It was their Captain, Stiers, who was the last to bite the dust as far as sleep was concerned. It was his responsibility to get them back home and he felt responsible for Ogden and both his young charges. They all had reasons for wanting to be back in their own time yet deep down he felt this would merely result in their premature deaths. The suggestion they remain here and try to persuade Earth to better prepare was not a foolish one – not that they would live long enough to learn the result with most of them dying before they were born so to speak. The Captain had a wife, whom he loved dearly, and three children – two young boys and a girl – whom he loved at least as much if not more. He was 35, Ogden was 58, Ramirez was 26 and Gowan was 22. They all still had lots of life remaining given the chance. Stiers knew he had to find a way to give them and Earth a chance against the horrible future he knew awaited.
He thought of his wife with her auburn hair and exotic smile, and his children with their faces beaming whenever they saw him – the way they would all demand to be picked up at once and hugged, his daughter most of all. When he was home with his family he knew then he was in the real world. As an former US Navy pilot he had been honoured to be offered a place in the emergency craft that Fleet cobbled together from around the globe. They were all experienced and well-trained but with no knowledge of against what. All Stiers knew, was that he would die if necessary to protect the way of life he knew. He was aware peace overtures had been made when the aliens had first been spotted by Earth probes and every offer had been sent back mangled and twisted. Water was not uncommon in space – comets were full of it and many planets held it frozen – but only Earth had it flowing and on tap as it were. It was too valuable a resource to be held by humans and Stiers was aware that was the thinking behind the set attitude of the aliens. They had no name for the visitors. In fact, apart from their openly hostile actions while watching Earth from deep in space, they had not communicated in any way. They apparently considered themselves superior.
Stiers heard Ogden finally retire and tried to grab some shuteye himself as he had been the longest without rest. What eventually made him relax was one thought. They were not exactly pressed for time. Although there was pressure to return to their own environment, time was on their side – about a century of it.
Finally the soothing light overcame his fierce thoughts and he too slumbered.
CHAPTER FOUR
Ogden was first to come back on duty after the wake-up system operated the alarms. The ship computer warmed up water, switched on redundant electrics and sought our nearby streams but of the latter there were none.
Stiers and Gowan entered the bridge at about the same time while Ramirez poured himself in last and still yawning. “Hold that dog, I’ve a throat like a frog,” he said.
“And a face also,” said Gowan, adding, “I had a nightmare. I dreamt we had been swept back in time after meeting huge, ugly aliens and are stuck on a previous Earth.”
“Just your imagination,” said Ramirez reassuringly. “Oh, no it isn’t. It really happened, Gowan. Discounting Paunchy and the Captain, I’m the last man remaining from your own time. Looks like our future is secure together.”
“You don’t need me, Ramirez. Not when you spend so much time with your hand on that appendage you like fussing over.”
“You’ll come running eventually.”
“You don’t understand women. Some of us can go years without sex.”
“I would have to ask Ogden about that,” said Ramirez.
“I can see I’m going to have to split the herd,” said Stiers. “Gowan, you do a visual inspection of the ship to ensure the sensors have missed nothing. You, Ramirez, scout outside. Do a perimeter search for 200 metres from the ship. Ogden, search for water using the sensors. We may as well top up while we’re here.”
The craft was quite capable of recycling all moisture on board into drinking water. The generators were refrigeration cooled as were the tiny reactors. Captains liked to top their freshwater tanks as often as possible. This was the same reassurance that old sailing ship Captain’s experienced when checking whether or not there was adequate sail and timber on board their vessel to cover any essential repairs. Ogden was anxious to begin reviewing the tapes but he realised the Captain was taking things in the correct order. They would have a hundred years to look at what had happened to them.
“If we encounter people we are going to require alternative apparel, Captain,” said Ogden. “We cannot appear in our Fleet uniforms.”
“Good thinking,” said Stiers. “When you have completed the water search, check the computer records for what people are wearing these days.”
“Top hats would be popular, I imagine.”
“I think my hat will be fine,” said the Captain. “I am not planning on attending any ballroom dancing or sophisticated nightclubs.”
“I shall search out something appropriate,” said Ogden.
“Are you suited up yet, Gowan?”
“Almost, Captain.”
“Are you still here, Ramirez?”
“Geez. I haven’t even taken a piss yet.”
“You’re in the middle of the desert. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of opportunities for that. Have a fun slash, knowing you won’t be drinking it next week. We’ll join you shortly.”
“Aye, aye, Captain. On my way.”
Ramirez opened the portal and left the ship. The opening sealed behind him as Gowan disappeared below. Stiers heard her low cursing as the suit knocked against things. She was back within 30 minutes having run secondary meters over everything and given what visual inspections she could. She recycled her suit and stood in her underwear to dress again. Stiers did not notice and Ogden averted his gaze as he usually did.
They continued their tasks until sensors picked up a disturbance outside. The portal opened and Ramirez threw himself in squawking in a panic. “Snake,” he said. “They have snakes here. One bit me on the ass.”
“What were you doing?” asked Ogden.
“Never mind that. I’m about to die. Gowan, you are going to have to suck my ass.”
