Yes, I’d thought, my eyes prickling but glancing at the picture of Nick and me again. Yes, I do know.
* * *
While we officially deemed Charlie’s “concussion” fake news, the second tidbit was nothing but the truth—a confirmation of a rumor that had circulated Saturday night. “Holy crap,” Nina said in the middle of Crazy Rich Asians. “Guess what Val texted me.”
Reese hit pause. “Do tell.”
“She says she heard some sophomore saw Emma Brisbane tonight.” She paused. “In Mortimer’s common room with Nick Carmichael.”
My stomach sank, a string of words spilling out: “That means nothing.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure…” Nina tapped a text back to Val, then smiled. “Because apparently this junior saw them later, walking toward…”
Not the sixth hole, I prayed. Please not the sixth hole. Nick wouldn’t do that; he wouldn’t point out constellations to Emma. Granted, it was way too cold for the golf course, but I couldn’t think clearly. Something was snaking around and strangling my heart.
“Sounds like Val was right,” Jennie said. “This must be their year.”
“Well, I won’t believe it until I see it,” Reese replied, and resumed the movie—but now, in Addison, we were seeing it. Cody Smith whistled from the boys’ hockey table when Nick and Emma walked into the dining hall, hand in hand. He half-smiled and ducked his head, not wanting the attention, while Emma absolutely beamed, loving it.
Nina nudged me. “Pay up,” she said. “Twenty bucks, remember?”
I suppressed a sigh. Nina had been so thrilled about the possibility of Nick and Emma that I’d impulsively made a bet with her that it was bullshit. I begrudgingly nodded. “I’ll Venmo you later.”
She laughed. “Can’t wait to see your caption.”
“Yeah, it’ll be a winner,” I mumbled, the line He’s my husband flashing through my mind. Another quote from Sweet Home Alabama. My stomach twisted.
Jack pretend-pounded the table. “Well, all right then,” he said. “Now that Nick and Emma are sorted, let’s talk about the real deal.” He gestured to Charlie and me. “We’ve been passing the popcorn back and forth for long enough, don’t you think?”
The flock went silent.
Had Jack really just asked that?
Charlie and I looked at each other. His jaw wasn’t tight, exactly, but still clenched, and there was a flash of fear in his eyes. I wondered what he saw in mine. A quaver, probably.
Because I was fighting tears.
Our friends stayed quiet. Either waiting for the usual brush-off, or for us to finally profess our love for each other. I do love him! I thought about saying, to settle this for once and for all. Just not like that!
“You know, Jack,” Luke suddenly piped up. “I bet that popcorn’s pretty stale by now.” He swiped into his phone, shrugging casually. “Might be time to toss it.”
* * *
Luke and I slid into our usual Pandora’s booth around 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday. We’d fallen into a routine of doing homework here after dinner, just the two of us.
“I saw you at practice today,” he said as we unloaded our heavy backpacks, books banging onto the table. “You were killing it.” He and I were both doing indoor track this term, but while Luke ran long distance, my specialty was pole-vaulting. It was the ultimate rush.
“I know,” I said. “I didn’t knock the pole once.”
I expected Luke to raise an eyebrow at my outward confidence, since that was Charlie’s style, not mine. But instead, he cocked his head and said, “I’m guessing you had some rage to release?”
“You guess right.”
He stretched his hand across the table, and I took it, squeezing as hard as I could. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I would’ve told you earlier, but we haven’t been alone.” He paused. “I take it I’m the only one who knows?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I mean, Charlie knows, but…” I shook my head, as if to shake my fight with him away. He’d fall fast and hard, and shatter the second you decided things had run their course… He hadn’t apologized, and I honestly didn’t think he would. Maybe he’d forgotten it altogether, or he didn’t regret a single word. Not that I could completely blame him. I’d said, straight up, that I wasn’t looking for a real relationship until I was older.
But that was before Nick happened, before I fell in love with Nick. It was so ironic—Charlie thought I’d shatter his twin’s heart, but Nick had shattered mine.
The barista called our names a second later. Our drinks were ready.
