by K. M. Raya
He rubbed the back of his neck. “He was touching you.”
“Of course he was touching me! I asked him to!” she yelled, throwing her hands in the air in frustration.
Soren stepped forward again, backing her into the wall. “You shouldn’t have,” he growled and she laughed. His eyebrows shot up.
“You have no right to dictate who does or does not touch me. You have chicks hanging off of you every time I turn my head and you come out here all Rambo—tackling a guy for kissing me? That’s insane, you know that right?”
She was hysterical now. This was getting out of control. He was acting like he was some kind of boyfriend. She was sick of this back and forth.
“Do you want to be with me?” she asked bluntly. “What is it you actually want from me because I’m at a loss here.”
He let out a long breath, hands still stroking over his short hair. “Fuck! I don’t know! I don’t want...I don't want to date you!” he yelled, and she flinched. She began to turn away, but he reached out and twirled her back around.
He was unsteady on his feet, but his face was stone cold serious. “This is coming out wrong… I don’t want a girlfriend. I don’t date, especially not on tour.”
“What am I supposed to do with that? You don’t want me, but you lose your shit when someone else wants me.” She looked into his deep eyes and pleaded with him. "I can't take this anymore, If it were anyone but you I'd have walked away at the start, but you drive me crazy!"
Soren was just as confused as she. She could see the indecision in his dark brown eyes. “I want you, Lilith. I want you more than I've ever wanted another woman in my entire existence… but we can’t be together.” He gestured back and forth between them. "I'll just hurt you and I wont be able to help myself...it's who I am."
Her chest was squeezing, and her stomach turned as he continued. “Can’t we just take it one day at a time? See where things go?” he pleaded. "I can't ignore what I feel, but I don't want to make you any promises."
She laughed in his face. “Take it one day at a time so I can watch you go home with a different girl every night like it's no big deal? Yeah, no thank you asshole.”
He growled again and blew out a long breath. “Goddamn it, I don't want anyone else! You’re infuriating!”
“Me?” she huffed. “You want a long-term booty call and I’m infuriating?”
Soren stepped closer, reaching out to the exposed area of her stomach and running a finger lightly over her skin. “Don’t you feel this?” he asked, and she hated that he was right. Something was happening between them.
“Yes… but it doesn’t mean we have to act on it. I need something more than what you're offering me, Soren. I need something real. I've had nothing but loss in my life and I don't think my heart can take any more. If you want to be with me...then be with me. Only me."
His lips skimmed hers and she didn’t pull away. She knew she should pull away. She could smell the alcohol on his breath.
“Kiss me, Lilith,” he whispered in a soft voice. She wanted to give in to him. She wanted to fold herself into him and stay there forever. She wanted him to wrap his strong arms around her and make all the bad go away, but she couldn't...not unless he could give her what she needed. She wasn't ready to open her heart to someone who would throw it away when he got bored.
His lips met her closed ones, but she refused to open up to him. She wouldn’t return it. She could tell that he was barely holding on and she needed to stop this.
19
Soren
Her lips were soft against his and he wanted nothing more than for her to give herself over to him. He'd kissed many women in his life, but never before had he felt this way. His stomach rolled with anticipation and his fingers were shaking. She made him nervous, which was a first. There was just something about Lilith Hayze that challenged him and everything he thought he'd figured out about his life.
He thought he would have been able to handle a friendship with her. Being near her brought him a sense of peace, but the moment he saw her leave with that asshole, he thought his head might actually explode. Panic had taken over him as he launched out of his seat by the bar. The others paid him no mind as he plowed through the crowd. All he could remember was the absolute need to get to her. The thoughts he was having were insane. The thought of her being with someone else was straight up agonizing. If that made him a hypocrite then so be it.
He watched her now as he trapped her against the brick building. They were in the same spot she'd just been in with that other man. He felt a sort of sick satisfaction at running him off and taking his place. He knew Lilith wasn’t the sort of woman to hop from man to man though. She looked confused and torn. She was hurting.
“Kiss me,” he repeated. He wasn’t going to kiss her first this time. Their time in the bathroom of that club was burned in his memory and he couldn’t shake it if he tried.
“No,” she whispered against his lips and he reluctantly smirked.
He ran his hands up her bare skin again and felt chills break out over the silky-smooth surface. He knew the way he affected her because it was exactly the same for him.
“I can’t be your friend, Lilith.” His voice was low and serious. He was telling the truth. He was beyond friendship and there was no going back for him. This was something deeper. Something cosmic.
Lilith raised her eyes from his lips and looked into his soul. At least that’s how it felt.
“We can’t do this, Sor.” His heart stuttered a little when she used his nickname. Warmth bloomed in his chest.
He raised a hand to run his fingers through her silky waves, marveling at the feel of it sifting through his fingers.
“Sure we can, look how easy it is.” he teased, and she smirked. But the smirk didn’t last. Her face fell back into a mask of worry just as quickly.
“You don’t understand… I can’t be this. I can’t do what you need me to do. Watching you with other women just won't work for me.” Her voice was shaky now. His heart hurt because he knew she wasn't understanding him when he said he wanted only her. He wanted her without the strings of a formal relationship and it wasn’t fair.
“How will you know if you don’t even give it a chance? We don’t have to get married, Lil, lets just do what our bodies are telling us to do. It doesn’t have to be any more or any less than that,” he whispered back as he gripped her a little tighter. He was afraid that she might pull away. He was being an asshole, he could feel it but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.
Her eyebrows drew together in a frown. He could feel her shutting down. He was doing this all wrong.
She shook her head and strained backwards. He didn’t hold her against her will, but he was making it a little harder for her to back away.
“See what I mean? You don’t actually want me… you want what I won’t give you but the second you get it…” She thought he would leave. Normally that would be exactly the case, but for the first time he truly didn’t know if it was true. The thought of leaving her...
Sighing, Soren let his head fall forward and leaned his forehead against hers. She let it happen and he thought he heard her sigh in relief.
“I can’t be your friend,” he repeated. The regret he felt in that moment was instant when he felt her whole body stiffen.
“Alright,” she said plainly, devoid of emotion. He knew he’d fucked up. He backed away from her, losing contact with her body and it made him feel hollow. Why can’t I just let myself be happy? He asked himself as he watched her. But he didn't want to hurt her. He didn't trust himself not to. Everything in him screamed to tell her how he really felt. To tell her that he saw her eyes when he closed his at night, that he heard her voice in his head when his mind was a jumbled mess. He wanted to tell her all of these things but the words wouldn't come out.
She wrapped her arms around her torso protectively and turned away. As she reached the door that would lead back into the club, she turned. Her eyes locked with his and t
here were so many things that he saw in them. So many possibilities that he wasn’t letting himself have. Regret wasn’t a strong enough word for what he was feeling.
She left the way they had come, leaving him in the alley way alone. He was always alone. He made sure of that with his every decision. He decided to not return to the club. He was tired and had no desire to pretend to be happy for the rest of the night.
He crossed the street and pulled his hood over his head to hide away from the paps that were now gathered out front. It was nothing short of a miracle that none of them had stumbled onto the scene back there with Lilith.
“Yo!” He heard in the distance. He stopped and waited for Miles to catch up.
The blue haired man loped out into the street, looking both ways before catching up with Soren.
“Leaving so soon, dude?” Miles asked as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit up, puffing smoke into the crisp night air.
Soren ran a hand over his short, trimmed beard that he hadn't had the energy to shave off. “Yeah, man, I’m over it tonight.”
Miles nodded. “Does this have anything to do with a certain brunette you’ve been panting after?” His friend smirked around his cigarette.
“I’m not panting over anyone,” he grumbled and continued down the street.
Footsteps echoed behind him as Miles caught up and kept pace. “It's okay if you are, Sor. She’s fucking beautiful.”
Soren’s head snapped around as he came to a dead stop, facing Miles.
“Don’t even fucking think about it,” he growled, and Miles smile only grew. Shit.
Miles held up his hands in an innocent way, but the smile remained on his face. “I didn’t say I was going to make a play for her, but dude...someone, someday will."
“Whatever,” mumbled Soren as they continued back to the busses. It was about a mile down the road, but he could use the time to clear his head.
“So…” His friend wasn’t much of a talker, but when he did, he was relentless.
“So nothing. Nothing's happening. I made sure of that,” Soren assured him.
Miles rolled his eyes. “Of course you did. Why do you do this to yourself? You play the part of the tortured rocker until something great comes along and you still won’t let yourself be happy.”
“That’s not true,” Soren defended himself, but he knew it was bullshit. He did do this to himself. “I just can’t do this to her. Besides, you and I both know tour romances never work out.”
“Bullshit,” Miles deadpanned and Soren ignored him. He was trying to make excuses for his actions and Miles wasn’t giving in.
“Why the fuck do you care anyways?” he asked.
Miles' face turned serious as he put out his cigarette beneath his boot. “Normally I wouldn’t give two shits about who you screw, Soren, but I see something different in you. These past few weeks, you've been different. More focused, more…. something.” Miles searched for the words. “Whatever it is has something to do with Lilith Hayze and I don’t want to see you lose that because you’re a dumbass who doesn’t know something good when it’s right in front of you.”
They reached their bus and ambled up the steps and into the warm room. Soren kicked off his boots and collapsed on to the plush loveseat. Miles fell into the armchair and stared at Soren unnervingly. He hated when he did this shit. He was a smart guy and Soren knew he should take his friends advice.
Miles spoke again before Soren could come up with more excuses. “All I’m saying is don’t take the possibility off the table okay? I know this lifestyle is fun and shit, but do you really think it’s going to last?” He gestured around to the luxury bus around them. “Another couple of years and we’ll be old news. You know it's true. Rock bands come and go and we have to be okay with that. Sooner rather than later, the girls will be gone and what will you be left with?”
