by R. Cooper
“Schedules. Complaints about classes, or customers.” Iz wondered if he should list everything. “If I want to see them or if I’d rather be alone. It’s not how I thought it would be. Media says I should feel pained, lonely, on the outside looking in. Something along those lines? But I don’t. They went to dinner the other night—food truck tacos in the park after a game of Ronnie’s. I was sick so I didn’t go. They asked if I wanted anything, if I wanted company, and I said no and I meant it. So they went out together and probably had sex after. I don’t mind it. I didn’t when I said no and I don’t now. But I did miss them, so I said yes the next day when Rocco texted to ask if I wanted donuts. He drinks milk with his donuts, not coffee.” Iz made a face. “Milk.”
“You all went to get donuts.” Patricio did not seem to be asking. There was no question mark in his tone. “Rocco and Ronnie, brand-new couple, have been inviting you to hang out with them as a couple, even though they know your feelings.”
“Not always as a couple.” Iz looked over to the jogging trail too. Rocco and Ronnie and their friend had arrived and were all catching their breath.
“And you’re not sad?” Now, Patricio was asking.
Iz shrugged though Patricio couldn’t see. “I don’t know. But I can sleep, and I ate three and a half donuts. Even thinking of them together—”
“Izzy,” Patricio turned back to him.
“—seems beautiful,” Iz continued. “I get hot, not with anger, and not always with arousal.” Patricio made a noise but didn’t interrupt. “I feel better thinking about them then I did without speaking to them.”
Patricio looked pensive. “Have you been spending all your time with them?”
“No.” Iz hadn’t realized that would be a concern. “Giselle and I went to the mall and Rahim met us there. Eric helped me with my media assignment. I’m with you right now.”
Patricio gave him a kind but penetrative stare. “I know your plan was to never make a move on them, but was it to ever get over them? Because this is not the way.”
That was a good question. Iz gazed down at his hands and turned it over in his mind. “I’m not sure they want me to be over them,” he decided at last. “Ronnie isn’t over me. Rocco cares for me. They haven’t hidden that. If anything, they talk about it more.”
Patricio made another sound, startled and unsurprised at the same time.
“I didn’t approach them. They came to me.” Iz raised his head. “That’s probably why they keep asking me to consider how I’m feeling.”
Down by the trail, Ronnie looked up from his stretching and grinned when he saw Iz watching. Rocco turned at that and gave Iz a quick smile.
Iz ducked his head again to consider his hands. He coughed.
“What did they say when they came to you?” Patricio asked.
“That they missed me, and they were both so worried about messing things up that they are trying not to pressure themselves. Ronnie, in particular, has thoughts about traditional expectations for relationships—he was tying that to sexuality and gender, and I think race and class, although he didn’t mention anything by name. He writes such clear papers but when it comes to speaking out loud he gets self-conscious. He really shouldn’t.”
“Focus, please,” Patricio chided gently. “I know they already asked, but what do you think about all this? What’s your logical assessment? What do you believe is happening?”
“They’re in love.” That was obvious now that neither of them was doing much to conceal it. “They keep smiling. I’m not sure how new couples are supposed to act, but they seem all right to me. Neither of them like to give up easily. If they encounter a problem, they should be able to handle it. So far, I am not a problem, I don’t think. They invite me to dinner and to study. Ronnie and I watched Avatar together while I was sick, and we messaged Rocco so he wouldn’t be bothered—or to tease him, I was unclear on Ronnie’s exact motive, since he was laughing. I visit Rocco at work. He gives me discounted coffee and we talk, which is new and exciting.”
“Uh huh.” Patricio had a funny expression when Iz looked at him, hard, but slowly softening. “You don’t feel left out?” he pressed carefully and waited until after Iz shook his head to go on. “What about when they act more overtly like a couple?”
“Do you mean when they are affectionate?” Iz let the coffee drop soothe his throat as he considered. “Or do you mean sex?”
“I doubt they’re having sex in front of you,” Patricio said immediately, then paused. “Are they?”