“Oh, nice try, Buster.”
“I’m serious. A poisonous snake bit me on the ass. You’ll have to suck the poison out.”
“Did you identify the snake?” asked Ogden.
“Oh sure. I asked it out for a date and met the family while I was there. Of course I didn’t stop to ask the thing its breed.”
“Where was this?” asked Ogden. “I’ll need to find it to we can select the correct anti-venom.”
“A hundred metres, bearing one-nine-five. There are some latrines there. I used the centre one to take a dump. The snake bit me when my pants were down and I went to stand up.”
“I’ll go,” said Ogden and left through the open portal.
Ramirez continued to look around and wail. Gowan said, “Don’t look at me. I am only the deputy assistant medical officer.”
“I can’t suck my own ass and you’re my deputy,” said Ramirez.
“Drop your pants,” said Gowan. “Let’s have a look at your little blemish.” Ramirez did as he was told and faced Gowan naked from the waist down. “I was expecting your dong to be at least a foot long,” she said.
“I’ve been killed by a snake. It’s bound to shrivel,” he said.
In truth Gowan thought the view was more than adequate. “If it bit your ass, that is what I need to see,” she insisted.
“I’m sorry. I’ll turn round.” Ramirez did this and Gowan pushed at his back so he bent over somewhat. She pulled on thin gloves from the console drawer and probed at his buttocks still she found one spot that was bleeding. She pressed at it. “Ah, ouch,” said Ramirez. “See, I told you this was genuine.”
“Strange,” said Gowan. “It only seems to have got you with one fang.”
“Never mind that. Start sucking – please,” pressed Ramirez. “I don’t want to die out here, useless.”
Gowan used a laser knife to cut small incisions above and b
elow the pinprick of blood and applied her lips, sucking hard and spitting the fluid into a recycleable container she kept on her console. “You don’t know how humiliating this is,” she muttered between sucks. “I don’t even know how long I’m supposed to go on for.”
“Till it’s all out,” said Stiers, “though to be honest I would have used the automatic kit we keep in Medical. You just press that on and the machine does the sucking.”
“I forgot that,” she said. “Damn, I’ll get it now.”
“Too late,” said the Captain. “Anyhow, the boy looks like he’s enjoying it.”
“There is nothing enjoyable about dying,” said Ramirez. “Dammit, Gowan, don’t bite so hard.”
“Just be grateful it bit you there. There’s no way I would have done this round the front.”
There were footsteps at the portal and Ogden entered carrying something long, curled and colourfully crisscrossed in his hand.
“Keep that away from me,” said Ramirez. “Is it dead?”
“It’s about as dead as a piece of latrine flush pipe can be,” said Ogden.
Gowan stopped sucking. “What?” she exclaimed.
“It has an old wire protruding from one end where it has torn away from it’s fixings,” said Ogden. “I suspect that is your fang.”
“You mean I’ve been sucking Ramirez’s ass because he caught it on a piece of wire?”
“It seems so,” said Ogden. “Is this like your snake, Ramirez?”
“Could be,” said Ramirez sheepishly.
“You disgusting toad,” said Gowan. “You can patch that yourself.” She sat back and glowered malevolently. “I can’t believe I just had my face in your rear end.”
“Neither can I. No complaints though,” he said. “But I honestly thought I had been bitten.”
“Please be kind enough never to speak to me again.”
“You showed the right spirit, Gowan.”
“Did you hear what I just said?”
“This hose and those latrines are quite interesting,” said Ogden. “I shall run some tests on it, with your permission, Captain.”
“Check it for rabies if it touched Ramirez,” said Gowan. “Better check me also.”
“It may be that I am incorrect, but I feel women have touched men’s buttocks with their lips – and vice versa – for many, many generations without experiencing any ill effects,” said Ogden.
“Go ahead and check that hose then tell me what you think,” said the Captain. “Now I have had all the sex I can handle in one day so if you two dudes, Gowan and Ramirez, could keep your hands off one another for a while, I’ll be grateful, partners.”
“I still can’t believe I kissed that thing,” said Gowan.
“You kissed it?” said a surprised Ramirez.
“You know what I mean, thimbledick. I actually had my lips against it, sucking.”
“We’re almost even,” said Ramirez. “I’ve seen your titties and you’ve seen my ass. That sounds fair.”
“I’ve seen the other bits too – and before lunch,” she said. “I don’t know if I can eat now.”
“You’ll get your appetite back – for food and for me,” said Ramirez.
“Why don’t you pull your pants up and cover that thing? I’ve seen enough moonrises.”
Ramirez suddenly realised he was naked from the waist down and pulled his apparel up loosely and went to the medical room where he could spray on a repair for his cut skin.
“You did a brave thing,” Stiers told Gowan. “There are many snakes where sucking out the poison can be lethal to the person sucking. Didn’t you know that?”
“No,” said Gowan and shook her head.
“Strange,” said the Captain. “It was covered adequately in our medical training.”
“I must have forgotten,” she explained. Ogden smiled gently and did not believe her. She was, after all, the kind of girl who made an older man think of romance and lovemaking once again. It was comforting to know his colleagues would risk sacrificing their own lives to save that of a colleague.
He continued with his analysis of the pipe and searched through computer records for latrines. Ogden was a man who liked to be certain before opening his mouth. At times like this he modelled himself on the great fictional detective Philo Vance and like to have all the facts at hand before making any pronouncement.
Ramirez came back in and smiled at everybody generally. “I feel a fool,” he said.
“Yeah, and I just sucked the ass of one,” said Gowan.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. There, now I won’t have to say it again.” He paused. “Still, it wasn’t all bad for you, was it?”
Gowan gripped her holoball so tightly her knuckles whitened but she said nothing in reply. Ogden interrupted them and Stiers sighed. He had been hoping to review the recordings of their ‘incident’. Ogden said, “There is something peculiar about the latrines and this hose, Captain.”
“It’s okay, Ogden. We’ll use the ship’s own.”
“That is not what I meant, sir.”
The use of that word ‘sir’ froze the Captain in his tracks because it meant Ogden was about to say something very serious and important indeed. “So tell me,” said Stiers.
“They really shouldn’t be here, Captain.”
“I agree. They’ve been dumped in the middle of the desert,” said Ramirez.
“Yeah, and they’re full of snakes that bite your backside,” said Gowan. “The well-known but rarely encountered flexible, diamondback flushing pipe snake.”
“Look…”
“Dangerous as hell. Ask anyone who has encountered one.”
“Look…”
“Sends grown men screaming about ‘certain death’.”
“Look…”
“Probably the most dangerous wildlife round here,” finished Gowan.
“Look,” said Ramirez and gave up. “Forget it.”
“You going to show that bite to your mummy?” asked Gowan.
“I don’t need to – seeing as how you already kissed it better.”
“If I ever see any of your bits again, Ramirez, I pray I have a knife in my hand at the time.”
“I believe we’ll allow Ogden to finish,” said Stiers firmly. “Okay, about this pipe…”
Ogden said, “It will help to know a bit about the history of latrines. They began to grow in popularity back in the 1950s on construction sites where portable WCs were needed. Activities grew and latrines began to pop up at swap meets, pop and rock concerts and so on. In fact, wherever large numbers of people gather, latrines were needed. Originally they were plumbed in to a temporary water and sewage supply – easy on building sites where they stood long term – but not so easy where their use was of a very short duration. They would come with their own water supply and later, chemical WCs that required no water.
“This type of hose is from a type of closet known as an auto-recycler. It is a primitive version of what we use on this ship. Water – or gas - is stored in a tank in the roof and a pipe leads down from this sending the mixture in the tank down to flush the bowl. The entire mess – if you will pardon the phrase – is then driven into a recycling tank where the gasses and water are extracted for re-usage and passed back into the tank and the waste product itself is superheated and ejected as ash from the rear. This ash is toxically safe and is blown away by the slightest breeze.”
“Nothing soggy in the modern boggie,” said Ramirez. “Thanks for the history lesson, Paunchy. Can we get back to work now?”
“Carry on,” Stiers said to Ogden.
“I have indentified this hose as coming from the Ozal 11-20,” said Ogden. “The hose has aluminium wires running through and some copper. This is for electronic signalling and for strength. The markings of the hose are distinctive.”
“If this is to make me feel bad about what happened – I do,” said Ramirez. “There is no point in going on with this.”
“There is, and you will listen,�
� said Ogden. Ramirez sighed and sat back. “This particular hose design,” continued Ogden, “was in use for only a short time. To be precise – the years 2069 to 2086.”
Gowan was fastest. “Are you saying we are not back in time as far as we originally thought? But the star charts…”
“No,” said Ramirez, suddenly interested. “Ogden is about to tell us something else.”
“Yes,” said Ogden. “I told you about Professor Titiana Lillishenger who was experimenting in 2084 close to this site with high energy cloaking. She was vaporised, along with the latrines set up at that site. I have checked the records and the latrines that were vaporised were identical to the ones Ramirez found.”
“Ah,” said Gowan. “You are surmising they were blasted back in time by the decloaking machine.”
“It happened to us,” said Ogden. “The latrines are tilted enough and worn sufficiently to suggest they have been her for a decade.”
“So is there a point to this?” asked Ramirez. “I mean, is there a reward for finding the darn things?”
“They weren’t vaporised as had been suspected,” said Stiers. “Doesn’t that create a paradox?”
“In what way?” asked Gowan.
“The Captain means,” said Ramirez, “surely if they had been blown back in time, they would have still been there when this Tittyhanger woman had set up her experiment. In fact, they would have been on the very same spot.”
“It is my belief they will have dissipated in sandstorms within two decades,” said Ogden. “They are of a very temporary nature and not well fabricated at all. Nothing of these will remain when the Professor sets up her experiment in the future.”
“I see,” said Stiers.
Gowan said, “Outside cameras are showing a man in the distance, close to the latrines and throwing sand at things.”
“Throwing sand?” said Ogden. “How peculiar.”
“A loony,” said Ramirez.
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