by Kimber White
“You can never assure my safety. I know I haven’t been around shifters for very long, but I’ve picked up a few things. It’s a hard life you live, isn’t it? There’s danger. Unpredictability. You have to be ready to move or fight on a moment’s notice.”
“Yes. And that’s no kind of life for you.”
Even as he said it, a thrill of excitement burned through me. God, I wanted it. I wanted to be wild, reckless, and carefree. I had no idea what that was like, but I desperately wanted to find out.
“It doesn’t sound so bad,” I finally said, smiling. “You said it yourself the other day. I’ve spent my life surrounded by old men and little boys. There has to be something else for me besides that. I want more. I crave it, Luke. I crave...you.”
I grew bold and leaned down to kiss him. Luke pulled back at first, but the instant I laced my fingers through his hair and pressed my lips to his, he couldn’t hold back either. The soft groan that escaped his throat ignited my core. I clawed at him. I had a vision of raking my fingers down his back. I knew instinctively if I did, it would send him over the edge. God, I wanted that. But, I was afraid of it too.
Luke leaned forward, driving me backward until I lay flat on the bed. His expert fingers worked the laces on the front of my gown and he slipped them inside. I cried out with pleasure as he cupped my breast, warming it with his hand.
“Patricia,” he whispered. “I can’t want this.”
“You can.” What was I saying?
I reached for his fly, but I couldn’t muster the dexterity he did. I fumbled with the button but couldn’t open it. I pulled at it, becoming desperate for the feel of his hard cock in my hand. I could feel the outline of him against my leg and I grew instantly wet. I wanted to throw my gown over my head and crawl onto the bed on all fours just like in my vision in the woods.
But how could I think of such a thing under my father’s roof with my brother and him sleeping on the other side of the house? It was wicked, sinful, but oh-so-delicious all at once.
Luke’s lust began to overpower him. His eyes went fully wolf as he used his other hand to ruck up my nightgown. I parted my legs on instinct, groaning from the sweet pleasure of the throbbing pulse I felt between them. Luke found that too. He ran a finger over my panties, tracing the swollen cleft beneath the satin.
“You’re so wet,” he whispered. “My God, you’re soaked.”
I bit my bottom lip to stifle the cry of pleasure. I bucked my hips, unable to control myself, hating that I was so clumsy and new at this.
Luke slid his index finger beneath the crotch of my panties and found the sensitive, throbbing bud that was the center of my desire. He rolled his finger across it then entered me with it. I arched my back and bucked again. When he withdrew it and pulled my gown down, I clawed for him. I would have done anything to get him to touch me like that again.
But, Luke was already sitting back up. He took my hands in his and brought them to his lips, kissing my knuckles gently.
“What?” I said. My throat had run dry. “Did I do something wrong?”
His eyes were still silver as he looked at me. A sad smile crossed his face and he helped me up to a sitting position.
“No, my love. Everything about you is perfect. But I won’t do it like this. Not here. Not now. Not under your father’s roof.”
I smoothed my sweat-soaked hair away from my face. I’d thought the same thing and Luke sensed it somehow. I should have been more careful. Except, he was right. Damn him for it. Luke pulled me close, caressing my cheek as I nestled against his chest. We stayed that way for a good long while. The moon rose high and the crickets began to chirp.
Later, Luke folded me against him, spooning me as he kissed my neck and let me fall asleep for a time. But, my sleep was light and fitful, as if I expected him to disappear if I closed my eyes too long.
“How are you like you are?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” he said, putting another soft kiss on the top of my head.
“You’ve lost so much. I know you said Sela wasn’t the love of your life, but she was the mother of your children. I’ve seen what losing someone like that can do to a man. You’ve seen my father. He’s a good man. Or at least, he can be. It’s just, ever since cancer took my mother, he’s settled for just passing the time. You know what I think, or what I fear? I think he’s planning to die as soon as Harold finishes school and takes over the farm. I think that’s the last promise he made my mom and he intends to keep it, but not for a second longer than he has to.”