I volunteered to grab them, but when I got back to the table, Luke wasn’t alone. Tristan Andrews and his sky-high hair—styled to look like a shark fin, I thought—stood there talking to him. “I’m so happy I ran into you,” he was saying. “Did you have a good Thanksgiving?”
“Yes, it was great,” Luke responded. “How about you?”
“Oh, me too. Really good to be home.” He laughed. “But good to be back too.”
Luke nodded and retrieved the pencil that he’d tucked behind his ear, a polite dismissal. Time to resume my reading.
Although I knew their conversation wasn’t over yet. “I’m happy I ran into you,” Tristan repeated. “Because, I’ve been wondering…” He reached to fix his hair. “If you wanted to go out sometime?”
“Oh.” Luke put down his pencil and stared at it for a second, as if to collect his words. “That’s really nice, Tristan, but…” He blushed. “I kind of have someone…”
“You kind of have someone?” I asked once Tristan awkwardly shuffled off (especially after discovering I’d overheard the whole thing). “Luke!”
“What?” He sipped his coffee. “I do have someone.” His lips quirked up in a smile. “And he’s not half-bad looking.”
I laughed. “I know, but…” I tried not to wince, worried the next part wouldn’t come out right. “Are you, um, allowed to say stuff like that?”
Luke’s eyebrows knitted together. “Allowed?”
My stomach stirred. Yes, I’d said the wrong thing.
“Sorry, no,” I fumbled. “I meant that I thought you guys were a secret. That’s what Charlie told me. I guess…” I hesitated. “I’m just wondering.”
“Well, yes,” Luke said. “We agreed to keep things quiet—he wants to, and I understand. But it’s only for right now, until he’s ready.” He shrugged. “But I’m me, and everyone knows it, so if people ask, I’m not going to lie about having a boyfriend.” His voice dropped. “Because as we both know, keeping secrets doesn’t lead to anything good.”
My heart lurched.
“I’m sorry, Sage,” he said. “As your friend, I want to keep things real with you.” He looked at me dead-on. “Charlie claims you’re powered by sunshine, but ever since Nick ended things, it’s looked like you’ve lost your light…”
My voice cracked. “Don’t, Luke. Please.”
“Was it really worth it?” he asked. “Pretending it wasn’t real? Just because your parents got divorced doesn’t mean it’ll happen to you. Mine met when they were eighteen—”
“Luke, stop,” I said. “Please stop.”
Luke’s face reddened. “Okay, sorry,” he murmured. “Too far, I’m sorry.”
I nodded, my cheeks heated too.
We returned to our homework.
I looked up from my English reading an hour later, and immediately regretted it. Emma and Nick were at the counter, both bundled up in their hockey team jackets. “Jesus Christ,” I muttered. “Are they fucking following me?”
A ridiculous question, since Emma was even more of a Pandora’s regular than I was. She woke up super early and came here to study every morning. Charlie and I usually saw her when we ran. “Hey, Emma!” a barista shouted now.
“Let’s leave,” Luke suggested as
she ordered hot chocolates for both of them, with plenty of whipped cream.
He likes marshmallows better, I thought. And then he sprinkles bits of graham cracker on top. “A winter s’more,” he calls it. He invented it in my kitchen when we were nine.
Did he tell you that, Emma?
“Sage?” Luke asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “No, let’s stay. I’m fine.” A lump formed in my throat. “I have to be fine.”
“Okay,” Luke said, but spoke again when I uncapped my highlighter. “You know I’m here,” he whispered. “I’m always here if you can’t be.”
I nodded and forced myself to continue my chapter, but it was impossible to fully focus. Every couple of seconds my gaze would stray to Nick, sipping his hot chocolate with his new girlfriend at the front window’s tiny table. Does he feel it? I wondered. Does he feel me here?
Our booth was so big that neither of them had so much as glanced in our direction. But a minute later, when Emma excused herself to grab some napkins, I literally jolted to my feet. “I’m going to say hey to Nick,” I announced, my voice a squeak. It was like a magnet was pulling me to him.
