“Not you.” I push him off and point at Deb. “Her.”
“Me?” Deb’s eyes widen and her lips twist into a grimace. “Oh, hell no.”
“Deb’s squeamish when it comes to pussy. I’ll do it.”
“Zed, I’ve already let two members of this band see my vagina. I think that’s more than enough, don’t you?”
“Zed gets to see your vagina too?” Ash says, coming up behind me.
“No. Zed is not seeing anything. Debbie, please? I know you’re not my number one fan or anything but please, I beg of you, from one female to another, please help me with this.”
“Ash, move the hell outta the way, would you?” Coop says, walking up behind Ash.
“Yeah, what’s the fucking hold up?” Levi says from behind him. “I’m starving.”
When Cooper sees me in a towel, his eyes bug out. “Ali-Cat. Looking a little underdressed, aren’t we, babe?”
“Jesus Christ, woman, if you’re propositioning Zed and Ash now, we’re going to have a problem,” Levi says.
“I’m not propositioning anyone.”
“I don’t understand why you didn’t just get that shit done before we left?” Deb says, sipping her coffee.
“What shit?” Coop asks.
“Nothing,” I say
Zed says, “Ali’s vagina is stuck together.”
At the same time, Deb says, “Red here had a little waxing accident.”
“No fucking way,” Levi says.
“Are you okay?” Coop asks, and I can tell he’s trying not to laugh. He’s trying and failing miserably because his lips keep jerking up in a stupid fucking grin before he schools them back into place.
“Fuck you all.”
“Sorry, vagina makes me gag,” Deb says.
I manage to squeeze past Ash but Coop isn’t quite so accommodating. He grabs the knot in my towel and yanks me against him. It isn’t difficult, because there’s next to no room between him and I anyway.
“You didn’t want me to help you with this little problem?”
“Hell no, I didn’t want to ask you.”
“She was trying to find me, right, Red?” Levi asks, but I just glare at him.
“Actually, I didn’t want either of you to see this so I just thought I’d seek out the only other female who might have been through this same sort of thing to help me, but obviously I was wrong.”
“Hell yes, you were wrong. I’ve never done anything that stupid,” Deb says, and Coop gives her a disappointed look. “I still don’t know why you didn’t sort the muff-scaping before we left.”
“Because I was living in my car with barely enough money to feed myself, Deb. Brazilian waxes weren’t really high on my list of priorities.”
“Oh shit, you attempted a Brazilian on your own?” Deb asks, and she’s laughing again. “On a tour bus?”
“Brazilian?” Levi whispers, and he’s doing that growly thing in the back of his throat that makes my vagina do cartwheels.
“So right now, you have wax—”
“Everywhere,” I confirm with a nod.
“Oh you’re so fucking screwed,” Deb says, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. “No one can help you with that. You’re just gonna have to drill a little hole to pee out of and wait until that shit wears off.”
“Thanks, Deb.”
“Wait, wait, wait, there has to be something we can do,” Coop says.
“Yeah,” Levi agrees. “I mean, it’s not like you’re not going to have sex ever again until it wears off. Like, surely there’s a way to melt it off. Coop, give me your lighter.”
“No,” I shout. “No one is taking a lighter to my vagina. I’m going to need someone to pull it off. I just can’t do it.”
“What kind of wax did you use?” Deb asks.
“I don’t know. Like an all-purpose waxing kit. I just grabbed it from the chemist when I picked up my birth control.”
“You could just cut it off,” Zed says, chowing down on another sandwich.
“You know what? It’s fine. I’ve got this,” I say, and I’m pulled back once more by Cooper’s hand on my towel. He’s managed to undo the entire thing, so if I were to move away now I’d be walking completely naked, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough humiliation for one day, so I stay put and give him a tired look.
“I can help you, if you want?”
“Hey, well if he’s in there helping, then I am too,” Levi says.
