by Tom Rath
This is why you should keep stress from piling up in the first place. Of all the things in life that can derail a good day, stress is the most common culprit. While a little stress is not a problem and can sometimes even be helpful, chronic stress creates an extraordinary amount of damage over time. Excessive stress accelerates aging and increases the risk of heart disease, stroke, cancer, and early death. These negative effects are the product of days when stressors elevate cortisol levels and increase inflammation throughout the body.
For many years, I thought of stress as something that ruins a day now and then, and not much else. I figured that a few days or weeks of excessive stress were fine because I could simply “shut it off.” Yet this is clearly not the case. Every day, week, and month of undue stress is cumulative. As stressful days compile, your energy levels, health, and relationships worsen. There is almost no way you can feel energized when you’re dealing with chronic stressors.
Consider some of the things that regularly create stress in your life. Map out how you can avoid these situations in the first place, or at least minimize the daily stress they cause. Rarely, if ever, is putting up with intense stress worth the consequences for your health and well-being.
Avoid Secondhand Stress
Difficult interactions with other people are at the root of most people’s stress. If your boss is under a great deal of pressure and pushing you to hit unrealistic deadlines, his stress becomes yours. When a spouse or close friend is stressed out, even about something unrelated to your relationship, you can inherit that stress in no time.
When you hear the word “stress,” consider whom you automatically associate with that word. It is likely that one or more people in your social networks, from friends to family to colleagues, run at a slightly faster pace than others. This is natural. Some people are more laid-back in general and have an easygoing personality. Others live at a faster tempo and thrive on having a lot of things going on at once. And some people become easily upset or angry about things that others take in stride.
I happen to be one of those people who enjoys constant activity and moving quickly. A good day for me is getting a lot of things done in a condensed period of time and then unwinding with friends and family afterward. But I have realized that when I am in my fast-paced mode, other people mistake it for stress. As a result, they see me pushing through a day without much patience, and it makes them more stressed out. This is certainly not my intent, but I can see the unintended consequences of the tension I project.
If this sounds familiar, be a little more conscious of what your emotional temperature and words do to other people. When you have a lot going on, how do you come across to your colleagues, friends, and family members? In particular, consider if there is any chance you are unintentionally transferring stress to those who are more easygoing in your social circles. Make sure you can unwind, or at least turn the volume down for a while, when you are around people who are likely to inherit your stress.
Play defense against inherited stress throughout the day. You have enough emotional stressors to deal with on your own, let alone if you assume the stressors of your colleagues, neighbors, and social networks.
Respond With Resiliency
How you react to potential stressors determines whether you will suffer the consequences. When you respond to a stressor, your body treats it as a threat. However, if you respond to the same event as a challenge, you can get a different physiological response. Responding to a situation as a stressor will leave you depleted, but reacting to the same event as a challenge could increase your energy and provide a positive charge.
As part of a large-scale study on this topic, Penn State researchers asked participants about what they had done over the past twenty-four hours for eight consecutive days. The responses allowed the researchers to see the “ebb and flow of [the subjects’] daily experiences.” They also collected saliva samples to gauge levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Then researchers tracked the patients’ health for over a decade.
This study revealed that participants who became upset by daily stressors and dwelled on them were more likely to suffer from chronic health problems — from pain to cardiovascular issues — 10 years later. One of the study’s authors said, “Our research shows that how you react to what happens in your life today predicts your chronic health conditions [for] 10 years in the future, independent of your current health and your future stress.”
It may even be possible to reframe major stressors to alleviate the damaging effects they have. A team of researchers taught a group of employees a simple three-step process for managing major stressors: First, be aware of the stress. Then, look for the meaning behind the stress (e.g., I’m stressed about this project because I know I’ll get a promotion if I succeed). Finally, they asked the employees how they could channel the stress to add motivation and improve productivity.
Not only did stress levels decrease, but the participants also saw improvements in both their work effectiveness and their physical health. As one of the researchers, Shawn Achor, put it, “When we divorce the meaning from the activity, our brains will rebel.” However, when you remind yourself why you are doing something challenging, your brain sees a motivator instead of a stressor.
After studying human behavior for two decades, this is what amazes me most: Human beings are remarkably resilient — almost irrationally so. When faced with life’s most traumatic experiences, from divorce to the death of a loved one, most people have the same response. They bounce back.
