The Pain, My Mother, Sir Tiffy, Cyber Boy & Me

by Michael Gerard Bauer

  It was because I had something to say to The Pain, and it really couldn’t wait.

  23

  Extreme corpse face

  The thing I wanted to say to The Pain I shouted at him when I reached the gate.

  ‘YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER! YOU’RE NOT MY ANYTHING AND YOU NEVER WILL BE! SO JUST STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!’

  Clear, concise and to the point with no unnecessary digressions or excessive figurative language. How do you like them apples, Sista Lista?

  After I had screamed my mind, I squeezed past The Pain and headed inside. By the time I reached the lounge room, he’d caught up to me.

  ‘Maggie, wait. Just give me a chance to explain. Please. Maggie!’

  I stopped just inside the doorway of my room. I didn’t turn round.

  ‘Look, I didn’t mean to chase him off, okay? I didn’t mean for that to happen at all. It’s just when I saw that shirt … it got to me … I lost my cool a bit, sure … but I just didn’t feel it was … appropriate. I thought it was in bad taste. I thought it was disrespectful to you. I thought if I could just …’

  I’d had enough.

  ‘You thought! You thought! Newsflash: I don’t need you thinking for me, okay? I don’t want you thinking for me. I’m quite capable of thinking for myself. Or do you think I’m too stupid to decide whether I’m being “disrespected” or not?’

  To tell you the truth, I actually had no idea what I would have done if I’d answered the door and seen Jason’s teeshirt first. Still don’t. But right then it didn’t matter. I was more concerned about my message getting through to The Pain, loud and clear.

  ‘And just in case you missed it first time round, I repeat – YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER. SO JUST STAY OUT OF MY LIFE AND STOP TRYING TO RUIN IT!’

  As rants go it was one of my best. Usually when I get angry like that and try to talk at the same time, I just get all tangled up and it comes out rubbish. Something like, ‘I don’t need me to make my decisions for you!’ HUH? Which only makes me angrier, so I usually just end up swearing and leaving it at that. But this time, the words seemed to come out just right. After I’d said them I charged into my room and shut (make that slammed) the door behind me.

  I wasn’t alone for long.

  Soon I heard voices gathering outside. One was Mum’s. The Pain was obviously trying to make pathetic excuses for what had just happened. Trying to justify being a TOTAL PAIN! I predicted that I was about to get a visit from my mother any minute, so I pulled my copy of Macbeth from my side table and propped it up on my stomach like a barricade. I was staring at a blur of ink marks on the page when the inevitable knock came.

  Mum poked her head in.

  ‘Maggie? Danny explained to me what happened. You okay?’

  I told her that I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her that I didn’t want to talk about anything. I told her there was nothing she could do to help. I told her I just wanted to be left alone. For the rest of my life.

  She came in and sat on the end of my bed.

  Apparently my mother is deaf.

  ‘Look, sweetie, I know you’re angry at Danny. I get that. I do. But he really didn’t mean to upset you. He was just … looking out for you. He’s like that. Perhaps he didn’t go about it as well as he could have. But his heart’s in the right place.’

  ‘Really? Perhaps it’s time to have his brain checked out then.’

  ‘Maggie, come on. Be fair. Danny’s actually really upset about all this.’

  That was too much.

  ‘He’s upset? Sorry, did I miss something here? Was he the one who just had his social life destroyed before his very eyes? Was he the one whose last chance of getting a partner for the graduation dance was chased off down the street by some whack job? Is he the one who’s probably going to be talked about all over the internet because of his mother’s psycho boyfriend? Is he the one who’s going to be a laughing stock at school and treated like he’s contagious? Again!’

  Some of the sympathy left Mum’s face at that point.

  ‘I think you’re being a bit melodramatic. And to be perfectly blunt with you, if I’d been the one who answered the door, I might have been a little more diplomatic, but there’s no guarantee the end result would have been any different. From what I heard, that teeshirt was inappropriate. Full stop.’

  Mum bit her bottom lip like she was stopping herself from saying anything more.

