by Ford, Mia
“Hmm. Good question.” I pause thoughtfully. “When he asked me to be his girlfriend I didn’t care. I thought we were strong enough to take on the world and that nothing else mattered. But now, this has shaken everything up. I don’t know what I think anymore. I don’t know if I even want to be with him.”
“Why? Because of Nora? Because you’re scared of being judged?”
“I don’t even think it’s that. It’s because he wouldn’t listen to me. Because I have spent so many years of my life being ignored and pushed down, I don’t want that anymore. I want to be an equal.”
“I know you do, Lexi, I do understand. I just don’t think you should make a snap decision.”
I sigh loudly. “I’m trying not to. I don’t want to. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I want. I guess I should just take some time to really think about it so I don’t do anything stupid.”
“You should be with him.” I jump as I hear Cassie’s voice behind me. “He loves you.”
I spin rapidly, my eyes widening in shock. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’ve helped him with all of this; I’ve seen him and he’s in love.”
“Has he actually said that to you?”
“He doesn’t need to. I can see it.”
“Yeah, I have to agree with Cassie,” Krysten joins in. “I can see it too.”
“You only saw him for a couple of moments, during which he was acting like a freak.”
“Yeah, because of you. Because he’s so in love with you.”
“But, what about everyone? This isn’t just about me and him.” I stare intently at Cassie. “What about your mom? And my mom? They will string me up for this.”
“You are far too worried about their opinions. It hardly matters, does it?”
“Of course it does! I’ve disappointed our family enough.”
“By living your life and making your own mistakes. This is your life, not theirs. They will get used to it.”
“You say it like it’s so simple.”
“Because I think it is. I don’t think you need to complicate it.”
I sigh loudly, my head spinning with these words. Maybe I am reading too much into it, overcomplicating things because I’m scared. I do want to jump into this with both feet but I’m afraid of so many things. I don’t want to get hurt and to alienate everyone else in the process.
“I don’t know, guys. And I don’t know if it matters anyway.”
“You really think Cooper is mad enough to get himself killed? He won’t leave Aubrey. Especially not after what happened to Nora. He might have been wild for a moment but he isn’t stupid.”
“Then why isn’t he back here?” I shrug helplessly. “What’s he doing?”
“I can’t answer that, but I know he’s alive.”
“You don’t know that.” My eyes fall to the ground. “No one knows that.”
Cassie grabs me and she pulls me in for a hug. I appreciate the support, I know I really need it, but my body stiffens. I can’t take it fully when I feel so misunderstood. None of the girls get why I can’t do this anymore, why it doesn’t feel right. They probably think that Cooper is my happy-ever-after and I so want him to be, but how can he be when there is always something in our way? Love is supposed to be easy.
“Lexi. We are all here for you.” Krysten rubs my back, probably the most understanding of them all. “Whatever you decide, we’re going to be here. We only just got you back, we don’t want to lose you again.”
“Thank you.” I step away from all of them, needing a moment of distance. “I appreciate it. I just need to… to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute, alright?”
“We aren’t going anywhere. Me and Cassie are here with you and Flora until you get out.”
Because we were admitted so late, visiting hours haven’t applied for some reason. I guess that might explain how Trent got to me when I was in here the last time. But he could have done anything. He’s nuts.
I turn and practically run to the bathroom, the idea of locking myself in a cubicle to recharge for a moment is too much to resist. I need to think, to really sort out where my head is right now, because it’s damn near impossible to think straight. Everything that’s happened has really messed me up.
By the time I’m alone, tears are streaming down my face. I’m weeping silently, lost in my own sorrow. Without even thinking too much about it I lift the toilet lid and vomit spills past my lips into the bowl. That’s the moment I realize how much this is truly affecting me. It’s making me ill.
It must be the shock, I decide as I grip onto my forehead. It has to be.
But the vomit doesn’t stop coming for quite a long time. So long I think I might have to speak to the doctor about it. It could be some aftereffect of the fight with Trent. They did say no real damage had been done but I was hit hard. Maybe I didn’t make that clear enough.
I swear to God, if Trent has caused some permanent damage then I might kill him myself.
Where are you, Cooper? I think as I slide to the ground in a heap. Why aren’t you here with me? Helping me through all of this? I don’t like it one bit.
I don’t share Cassie’s optimism. I don’t have the feeling that he’s still here. My heart is hollow and my body empty. I’m just so terrified that I will not be able to ever see his face again. Disappointed or not, I don’t want him dead. I clutch onto my stomach, trying to find some positivity, but I have none left. I’m stuck in a hole of sadness, completely unable to get out.
39
Cooper
“What do you mean, help?” Trent growls at me, his unfriendly nature shining through. “What sort of fucking help could a man like you give me? I don’t mean to be rude, but do you even understand shit?”
I smile, quite smugly since I actually have the upper hand right now. Even he knows that.
“Well, you’re in a bit of mess, aren’t you? It doesn’t seem like you have a solution.”
“Are you taking the piss? What is this?” He folds his arms across his chest angrily. “I don’t have time to fuck about, mate. I need to get the hell out of here, do you get that?”
