by Bennett Cerf
By this time you have no doubt studied the November report. In my opinion it is almost incredible. If this were only 1911, before income taxes went into effect, I’d point out to you that you would now be a rich young man, Captain Klopfer. As it is, I wouldn’t give you credit for a damaged copy of the Public Papers of Woodrow Wilson.
I am sure Bob has told you about the 10% cut in paper. This isn’t very serious, but the Council feels that this is only a starter, and that the pinch will really hit us in three or four months. Well, cancer shmancer, as long as Jezebel still has her fanny.
Write soon.
Love and kisses,
Bennett
January 29, 1943
Dear Klopf:
Under my careful guidance you are turning into something of a humorist. There were roars of laughter throughout the establishment when we heard of your new occupation. It will add to your pleasure to know that you spoiled my lunch hour. I have been trying in vain to figure out some way I can use your story in Trade Winds, but this time I am afraid I will have to give up. To get even with you, I am enclosing a picture of the Immortal Sergeant. Add this to any part of the inventory you see fit.
…
We are still dithering around with the Tokyo manuscript. All kinds of pressure is being brought to bear in Washington, not only from Collier’s and ourselves, but from the O.W.I., which seems to be solidly on our side. Between ourselves, the whole O.W.I. seems to have about as much to say in Washington as the aforementioned Oppenbopper once did at Viking. Some day Elmer Davis is going to throw that job in some fuehrer’s face!
Business continues to be fantastic. Yesterday’s total included over 1600 GUADALCANAL, over 700 CHINA, and over 500 SUEZ. The specter that hangs over our heads is paper rationing. Malcolm Johnson swears that there will be a 40% cut before the year is over. Even discounting that by 50%, you can see that we’ll be in a hell of a jam. I spent yesterday up in Pleasantville at the Reader’s Digest plant, and maybe you think they are not worried. Their circulation jumped a cool three million last year to the unbelievable total of 9,200,000. They don’t know what the hell to do now.
Speaking of post exchanges, Paul Sampliner is now a Captain and his job will be travelling around from one exchange to another checking on stock and all that sort of thing. I wouldn’t wish a job like that on John Macrae Jr!
Have you ever thought of going to Africa instead of Peyrouten? If not, for Christ sake stop diddling around there in California and come back to Random House. We need you like all get out.
Love to you and Pat, Bennett
…
P.S. We are taking Herbert Wise and Nell Farnol to the opening of the Kingsley play tonight. It should be quite an evening, what with one thing and another!
February 1, 1943
Dear Bennett:
I just got back from spending Sunday up at Edgar Selwyn’s, and found out to my surprise that Metro had the manuscript of Thirty Seconds over Tokyo and had made synopses for all of their producers, as is their wont. Since I know you had some copies struck off for the BOMC and then decided it would be stupid to circulate it widely, and I think that is a very wise decision, I’d still like a copy to show to the C.O. out here. It would be stamped Confidential and will be treated as an Army confidential document. As such, we cannot possibly get into trouble because, after all, that’s exactly how all of the intelligence reports of a similar nature are classified.
I only hope that we are not getting the run-around on this manuscript. I take it that King Features must have sent it out to Metro and probably to all the other studios. Now that his NIBS is back in Washington, maybe you will be able to take some action on this book. All of the details are gradually coming out. It doesn’t make sense for them not to allow it to be published.
Pat got here last Wednesday and is returning to New York on Friday. She looks and acts fine, but I think it makes sense for her to go back and get a final clean-up before she comes out here permanently.
The November figures are really fantastic. I am very curious to see the December ones. What was our volume in January, and how is Guadalcanal Diary selling? Any chance of getting a set of proofs on the Red Lewis book?
We continue to wade around in a sea of mud but manage to keep busy. The war news certainly looks good, but I still think that our bet is a cinch for me. I miss all of you big business executives like the very devil. Give my love to the office.
As always,
Donald
February 18, 1943
Dear Don:
I have been hoping that you would call me one of these nights so I could explain the TOKYO business to you in detail.