“What an incredible thought,” Iz exhaled the words, only to end up coughing the next second. “No,” he answered when he could. “They’ve kissed a few times.” Mostly short kisses, in private, with Rocco always stunned and Ronnie absolutely triumphant at that reaction. Iz touched his lips, as he often did when he thought of them kissing. “I usually look away. I thought I was supposed to. But I like to witness that. It doesn’t hurt. There’s only heat in my face and vague arousal and an ache here.” He touched his chest too. “Envy?” he guessed. “But maybe I’m only remembering how nice it was when they kissed me.”
“And what do they do when you don’t look away?” Patricio asked in an extremely calm and level voice. “I’d like you to consider that as though it’s any other problem that needs an answer.”
“Okay.” Iz nodded slowly because Patricio meant it. “Okay, I will.”
“You guys look serious.” Ronnie’s warm voice made Iz’s stomach flip. Iz had gotten so used to the sensation it was no wonder he’d missed what it meant.
He raised his head and smiled as a tired, sweaty Ronnie chose to sit a few steps down from them. He leaned against Iz’s knee.
“You’re damp,” Iz commented, fingertips at Ronnie’s temple, his hairline. “Athletes.”
“Athletes,” Patricio echoed in a different tone, staring up at Rocco and his friend with the calf tattoo.
“Izzy.” Rocco made Iz’s name a hello.
Now that Iz was paying attention, he wondered how anyone who was in love got anything done. His nerves were tingling.
He tipped his head up even further to look Rocco over since Rocco was still at the bottom of the stairs. “You’re far away,” he called out, wondering what sort of mess Rocco’s hair was beneath his beanie. Running for fun was probably good cardio but still made no sense to Iz.
Rocco arched an eyebrow but began to climb the steps. His shirt collar was stained and as wet as Ronnie’s was.
Iz wiped more sweat from Ronnie’s forehead and wrinkled his nose. “You two should take a shower.”
Ronnie dropped his head to snicker. Rocco glanced at Ronnie, then Iz, before finally coming to a stop close to Ronnie. Ronnie reached out to curl his hand at the back of Rocco’s thigh. He snickered again. But maybe he saw the surprise that flashed across Rocco’s face and didn’t like it because his smile gentled.
“That an official suggestion?” Rocco asked Iz, as though Ronnie’s affectionate and shyly possessive touch hadn’t startled him.
“I phrased that badly,” Iz realized out loud. “Or at least, that isn’t what I originally meant. But you do need a shower, both of you.”
“And food,” Ronnie said plaintively before looking up again. “I’m starving. This one needs carbs.” He jerked his head toward Rocco. “We’ve got to eat. You hungry, Iz? You could come with us.”
“I’m not not-hungry,” Iz answered cautiously. “But it can’t take long. I’m supposed to go to a study session.”
“Bossy Iz.” Ronnie clucked his tongue.
Iz dried his fingers on his pants. “That wasn’t bossy.”
“It’s the imperious tone,” Rocco chimed in. He seemed to enjoy teasing almost as much as Ronnie. But he held up his hand in an appeasing gesture. “We aren’t in any condition for a restaurant and you’re in PJs. We were going to head to the student café. It’ll just be a few minutes.”
Iz had forgotten his pajama pants. “I’m still sick,” he excused himself, but smiled when
Rocco merely extended his hand to pull him to his feet. “Patricio?” Iz turned to Patricio, who hadn’t moved. Notably, neither had the boy with the calf tattoo. “Do you want us to bring you something?”
Patricio looked at him, and then at Rocco, who was holding Iz’s hand, and at Ronnie as Ronnie stood up. His gaze came back to Iz. “Some tea, but there’s no rush.”
He was cold and uncomfortable. Iz considered him and whatever he wasn’t saying, before turning to the boy with the calf tattoo. “Can we bring you anything, since you’ll be keeping Patricio company?” he asked, and then Ronnie buried his face in the scarf at the back of Iz’s neck to sigh happily and Rocco was leading him down the stairs.
“Painful and amazing,” Ronnie commented after he pulled away.
“Could have gone much worse,” Rocco observed.
“I have a lot to think about,” Iz added, and Ronnie swiftly and softly kissed his cheek.
Chapter Twelve
Iz did not forget Patricio’s question, but he didn’t have much opportunity to think it over in the following week and a half. One of Ronnie’s coworkers caught the same cold and didn’t recover quickly, so Ronnie worked more, and Rocco finished up a paper and then went to some fencing event—to watch, not compete, or Iz might have asked to go.
He saw one of them but not the other, or met them together but in passing. He got enough messages from both of them that it was easier to create a smaller group chat just for them for some things, but that, while strangely riveting despite being full of ordinary conversation, did not help him with the problem Patricio had given him.
He contemplated Rocco and Ronnie’s few public and semi-public kisses because it was more interesting than studying for midterms. It helped that Ronnie was next to him, cross-legged on Iz’s bed and frowning at his laptop. Iz could dart glances at Ronnie’s mouth and remember how soft it felt and how Rocco must think the same.
But there his imagination failed him. Because the times Ronnie or Rocco had exchanged a kiss and then remembered him, one or both of them had been flushed. With embarrassment or arousal or a combination of those two things, Iz had assumed. Their gazes had been warm, maybe apologetic, but Iz had never asked.
Perhaps he should have, or told them out loud what he was and wasn’t comfortable with. Maybe that’s what Patricio meant.
But, of course, Iz didn’t have an answer to that yet.
Ronnie was glaring at his screen now. His assigned reading was either incomprehensible or objectionable.
Iz looked out the window before Ronnie could catch him staring, though Ronnie would probably only smile and lift an eyebrow.
The window was cracked to let in fresh air, but the shades were down and partly opened to help with the late afternoon burst of sunlight. The space heater was not on, though Iz would likely have it going by the time he went to bed. Quiet music came from Ronnie’s phone—a study playlist, he called it. Music that was oddly not distracting to Iz’s brain, and so presumably not to Ronnie’s either.
Iz smiled at Ronnie and Ronnie glanced over at the same moment. His frown of concentration eased for a second, and then he sighed and returned to his reading.
Iz covered his mouth with his hand and sank back against his pillows and the wall. He kept asking if Ronnie and Rocco had other things they wanted to do, and sometimes they did, but most of the time they were here, or texting, or thinking of him.
The butterflies, which should have been settled once Iz admitted his feelings, only fluttered more whenever Iz thought about it. Then he remembered Patricio’s instruction and the nervous excitement in his stomach got worse.
He was in love, and they were in love, and they were all together, in a way Iz did not know the terms for, except that they were friends.
He tugged a strand of hair from a braid then broke the quiet. “May I ask you something?” He didn’t raise his voice, although they were alone in the apartment since Giselle was out and Rocco was supposed to join them soon.
Rocco looked over again, still frowning, and maybe this time it was because he’d finally gotten focused and Iz had disturbed him. But he must have noticed something in Iz’s expression or tone because he swallowed and then closed his laptop and set it on the bed.
“Yeah. Always.” Ronnie nodded. “Go ahead.”
Articulating his tangling thoughts was difficult. Iz put out a hand. “Please don’t correct my terminology or try to be polite. Tell me—is it normal for all of us to spend time together the way that we do?”
Ronnie’s eyes widened. He rubbed the back of his neck, where Iz had spotted stubble burn below the collar of his polo shirt. “It’s our normal,” Ronnie declared at last, with a stubborn jut of his chin. “It’s good and it’s healthy and it’s what we want. That should be enough, right?”
Iz had never liked the therapist that had stressed his choices should be good and healthy, but that was supposed to be the goal.
“Unless”–Ronnie leaned forward, licked his lips—“you’re not either of those?”
“Are you?” Iz returned. He would say yes, because Ronnie smiled so much now. But he couldn’t say for sure what was in Ronnie’s mind.
Ronnie jerked his head up. His expression brightened although he eased back and cleared his throat. “You’ve been thinking?” he asked, almost calm. “Reach any conclusions?”
“No.” Iz blinked at him. Clearly, there was a conclusion to be reached. Patricio had known something. “But—”
Ronnie brushed a light touch over Iz’s knee when Iz didn’t finish. “Go on.”