I felt Luke’s hard breath against my cheek as he pondered my question. “Maybe we’re not so different after all.”
I turned to face him. “You are. You? You’re amazing. And how you were with Lucia. I know how angry you were with her, but you were calm and so gentle with her. You took the time to understand how she was feeling and worked from that place instead of grief or anger. You’re a good father, Luke. Not every man can say that.”
“Your father loves you too. But he’s afraid of feeling anything too deeply again. I can understand that. And maybe he’ll surprise you. Maybe he’ll have enough love left inside of him to stick around to see what Harold grows up to be. And what you make of yourself.”
What would I make of myself? Until this very moment, I’d never been brave enough to ask that question. Maybe it was the power of the moon or the way Luke’s kiss acted on me like a drug. Maybe it was the knowledge I carried inside of me now that Luke was meant for me. But, whatever it was, when I sat up and turned to face him, the words I said carried absolute conviction.
“I want you to not be afraid of me...of us. Because I’m not. In so many ways I feel like I came alive the moment I met you. Sure, I wanted to brain you with a frying pan for getting my brother in a fix, but I did come alive. We’re fated. I believe it. God, I don’t have to believe it. I feel it in my soul. I want to explore it. I want to be with you. All of you. Whatever that entails. I’m so sick and tired of living for other people, Luke. That’s the life that’s laid out for me. I’m here to take care of my grandfather for whatever amount of years he’s got left. I’m here to make sure Harold finishes school, goes to college, and stays out of some rice paddy in Southeast Asia. And I’m here to prop up my father until he decides to come back to the land of the living or not. But none of that...none of it is what I want. What I want is you. You want me too. I’m tired of being afraid.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
Something snapped inside of me. I hurled a pillow across the room. “Don’t. Don’t do that. If you don’t feel what I feel, that’s one thing. But don’t tell me any more about how you leaving is for my own good. It’s not. You need me too. Jarred and Lucia need me.”
He snorted. “Do you hear yourself? You’re barely nineteen years old. You spend your life taking care of a dying old man, a drunk, and your nearly delinquent brother. You want to throw yourself into pack life on top of all of that? You want to take on mothering my children? Never mind the risk that puts you in. It’s no life for you. I’m not that selfish. Not anymore.”
“It’s up to me to decide what kind of life I want.”
Luke threw his head back and sighed. When he looked at me again, he was grinning. I took it as another stalemate.
“Come here,” he said. “It’s late. Lucia will be hell on wheels in the morning wanting to help you milk cows or run after chickens or kittens or whatever trouble you can keep her out of. I don’t want to argue with you. I just want to sleep.”
I dropped my shoulders, letting him placate me for now. I glared at him but let him take me back into his arms so he could spoon me again. Yawning, I was asleep practically before my head hit the pillow. On the edges of my mind, I swore I could hear him say, “Goodbye.”
* * *
“Patricia!”
My father’s voice reached my subconscious, exploding in my brain like a shotgun blast. I tumbled off the side of the bed and hit the floor in a tangle of shee
ts and my nightgown. Panicked, I rose expecting to see a half-naked man still sleeping in the bed beside me. But, Luke was gone.
A new kind of alarm filled me. Dad stood in the doorway with his hands on his hips. Sunlight pierced through the slats in my window. By the way it hung in the sky it had to be past ten o’clock. God, I’d overslept by about four hours.
“That’s right,” Dad said. “You can blame your brother. He said he was going to wake you up hours ago. Now, I don’t know where he’s run off to. He still needs to fix that fence. You think you can go find him? If I find out he’s run off with those hoodlums Gil Masur told me about, I’m going to skin him good and proper.”
“Hoodlums? What hoodlums?” I played dumb, but my father could see straight through it. He was already halfway down the hall.
I dressed quickly and tore out for the barn, my heart pounding. Where was Luke? God, had Lucia been waiting for me in the loft this whole time? She had to be starving.
