The glances her husband and Erin had shared at all those dinners, the way Erin always seemed to be phoning him up about one thing or another that needed fixing in her house, or to talk about Heather and Darrell’s wedding preparations. Joy had remained mute as they’d had long discussions over what photographer to use, whether the event should be videoed, which caterer was the best. They’d even picked Langely Art Gallery as the place to get the invites printed. The only thing Joy had been allowed to do was order them. They must have been laughing at her the whole time. She cringed when she thought of that meal with Erin and her friends. How dare the woman invite her over and humiliate her like that? The poor deluded wife who was so naive as to think her marriage was good.
And how could Eddie do that to her? Joy gripped the armrests tight and gritted her teeth. She’d always thought that if she found out her husband was cheating she would crumble, fall apart. But she hadn’t. Instead she had done the same back to Eddie and had sex with Lewis, and though what she’d done with Lewis had been fuelled by the hurt Eddie had caused her, she didn’t regret it – not for an instant.
She suddenly felt uncomfortably aware of Lewis sitting next to her, the brush of his arm against hers on the armrest, and the warmth of his body so near to hers. Her thoughts strayed to how it might feel for him to touch her again and she realised she wanted to relive that night under the stars.
She tried to push the thought out of her mind. Lewis was on a mission to find the woman of his dreams. He’d made it clear that this woman Marnie was the love of his life. Whereas she and him were no more than a travelling fellowship. But realising that Lewis wasn’t interested in her made her so much more relaxed. She could just prattle on and not care if he got irritated, like Eddie would. She waited for Lewis to snap at her, but his ‘shut up’ never came. Instead, he seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say and asked her questions about plants. She told him more about her dreams for Hummingbird Nurseries, and how she wanted to create bespoke desert gardens for her clients.
‘You should do it when you get back to Arizona,’ he said.
‘Will you hire me if I do?’ she asked boldly.
He looked a little cagey. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘If you find Marnie you won’t come back to Scottsdale.’
‘It depends.’
He looked at her, and she wasn’t sure what to read in his eyes.
London, 13 April 1967, 10.06 p.m.
Lewis stood in the restaurant lobby, telephone in hand, looking out the French doors. On the other side of the brick walls of the Kensington roof gardens was the real world. Yet he was so high up that he felt like he was in an oasis in the sky. All of life was going on below him; all the filth and the pain; all of what was happening for Lizzie. But for once he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to be his sister’s keeper, not tonight. But he had no choice. There was less than a year between them, but Lewis had always tried to replace their dead father.
‘Lizzie, it’s Lewis.’
‘Hi.’ But the voice was not his sister’s. ‘This is Sammy, Lizzie’s friend.’
‘Is my sister there? Can I talk to her?’
‘She’s here, but she can’t talk to you.’ Sammy’s voice was shaky. ‘She’s taken some stuff and it’s making her crazy.’
‘What stuff? Has she smoked too much?’ he whispered, aware of the receptionist’s beady glare behind him. What state was Lizzie in if she couldn’t talk on the phone?
‘I guess she has. And she’s drunk. She keeps going on and on that she has to tell you something. That it’s really important.’
Lewis groaned. He wasn’t falling for that line again. This was what Lizzie always did when she’d had too much to drink, and always when he had an important work event. Getting Sammy to talk to him was just another ploy to add to the drama.
‘I’m sorry, Sammy, but I’m at a very important business dinner. I can’t walk out.’
‘I can’t handle her on my own,’ Sammy begged him.
‘What about your friend, Jim? Isn’t he there with you both?’
‘He’s just fanning the flames. He’s no use.’
‘Well, put her to bed . . . tell her I’ll come as soon as I can.’
‘She won’t settle down . . . I can’t handle this . . .’ Sammy’s voice was sounding a little hysterical. ‘You gotta come!’
The American girl was probably in nearly as bad a state as his sister. Lewis chewed his lip. Damn Lizzie. She was always crying wolf. He couldn’t walk out on this dinner. George could fire him. He would lose the partnership at the very least. They still hadn’t made their pitch to Rex. But how could he turn his back on his sister? What if this time she was in trouble for real?
‘Look, I’ll come as soon as I can.’
‘Thank you,’ Sammy whispered, subdued now. ‘I’m sorry about ruining your fancy dinner.’
‘It’s okay. Just try to get some coffee into her. It sounds like you could do with a cup too. Sit tight.’
He handed the phone back to the receptionist, taking his cigarettes out and sticking one between his lips. He didn’t know what the hell to do.
He flicked his Zippo open and lit the cigarette, his brain ticking over, looking at the lights of London.
‘Are you all right?’ It was Marnie. She touched his arm. ‘Is something wrong?’
‘It’s my sister.’ He took another pull on his cigarette. ‘She’s in trouble.’
Marnie put her arm through his and guided him over to the side, by the front door of the restaurant, where they couldn’t be seen by their group. She pulled his cigarette from between his lips and took a drag on it. Her scent was intoxicating. He wanted to bury himself inside of her and forget about everything else.
‘Lizzie’s taken some drugs, nothing heavy just too much marijuana. She’s with this American girl, and she can’t cope. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Can you not just take off?’
