noun
A word used to verbally test the identity of spies, soldiers, or foreigners. If you’re a night sentry and someone approaches your post, for example, you might say, “What is the frequency, Kenneth?” not because you thought the soldier on the other side would actually know the frequency, but because if he cannot correctly pronounce Kenneth without an accent, you start shooting. The word lollapalooza was often used by American soldiers as a shibboleth during WWII.
Shorthairs |‘schort airz|
noun
Those which one should neither pluck nor shave, but by which one may, in the end, be dragged around.
Sitting on Your Ham |sett in’ on yah hem|
phrase
Being lazy. Coasting. Parking your donk at the end of the bench and refusing to move. Trading up three jeans sizes in one semester. Ordering a pair of McGriddles to go with your order of four McGriddles. Flipping channels. Chillaxin’. Adding a few more broken lamps to the pile of junk that’s already flowing out of your big ol’ steamer trunk.
ALTERNATE: “Get up off of that ham right now, young lady, and come help swab your brother!”
Sleep with Danger (Mother May I?) |sle pah wif dan jur|
phrase
Oh my Bob, Tori was so good in that.
Doing something outrageous and possibly illegal.
Slide |sld|
verb (past: slid|slid|) [intrans.]
Sex.
Move along a smooth surface while maintaining continuous contact. Ex: Same thing.
Snooper |cnu puhr|
noun—pejorative
A guy who sneaks into your room and goes through your drawers, finds something embarrassing, and shows it to everybody.
ALTERNATE: Creeper |kree puhr|
A guy who sneaks into your room, goes through your drawers, finds your underwear, and keeps it. Also see: Fat man on Internet chatting as goth girl named Kendra who just got in a big fight with her stepmom about navel piercings.
The Snouts |‘sah knout|
noun
Cops. See also: Police, Fuzz, Le Flic, the Man, the Filth, Pigs, Po-lice, Five-O, the Constabulary, the Federales, Johnny Law.
ALTERNATE: The Snout Huts |‘sah knout hyut|
noun
Cop shop. Po-lice station. Downtown. The lockup. The brig. The stripey hole. Attica. The cooler. Inside. Suge’s pad. The Turkish bath. Motel Six years without parole. The pokey. Maximum.
“The Spanish Inquisition” |spensh qui sitsh un|
noun
A skit by the comedy troupe Monty Python rumored to be based on a real historical event, where Cardinal Ximenez tortures someone with a dish rack and a “comfy chair.” If you ask your uncle Morty about it this Thanksgiving, he will immediately launch into the world’s worst English accent and recite all the dialogue from memory, causing not a single person to laugh, and resulting in Aunt Alice storming into the kitchen to eat her way through an entire tray of leftover Stove Top Stuffing.
Spinderella |speen da rhel la|
noun
A girl with a reputation for lying, thus giving you “the spin.”
ALTERNATE: Spinderfella |speen da fel la|
A politically correct inclusion of the reverse gender slur that no one actually ever uses, but will make certain people feel better. Or at least less likely to sue.
Splashbox |‘splash bôcks|
noun
Bathroom.
ALTERNATE: Lungbox |lng bôcks|
noun
A splashbox people are known to smoke in.
Sploets |‘spah low etz|
noun
Guys who write haiku about the Super Bowl and odes to the ’27 Yankees.
Ex:
Joltin’ Joe hit the ball
And then ran so very fast
His team scored and then they
Won
Stanley Kubrick |coo brook|
person
Notoriously perfectionist film director who made a handful of films that count among the greatest of all time. The Shining, in which an old hotel’s elevator doors repeatedly open to release thousands of gallons of blood, is essentially a series of indelibly frightening images some writers are relegated to carrying around for a lifetime as a result of having seen it at far too young an age. Poor Scatman Crothers gets it at the end. He could easily also have been named Catman Scrothers.
Stylish |‘st lish|
adjective
The opposite of its usual meaning, typically said with acid irony.
Take a Sniff |tek uh shniff|
verb
Leave quickly. Being told to leave.
Tear a New Clasp |tare ah nu klasp|
verb
To lay into someone verbally, or dress someone down.
Thank Bob |thuh anq bhap|
phrase
What you say when you want to lard some appreciation on a higher power, but realize it’s probably not something that’s important enough to bother the deity with. “Thank Bob, you remembered to bring the mayonnaise.”
ALTERNATE: “Oh my Bob!”
Tuned Up |twooned op|
verb
Given a beating.
Tunguska Event |ton gus cah iv int|
noun
An explosion in Siberia in 1908 that knocked down 80 million trees over 2,200 square miles and is thought to have had five times the power of a thermonuclear bomb. While most scientists agree the blast came from a meteorite or comet, there are those who think the source was alien, with a Heavy Raider crash being the most frequently espoused theory. If that is the case, the blast is more than 74 percent likely to have been Cylon in nature.
Uddersuck |uh der sahk|
adjective—pejorative
Really, really bad.