But there was nobody in the barn except for the horses. The tabby kittens were long gone too. Worse than that, I couldn’t sense Luke or any of the rest of the pack. If my father came back down, he’d throw a fit if he knew I’d taken off again, but I had no choice.
I led Barney out of the paddock and mounted him bareback. There was no time for anything else. Lighting out for the cabin, my heart thundered in my throat. But, when I got there, my heart stopped and seemed to crack in two.
The cabin was abandoned again. There was no trace of Jarred, Lucia, or any of the rest of the pack. I kicked my heels and pointed Barney toward the lake. There was nothing there either but a pair of loons and the blowing grass.
That’s when Harold emerged from the woods riding Rascal. His somber expression tore my guts out.
“What’s going on?” I said past a dry throat.
“Don’t be mad,” he said.
“Why didn’t you wake me?!” I yelled.
“It happened when I was sleeping too.”
“What, Harold? What happened?” Except my shattered heart already told me the answer.
“Luke took the pack. They’re gone. All of them. Marcus came and told me less than an hour ago. He said to tell you Luke said he’s sorry but that you’d know why.”
“Bullshit!” I screamed, earning me a startled stare from my brother.
“Patsy, come on. Do you blame him?”
Barney got ornery and started to pull on his reins. I snapped them hard to still the horse. Harold came up alongside me. He reached over and took Barney’s bridle, pulling him so he stood shoulder to shoulder with Rascal.
“Patsy, there’s trouble coming. Luke doesn’t want it to come to Wild Lake. Neither do I. Neither do you if you’re thinking with your head. As much as I hate to see them go, and you know I do, this is for the best. We don’t belong in their world.”
Hot tears stung my eyes and I jerked my horse away from Harold. I dug my heels into Barney’s flanks and got him to run.
“Patsy! Where are you going?”
I didn’t know the answer to that. A desperate part of me wondered if I ever would again. Gone. Luke was gone. After everything we’d said to each other last night, he still wouldn’t stay. And so I ran, letting Barney pick up speed. But nothing could outrun the pain of my freshly broken heart.
Chapter Twelve
To everyone else on Wild Lake, the sky brightened and the dreary spring rain began to give way to the first glimpses of summer just around the corner. To me, it felt like the color went out of the world. It had all happened so quickly. Just two months ago, I thought I was content. I thought I knew my place. I would care for my grandfather, help run the farm, make sure Harold stayed out of trouble. Those were the things I’d promised my mother before she died and it had never occurred to me I’d want more than that. But now I did. Now, I imagined a life living on the edge of something wild and exciting and bigger than myself. As the days turned into weeks, with no sign of Luke or the pack, the hole in my heart seemed to grow.
Harold felt it too. We were both of us just going through the motions of our life. Harold at least finished the school year without ending up in juvenile hall for skipping. But, a light went out of him too. My father didn’t notice and I felt a new kinship with him. The magic left his heart when my mother died. He’d lived with that pain for over ten years now. It gutted me knowing at least a little of what he felt. As much as I resented having to grow up so fast, I could no longer blame him for acting the way he did.
“What a bunch of sad sacks you all are,” Grandpa said at dinner one night in the middle of June.
Harold squirmed in his chair and dropped a lump of mashed potatoes on his plate. My father clanged his fork hard against the table and pushed his chair back. “Don’t start, Grandpa.”
“No, Lloyd. Somebody needs to start. Your gloomy attitude is starting to rub off on these kids, I think. Even Patsy. Boy, I don’t think I’ve seen her smile in weeks.”
“You think that’s my fault?” Dad said. I opened my mouth to say something, but the two of them seemed to content to argue about me as if I weren’t even there.
“I don’t think. I know. You’ve been moping around here for years, and now they’ve finally started doing it. I can barely walk, my mind’s gone half the time, and I’ve got weird stuff growing off me in places you don’t even want to know about, but at least I can muster a smile on my face half the time. Time to snap out of it. All three of you. The sun’s shining and the lake’s high. No reason for long faces.”