‘George will be furious with me. I could lose my job over it.’
Marnie looked pensive. She finished the cigarette, crushing it out in an ashtray by the desk.
‘I was going to tell him about you tonight,’ he said, flicking the flint of his Zippo against the wheel, feeling the heat of the tiny flame on his fingertip. ‘I thought he’d take it better with a few drinks in him.’
‘Tonight?’
‘Yes, as soon as that Rex fellow confirmed we had the deal.’ Lewis closed the Zippo lid, turning the lighter over and over in the palms of his hands. ‘Don’t you think it would have been the best moment to tell him? That I want you working on the designs, properly –’
Marnie’s blue eyes deepened to indigo; her face became pale, determined.
‘You were going to do that tonight?’
‘Yes, but I don’t know what to do now.’ He took out another cigarette, flicked the Zippo open again and lit up.
‘I’ll go.’
He exhaled slowly, not catching her meaning.
‘I’ll go and get your sister . . . take her back to my flat. I’ll look after her until you can get away.’
‘You’d do that for me?’
‘Of course I would.’ She nicked his cigarette again and took a quick pull before giving it back.
He pulled her to him and kissed her quickly on the lips.
‘I love you,’ he said, balancing the cigarette in an ashtray before taking a notebook out of his pocket and writing down the address of the place in Paddington where he’d taken Lizzie earlier that day.
Marnie took the paper off him. ‘Just tell George about me, Lewis. That’s all I ask.’
He walked with her to the cloakroom.
‘Will you explain to the others that I feel sick? Tell Eva sorry. I know she was counting on me to get through the evening.’
He held her coat for her as she put it on, swivelling round on her heels as he buttoned her up to her chin, all the while looking into her eyes.
‘Are you sure abou
t this, Marnie? My sister can be a handful.’
She tapped his nose with her finger and raised her eyebrows.
‘I’m used to wild young sisters,’ she said. ‘I have three. If there’s any problem I’ll call the restaurant, okay?’
‘And when we leave I’ll call your flat to let you know I’m on my way. I shouldn’t be too long.’
‘Fine.’
‘Lizzie has a thing about hospitals. They terrify her. So don’t call an ambulance or anything, just sit tight, and don’t let her take anything else. I’ll only be an hour or two.’
He was gripping her collar, pulling her towards him. He didn’t want to let go of her. He was battling his instincts. They were telling him not to let her go.
‘Lewis?’
He wanted her to tell him she loved him. He needed to hear the words.
‘Tell George about me. Don’t forget.’
And that was all she said before brushing his lips with hers and running out the door to hail a black cab. He had an urge to run after her. Jump in the cab and tell her to hell with it. They would go and get Lizzie together, and they would never set foot in Studio M again. They would start over and set up their own design company, just like he’d suggested their first night together. Then they would both shine.
Ireland, 25 March 1989
It’s not your fault.
Joy repeated the words on Lewis’s last postcard inside her head. Is this what she would say to her birth mother when she found her? It’s not your fault your baby was taken from you? Or was her mom right? Had Aoife Martell given her up willingly?
Lewis leaned over and pulled the card out of her hands.
‘You see that’s where Marnie’s wrong,’ he said. ‘It was all my fault. I should never have let her go on her own.’
‘Go where, Lewis?’
He shook his head and sighed but said nothing more, turning away and looking out of the window. The plane was dropping and her ears were popping like mad. She took a bag of candy out of her pocket and offered one to Lewis.
He shook his head. ‘I can’t stand boiled sweets. One of my father’s aunts used to ply me with old sour ones. Put me off for life.’
They waited in the baggage claim area together, and she wanted so much to ask him where he was going now, but she was too shy. Surely he would be setting off immediately to find Marnie?
‘So have you booked somewhere to stay?’ Lewis asked her as he helped her drag her big case off the carousel.
‘No, I didn’t think that far ahead when I took off for the airport.’
He lifted her case onto a luggage cart. ‘And how are you getting to Mayo? That’s where you’re going, isn’t it?’
‘I guess I should rent a car?’
He dumped his own case on top of hers before considering her. She could feel herself blushing. He must think her a big fool.
‘Look, Marnie’s in Sligo,’ he said. ‘Which isn’t far from County Mayo. Why don’t we travel together? We could share the car rental.’
‘But won’t I be in the way?’
‘Not at all. I could do with the company.’
He gave her a big smile and she felt relief wash through her. She wasn’t sure she could do this on her own.
‘First things first, we should find somewhere to stay tonight. It’s too late to drive out west now. Any preference, hotel or B&B?’
‘Anywhere.’ She paused, took a breath. ‘As long as it’s near the sea.’
At the information desk in the airport he booked two rooms in a hotel in a nearby town called Skerries.
‘The hotel looks out over the beach, and the Irish Sea,’ he told Joy. ‘You’ll see it as soon as you wake in the morning.’
She almost gave a skip of excitement. ‘I don’t know if I’ll manage to sleep.’
Her anticipation was that of a child, eager for Christmas morning.