“Oh my god, can we please just for a second forget about your penises and concentrate on the fact that my vagina is stuck together? This is all your fucking fault. If you two hadn’t been so keen to ... have sex with me I would have been fine continuing to just risk my life in the shower with a sharp razor. Instead I wanted to look nice for you.”
“You were waxing your pussy for us?” Levi says, and ... is he getting misty-eyed? Jesus Christ.
“Well, I’m certainly not doing it for me. I can’t even see it without a hand mirror, so I don’t give a shit how it looks, but you two are getting all up close and personal and now my vagina is stuck together,” I whimper.
“Oh my god, if you stop talking about my brother getting up close and personal with your vag I will help you,” Deb says shrilly.
“You will?”
“If you stop talking.”
I lock my lips and throw away an imaginary key.
“Someone get me some fucking gloves. I’m about to go where no other woman has been before.”
“I don’t know, Deb. Red’s kind of adventurous,” Levi says. “How do you know she hasn’t been with a woman before?”
“I meant I’m going where my brother has been, and that thought alone makes me want to hurl. Not to mention, I get to stare at Red’s pussy while I rip the hair out by the roots. Awkward doesn’t begin to cover this.”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I whisper as she urges me forward.
“You owe me,” she says, as she squeezes past, heading into the back room instead of the bathroom. “And Coop owes me too.”
“Thanks, Sis,” he says, and he softly kisses my neck before he fixes my towel and allows me to pass.
I follow her into the room. She’s typing furiously on her phone, and then she looks up at me with an impatient glower. “Strip the fucking bed sheets. I’m not touching them. Gross.” Cooper strips the sheets from the bed and bundles them off to the side.
“Coop, give me your belt.”
“Um, is that necessary?” I ask, feeling more and more uncertain as the minutes wear on. Maybe I should just wait until it wears off. When you think about it, it would keep me from sleeping with the hot rockers again.
Coop removes his belt, handing it to Deb, who passes it to me. I clutch the hard black leather in my hands, not really knowing what the hell to do with it. “You’re gonna need to bite down on that.”
I stare at her, uncertain if she’s just trying to mess with me or not. It’s so hard to tell with Deb. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m really not,” she says, as she gestures for me to lie down. I give her brother a nervous glance, and he smiles at me as if he’s not just as terrified as I am that his sister might ruin my vagina. I climb on the bed and lie down, staring up at the ceiling and taking short, shallow breaths. Deb pries my legs apart with her gloved hands. “Jesus Christ, what did you do? Just dip the whole thing in like a toffee apple? Ash, get me a cold washer and get the hell in here. Coop, you can leave.”
“Wait, why the fuck is Ash staying?” Cooper asks.
“If Ash is staying, we’re staying,” Levi announces from the doorway. “He’s not doing her.”
“Neither of you are staying,” Deb says.
“I volunteer as tribute,” Zed says, poking his head into the room.
Ash pushes through the crowd of his band mates and hands Deb the washcloths. She tosses them on the couch and points to my head. “Go stand by her head. Hold her down if you need to.”
I laugh humourlessly. “
I’m not having a baby. It’s just a bit of wax. How much can it hurt?”
“Oh, naïve, Ali. Your vagina is covered in wax. Wax that is stuck to your skin and going to pull your pubic hair out by the roots.” She smiles. “It’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker. Now, lie back and think of England.”
No sooner does she say this than she grabs the corner of a strip of wax and rips it up. The pain. The searing pain that brings water to my eyes and pulls a scream from my throat. “MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Jesus Christ,” Coop says, and a glance at him shows his face twisted into a grimace. Levi peeks through his fingers and Zed watches on in open-mouthed horror. Ash presses a cold hand against my forehead and murmurs, “Breathe. You’re doing great, Ali. Just keep breathing.”
I should protest that everyone but James is up here, staring at my vagina while Coop’s sister rips the hair from it, but she grips another strip of wax and pulls ... and the pain. That god-awful pain is back again. And right now, it’s worse than ever.