It takes time, but on average, people fully recover from most major life stressors. Keep this in mind the next time you are dealing with something that seems insurmountable. You will bounce back. The only question is how long it will take, and that depends on your response.
Push “Pause” Before Responding
When you face an immediate and acute stressor, your instinct is to fight back and respond immediately. While this served your ancestors well when they were being attacked by a wild animal, it is less helpful today unless you are actually being attacked physically. Technology makes it much easier to exacerbate a stressor with a quick response. I know I have been guilty of responding too quickly to people, on email in particular, in a terse tone that only made things worse.
When you face a brief psychological stressor, it helps to simply hit the pause button in your mind. The more something gets under your skin, causes your heart to race, and makes you breathe a bit more quickly, the more important it is to step back before speaking or typing a single word.
If an acute stressor hits when you are reading something on a screen, it should be easier to step back and divert your attention for a while. When a person physically close to you is causing the stressful moment — for instance, when someone cuts in front of you in line — do everything possible to avoid a rash response. Not only is it likely to make things worse, but it also tells people around you that you cannot control yourself. Even under the most difficult circumstances, take a moment to gather your thoughts, and then have a rational discussion. This will give you time to think things through and determine a way to deal with the other person in a healthier manner.
Grin to Bear It
Making yourself smile, even if it is fake and forced, may help you get through simple stressors. I was skeptical about this concept, but when a team of researchers tricked people’s facial muscles to smile, it produced real returns. The researchers trained study participants to hold chopsticks in their mouth in a way that engaged facial muscles to force either a smile or a neutral expression. Participants were essentially using the muscles required to smile without thinking about it.
When the participants were asked to work on multitasking activities that were designed to be stressful, the group that was smiling through the tasks responded better to the stressors. These group members had lower heart rate levels and lower self-reported stress levels than the participants who had neutral facial expressions. This research suggests that something as
basic as smiling may reduce the intensity of the body’s stress response, regardless of whether you actually feel happy during the experience.
Sarah Pressman, one of the researchers who led this experiment, said, “The next time you’re stuck in traffic or experiencing some other type of stress, you might try to hold your face in a smile for moment. Not only will it help you grin and bear it psychologically, but it might actually help your heart health as well.”
Another team of medical researchers has been studying the implications of the research on smiling for patients with depression. As part of an experiment published in 2014, they assigned 74 patients with depression to receive either a single injection of Botox in the “frown muscles” between the eyebrows or to receive saline solution as a placebo. Six weeks later, among the group members who essentially had their frown muscles disabled by Botox, 52 percent showed relief from depression, compared with just 15 percent in the placebo group.
Keep this in mind the next time you interact with someone who is clearly under duress. Instead of escalating your own animosity in response, force a smile and try to move on. You may trick your mind and body into a better state while avoiding a situation that will only get worse if you engage.
Epilogue: Create a Positive Charge
The best use of an hour is to invest it in something that will continue to grow. When you add a positive charge to another person’s day, it carries forward into each of their subsequent interactions. Even when you do not see the results directly, investing an hour in the growth of another person can increase the well-being of an entire network of people in the span of a day. It will also help you grow.
You are much better at helping yourself if you are also helping another person with a similar problem. Research from one of the largest clinical trials in alcohol research found that 40 percent of alcoholics who helped other alcoholics during their recovery were successful and avoided drinking in the year following treatment. In contrast, only 22 percent of those who did not help others were able to stay sober. Helping someone else with a similar problem nearly doubled success rates. A subsequent study found that 94 percent of alcoholics who helped other alcoholics experienced lower levels of depression.
A series of studies conducted with hundreds of college students suggests that people may be even better at solving a creative problem for another person than they are at solving the same problem for themselves. It seems that people are wired to do good and create meaning, even for complete strangers.
Share Your Most Precious Resources
Spending time on others yields a greater return than spending time on yourself. The same principle applies to how you use your financial resources. The act of giving does more for you than buying something for yourself. The good news is, you don’t need a lot of money to produce happiness by giving. All it takes is a little effort.
This is the central finding from a body of emerging research: Giving improves well-being in many ways. When economist Arthur Brooks analyzed data that Harvard University collected from 30,000 families in 41 communities across America, his findings suggested that giving money to charity could (paradoxically) increase a person’s subsequent wealth. As Brooks described in an address at BYU:
“Say you have two identical families — same religion, same race, same number of kids, same town, same level of education — everything’s the same, except that one family gives $100 more to charity than the second family. Then the giving family will earn on average $375 more in income than the non-giving family — and that’s statistically attributable to the gift.”