“This is not my understanding of how these things work. Except it does work… has been working.” It had not been working long. But Iz felt that point could wait since more data would require more time. “I’m not in the way?”
“No.” Ronnie didn’t wait even a second. “We want you here.”
“He does?” Iz couldn’t help asking. “He likes me now, I know, but I don’t want to take away from what he has with you.”
Ronnie stared incredulously at him for long enough that Iz almost retracted the question.
“God, he really is too subtle for his own good.” Ronnie shook his head once, then again, before shifting his position so his back was against the wall and he was closer to Iz.
“Rocco silently pledged his devotion to you and didn’t want you to know.” Iz stretched his legs out so they were next to Ronnie’s. “Perhaps subtle is what he knows.”
“Okay, please know that ‘silently pledged his devotion’ is going to be ringing in my ears for days.” Ronnie poked Iz with his foot. “But also… he’s already gone for me, right? Apparently, that fool was head over heels for me from like, the dawn of time.” Iz would have known Ronnie was grinning even without looking at him. “So it was too late. No resistance. But you—you, he tried to resist.”
Ronnie was still grinning.
Iz tried to follow. “He finds me attractive.”
Ronnie’s grin turned gentle. “Who doesn’t?”
“Giselle.” Iz didn’t have to guess. He also had more answers, but Ronnie poked him again.
“You’re attractive and smart and unusual. You threw him off his game—which, I totally get. You threw me off mine too.”
It felt like a compliment. Iz wanted to say something similar, but all he had was, “I usually avoid the people who try to kiss me. I didn’t with you.”
“That would have meant nothing to me then but I get it so much now.” Ronnie brushed Iz’s hair behind his ear for him. “So Rocco… he avoided you whenever he could because he knew it wouldn’t take much for him to fall for you. He never hated you, if that’s what you thought. He never even disliked you. He’s just, you know, Rocco.”
“And he liked me—likes me?” Iz corrected himself mid-sentence. “Like-like?”
“Yes,” Rocco said clearly from the doorway, then made a garbled, embarrassed noise. “Aren’t you supposed to be prepping for exams or something?”
“We can do that too. We’re
multitalented.” Ronnie lifted a hand to beckon Rocco closer, so Rocco came in and sat down at the foot of the bed. Ronnie bent his legs to make room for him, though Rocco kept near the edge and didn’t look ready to get comfortable. He set his backpack on the floor, but his shoes stayed on.
Rocco was calm, but it was a watchful, wary calm.
Iz scooted back up to sit on his legs. “I thought you were talking about sexual attraction.”
“Well, I was,” Rocco admitted this to Ronnie but finally looked over after Iz shut his forgotten book. “Just not only that,” Rocco added.
Iz needed it reaffirmed. “You like me?”
“Bit more than ‘like,’ Izzy,” Ronnie whispered in Iz’s ear as he also moved away from the wall. He returned to his original cross-legged position, but now between Iz and Rocco.
Iz sat, warm all over, with Rocco watching him intently while Ronnie asked him something about his day. Giselle had been outside getting something from her car when Rocco had arrived and told him to come on in, apparently, and he had a group project he was not excited about. Iz didn’t think anyone enjoyed group projects except people who didn’t want to do any work, but he refused to let that thought pull him away from this one.
“That’s a serious look, Iz,” Rocco said gravely after several minutes had gone by.
“I’m no good at subtlety,” Iz reminded him. “You’ll have to say it. You love me, both as a friend and romantically?”
Rocco twitched, then shivered as Ronnie smoothed his hair from his forehead. He gave Ronnie a quick look, but Ronnie provided no other rescue or encouragement. Rocco took a moment, eyes downcast, before boldly meeting Iz’s stare. “If I’m not in love with you now, it won’t be much longer until I am.”
All the air seemed to have been forced out of Ronnie’s lungs. He closed his eyes, only to open them when Rocco took one of his hands and held it in both of his.
“He finally said it,” Ronnie remarked.
“Finally.” Rocco seemed to be playing with Ronnie’s fingers. “Like it’s been forever.”