Joy was unprepared for the cold as they stepped outside the airport terminal. She couldn’t stop herself from shivering in her leather jacket. She had assumed it would be plenty warm enough. It was April after all, and she wore this jacket on cold winter nights in Scottsdale, but this was a different kind of cold from home – a damp, penetrating chill that was making her very bones quake.
‘Are you all right?’ Lewis asked her. ‘Your teeth are chattering.’
‘It’s just so cold,’ she said.
A wet wind slapped into her face as a green double-decker bus trundled by.
‘Oh, I thought those buses would be red,’ she said.
‘That’s in London. Remember Ireland is an independent country.’
‘Of course,’ she mumbled, embarrassed.
Why was she so stupid? Of course the buses weren’t red. He must think she was a total hick. He was probably dying to get rid of her so he could go to his Marnie. But she was too cowardly to tell him she was okay on her own, because she wasn’t.
‘Here.’ Lewis was taking off his suit jacket and draping it around her shoulders.
‘I can’t take that,’ she said. ‘You’ll freeze.’
‘I’m fine,’ he said, rubbing his hands together. ‘I’m from this part of the world. I can take it.’
She glanced over at him, but his face was impassive, so she wrapped his jacket around her and inhaled his scent, remembering it from their night in the desert. He smelled very different from Eddie. A comforting, woody aroma. Her husband was always lathering himself in fancy aftershaves, and now she knew why. It occurred to her that maybe Erin wasn’t his first betrayal. Her stomach clenched. How many women had Eddie slept with while he was married to her? There were all those late-night viewings, and weekends away at realtor conventions. What an idiot she had been.
‘Okay, here we are,’ Lewis said, stopping by a red car.
‘Lewis,’ she said, ‘this car is crazy small.’
‘It’s a Fiat Panda,’ he told her. ‘It’s fine. It needs to be small because the roads are pretty narrow here. You’ll see.’
He unlocked the door and they squashed their bags into the trunk.
‘Do you know the way?’ she asked as they settled into the front seats.
‘I think so. They gave me pretty good directions.’
Despite how close they were to the airport, the roads were narrow, like Lewis said, and winding. She found the experience of sitting on the other side of the car, in such a tiny vehicle, disconcerting. Every time another car approached them she flinched. Before long they were off the ‘main’ road and bumping along an even narrower road with no street lights. She peered out of the car window at the darkness surrounding them. She sensed the sea out there. Like an unspoken whisper.
A short while later Lewis drove into a small town. Everything looked closed and shut up. She spied a lone cat running across the road, and one man with a dog on a leash, walking down the road. It was a Saturday night and yet the place was deserted.
‘It’s pretty quiet here,’ Lewis told her, reading her thoughts. ‘Ireland’s not like England. There’s not much work here. Most young people have left.’
‘That’s sad,’ she said.
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I’ve heard there are more Irish people in the rest of the world than in Ireland itself.’
They found the hotel easily enough. Lewis pulled into the parking lot, and as soon as Joy got out of the car she could hear the sea. It was like music to her. That roll and crash of waves. She couldn’t stop herself. She followed the sound, leaving Lewis, the little car and their luggage behind her. She walked round the side of the parking lot, to the back of the hotel, and found that Lewis was absolutely right. The hotel was on the beach.
She stepped from concrete onto sand, and her blue boots sank immediately. She stared down, fascinated. Of course she had stood on sand many times in the desert, but it was a different type of sand. So dry, and rough, interspersed with scrub and bush. This sand was fine as gold dust, though the air was heavy and damp around her, and charged with the essence of the ocean.
She foll
owed the sound of the waves onto the empty beach and her eyes searched for the water. It was a cloudy night, there were no stars and it was hard to make anything out, but after a while her sight adjusted and she could discern movement, a little white crest of a wave, a tiny welcome for her, and the moment of its landing upon the sand.
She ran across the beach, Lewis’s jacket open and splayed like wings flanking her, her hair loose and tossed about by the wind blowing off the sea. She inhaled deeply and tasted the salt on her lips. The words came to her instinctively.
‘I am home.’
She was gone. All of a sudden Joy was running off down that beach like a wild thing.
‘Joy!’ he yelled.
But she didn’t hear him. His call was carried off into the wind. He was shivering from the cold, and now he was dying to get into the hotel and warm up, yet he followed her. He was worried about her. Maybe she would be so excited about encountering the sea that she would run right into it and drown.
He supposed if he had never seen the sea before he would be this excited too. Imagine never having left America your whole life? He had to give Joy some credit. She was brave to walk out on her life like this. But he was anxious too and felt responsible for her. She seemed so nervous. What if she found no trace of her birth mother? That disappointment on top of her husband’s infidelity . . . would it tip her over the edge?
‘Joy!’ he called again.
He saw her running around by the edge of the sea, like a demented dog chasing its tail, and jogged down the beach to join her. She ran over, grabbed his hands and spun him. He couldn’t help but catch some of her enthusiasm and laughed along with her.
‘It’s so incredible . . . so damn awesome!’
‘You haven’t even seen it in daylight yet.’
‘But I can hear it, and I can taste it and smell it!’ she cried. ‘It’s like I’ve found a part of myself, Lewis. It’s been missing all my life.’
The Gravity of Love Page 20