  ‘Look. I know you’re upset and for good reason. But can you just see him? Just for a second. That’s all I’m asking. You don’t have to utter a word if you don’t want to. Just let Danny say sorry properly before he goes home. For me, okay? That’s all I’m asking. Please, Maggie.’

  If it hadn’t been for the sadness in Mum’s eyes there’s no way I would have agreed. It wasn’t fair. I propped my book back up.

  ‘Fine. Okay. Whatever. But I’m not speaking to him. And he can say whatever he likes, but I’m not forgiving him. Ever.’

  Mum didn’t look overjoyed with my response but I think she realised it was as good as she was going to get. She left the room and a few seconds later there was another knock on the door. The Pain poked his head in. And spoke. The words that came out of his mouth were familiar to me. Except this time they weren’t being sung.

  ‘Wake up, Maggie,’ he said. ‘I know I’ve got something to say to you.’

  Even though I’d told Mum I wasn’t going to speak, I couldn’t help myself. I let my book fall back on my stomach.

  ‘It’s one o’clock in the afternoon. I’m lying on my bed reading Shakespeare when I should be on my way to a movie. My eyes are wide open. My life’s just been destroyed. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain that I’m already awake.’

  The Pain nodded.

  ‘Touché. Although to be fair, you could have been just pretending to be awake.’

  I hit him with my extreme corpse face look. That’s the one that says, ‘You know those words that came out of your mouth just now? Well, they were so mind-numbingly stupid and moronic that they actually sucked all the life from my being.’

  ‘Okay, moving right along,’ The Pain said. ‘I just wanted you to know that you were right. What you said out there – you were right. You should have had the chance to speak for yourself. I didn’t let you. I’m sorry. I’m not perfect.’ The Pain held up a hand. ‘No, please, I’m not going to argue with you about that. It’s true.’

  Return of the corpse face.

  ‘And … I know that I probably overreacted to that teeshirt and I could have been a little more … restrained … in my comments. If I had my time over, I’d like to believe that I’d do it all differently. Although, knowing me, I couldn’t guarantee it.’

  The Pain waited. I think he was hoping I’d say something. I didn’t. He seemed a little frustrated.

  ‘At least I didn’t rip that shirt off his back and shove it down his throat. So maybe we should be thankful for small mercies, hey?’

  The Pain grinned. I didn’t. Then he didn’t.

  ‘So anyway, look, I’m sorry for what happened. I really am. I didn’t mean to muck up your date and upset you. Believe me, that’s the last thing in the world I wanted to do. And you’re right. I’m not your father. Perhaps he would have handled things much better if he was here. But he’s not here. And I am. And the reason I am here is because I like your mother. More than like her. And I’m afraid that means I can’t do one of those things you wanted me to do, Maggie. I can’t stay out of your life, not completely anyway, not unless that’s something your mother wants too. But I will promise you this. From now on I’ll try my hardest not to ruin it for you, ever again. Okay?’

  There was just silence then before The Pain said, ‘Well, thanks for letting me say my bit. Night, Maggie May. I really am sorry.’

  I didn’t answer. Mum told me I didn’t have to. I kept my eyes on the page in front of me and waited till I heard the door click shut. Somehow Sir Tiffy must have sneaked in while the door was open because
as soon as The Pain left, there he was trying to pull himself up to join me. I pushed him away with my foot.

  For the first time ever, he took no for an answer and settled for the floor beside my bed.

  24

  My MAPLAD

  The school week following on from The Furious Incident of The Pain and the Pornographic Pigs in the Daytime saw three major developments.

  Major Development No. 1: Jason Price and Brodie Fox got back together again!

  That’s right. Love found a way. Isn’t that so sweeeeeeeeet? Yippee! Super-happy for them.

  Yes, apparently on the way home from his fashion debate with The Pain, Jason decided to call in on Brods, just for old time’s sake, you understand, and to ease his pain and frustration no doubt. How gorgeous! I’m not sure what happened there exactly, but Brodie must have been really excellent at pain and frustration easing, because before you know it, ‘hey presto! It’s Maggie OUT and Brodie IN!’