Meanwhile, let me explain that I have given my word of honor to Col. Fitzgerald in General Searles’ office in Washington that not a copy of the manuscript will leave the Random House safe. They were sore as hell when they heard that we had let the judges of the Book of the Month Club read this script, and this was the only way I could make my peace with them. I am sure I don’t have to explain to you that there was a darn good reason why I didn’t send a copy of the manuscript out to you.
…
GUADALCANAL is almost up to 40,000 and Quent Reynolds’ book looks like another runaway.
And if I don’t get away soon I will probably bite somebody’s head off (probably Jezebel’s).
Please call us as soon as you are able to.
As ever,
Bennett
May 11, 1943
Dear Don:
I got the first word of your transfer to Idaho on Monday morning in one of Jezebel’s characteristically unintelligible communiques. I immediately called New York in the hope of talking to you before you left, and found that you were already on your way. I am sorry I missed you but, judging by your letters to me and Bob, you are just about set for what you’ve been dreaming about, and if you don’t think I envy you from the bottom of my heart, you’re nuts.
Thrup and I got just what we wanted in Florida. We were located in a little dump about two blocks north of that monstrous old Hollywood Beach Hotel, now populated by about 10,000 sailors. We spent practically the entire day lying on the beach and along toward the end of our stay, I played a little ninth rate tennis with the local minister, who was just about good enough to keep me moving around the court, and who tst tsted every time I yelled “God damn.” I really feel fine now and I am darn glad I went.
There is nothing new to report around the office except the trifling matter of an order for juvenile flats from Woolworth’s that totals about $300,000. We are going into a huddle with Duplaix tomorrow about where in heck the books are going to come from. Then we’ll frame the order and hang it alongside that Macy Modern Library document in the can.
Galleys have already been sent to you on the Tokyo book. Despite the fact that there has been so much about the raid in Life and all the newspapers, I still think that this book may blow the roof off and make a new top for Random House. With all the best sellers we have had this year we still haven’t hit that magic $100,000 mark, which we simply must get to if Jezebel is to wear the clothes that she thinks she is entitled to.
Red Lewis was at the house last night on the eve of his departure for Minnesota. Harry [Scherman of BOMC] and Bernadine came over too. They scarcely knew Red, but it was a case of love at first sight when one of Red’s impersonations made Harry actually cry with laughter. Lewis was ready to marry him on the spot. We couldn’t get them out of the house. Tonight we are having Peg Byrnes for dinner. (George is off in Texas somewhere.) That’s about the extent of our social life for the week. Saturday we are going to Alicia’s, where we’ll probably get into another fight [with Captain Patterson] about the God damn Daily News.
…
My love to Pat. Please write all details of your new assignment. I needn’t tell you how deeply interested I am in knowing exactly what you are up to.
My love,
Bennett
May 14, 1943
CAPTAIN DONALD KLOPFER
/>
382nd BOMBARDMENT GROUP
POCATELLO, IDAHO
BOOK CLUB JUST CHOSE TOKYO AS PART OF DUAL
SELECTION FOR AUGUST. LOVE.
BENNETT
May 17, 1943
Dear Don:
Thanks for your note about your reason for not phoning me. I wasn’t exactly hurt, since I realized that you were probably running around like a chicken without a head. Put it rather that I was disappointed that I didn’t speak to you before you left for Idaho—and then forget it.
You can imagine how delighted all of us were to have Tokyo picked by the Book Club. It goes out as a dual with something called THE ORIGIN OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, which doesn’t sound too hot to me but, on the other hand, WINTER’S TALES goes out with COMBINED OPERATIONS, so the luck sort of evens up. I must reluctantly admit that Colonel Haas did one hell of a job in retrieving Tokyo after it was practically turned down for good at the last meeting. Coming on top of his efforts in behalf of WINTER’S TALES, it seems to me that the exploit called for official recognition and, with your permission, I am putting a gold star on his report card next month. Wire if you have any objections to this.