Luke’s look was shaky, but he gave me a thumbs-up.
So I crossed the café, Nick’s and my eyes locking after I almost tripped over a random chair. “Hi,” I said, trying to play things cool. My pulse pounded. “How’s the hot chocolate?”
“Oh, hey,” he replied. “Pretty good.” He studied his mug. “It could be thicker, but good overall.”
I felt a flutter of confidence. Nick always said the best hot chocolate was thick and creamy, like liquid velvet. “No marshmallows, though,” I commented.
Nick ignored that. “What’re you doing here?” he asked.
“Homework,” I said. “Luke and I like to study here…” I gestured to our booth, where the only sign of Luke was the brim of his baseball cap. “Anyway…” I plastered on a smile. “I wondered if you wanted to go for a grind tomorrow? Take Ace and Stinger to one of the cross-country trails?”
Say yes, I thought, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other. Say yes, so I know we’re still something, that there’s something between us.
But Nick shook his head. “Sorry,” he said as I heard the click-clack of boots behind me. “Emma and I are going—”
“Hey, Sage!” Emma said brightly, my stomach knotting when I turned to see her ever-present smile. She reached to touch my white knitted scarf. “I love this!”
“Thanks.” I tried to smile back. “My mom made it.”
“It’s really cute,” she said, then slipped past me to rejoin Nick at their table. I watched her kiss his cheek before snuggling into his side. The corners of my eyes began to sting.
Leave, I thought, but the connection between my mind and legs had been severed.
Nick coughed. “Another time, Sage?” he asked. “Maybe?”
“Okay, yeah.” I nodded, blinking tears away. “Maybe another time.”
* * *
Like the mind reader he was, Luke had our backpacks ready to go by the time I made it back to our booth. We wordlessly shrugged them on, then escaped into the night. Neither of us spoke until we stopped at the end of the block, waiting to cross the street. Luke pulled me into his arms, and I cried into his shoulder.
* * *
Charlie suggested we go to the movies on Saturday. “Just us?” I asked, and was met with a beat of hesitation.
“Well, no,” he said. “Luke too.”
I nodded. “Sure, of course. What’re we seeing?”
Now, we stood in the lobby waiting for Luke. Meet you there, he’d texted us. I’m carrying the team on this group project and can’t leave. It’ll go to shit.
“I never noticed it before,” I said, “but Luke’s kinda cocky.”
Charlie gave me a look. “You’re just figuring that out?” He smiled to himself. “I love it.”
I rolled my eyes. “You would.”
Grinning, he shrugged, and then we fell into a comfortable silence. I started thinking about Emma stopping by our table at dinner tonight, annoyingly nice as always. “No concussion?” she asked Charlie.
“Nope.” He shook his head. “All clear.” After catching wind of his joke, the hockey coaches weren’t taking any chances, dragging him to the infirmary for testing. The boys played Ames next weekend, and nobody wanted Charlie sidelined.
It was strange when Charlie broke the silence by saying, “So Nick and Emma, huh?”
My heart stilled. Neither of us had mentioned them yet, and I’d hoped it would stay that way. Luke was the only one I wanted to talk to about them, the only one I wanted to cry to about them. But here Charlie was, bringing it up. “Yes,” I heard myself whisper. “Nick and Emma.”
Charlie moved close. “I’m sorry, Sage,” he said. “The things I said…” He shook his head. “I was a total asshole. I just…” He trailed off. “He’s my brother. He’s the best of us.”
“Yeah, he is.” I nodded, eyes prickling. But I mustered up a smile. “No offense.”
Charlie laughed and wrapped me in a hug. “I love you, Sage.”
I hugged him back. “I love you too, Charlie.”
“Hey, that’s a good-looking hat!” someone called to us, and I turned to see Luke with his signature smirk on full display.
Charlie reached up to touch the brim of his faded blue baseball cap. “Thanks,” he said. “I didn’t think hats were my sort of thing, but this one’s pretty cool.”
“Where’d you get it?” Luke asked, closing the final steps between us. He and Charlie made no moves to embrace each other.