  Jason himself informed me of this heartwarming development when he delivered a tender and moving explanation on Monday morning before school.

  ‘Thought I’d better tell ya. Brods and me. We’re back on. So … yeah.’

  So yeah.

  Such a beautiful moment!

  But to be truthful, I wasn’t exactly crushed by my dumping. I had the feeling that Jason Price probably would have been badly miscast as my leading man. I took my rejection like a real trouper and for once having The Pain in my life came in handy, at least as an excuse.

  ‘Oh, right. Just as well, really. Mum’s psycho boyfriend is pretty pissed at you for calling him a wanker and giving him the finger, so I guess it’s a good thing and probably safer that we … that you and me … are … you know … not on.’

  Still, it was a bit depressing finding myself back at square zero in my graduation-partner-finding quest. To cheer myself up I tried to look for some positives in the whole sorry affair.

  I found two.

  One positive was that Jason must have decided it wasn’t wise to tell Brodie of his disastrous attempt to date someone else, so at least the whole humiliating psycho ‘dad’ thing didn’t go viral around school or the internet.

  The other silver lining was that following his highly successful one-man demolition of my struggling love life, The Pain lived up to his word and was wisely keeping his distance from me to avoid ruining anything else.

  Bliss!

  Major Development No. 2: My next visit with Bert Duggan went even better than the previous week’s!

  Once again the main topic was of a moggie nature. Bert had even dug out some old photos of different cats he’d owned at various times in his life. Some were so old they were black and white. (The photos I mean, not necessarily the cats, although they might have been too.) In return I showed him shots of Sir Tiffy on my phone. (The shots were on my phone. It’s not like Sir Tiffy was sitting on my phone or he was on my phone ordering in a mice and anchovy pizza or anything.) Sorry, just trying to make sure my writing is clear and concise, like Sista Lista says.

  I also had some new Sir Tiffy tales to tell Bert. But these were quite different from last week’s stories. Last week’s were mainly in the disaster and horror genre. This time around I was telling happy success stories. Like how all the drops and tablets and medication really seemed to be working and how Sir Tiffy’s bladder problems were finally under control (Yeeesssssssss!) and how he wasn’t as grumpy any more, and how his fur was growing back a little bit at a time, and how he was putting on some weight, and how he wasn’t confusing his sleeping basket with his kitty litter tray any more or parking his backside in his milk, and how his hearing had improved because his ear infection had cleared, and how his one good eye was becoming clear and blue and beautiful.

  I think I might have ended up sounding like an overly proud mother!

  Major Development No. 3: I made a Momentous and Potentially Life-altering Decision (MAPLAD)!

  My MAPLAD came about on Friday when I was sitting by myself in the library at lunchtime (like all the popular kids!) doing a final read through of my Macbeth assignment before I printed it out and handed it over to Sista Lista in the last lesson.

  I’d just started my proofread when Jeremy Tyler-Roy came shuffling into the library carrying a stack of books and folders. He placed (dropped) everything on one of the study tables and began sorting through it. It was mostly Science stuff. No surprises there. But then he was joined at the table by another boy. It was Steve Driver. BIG surprise there.

  The surprise was because of their almost polar opposite personalities.

  Where Jeremy Tyler-Roy was as straight and reliable as they come, Steve Driver, with his long, wild hair, sleepy eyes and ‘creative’ school uniform was more a human train wreck constantly happening. I had no idea what Steve got up to outside of school hours but whatever it was, it seemed to be taking its toll on him – and was possibly illegal.

  Jeremy and Steve worked together all through lunchtime. (And no, I wasn’t spying on them! I was merely observing them without their knowledge or prior consent.) When the bell went and Steve Driver left, I just happened to be looking for books behind a set of shelves next to the table where Jeremy was packing up his folders (No, I wasn’t stalking him! I was merely invading his personal space without his knowledge or prior consent.) Then, just as I happened to be peeking through a gap in a line of books, I saw Eugene O’Dowd, one of Jeremy’s friends, come into the library and start talking to him. (No, I wasn’t eavesdropping! I was merely listening into their private conversation without their knowledge or prior consent.)