Your telegram announcing that it snowed yesterday is startling. How much flying are you actually doing yourself? And is it as much fun as you anticipated? Give with the details, Klopfer!
We had a wonderful weekend down at Alicia’s with only one fight over the Patterson family. George Abbott was there, and so was George Backer, the latter just back from the Refugee Conference in Bermuda. I gathered from his guarded remarks that it was mostly talk down there, and that nothing very constructive was done for the poor old Yids. The highlight of the day came when Mrs. Bennett A. Cerf hung up a score of 189 at the bowling alley. She had six strikes—four of them in a row—and was so excited she couldn’t talk for an hour. Her name will go up on the wall as the lady champion of Falais. Harry is being given command of a field of his own at Trenton and moves down there about June 1st.
…
That’s about all at the moment. I am enclosing herewith Collier’s ad that ran on the first installment of Tokyo.
My love to you and Pat.
As ever,
Bennett
…
May 22, 1943
Dear Bennett—
Thanks for your note. I’m sure that Bob did a real job with the BOMC on the Tokyo book and I’m sure we’ll sell a helluva lot of them. By the way, I see the Jessel book is out! How about sending me a copy?
As far as flying is concerned I can fly as much as I please but I refuse to fly with anything less than a pilot instructor. These crazy kids don’t know what the hell it’s all about and when they start to take up 18 tons and 4000 h.p. it aint safe! That’s a lot of airplane to crash up and I have very little desire to bail out! As soon as my work becomes better regimented I intend to fly a few missions, but I promise you I’ll be in the lead ship with an experienced pilot. We’ve lost three ships since I’ve been here and it’s not the fault of the B24! I’m waiting for the big boss to come thru’ any day now and find out what the score really is. I’ll probably have to go down to Orlando to a month of school before I’m assigned to the outfit with which I’ll go overseas. I must admit that I am so sick of training outfits that I shudder at the thought of more months of it—but the whole thing makes sense. I guess the trouble is that Combat Intelligence officers don’t get killed quickly enough!
This letter should get to you on your birthday. Congratulations and best wishes on your 45th. I wish I could be with you to celebrate—but we never seem to get together on your birthday. Be good. My love to Thrup and the gang.
As always
Donald
Note: During World War II there was a serious shortage of paper.
May 28, 1943
Dear Don:
This is just to tell you that we fixed up an agreement yesterday designed to net us additional paper for between 400,000 and 500,000 flats [juvenile books]. It was worked with a guy named J.A. Richards, president of J.A. Richards, Inc., publishers, Minneapolis. We have made a contract with him whereby he will be the publisher of said flats, Whitman will be the manufacturing agents, and we will be distributors. There is 110 tons of paper involved and the fee we are paying Richards for “supervision” is $13,200.00, or at the rate of 8¢ for every pound of paper used.
The next step will be a contract between Whitman and ourselves, the basis of which will be that Whitman will credit us as books are produced with 3¢ for each pound of paper used until one-half the $13,200.00 has been reached. Some of these books will presumably have to be manufactured outside Whitman’s regular string of plants and such books would cost more than they normally would. We in turn will agree to split that extra cost with Whitman. If, of course, it would seem that certain books will cost more than either of us could afford, then we just won’t make those. It is a complicated deal all around but, according to our two lawyers, will stand the complete scrutiny of the WPB, and I have just tried to give you the highlights.
Smith and Durrell are apparently on the rocks, and we are looking into the possibility of taking them over. They have assets including a written-down inventory of about $23,000.00, and liabilities, mostly accounts payable, of about the same. They want $28,000.00 for the business, they to assume the liabilities. The potential advantages, from our point of view, are, in the first place, that they have lost $24,000.00 during the last two years and, while they only subscribed to capital stock to the extent of $11,000.00, they have put in, in the form of loans, some $55,000.00. There is something in all this which can almost surely be applied to our own tax benefit. Podoll and Lasser are thrashing it out now. Furthermore, they are still entitled to process about 35 tons of paper in 1943, which makes a sweet sound in my ears. Well, we’ll see. Needless to say, Hal is not to be thrown in. On the contrary. That also goes for Durrell.