But of course they wouldn’t, I thought. We’re in public.
“Actually, I’m not sure,” Charlie said. “Someone gave it to me.”
“More like you stole it from someone.”
“Hey—”
“But either way,” Luke continued, “that someone has cool taste.”
Charlie smiled. “The coolest.”
Luke smiled back and reached out to squeeze Charlie’s arm. But he snatched his hand away when Charlie recoiled. “Oh, um, sorry…”
“No, don’t be,” Charlie murmured. “Just, um, look.”
Luke and I followed his gaze to find Reese and Jennie getting their tickets scanned. Jennie waved when she spotted us. I glanced back at the boys: Charlie was staring at the ground, and Luke…looked bummed.
“How did they know we were coming?” he whispered as Charlie took two giant steps away from him. “I thought they were ice skating.”
“Yeah, me too…” I agreed. Sometimes in the winter, the rink was kept open late for student skates. Reese and Jack had done a head count this morning so they knew how many pairs of skates to rent, and I’d said I didn’t need one…
“Oh, crap,” I said to the boys, “I might’ve mentioned we were going to the movies.” I looked at them. “I’m sorry.”
Before they could respond, Jennie bounced over, Reese on her tail. “Hey, guys!”
“Why aren’t you at the rink?” Charlie asked.
“Too crowded,” Jennie answered. “Way too crowded.”
“And Jack can’t stay on his own two feet,” Reese added, waving a hand. “I left him in Paddy’s care.”
The three of us nodded.
“Well,” Charlie said, “should we head in, then?”
* * *
Halfway through the movie, I noticed Charlie was no longer watching it. He was watching Luke watch the movie, and when we accidentally made eye contact, he gave me a sheepish smile.
I smiled back, but gestured that I needed to go to the bathroom. Reese and Jennie didn’t see me leave, too preoccupied with Chris Hemsworth shirtless on-screen.
After washing and drying my hands, I didn’t go back in right away. Instead, I sat on a bench outside the t
heater and swiped into my phone, pulling up Instagram. Nina had posted a story of the student skate. There was music and chatter in the background. “One foot in front of the other,” Paddy was saying as Jack clung to him with both arms, shaking in his skates. “There, there, you got it, dude…”
Then the video panned around the packed rink; Reese and Jennie had been right, it was super crowded. There was Val and the soccer girls, and Dove with her junior friends. But it wasn’t until Nina zoomed in on two certain people that I shifted in my seat.
Nick and Emma.
They were holding hands and laughing, Emma wearing his hockey jacket. “Stop showing off, Nick!” someone shouted as he spun her around. “We get it! You’ve got it all!”
You’ve got it all.
I quickly locked my phone and slipped back into the theater, taking the stairs two at a time. Charlie was no longer gazing at Luke, but now they both had a leg stretched out, feet subtly mingling with each other. I nearly tripped over them.
“Shit,” Charlie breathed. “Sage—”
Cheeks flaming, I waved him off and stumbled into my seat, Luke’s Wednesday words now haunting me all over again: Was it really worth it? Pretending it wasn’t real?
No, it hadn’t been worth it. Someday, I’d been telling myself for so long, but maybe someday was sooner than I’d always imagined. I closed my eyes, remembering Nick and me intertwined together on the golf course that final night, so happy before Charlie’s distress call.
But it doesn’t matter, I thought. It didn’t matter, because I was still trapped between the twins. I wouldn’t betray Charlie in order to change Nick’s mind. I wouldn’t, couldn’t. It was Charlie’s truth to tell.
It’s up to him, I realized. It’s up to Charlie to decide how soon someday comes.
And I had no choice but to wait.
Wait, and watch Nick and Emma together.
Chapter 22
Charlie
Mom and Dad didn’t come to every hockey game, but they always drove down for the weekend matchups and took a bunch of us to dinner at Bistro afterward. “I made a reservation for ten,” Mom told me on Friday. “But maybe we should change it to eleven? In case you want to invite anyone else…?”
If We Were Us Page 17