  Here’s how the conversation that I accidentally heard every word of, went.

  Eugene: Hey, Jeremy, we missed you at chess practice, man. You’re not still helping Driver with that Biology assignment, are you?

  Jeremy: Just finished. He’s handing it in now.

  Eugene: (Shaking his head) Can’t see the point. I know he asked for your help and everything, but even if he does okay on one assignment, he’s probably still going to flunk Biol anyway. And everything else. Geez, he’s away every second day and he does bugger all in class even when he turns up. I mean, it’s great that you’re helping him I guess, but honestly, man, what a waste of time. I’m sorry, but it’s true. The guy’s a total loser.

  Jeremy: (Shrugging his shoulders) Not today.

  On the way home in the bus I kept hearing Jeremy Tyler-Roy saying those last words. And remembering his expression as he said them. To be honest, I’d never really taken that much notice of Jeremy’s face before. I doubt many people had. How could you? Most of the time it was half-hidden by that curtain of straight dark hair, which I’m sure Jeremy only realised he possessed when it fell in front of his eyes and had to be brushed away.

  The other reason his face remained a mystery was because it spent most of its life peering at a computer screen or bent over a book. I think maybe the size of Jeremy’s brain got in the way for a lot of people too. It was like he was always standing in the shadows of his own cerebral eclipse. But when I actually took the time to have a close look at Jeremy’s face, I didn’t mind what I saw. It was a good face. A bit thin and serious and dorky maybe. But when he said those last words to Eugene, there was something about his crooked smile and that ghost of a twinkle in those piercing, dark eyes of his that stayed with me.

  But it wasn’t just Jeremy Tyler-Roy’s face that I saw that lunchtime.

  I also saw how patiently he worked with a hyperactive, easily frustrated and distracted Steve Driver. I saw how he didn’t have time to eat his lunch because he was so caught up with getting Steve across the line. I saw how embarrassed and awkward he was when he was wrapped in a Steve Driver bear hug after the assignment was done and how hilariously uncoordinated he looked attempting to master Steve’s tricky handshake moves. And I saw how, when he was left alone, he made sure the chairs were all back in place and there was no mess left for Mrs Lee and the library staff to clean up.

  And because I saw all those lit
tle humanoid touches and maybe because I knew that never in his wildest dreams would Jeremy show up at my door wearing a teeshirt packed with pornographically porking pigs, I came to my MOMENTOUS AND POTENTIALLY LIFE-ALTERING DECISION.

  This one:

  The first opportunity I got the following week, I was going to offer Jeremy the plum role of Maggie Butt’s partner at the upcoming Year Ten Graduation Dance.

  He didn’t know it yet, but Jeremy Tyler-Roy’s lucky number had finally come up!

  25

  Now or never!

  I had to move fast. The dance was now just under three weeks away. Partner names and tables had to be finalised soon. So when Monday rolled around, I hung out in the resource centre before school, at morning tea and at lunchtime, hoping (and secretly dreading) that Jeremy might turn up.

  He didn’t.

  But I wasn’t done yet. I phoned Mum and told her I’d be late home because I needed to stay back and work on a project in the library. Technically speaking, this was true, except that the project in question just happened to be Jeremy Tyler-Roy.

  I’d already been in the library for about three-quarters of an hour and was on the verge of throwing in the towel when Jeremy walked in. Luckily he didn’t notice me dashing behind the shelves of the Romance section. He marched straight to the graphic novel display stand, selected a book and carted it off to a beanbag in the far corner of the library. Jeremy Tyler-Roy was all alone and the library was practically deserted.

  Perfect.

  It was NOW or NEVER!

  For the next quarter of an hour I hid myself away weighing up the many advantages of NEVER. I finally opted for NOW but only by the slimmest of margins. I took a deep breath, walked over and stood right in front of Jeremy. He was so engrossed in his graphic novel that it took a moment for him to realise I was there. I think I might have startled him a little. (Unless he always jumped like that when he saw someone hovering over him like a bird of prey about to swoop.)