“Son of a fucking bitch!” I scream, as she just keeps on ripping up the wax. “Holy fuck, I’m never ever having sex again.” I spot the boys across the room, their faces all twisted in grimaces of shock, and I narrow my gaze in on Coop and Levi. “This is all your fault. I fucking hate both of you.”
Several excruciatingly painful yanks later, Deb covers me with the soft cool washcloth, and the relief is so immense I could turn lesbian right this very second.
“Oh, thank you, thank you, oh god,” I whimper to Deb, who just rolls her eyes and removes the gloves that she’d pulled out of what we liked to refer to as the “fun” drawer. I don’t even want to know what was going through the mind of the person who put them there, but I’m thankful right now.
“Next time you need a wax, I’ll take you to a fucking beautician. Just don’t do stupid shit like this again.”
I just nod, because I’m afraid moving will cause my poor naked pussy to feel as if it’s on fire—or, even more on fire than it already is. “If either one of you care even remotely about her, you’ll get some ibuprofen and a cold pack, and keep it fucking coming all night.”
Everyone leaves the room in a flurry of excitement and I want to die. I hold the washer to the space between my legs, but even that has warmed against my flaming-hot skin, and I whimper a little as I roll onto my side. Why in the fuck do women do that to themselves? What the hell just happened? I feel like I just ... like I just signed onto some fucking BDSM porn shoot, had the shit fucked out of me, and then was shoved out into the cold without so much as a hug for aftercare.
My whole vagina is throbbing, and sadly it’s not in a good way.
When Coop returns ten minutes later it’s with a glass of water and ibuprofen, Levi comes in clutching a cold pack, and I cry because apparently I’m a motherfucking pussy when it comes to pain, but also, I adore them both for bringing me offerings of pain relief. They climb up on the bed. Cooper lies by my side and Levi settles between my legs. He wraps the end of the sheet around the gel-pack and lays it carefully against my vagina. It’s cold as fuck, but kind of nice too.
“Looks fucking hot, Red,” he says, lifting the ice pack and licking his lips.
“Do not touch me,” I warn. He gives a childlike little pout and runs his finger over the sensitised flesh of my outer labia. I hiss and jerk away. “I said, don’t touch me, fuck face.”
Levi sniggers and crawls farther up the bed, flopping down beside me. “Wow, you’re really a bitch when you have the hair ripped out of your vagina.”
Cooper chuckles, and I take the pillow from behind my head and whack them both with it.
Wax on, wax off.
My arse.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
THE FANGIRL EXPERIENCE
COOP
Different city, different hotel, same shit. The bus couldn’t get anywhere near the front entrance in Little Rock. Instead our roadies went ahead, assessing the damage and radioing back that we’d be using the back entrance to the hotel, and we’d be ushered directly to our rooms. We were still stopped by a bellboy and two cleaners asking for autographs. It wasn’t like it mattered—it was just a scrawl on a piece of paper. It wasn’t even my real signature. Ordinarily, I was happy to sign anything for our fans—didn’t hurt that most of them preferred to have their tits and arses signed in the privacy of a hotel room, or backstage, or in an alleyway behind the venue—but today it was making me antsy.
This thing with Ali had rattled me more than I’d liked, and the fact that we’d been booked rooms again on different floors bugged the shit outa me. Worse still was that James had booked Ali and Deb in a room together. I knew Ali could hold her own, but I also knew my sister, and I knew she wasn’t a big fan of the redhead. What I wasn’t expecting to find when I went down to their room was Deb, Zed and Ali laughing when Zed pulled back the door and let me in.
“Hey, brother,” Zed said, bringing me in for an awkward hug “Whatcha doin’ here, man?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” I reply, looking between Zed and the girls on their beds. What the hell was he doing here? Zed and Ali had become close back in Sydney, and Deb and Zed had known one another as long as Zed and I had, but something felt off. Why the fuck was he hanging out in their room?
I glare at my best friend, about to ask him what’s going on, when Ali launches herself off the bed at me, grasps my face in her hands and pulls my lips down to hers.