The Velvet Underground |vev et un dah grund|
noun
The band for people who think every other band blows. These people are pretty much right. Hey, man, they had a female drummer in 1965.
Vines |vhines|
noun
Nice clothes.
A ridiculously sharp outfit.
Voltaire |volt air|
person
François-Marie Arouet (November 21, 1694–May 30, 1778). Quite possibly the coolest, funniest, most bad-arse French Enlightenment figure you’ve never heard of. The original crackstar. Seriously, everyone should have a Voltaire poster above his bed.
War Paint |whoor paynt|
noun
Makeup. Usually tending to be on the heavy side.
Where’s the Opera? |‘warez thuh hop rah|
phrase
What’s your hurry?
ALTERNATE: Who’s Singing Opera?|whoze cing ing hop rah|
phrase
What’s the big rush?
Whiskey Lick |whus kee lek|
noun
The state of being way too hot.
Why Can’t You People Understand What I’m Going Through? |y kent u pe ple un ne stan wha I gone throo|
phrase
After many, many years of study, like a demi-glace made from boiling down thousands of meat bones into a delicate spoonful of complimentary sauce, this sentence has been scientifically proven to be the single phrase in which the entirety of the awkward, mortifying, painful, hormonal, vain, transparent, overweight, undersexed, and ultimately ludicrously impossible experience that is human adolescence can be distilled.
Wilson Pickett |‘wul sen pek et|
person
Shake that thing. The man who put raw in raw. The man who put raspy in raspy. The man who put soul in soul. Stax of wax. Download him now.
Yalta |yahl tah|
place
Where Donna Summer, Bruce Willis, Stalin, and one of the Jonas Sisters met to decide the fate of modern Europe after World War II.
Zoot Suit |zute sute|
noun
High-waisted, tight-legged, pegged hipster vines that were the Members Only jackets of the 1940s. Seriously wide lapels and padded shoulders. Killer-diller drape s
hape with a watch chain dangling down like the hippest Pachuco around.
Zounds |za ow nahs|
noun
How Kurt Tarot says “sounds.”
Contents
WELCOME
SALT RIVER HIGH CLIQUE CHART
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
DEDICATION
CHAPTER 1: HOW DALTON CAME TO SCHOOL
CHAPTER 2: A BUCKET HALF EMPTY
CHAPTER 3: EYES LIKE BURNING FIRE. AS OPPOSED TO THE OTHER KIND.
CHAPTER 4: WHEREIN DALTON GOES TO THE SHOP FOR A MAJOR TUNE-UP
CHAPTER 5: YES, IT’S A FLASHBACK
CHAPTER 6: A SNOUT’S WORTH OF TLC
CHAPTER 7: BLOOD EUCLIDIAN
CHAPTER 8: SOMETIMES A SEXY NOTION
CHAPTER 9: BINGO BANGO BONGO. DESTINY.
CHAPTER 10: TWO HALF-BEEF PATTIES, NOT-SO-SPECIAL SAUCE
CHAPTER 11: KNEE-DEEP IN NURTURE, NATURE TAKES A WALK
CHAPTER 12: TWO EGGS, CRISPY BACON, AND A UNIT OF TURD SLURPING CEREAL
CHAPTER 13: ALL ALONG THE DONGTOWER
CHAPTER 14: THE MEETING AT YALTA
CHAPTER 15: SALT RIVER STEEL
CHAPTER 16: CAUGHT DEAD-HANDED
CHAPTER 17: CRACKSTAR NOIR
CHAPTER 18: MAMA, DON’T TAKE MY KODACHROME AWAY
CHAPTER 19: CLIQUE. CLICK. BANG.
CHAPTER 20: THE REVENANT
CHAPTER 21: FLASHBACK II: TIME IS FALLIBLE, HEROES LIVE OR DIE
CHAPTER 22: REVIVE ME HIGH
CHAPTER 23: KISS FIST, EAT FLOOR
CHAPTER 24: TERMS OF ESTRANGEMENT
CHAPTER 25: RIVER SHALLOW, MOUNTAIN LOW
CHAPTER 26: A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE
CHAPTER 27: REVIVE ME HIGH
CHAPTER 28: IF IT HADN’T BEEN FOR THE MEDDLING OF YOU DAMN SKIDS
CHAPTER 28 ½: WHAT, YOU’VE NEVER SEEN A FRENCH MOVIE BEFORE?
CHAPTER 29: I SENT THE MALCONTENT
CHAPTER 30: WILL THE REAL JETT RINK PLEASE STAND UP?
CHAPTER 31: KISS POINT BLANK
CHAPTER 32: WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE
A PREVIEW OF A KISS ME ONCE, KISS ME TWICE
HARVARD ADMISSIONS PROGRAM
SALT RIVER HIGH CLIQUE INDEX
THE GLOSSARY
COPYRIGHT
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2011 by Sean Beaudoin
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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Second e-book edition: February 2011
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ISBN 978-0-316-12222-1
You Killed Wesley Payne Page 29