There are a few more possibilities in the offing, but these are the hot ones.
I enclose a full-page ad from the SRL on WINTER’S TALES. It is the basic ad of our campaign and has run in the Times, and will in the Trib. The book hasn’t really gotten away heavily yet, but I think it will.
With all the best to you,
Yours,
Bennett
1943 JUN 13 PM 10 07
20 EAST 57 ST NYK=
AM ON TRIP PRETTY FAR FROM HOME AND POCATELLO BACK TOMORROW BET LEW HAS NEVER SOLD THIS TOWN LOVE=
DONALD.
June 15, 1943
Dear Don:
All of us were surprised to get your wire from Gulfport Field, Miss. Why in hell didn’t you steer that old crate up to La-Guardia and drop in to dinner on your way back?
I hope that a copy of THIRTY SECONDS OVER TOKYO was waiting for you by the time you got back to Pocatello. It looks a little bit nebish at first glance, but once the public gets used to the smaller sized book, I think they’ll take it without a murmur. Considine is delighted with it. We all met at a cocktail party that Harry Maule gave for Jimmy Sheean on Friday, and then saw Dick Tregaskis off on a clipper for Ireland. He expects to be in on the invasion, and maybe we’ll get another book out of him just as successful as Guadalcanal. Both Tregaskis and Considine are wonderful guys, and our whole relationship with both of them has been an unalloyed pleasure.
Business continues on a very even keel. We are all just hanging around holding our breaths for Tokyo to get away from the barrier. Your old pal Adolph Kroch was just in oozing friendship from every pore. He left us an order for 3000 Modern Library books.
Our social life is practically non-existent. We were down at the Schermans for the weekend, and are scheduled to go to George and Beatrice’s [Kaufman] this next one, although I am going to get out of it if I can. These weekends this year are a God damn nuisance. The trains are hot and crowded for one thing, and the fact that you can’t drive anywhere once you get to a place is another. My own idea of heaven is to lie around in my bathing trunks in our own back yard and get under the spr
ay when it is hot. The unfortunate thing is that people just don’t seem to understand this point of view, and get very hurt when we turn down their undoubtedly well-meant invitations. Beatrice, for instance, is going to be a problem. She acted a little bit miffy when I suggested that I’d be a hell of a lot happier having dinner with them one evening in town.
Bob has been very wonderful during the last week and has won the undying devotion of everybody at Random House. That’s about all I have to tell you except to repeat that I wish this God damn war was over, and that you were back here at Random House.
My love,
Bennett
June 16, 1943
Dear Bennett:
I couldn’t resist sending you a telegram from Gulfport Miss. as it seemed so silly for me to be there. I decided to go on a planning mission for an overwater flight so Saturday morning at seven o’clock seven officers and two enlisted men set off for Gulfport in a B24E, as good a plane as there is but as uncomfortable as possible. There are so many guns and turrets and bombing devices that you bump your head every time you move. We flew at 20000’ with oxygen smack over the Rockies past Denver and then came down to about 9000’ and rode right in to Gulfport, arriving there at three in the afternoon with 700 gallons of gas left in the tanks. It’s just short of 1600 miles, but we had no bombs so we could have gone on forever. Needless to say I was travelling with three good pilots so I wasn’t taking any chances. Stayed in Gulfport Sunday, made all of our arrangements to run flights down there and then over the Gulf and flew back Monday. I flew the plane for a half hour and the boys in the back were so sick from my weaving around that they begged for mercy and we were 14 miles off course! It’s like driving a damned Mack truck. Had lots of bad weather coming back, no visibility and snow storms thru’ the mountains but it cleared miraculously as we hit Pocatello so we were able to come in. It really was a lot of fun and I learnt an enormous amount about the plane. You can’t realize what four 1200 h.p. engines mean when they start turning over. The transports that we’re used to just haven’t half the power—but they have 1000 times the comfort. Now I’m thru’ with flying for a while. I got a concentrated dose of it!