“I do get that. But if I’m going to help you then I need you to listen.”
I can see him wrestling with himself. Clearly, he doesn’t want to. He’s a proud man who doesn’t want the help of anyone, least of all the man who has been with his ex-girlfriend, but he obviously can’t see any way out himself and much as he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, he doesn’t have a choice.
“If the offer is that you’re going to kill me first, you can forget it.”
“That was my first choice, I’ll be honest with you about that one, but now I have a better idea. See, I’m not a killer, I’m not a criminal at all, and I don’t want you to turn me into that.”
“Alright, so you’re the fucking king of the world. And what?”
“Oh no, I’m not saying that I’m better than you, even though I obviously am.”
Trent glances at his wrist, as if he thinks I won’t notice there isn’t a watch there. “Mate, I have to go.”
“I can offer you a way to go as well. I mean really go. Get the fuck out of here. Avoid the police, avoid the gang, avoid what’s coming to you for what you did and didn’t do to Lexi.”
“Ooh, sounds like the perfect fucking solution.”
“It is. And if you turn the sarcasm off for a second, I might just let you hear it.” I get silence back for long enough to be satisfied. “Now, I am going to offer you the one thing you really need to escape. Money.”
“Oh, as if you’re going to offer me money after what I just did.” He rolls his eyes dramatically. “What, you think I’m stupid or something? I honestly do not have the time for this.”
“I am going to offer you money. A life-changing amount that you will have to take. Enough to get you out of the state, out of the country really, since I think that’s what you really need. Enough money to start your life again and liv
e it properly. You can actually be a decent person this time around. You don’t need to hang around with lowlifes and turn to crime. I am giving you the chance to be a decent human being.”
“How much money?”
“Ooh, we’re getting right down to it, are we? Fine. One hundred thousand dollars.”
His eyes almost bug out of his head in shock. “You are fucking having me on.”
“I’m not. I want to give you that money right now to get out.”
He’s torn. Even more tempted to listen to me than before. “You are fucking joking, right?”
“I’m not joking. Think how far away from this situation with that.”
“You’re pissing me off now, I know you’re taking the piss.”
“I am dead serious.”
He narrows his eyes at me, trying to work out what I’m up to. “But why would you do that? Why would you help a guy that’s fucked with the woman you like? That makes no sense to me at all. You should want me dead or want the cops to catch me. You shouldn’t want to give me cash. I’m sure that you can afford it, you’re a rich fucker, but still. I can’t for the life of me work out your motivation.”
“Because I want you gone.”
“So, let me be killed. Let the cops catch me.”
“They might not kill you, I can’t risk that. If you’re arrested, one day you’ll be out, I can’t risk that either. If you take this money from me and leave the country, I own you. You can’t come back.”
“I can do what I want with it.”
“You can but I don’t think you’d be so stupid. We both know this is the best offer you’re going to get ever. You go and your gang won’t let you come back, nor will the cops. You come back and you’ll face the things that you want to run away from, to avoid. It would be pointless. And I believe you want that money to start again. Lexi might have been naïve with you, but I don’t think that she’s an idiot. If she saw some good in you, there must be some. Also, there will be so many restraining orders in place.”
“I don’t fucking think that I should agree to this.” He rakes his shaking fingers through his hair. “It’s too risky. I don’t like the sound of it at all. I sure as shit don’t want to be helped by you.”
“I don’t want to help you either. I want to see you suffer. I’m not doing this for you or me. It’s for her. You have made a fucking mess of this life. There’s no coming back from the hole that you’ve dug here. Go, get a new name, a new identity, go and be the person that you’ve always wanted to be.”
He digs his hands into his pocket and a glint of metal catches my eye. Immediately I go on to the defensive. Just as I thought I was getting through to him, he pulls this shit. I really thought that I was about to get everything that I wanted then, him gone and me not having to kill anyone, but that was stupid. I’m a fool.
“Trent, don’t do this, don’t fuck this up. I really am trying to give you a chance here.”
“I know that.” He kicks his foot back and boots his motorcycle until it scrapes along the ground. Then I watch in shock as he grabs a stone from the ground and he bashes at the metal, creating one hell of a racket while he uses the knife to slash the tires. He really is a madman, I should have listened to Lexi.
I’m sorry, Lexi, I think to myself as I take a step backwards. I’ve fucked it.
He might not be coming for me, but it hardly matters. Whatever this shitstorm is, I need to get away.
Trent then slashes the knife across his hand, not even wincing with pain and he trickles blood all over the now smashed up bike. What the fuck is this, some sort of voodoo shit?
“What are you doing?” I need to speak out, I have to put a stop to this.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He doesn’t even look up at me, he just keeps bleeding. “I need them to think I’m dead.”
“The gang? This will make them think you’re dead?”
“My precious bike is smashed up, my pride and joy, and there’s blood. They think I’m dead and they will leave it well alone. If they think I’m alive, it’ll be hard for me to ever get rid of them. Wherever I am.”
I breathe out a bit of relief. At least this means he’s on board.