My father rose from the table and stormed into the kitchen, slamming his plate into the sink.
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about,” he muttered.
* * *
“Don’t I? Didn’t I lose more than you in my life? I know you still miss Bess. I do too. I also miss your mother every day of my life, but you know what she’d do if she caught me lying around crying about it? She’d kick me in the ass, that’s what. I know you got a raw deal having to raise these kids up on your own. But you haven’t been. Patsy grew up the minute you put Bess in the ground. She’s kept Harold straight when you couldn’t be bothered. Well, enough, I say.”
My father whirled on my grandfather. His face seemed set in stone. The force of the words he wanted to say bubbled behind his forehead, making him wince with keeping silent. Instead, his cheeks turned red and he walked out the back door, slamming it behind him. Letting out a sigh, I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew that look. We all did. It meant we probably wouldn’t see Dad for a day or two.
“Don’t go after him this time,” Grandpa said.
“He could hurt himself.” I gave him a weary look that made Grandpa’s eye snap open.
It was Grandpa’s turn to slam his fist down on the table. “Then so be it. You can’t keep holding his water, Patsy. Now, why don’t the two of you do something in town tonight? You’re young. It’s the weekend. See a movie. Hang out with your friends. Hell, make some friends.”
I tossed my napkin onto my plate. “And who’s going to be here with you with Dad running off to who knows where?”
My grandfather’s crooked smile warmed me. “Patsy, you worry too damn much. I’m not saying I don’t need looking after from time to time. But, I can manage on my own for one evening. Go out. Make some trouble. Just don’t make too much trouble. Be young for once. You might enjoy it.”
I reached across the table and put my hand on his. “You’re too smart for your own good sometimes.”
“Oh, I suppose that’s true. So listen to me. And happy birthday, honey pie.”
His words hit me like a punch in the gut. My birthday. I hadn’t even realized. I was nineteen years old today.
“You’re the same age as your grandma was when I married her,” Grandpa said, his eyes sparkling with memory. “Louise was the prettiest girl I ever saw until you came along. You remind me of her more and more every day.”
“I love you, Grandpa.”
I came around the table and hugged him. Harold h
ad a sheepish grin on his face. It was okay that he hadn’t remembered either. I stuck my tongue out at him then forced a smile.
“Now git,” Grandpa said. “I’m fed. The TV’s working. I don’t need a babysitter.”
I didn’t want to go. I just wanted to curl up with a book and fall asleep early. But, something about Grandpa’s face told me he’d brook no argument. Maybe he was right. Maybe a little fresh air and a change of scenery would help.
Peering out the front window, I saw the pickup still parked in front of the barn. Dad either lit out on foot or took one of the horses.
“Come on,” Harold said. “A group of us were going to meet at the drive-in. There’s a double feature playing with Abbott & Costello and McHale’s Navy. One of them’s bound to be good.”
“A group of us? Harold, I’m not so desperate as to need to hang out with your crew.”
“Some of them are your crew too, smarty pants. You know Willie Jr. is sweet on you. He’s always there.”
The idea of spending time with Willie Gaither, Jr. or any other boy from Wild Lake turned my stomach. Still, maybe Grandpa was right. I knew Harold was, though it pained me to admit. There would always be a group of kids my age at the drive-in on a Saturday night. I hadn’t been in over a year. I could pretend to enjoy myself. Maybe.
“Give me five minutes,” I said. I pulled on a pair of jeans and loafers, then tied up my hair. I knew I looked like the farm girl I was. Other girls my age dressed more daring. I just couldn’t. I tied my checkered top in a knot above my waist. Harold had already made it outside and laid on the horn.
“You better git!” Grandpa yelled. “That boy’s itching to drive.”
“Like hell!” I ran out the front door as fast as I could. Harold revved the engine. With my ponytail flying, I pulled the driver’s side door open. “No way. You’re not sixteen for two more months, mister. Move over.”
“Aw, come on. Nobody’s gonna stop us. Plus, I drive better than you do.”