it because it won’t be long until Cassie breaks it all apart. She’s going to set a bomb in the middle of the waters of my life and implode everything, and my mom will hate me forever more for lying.
All of this should be motivation for me to tell the truth, but it isn’t.
“I don’t think I say it enough, but if you ever need any help, anyone to talk to, then I’m here. I know that we’ve drifted apart over the years, but remember how close we used to be? It can be that way again.”
I smile and giggle, recalling all the fun we used to have before Trent came along. I wish that he never turned up into my life because then this distance just wouldn’t even be a thing. I wouldn’t feel like I’m on the outside of my family looking in. Also, I would have known Cooper when he was with Nora so I wouldn’t like him in the way that I do… or maybe I would, but the line would already be there and I definitely wouldn’t cross it.
God, I wish Nora was here. There are so many things that I want to say to her, starting with sorry.
“Yeah, okay, thanks, Mom. I know that you’re here. I will come to you about stuff.”
I won’t. I think we both know that, but the sentiment is nice all the same.
“Come on then, I think Bessie has the kettle on, I don’t know about you but I really need a cup of tea after that massive shock. It’s been a very interesting afternoon, don’t you think?”
You have absolutely no idea! My afternoon has absolutely shaken up everything!
“Yes, it has. I think I might pop to the bathroom and I’ll join you outside in a moment.”
I take shaky steps up to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face to cool me down. This was probably just another stupid mistake because it gives Cassie all the time she wants to throw me under the bus. I suppose it doesn’t matter, if she’s going to say it then she’ll do it anyway, but still… I’m a freaking mess.
“What am I playing at?” I ask my manic-looking reflection. “What am I doing here?”
I have spent my whole life getting myself into messy situations and now I’ve done it again. My mother’s pride in me for growing up is very misplaced. I am trying, I wasn’t lying about that, but I don’t think it’s working. Whatever it is that I’m trying to do, I’m not even close to succeeding.
“It’s time to face this now. It’s time to just get it over and done with.”
I try to be determined, I want to face this with the usual strength I tackle everything with, but this is different. This has the potential to rip my whole family apart and I’m so, so scared about it.
But standing around here won’t change that, there’s nothing I can do.
I feel like I’m floating as I head back down the stairs, like nothing that’s happening is real. My head buzzes, I’m overcome with a deep, intense sickness. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so dizzy before.
“You alright, girl?” Thank goodness it’s Uncle Ben I see first. “You look pale.”
“Hmm, yeah, I think I might feel a bit sick…”
“I hope you aren’t coming down with something.”
He doesn’t look like he hates me, but I honestly don’t think he would. He’s just such a loving man I know he’s understanding and would forgive anything. Just a shame the same can’t be said for everyone else.
“Yeah. Me too. Is, erm, is everyone else outside?”
I give him an expectant look. If there’s something I need to know surely, he will give me a head’s up, but he smiles and points towards the door as if world war three isn’t awaiting me. Because of that I nod determinedly and I make my way outside. My shoulders are up around my ears as I go, but surprisingly no one looks at me.
“Here’s your drink, Lexi.” Bessie hands me a mug. “Sorry, I hope it isn’t cold.”
“Thank you. No, that feels absolutely fine, thank you, Aunt Bessie.”
I walk around the garden, my head all over the place. I don’t know whether I want to look at Cassie or not. I need to, to see where her head is at, but it’s really hard to do so. It takes a while, but finally, I drag my eyes up and I meet her gaze. She doesn’t look as angry as I expected her to, which I think might be a positive. It seems more like a question there than anything else. A question that I don’t yet know how to answer.
I give her a small smile, hoping that she will take it for now, and she shoots one back at me. She’s unsure, that much is obvious, I’m sure she’s questioning ever trusting me again, but for now it’s okay, she’s keeping it to herself. Thank goodness she comes from the same family so she knows how mental they can be.
I want to mouth the word ‘thank you’ at her but that feels like a step too far. The smile is enough.
I breathe out a sigh of relief. That’s a good start, at least she’s giving me the one thing I need. Time. Now, I just need to use that time wisely and make some wise decisions with it. I need to really make this right now, once and for all, put an end to the mess I’m starting to create and really start fresh.
* * *
I can’t just sit here staring at the four walls of my apartment any longer, I need to take action. This is driving me crazy, I need to straighten it out. I grab my cell phone and fire off a text with shaky desperate fingers, hoping that I can get some sort of answers out of him because I’m not coming up with any alone.
Lexi: Did you mean what you said, that you wanted to talk things through.
Cooper: We need to talk things through. It’s necessary. When do you want to do it?
Lexi: As soon as possible. Whenever you have a moment, really, Preferably before Monday.
I can’t face another stressful day at work, I’ll start losing my hair at this rate.
Cooper: Are you doing anything right now? I can get a baby sitter. Aubrey is in bed.
My heart beats faster, much as I don’t want to drag him away from his home, the sooner we get this done the better. There’s just too much charging between us all the time. There’s a final conversation that needs to be had.
Lexi: I’m not doing anything right now. I can come to you if it’s easier?
Cooper: I suppose that would be much better. I’ll hire you a car.
Lexi: Right, thank you. I’ll see you in a bit then.
God, this is scary. It could go so many ways but I will feel better once it’s out in the open. After finding that picture of Nora, it’s been awkward, but that’s because I ran away without discussing things with him. If I’d stayed, maybe it wouldn’t be quite so complicated now. Maybe we would be okay.
This will be the moment when everything changed for the better. Now, I just need to find the perfect outfit for it before the car arrives. Something that makes me look serious, in control, like I mean business. But also, not like I’m marching towards my doom because I do actually want us to be friends at the e
nd of this.
If that’s at all possible.
17
Cooper
I check for what feels like the hundredth time to be sure that Aubrey is asleep before Lexi turns up. I don’t know what’s going to happen when she arrives, we might end up shouting, and I don’t want her to hear it.
“Good, good, good,” I mutter idly while rubbing my forehead. “Good, you’re asleep, Aubrey, that’s good.”
I’m a mess, I can hardly stand it. Nerves dart all through me and I can’t stand still. The cab should be here by now, I don’t think I’ll be able to hang around much longer, I’m about to call her any moment…
Knock, knock.
Oh, thank God. She’s here. I jump down the stairs two at a time to get there quicker and I swing open the door. The mere sight of her causes me to suck a deep inward breath. Does she have to be so torturously beautiful? My heart expands then breaks just at the thought of her not belonging to me.
I know that it’s wrong, I keep giving myself all the reasons why I can’t like her, but what am I supposed to do when my body won’t listen to me? I react to her desperately, wishing I could just hold her already.
“Hi, Lexi. Thank you for coming over, that makes it a whole lot easier.”
“I know. I understand your difficult situation.”
“Come in, don’t stand out there in the cold, would you like something to drink?”
“Erm, no thank you.” She steps inside. “You have a really nice place here.”
“Thank you. Yeah, it’s…” This is another awkward topic. My home with Nora. “It’s okay.”
“Right.” She nods awkwardly and follows me into the kitchen where we both stand across from one another, sizing each other up. There’s so much that needs to be said, so much I need to sort, but it’s difficult. “So…”
“So… yeah, well the first thing I want to say is sorry for today. That got out of hand.”
“Yeah.” She actually laughs at that one. “It sure did. And I’m pretty sure Cassie overheard.”