by Leah Shay
At the doctor's office, Jenn sat across from me as I filled out the paperwork. I hated her silent treatment and the sad look in her eyes like she was at a funeral. As I signed the paperwork, my phone vibrated. It was Jared. Clutching the clipboard to my chest, I walked out into the hallway to answer the call and to escape Jenn's sad, watchful eyes.
I held the phone to my ears unable to speak.
"Kyra, are you there?"
"I'm here," I answered in a strangled voice.
"Kyra, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I said, not too convincingly.
"Babe, I don't like how you're sounding right now. What's going on?"
"Jared, please, I'm okay."
"My parents are in town and my mom is inviting you down for dinner this evening."
"I'm sorry, but I can't make it tonight. Tomorrow maybe?"
"They're leaving for New York in the morning."
I was plagued by guilt already and I hadn't even gone through with it yet.
"Kyra, are you sure you're okay? Where are you?"
"Jared, I'm so sorry." I apologized emphatically for what I was about to do. "I'll call you back later."
"Kyra..."
A huge lump welled up in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears.
"I'll call you back, babe," I said hastily before the tears flowed.
"I love you, Kyra." I ended the call and silenced my phone. Warm, sad tears flowed down my cheeks. I wiped them away. Still clutching the clipboard to my chest, I walked over to the counter and handed it to the heavyset, older woman with the bleached blond, poufy hair-do.
"Have a seat, dear. The nurse will be right out," she said in a sweet, comforting tone.
The seat I'd vacated from was now occupied, so I sat next to Jenn. The uncomfortable silence between us was agonizing. My heart kicked into high gear as the door to the waiting room opened and a tall, Afro American woman stood in the doorway.
"Miss Harris," she called.
I stood on my trembling legs and followed her into a back room. She took my blood pressure and then went over the forms I'd filled out, reviewing what I'd written.
"How do you confirm the pregnancy?" I asked after surmising that she did not want a urine sample.
"The doctor will do an ultrasound," she answered. "Just a couple more questions. Do you want to see the image while the test is being performed?"
"No," I answered flatly.
"Do you want to know if you are carrying multiple fetuses?"
"No."
"Okay, right this way, please."
She opened the door to a sterile, cold, white walled room.
"Have a seat on the table, please. The doctor will be right in."
I sat on the table and waited nervously for the doctor. I never thought that I would be in this situation, after having lived through the experience of disappointment and heartbreak with each failed attempt to conceive years ago. What I was about to do was so devastating, unconscionable.
Why was I doing this again? Because I was scared. Aunt Magg was wrong. I was a coward. I couldn't remember the last time I was this terrified. The feeling of being watched and scrutinized; life under a microscope was intimidating to me, and a whole lot scarier when it was not only your family and friends but the entire world in your business, and they dig and pry to uncover your private affairs. I jumped as the door opened and a Chinese woman entered.
"Miss Harris, I'm Dr. Chung-Lee. How are you?"
"Hello, doctor."
"Please, lie back on the table for me, and lift up your shirt."
I did as I was asked, and fixed my eyes on a spot in the ceiling. She performed the ultrasound and I heard the whizzing sound of the machine printing the results.
"Do you have any questions?" the doctor asked as she placed the paper on the chart.
"No."
"The pregnancy is fairly early, so you'll be out of here in no time."
"Thank you, doctor."
"I'll take you to the desk where you can make the payment."
This was my chance to back out if I wanted to. I thought if I did not see the ultrasound, it would have been easier to go through with it, but curiosity had gotten the best of me. Would looking at the ultrasound be a mind-changer or encourage me to pursue the course I was on?
"Doctor, I've changed my mind. Can I take a look at the ultrasound?"
"Sure, sign right here, indicating that you want to see the ultrasound." She flipped the chart open and handed me a pen. "Would you like me to explain?"
"No, I'd just like to look at the picture."
She handed it to me. I took a glance and my heart stopped. Numbly I handed the picture back to her.
"Thank you, doctor," I said in dismay.
"Do you need a few minutes, some time to think about this?"
"No. I'll be fine."
"Right this way then."
If I went through with this pregnancy, it would be another high risk pregnancy. I dreaded going through that again, and more importantly, I wanted to spare Jared and myself the heartbreak of a miscarriage. I did not want to relive my last pregnancy. Nate was a miracle. How could I prepare Jared for this? How should I tell him that my womb was like a barren wasteland and if by some miracle something germinates there, it would take an even greater miracle to come to term? I did not want to go through the joy, fear, and disappointment or put him through that either. It was final; this was something I had to do for both of us.
"Will it be cash or debit, dear?" poufy-haired lady asked.
"Cash."
"That will be $450."
I reached into my handbag to retrieve my wallet. My phone lit up with hazel eyes. Jared was calling again. Ignoring the call, I removed the cash from my wallet and placed it on the counter.
He wouldn't find out. Most of the information I provided on the forms was false. This was for the best. I prayed I could look at myself in the morning. Even harder, I prayed that I could look into Jared's beautiful hazel eyes again.
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen