“How do you know I’m married?”
“Wedding ring,” she replied. “Now wasn’t there talk of food and drink?”
“You go, Gowan,” said Ramirez. “You girls can talk about dishwashing and about how bad your periods are.”
“Keep a civil tongue, young man,” said the Professor. “Don’t just sit there. Go and prepare food. What can this craft supply in the way of culinary delicacies?”
“Mostly tortillas,” said Ramirez. “We can offer fake chicken or beef with a sort of cheese, soggy rice and pulverised refried beans.”
“It’s good,” said Stiers. “And there’s a vegetarian option also.”
“And what would that be?” she asked.
“It’s a regular tortilla burrito without the fake chicken or beef.”
“Start cooking,” said Lillishenger. “I’ll have a vegetarian burrito with salsa and cream cheese or whatever substitutes for those. And a coffee – no milk.”
“If you don’t have heart trouble now, you soon will,” said Ramirez but obeyed the command before really thinking about why.
“I’m sure Ogden will fix any troubles with my heart,” said the Professor.
“It occurs to me that in the articles I read when signing for this mission, there was no paragraph concerning required duties as a lover,” said Ogden.
“Enjoy yourself, Ogden. We’ll soon have that paunch under control.” From the galley they heard Ramirez guffaw.
“It’s almost a sin, Ogden getting thin,” he chuckled.
“As Captain, I shall decide what to do about our guest,” said Stiers. “It’s my responsibility to protect this crew and return to our time. To that end I am offering the Professor the opportunity to become a member of this crew as a junior officer.”
“Fine,” she said.
“What about sleeping quarters?” asked Gowan. “We have only four cabins.”
“She can double up with you,” said Stiers. “Anyway, you may be working different shifts.”
“There’s hardly room for me,” muttered Gowan.
“I’ll double up with Ogden,” suggested the Professor.
Ogden seemed unusually grim at the thought. “I hardly think…” he began.
“We have a history, Daniel. A long time ago…”
“…or in the future…” interrupted Ramirez.
“…but a history nevertheless. Then you met Syra and married her.”
“And I had many wonderful years till she died.”
“Not that many. Didn’t she die giving birth to your second child?”
Ogden nodded steadily and thoughtfully. “You and I had a brief but wonderful time,” admitted Ogden. “But Syra was my soulmate. There has been no other woman since her death.”
“That has to be almost twenty years,” said Lillishenger. “You are even more in need of sex than I am.”
“I devoted myself to my children. That is why I am here now, serving with Fleet.”
“I didn’t think you got your job on your looks,” said the Professor. In the galley, Ramirez chuckled again. “Anyway, needs must, and if we can get that thing working I fully plan to make use of it again.”
“Are you sure he’s your man?” asked Ramirez from the galley. “I mean he actually looked away when Gowan popped her tits out yesterday.”
“I didn’t pop them out,” she retorted. “I was answering the alarm. Anyway, did you really look away, Ogden?” He nodded sheepishly. “I can see what you like about him, Professor. He’s the perfect gentleman unlike Ramirez here who looks and thinks like a six foot penis.”
“Hey,” said Ramirez. “Ogden’s the one who is bald – not me.”
“My mission is all about running this ship,” said Stiers. “Personally I hope you all manage to keep your hands off one another, but I shall turn a blind eye to your nocturnal activities unless it affects the running of this ship – or my sleep. Well, Professor, do you want to join this crew?”
“I have little choice,” she said.
“Then get out of those togs and into a uniform. That machine will scan your measurements and make one for you. For the time being you can make accommodation in the cargo bay. It’s small, but larger than the cabins.”
“Okay.”
“It’s ‘aye, Captain’ if you are acknowledging me and ‘aye, aye, Captain’ if you are obeying an order.”
“Aye, aye, Captain,” she said and muttered something under her breath about the military. Then she stripped off all her clothes and stood before the scanner. Ramirez was amazed at how young her body looked. Gowan stared at how youthful she seemed. Ogden also looked and this time with a rapt stare.
Stiers coughed politely and said, “You don’t need to strip for these scanners. They can read through your clothes.”
Lillishenger shrugged. “I expect we’ll all see each others bits at some point anyway. These are mine and I have no plans to change them.”
“No,” whispered Ogden. “Please don’t.”
As she dressed quickly in the manufactured uniform the Professor turned her attention to Ramirez. “You say you encountered a snake?”
“I’d rather we didn’t talk about it.”
“Luckily, we carried the correct anti-venom,” tittered Gowan.
“You have snake bite serum on board?” said Lillishenger. “There aren’t many snakes out in space, are there?”
“Just the one I know of,” said Gowan and glared at Ramirez.
“Seriously – why serum?”
Medical is stuffed with all sorts,” said the Captain. “I think it is more to do with survival in case we have to crash land on Earth somewhere. There are still places where it can take an hour or two for help to reach.”
The Professor adjusted her uniform which showed that not only did she have a figure, but a petite one also. She said, “It fits well.”
“Thank the designers who made certain there wasn’t a Star Trek Next Generation blouson hitch down,” said Gowan. “You can stand up, sit down, and stand up again in that one without having to tug it back in place.”
“I never did enjoy that series,” said Ramirez. Two dimensional – which I suppose they all were back then – and a bald-headed Limey in charge. Nothing personal, Ogden.”
“That’s perfectly all right, Ramirez,” said Ogden. “He was supposedly French. I was trying to recall the name of that Hispanic character in it.”
“There wasn’t one,” said Ramirez and regretted not seeing the trap in time.
“No, there wasn’t, was there?” agreed Ogden. “In fact, I don’t recall a Hispanic regular in any of the series.”
“They were all afraid of snakes,” said Gowan and laughed.
“Look…” said Ramirez.
“Especially the backside biting Mojave flusher,” chuckled Ogden.
“Look…”
“And certainly the diamondback latrine dweller,” said Gowan.
“Look…”
“Not to mention the single fanged pipe snake.”
“Look…” said Ramirez and gave up. “I’m going to the galley to get the food. Meanwhile I hope that when I return you have all been attacked by a nest of scorpions and can’t reach Medical without my help.”
“What’s going on?” asked Lillishenger.
“It will be my pleasure to explain later,” said Ogden.
Ramirez left for the galley area and Stiers turned to Ogden. “I think we should review the recordings.”
“I think we should wait for Ramirez’s input. He is quite sharp and may see things my older eyes and ears miss. It would be my recommendation to move to the Professor’s workshop and continue from there when we are safe.”
“Good point, Ogden. It shall be as you say. We’ll eat then rendezvous there. The professor can start soon and we’ll move as soon as it is dark.”
“It’s nice to meet another American,” said Gowan. “Ogden is English, the Captain is a cowboy and Ramirez is of dubious origins.”
“I’m Austrian,�
�� said the Professor, “although I have lived here most of my adult life – which apparently hasn’t yet begun. A decade of mixing here with the locals, plus the previous decade here, has disguised my accent.”
“Do you have family?”
“No. Ogden broke my heart many years ago.”
There was distinct laughter from the galley and Ramirez said, “The only way Paunchy could break anybody’s heart is if he fell on it.”
“Hold your tongue, imbecile,” said Lillishenger. “You should have seen him at his prime – so slender with flowing locks of unkempt hair…”
“Are we talking about the same Ogden?” asked Ramirez, coming back to the bridge. “Are you sure you’re not suffering from time sickness or something weird? I mean, no disrespect, but look at him. If he painted a dot on the top of his head you would think we were being invaded by some form of penisaurus – one that had wrapped itself around too many hamburgers.”
“Treasure your youth,” snapped the Professor. “It won’t last forever.”
“I hope it lasts longer than sixty years. Anyway, brunch is ready on the galley table which only has four seats and a jump seat which I have unfolded.”
“I’m small enough to be happy on the jump seat,” said the Professor.
“It won’t actually jump you,” said Ramirez. “Only you were saying how sex starved you are.”
“Let’s chow,” said Stiers and was first in the galley. The food was unspectacular and comprised a coffee substitute with tortillas made from powdered food, dried eggs, artificial bacon bits, a red sauce purporting to be salsa and some green squidgy stuff posing as guacamole. The Captain helped himself to coffee and a tortilla and ate heartily but with the reservation of somebody who has also tasted real food.
“I suppose it is marginally more appetising than a snake bite,” said Ogden and Gowan nearly choked on her coffee.
“Stop talking about snake bites unless you plan to explain yourselves,” said Lillishenger.
Gowan explained, “Ramirez got himself snakebitten.”
“Yeah,” said Ramirez. “And Gowan kissed my ass.” He ducked and narrowly avoided the slap intended to chafe the cheek of his face.
After their meal Gowan set co-ordinates under the guidance of the Professor and the two of them set off to walk to her truck. Lillishenger had calculated a four hour drive but promised to fetch food from the only diner in the nearest town. Ogden sighed as they left and Ramirez sniggered to himself. Then the three men performed an outside inspection and testing of sensors and chameleon cells, only two of which needed to be replaced. The dead ones were put into the 3D recycler for remanufacture as spares. The men performed their tasks with care and precision.
“So how did you know Professor Lillyhanger?” Ramirez asked Ogden.
“It was a long time ago.”
“Not from here. It hasn’t yet happened. Even you aren’t that old.”
“You are correct, Ramirez. I have yet to be born.”
“I expect the world can hold it’s breath. So how did you know her? She’s an old flame, right?”
Ogden nodded and said, “Yes. My one true love apart from my late wife.”
“If it is any comfort, your wife has yet to be born.”
Ogden stopped the work he was doing and faced Ramirez. A rare smile struck his face and ricocheted away. “That is some comfort,” he said.
“I think you weren’t being honest with us,” Ramirez pressed. “You mentioned you had met the prof a couple of times. It seems to have been more than that.”
“It was,” said Ogden dreamily. “We were up at Oxford together although I was ahead. She had come in under a special scheme for bright young people. We were six years apart in age then.”
“And probably still are,” suggested Ramirez. “So you met up and got her interested in your lovestick?”
“That is not precisely the phraseology I would use.”
“What would you say?”
“She had long hair then too. Not like the cropped fashions and wigs of today…”
“…and the eighteenth century…”
“…and she was amazingly intelligent. I was no slacker, you understand, but Titiana had a brain you could only worship for its acuity.”
“Her body isn’t that bad either. Her tits still look good and her ass is still tight.”
“I really rather would not discuss that.”
“All we do is talk about it,” said Ramirez. “But go on.”
“We went out and became – er – lovers.”
“You slipped it to her?”
“We engaged in a mutually beneficial and desirable sharing of our bodies.”
“You slipped it to her. How long did this go on?”
“We were together for two years until I was offered a lucrative and interesting post in Australia. I assumed Titiana would come with me, but alas she chose to remain at Oxford and continue her studies. She was achieving remarkable breakthroughs.”
“Then what?”
“She joined the American space programme and I returned to England where I met the woman I would marry.”
“Syra?”
“Yes. We have two children – both grown up now of course. You don’t have children for very long, Ramirez. Just a few short years then when they reach eight or nine they would rather be with their friends. But every second with them is precious. I had to bring up our daughter and the older boy unaided – although their grandmother helped. Those are the most precious years of my life.”
“Lend me your sleeve.”
“Why?”
“I forgot to bring a hanky,” said Ramirez.
“Last time you used it to wipe your nose,” said Ogden.
“I did not,” protested Ramirez then saw the humour in the eyes of the Englishman. “Darn it, Ogden. I’m not used to jokes from you.”
“I believe we have completed this section,” said Ogden. “We should move on.”
Ramirez thought long and hard. “Are we going to get back, Ogden? Back to our own time.”
“Now Titiana is here, I believe we will not only return safely but win against the aliens. You will see your family again.”
“You’re a comfort, Paunchy.”
If Stiers could have poked his head round the corner, he would have, but as the craft had no outside corners he was obliged to stroll into view. “Are you two suddenly getting along?” he asked.
“No chance,” said Ramirez.
“Most certainly not,” said Ogden.
“Good. I’d hate not to know where I stood. Lilleshenger estimated her time to reach home at about four hours and 15 minutes. By the time we have located the co-ordinates and laid in our final approach, it will take us about twenty seconds. However, we’ll travel slow and keep a black silhouette – say two minutes in all. We’ll finish up here within the hour which should give us another hour to look at recycling damaged parts and carrying our routine replacements of items that wear – not that there are many of them.”
“Holy Geez, knock my knees,” said Ramirez. “That’s a long speech for a cowpuncher.”
“You seem overly anxious to keep us shipshape,” said Ogden. “Not that I’m complaining.”
“I don’t intend to be caught out by anything,” said the Captain. “And I don’t want anybody figuring we’re on some kind of vacation. We need to be working two or three times as hard as normal on a way to recover our situation.”
“Recover our situation!” exclaimed Ramirez. “You’ve been sitting too close to Ogden.
“The English language is a complex joy,” said Ogden. “You should not endure chagrin if people elect to speak it in the correct manner.”
“Three hundred and fifty million people speak it like me,” said Ramirez. About two hundred speak it like you. I think I’m with the majority here.”
“You have usurped and corrupted the language.”
“No, Ogden.” Ramirex raised a finger. “No. Americans have modified the language. Any American
talking to another American can understand what the other is saying. Outside your university you are an alien in your own country.”
“A pity it is so,” agreed Ogden. “It gives me no great satisfaction to admit the accuracy of your statement.”
“When you boys get round to speaking a language where I can join in, let me know,” said Stiers. “Meantime I’m heading inside for some coffee.”
After he had left to go inside the ship, Ramirez and Ogden continued with their repairs and inspection. Finally Ramirez said, “Did you just have a fling with Tittenshagger or was it real love. And where does your wife fit in?”
Ogden paused what he was doing and studied the younger man, at his open, honest face. Despite all the taunting, he liked Ramirez whom he considered knowledgeable and hardworking. His courage was yet to be fully tested but Ogden had high hopes for him. He said, I was much younger when I fell in love with Titiana. It was as real as love can be at that age. When I met my wife, Syra, it was different. Being with her, even deep in a snowstorm, was like being at home and sitting by an open fire in the hearth, listening to the wood crackle as it burned and sipping at fresh hot chocolate or blackcurrant cordial.
“When she came into my life I realised that at last I was fully born into the world. I never had to ask her if she loved me and never had to tell her – although I did daily – how much I loved her. When we had our first child she worked out extensively beforehand and subsequently in order to keep her figure as attractive for me as she could. We loved that boy so much we could not wait to have another. I cannot tell you, Ramirez, how easy it would have been to hate that little baby girl for the death of her mother, however wrong I know that would have been. When I picked up that tiny, pink, gurgling thing in a blanket, I saw Syra’s eyes in hers, and her smile and her love. I was smitten.
“Death leaves strange traces – an empty chair, nobody to share a cup of tea and chat with, the unread parts of an online newspaper, the touch of a fingertip and so on. Then I realised she had left me the best gift of all – part of herself in the shape of our little girl. That child took over the hold her mother had held on my heart and this is what lead me through the miserable overgrowth of death.”
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