“I don’t fucking like this, but you’re right. I don’t have a choice. Plus, I’m not an idiot to turn down one hundred grand. I don’t know what I’ll do with it, but I will save myself.”
It does make my blood boil. This man doesn’t deserve to be saved after what he’s done. He should be skinned alive, he should be made to suffer, but this is the mature way to handle it. This is what I should do. I’m grown up enough to know that karma can do its own work. I just need to protect Lexi and Aubrey.
“Right then.” Finally, he looks up at me. “Now that’s done, you can get me this cash. Also, I think I might need a ride to the airport, but since I guess you’ll want to make sure that I really do go, that’s probably in your plan anyway, am I right?” He smirks at me, annoyingly satisfied. “Yeah, of course I am.”
“I wouldn’t piss you off yet, Trent. You aren’t gone yet, I haven’t given you any money. I could quite easily leave you here for the guys to find you. Now you don’t even have a bike to escape.”
He pales, realizing his idiocy. “Right, yeah. Okay.”
“Come on then, let’s get into my car and get you away from here. Then, depending on how you behave on the drive to the airport, I might just get you the money.”
He nods, chastened and climbs into my car as I indicate for him to do so. The primal urge is still there. I suppose I could still change my mind and just bump the fucker off, but I don’t think I will. I’m pretty sure I will still hold myself together and do the right thing. For Lexi, for Aubrey, and for Nora too. She wants me to be a man who my daughter can be proud of and I don’t think killing off a love rival helps. Whoever said love rival might be and no matter what he has done. I don’t need to be calm for much longer. Soon, this will all be over and I can go back to the hospital and see Lexi. I really hope that she’s okay…
* * *
I watch the plane rise up into the sky, satisfied that he’s finally leaving America behind. I don’t know what Holland holds for him, or even if he’ll stay there, but he has enough euros to last him for a very long time. A man like him, if he uses his head resourcefully, he can make it last forever.
I will never understand him or what he did, men like him sicken me, but I do think he came to an understanding with me. I sure as hell don’t ever expect to see his face again in this country. I will still ensure that Lexi and Aubrey have all the legal help that they need, restraining orders and that so we can call the cops if he does return, but I think that’s it. I believe this is what he needed.
It isn’t justice, but justice doesn’t last long enough. It isn’t death, but at least I’m not a killer.
Maybe he’ll head down the same route and fuck his life up again. Maybe he will meet a nice lady and he’ll start a family of his own, perhaps he’ll find the happiness that he doesn’t deserve.
As long as he isn’t near me, I couldn’t care less.
Once the plane is out of sight, I feel a hope bloom in my chest. A weight lift from my shoulders. Everything that’s been holding us apart is now gone. He’s out of the picture so we can concentrate on getting us back on track again. A small smile plays on the corners of my lips, everything is going to be so much better from here on out. I know that we still have road blocks to get out of the way, but Lexi and I will be fine.
Once she hears about what I’ve done, she’ll be over the moon, I just know it.
With almost a skip in my step I turn to leave, satisfied and excited for the future. Now I have my girlfriend back and I’m going to do everything I can to make her life amazing. I’m going to finally be the perfect man.
40
Lexi
My eyes flicker closed, the morning light streaming through the window. After a night of no sleep, I really need a rest now. I need to recover from everything that’s happened. I don’t k
now when I’ll be allowed to go home, but I hope I can actually get some sleep first. Flora is finally sleeping, Krysten and Cassie have gone home, it’s now or never. I am exhausted. It washes right through me, but my mind is wired. I want to switch off but I don’t know how. My brain is darting everywhere. I suppose it’s because I don’t know where he is.
Cooper… why did you have to do this to me? Why did you have to leave?
I sigh loudly and turn onto my other side, my head pounding with pain. I push myself up into a sitting position, rubbing my eyes hard. Maybe I should be home, maybe I’d be able to get some rest there. I don’t even have my cell phone, that’s the annoying thing. It’s in my handbag still at Flora’s house. Unless Trent has it. If he does he’ll be getting increasingly wound up, fully knowing there was something between me and Cooper. I never really confirmed anything so for now he just suspects.
Urgh, this is ridiculous. This is absolutely horrible. I can’t even feel safe in here, not after last time.
Bang! The door swings open, almost as if I’ve conjured danger my way. I flick my eyes upwards rapidly, but thankfully it isn’t him. It’s Cooper. At least, I think it is, I need to check it isn’t a dream. I grab onto my skin and pinch my arm, but as the pain radiates through me, I know this isn’t my imagination.
“Cooper? Is that you?” I grab onto my chest, panic swimming through me. “Are you… okay?”
“I’m fine. I really am. It’s all okay now.”
He races to me with his hands outstretched as if he thinks I’m going to hug him. I hold my hand out determinedly to stop him. Right now, I can hardly breathe. I can’t stand him touching me.
“What do you mean, it’s all okay? I need you to clarify.”
“Trent is gone, he won’t be bothering you anymore.”
I clap my hand to my mouth to stop the vomit from spilling out. I’ve spent all night long trying to stop myself from being sick, sometimes not succeeding, and now that Cooper’s here, it isn’t much better.