Soren’s breath caught. Damnit, Miles was right. He was used to this life where things just happened around him. He was used to girls throwing themselves at his feet, but those things wouldn’t last forever. Eventually some other band, some other faces would take their place and the world would move on.
“Just think about it.”
“I’ll do that.” He tilted sideways, spreading out on the couch and throwing his arm over his tired eyes. “I'll do that...” he repeated, almost to himself. He didn’t look up but he knew Miles was watching him.
His friend cared about him a lot and it wasn’t until moments like these where he truly appreciated that. Some bands didn’t give a shit about one another. They were together because of the money and nothing more. But Serenity Rising wasn’t like that. They were brothers from start to finish and Soren wasn’t about to throw his brother's advice away. He wasn’t a stupid man and he was getting tired of pretending to be so.
20
Lilith
They were in Texas when things really began to take off. People on the streets had begun to recognize her and body guards had to be hired to protect her from the crazy ones. It was surreal hearing strangers call out her name in public. The knowledge that thousands, if not millions of people knew her without her knowing them in return was startling.
The venue this time was smaller than they were used to now. It was an old fashioned sort of music hall that smelled of mahogany and old music. They still had another day and a half before they were set to perform and it gave her a chance to sit down and focus on some new music she'd been working on. She wandered around the property until she found a lonely looking building and went in to explore. What she found was an old theatre.
There was a grand piano in the center of the audience. The room was broken up into two halves, making room for the piano to be in the center of the audience as if to really immerse them in the music around them. The music hall was broken up into multiple old buildings and this one was located behind the busses, set a bit off course with the rest of the property. The theatre was old school, with thick red velvet curtains which draped to the scuffed black stage. Rows of red seats were spread out in ten rows of twenty. Above her there were balconies which overlooked the auditorium. The room smelled of old cigar smoke and dust and for some reason it brought her comfort.
The days had been passing in such a blur that she had began to feel overwhelmed with the whirlwind around her. It was refreshing to remove herself from it all, even if it took sneaking off by herself to do it. She approached the piano with caution, almost as if she were an intruder on some sacred ground. She hadn’t touched a piano, or even a keyboard since Rose died. It had been her sister’s thing. The way she felt for her guitar, as if it were an extension of her own body, was the way Rose felt for her piano.
Lilith sat at the stool and ran her hands over the rich wooden surface before she lifted the cover and folded it back to reveal a beautiful set of ivory keys. They were worn with time, but she just knew that they would play beautifully still. She longed to hear its tune reverberate through the most beautiful room she had ever seen. But a part of her was afraid. A small fraction of her soul was shattered the day she found her sister in that closet. It was as if the world dimmed a few shades darker. She was afraid of what this all meant for her.
Not for the first time she felt guilt roll over her in waves. She knew it was unfounded… that Rose would have wanted them to have all of this, but she couldn’t help but feel like she was betraying her twin. How could they live this life without her? Rose had been an integral part of what held them together regardless of her problems. She was the heart and soul of Hayzed 'n' Confuzed. She'd even been the one to come up with the name.
Tears leaked from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks as she thought about Rose. The sadness would probably never fade but she didn’t really want it to. If the sadness went away, she was afraid of what that might mean. Maybe that was why she was struggling so much when it came to Soren and his strange request.
Is it strange though? She asked herself. Maybe it would be healthier for her to have a simple fling for onc
e in her life. She didn’t think she was ready for a relationship yet. It wouldn’t be fair to the other person, right? How could she give somebody her everything when she barely had enough to give herself? Soren didn’t want a relationship. But she was lying to herself. What she felt for him went much, much deeper. They hadn't known eachother for long, but she felt like she did. Listening to his music for five years gave her a deeper understanding of him in a way only a musician could pick up on.
The more she thought about it, the better the prospect was looking. He was a beautiful man with a beautiful energy. Sure, he was a little promiscuous, but that was to be expected of a rockstar of his caliber. She needed to stop being so judgmental about things like this. Who was she anyways, to expect him to just drop his lifestyle because she felt threatened? Who was she to tell him how to live his life? She was beginning to realize that she was the one in the wrong here and it added even more guilt onto her already heavy shoulders. In truth, she just wanted him. She needed him in a way she couldn't even come to terms with.
Without really realizing it, her fingers were lightly tapping away at the keys. The sound rang out in the room with heavy, low tones and vibrated all around her. She stretched her fingers, moving them along without rhyme or reason. The song she created was not one that existed on paper. It was a song that came from her heart and spilled out of her without reservation. Tears were still streaming down her face as she played, but in her mind, she pictured Rose. She could almost feel her twin next to her, guiding her fingers, telling her which combinations would create which feeling. She could almost hear her sister humming in her ear and soon, her fingers were coasting along faster and faster.
The song morphed into something haunting and altogether mournful. She was sobbing now, and she could no longer control it. She'd bottled up her emotions for so long now and it was beginning to ache. The hole in her heart wanted to be filled but she did nothing but reject anything that tried to fill it. She lived her life one self sabotage to the next.