“Eww gross, take that shit somewhere else,” Deb complains.
“Come on, Mr Megastar, come show me this executive suite of yours.” She doesn’t say “and you can fuck me on every flat surface of it” but it’s implied. She pulls back the door and Levi is standing on the other side, his hand raised midway to knock.
“Levi?” Ali asks, her eyes widening. She glances between us and gives a sheepish little smile.
“What the hell are you doing here, man?” I ask. Why the fuck is this room suddenly the point of assembly? I peer out into the hall to see if Ash is behind him, the way he always used to be, but Ash hasn’t been behind anyone lately.
“I was coming to see if Red here wanted to grab a drink,” Levi says.
“Were you?” I sound like a complete knob.
“Yeah. I was,” he replies.
“I’d love a drink, Levi, because I’m gagging on the fucking testosterone in here. Is this gonna be a thing for us?” she asks.
“There’s not a thing,” I say.
At the same time, Levi says, “Nope, we’re fine.”
“Good, then knock it off. All three of us are going for a drink,” Ali says. “I think we need to talk.”
“I thought the two of us were going up to my room?”
“Change of plans,” Ali says, looking annoyed with the both of us. “We’re all going for a drink downstairs in the hotel bar, where we will all be fully clothed because of the people down there with camera phones.”
“What’s the matter, Red? You afraid of being alone with us?”
“I’m not afraid. I just know nothing smart can come of the three of us in a hotel room,” she says as I pull the door shut behind me and we walk down the hall. “Have you guys really thought about what we’re doing here?”
“Getting a drink?” Levi asks, cocking his head to the side and leering at her.
“No dumbarse.” She glances around as we reach the empty bank of elevators and presses the button impatiently. “I mean that no good can really come of this situation. I’m getting paid to be your assistant, not to fuck half the band. If Harbour Records finds out, I’ll lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. Not to mention that someone’s feelings might get hurt.”
Yeah, her feelings, if she ever figures out that I’m the one who’s paying her wage.
“Wait, you wanna stop fucking because someone’s feelings might get hurt?” Levi asks.
“It’s like you have selective hearing,” Ali complains. “I’m saying this is a bad idea for all of us. There’s already enough speculat
ion about me, and my role as Taint’s PA after Vegas. If the press finds out that this is a real thing, then we’re all screwed, and not just physically. Your fangirls aren’t going to like that you’re sticking it to the hired help. They want you available, because the second they buy those tickets until the minute they leave the stadium they’re fantasising about getting an all-access pass to your cocks.”
“You seem to have given this a lot of thought, Ali-Cat,” I whisper, edging closer to her. “Are you speaking from experience?”
“Dude, you weren’t there when she fangirled Dave and Josh. She’s definitely speaking from experience,” Levi says, and I have this insane urge to punch him in the face because I can’t stand the thought of him having her that night in Vegas.
“All I’m saying is that it was fun, and it was really insanely hot,” she says. “But we should leave it at that.”
The elevator dings and the doors slide open. Ali enters first, then Levi, who tries to shut me out by pushing the “doors closed” button. He fails, obviously.
I cringe as I step into the tiny metal box. I hate elevators. I know my fear of them is illogical, but I can’t help it. I turn into a giant fucking pussy when the doors close and the car shudders, lurching us downward. So when Levi leans around Ali and pushes the stop button, after the thing has only just been set into motion, my stomach twists and a cold sweat breaks out across my brow seconds later.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I suck in a deep breath, but the air around us is too dense for my lungs to filter it properly, or at least that’s how it feels.
Levi frowns and narrows his eyes at me, as if my full-blown panic attack is putting a fucking dampener on his day. “Oh that’s right, I forgot about your little obsession with confined spaces.”
“Levi,” Ali chastises, the concern in her tone makes me feel like a fucktard. She stands in front of me and takes my hand in hers. “You’re breaking out in a cold sweat. Levi, stop being an arse and push the button. He’s freaking out.”
TAINTED: THE COMPLETE DUET Page 19