Every dollar given away was associated with an additional $3.75 in future income. Brooks also found that this effect held true for more than just money. People who volunteered time and donated blood were also likely to make more income in the future.
What’s most intriguing about the research on giving is that it appears to be a universal phenomenon that transcends wealth in countries rich and poor. When a team of leading researchers examined data from more than 200,000 people in 136 countries, they found that donating to charity improved well-being in all parts of the world. This held true even when people reported having trouble securing food for their family.
When these researchers compared vastly different parts of the world, such as Canada and South Africa, they found that people consistently felt happier when they donated to charity versus buying themselves a treat, even when they would never meet the beneficiary of their gift. This led researchers to conclude that people are not merely donating for direct satisfaction or social connection. Instead, it appears that something deeply embedded in people’s natures makes them feel better when they act altruistically.
Do Good for a Life Well-Lived
You have a limited number of days to make a difference. This is one of the few certainties that everyone shares. It can also be an extraordinary motivational force. Embrace the fact that you need to infuse a lot of good into this world while you can. You have the opportunity to decide how you will spend your time. Use this knowledge to stay focused on doing what’s most important every day.
If you don’t prioritize what’s most important today, you may later find yourself wishing you had spent more time with your spouse or children. You may regret that you didn’t pursue an idea you had many years ago. Fortunately, you do have time to add a positive charge to the world today.
Start with work that creates meaning. Invest in each interaction to strengthen your relationships. Make sure you have the energy you need to be your best. Doing these three things, in combination, is the definition of being fully charged and adding a positive charge to those around you.
Tools and Resources
Note: Additional resources and PDF discussion guides for groups, teams, and organizations are available at tomrath.org
A. CHAPTER RECAP AND DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
Meaning
1: Create Meaning With Small Wins
Recap: Creating meaning for others matters more than pursuing happiness for yourself.
What percentage of your free time do you spend on activities that create meaning? How could you add one meaningful activity to your daily or weekly routine?
How did you make meaningful progress through your work today? If you did not today, how could you tomorrow?
What is the most meaningful thing you have done in the last month?
2: Pursue Life, Liberty, and Meaningfulness
Recap: Meaningful work is driven by deep, internal motivation.
Why does your current job or role exist? Does it help another person, make a process more efficient, or produce something people need?
Which external motivators tend to pull you in the wrong direction?
How could you do even more for the people you serve?
What are your best intrinsic motivators and reminders of why you do what you do?
3: Make Work a Purpose — Not Just a Place
Recap: Your work should improve your overall well-being.
What actions could you take that would allow you to spend more time on meaningful efforts?
Does the work you do improve your life?
What makes you feel like you are part of a shared mission?
4: Find a Higher Calling Than Cash
Recap: Keep money from killing meaning for the sake of your well-being.
Are your relationships stronger because of the job you do every day?
Is your physical health better because of the organization you are a part of?
Are you contributing to society through what you do every day?
When does money motivate you in a good way? Are there times when it steers you in the wrong direction?
5: Ask What the World Needs
Recap: You create meaning when your strengths and interests meet another person’s needs.
What are some of the most important unmet needs among your friends, colleagues, customers, and community?
Think about your unique talents and abilities. What can yo
u do far better than most people you know?
What activities give you a positive charge and make a long-term contribution to society?
6: Don’t Fall Into the Default
Recap: Cast your own shadow by building your dreams into your job.
What specific tasks do you get so engaged in that you lose track of time?
Who energizes your days? How can you spend more time with these people?
What is one step you can take today to see how your work makes a difference for others?
7: Initiate to Shape the Future
Recap: Instead of responding to every ringing bell, focus on less to do more.
What percentage of your time do you spend responding to emails, texts, and phone calls in a typical day? How does that compare to the percentage of time you spend initiating?
How can you work smarter instead of working harder?
If you could focus only on a few meaningful things tomorrow, what would they be? How can you spend less time responding?
How can you use technology to help minimize distractions instead of allowing them to disrupt you?
8: Focus for 45, Break for 15
Recap: Work in bursts, take frequent breaks, and keep the mission in mind.
How can you structure your day so you can work in spurts and be more effective?
How can you help remind your friends and/or colleagues about the importance of their work?
Is there a “field trip” you and your team can take to see the influence of your work more directly?
CHAPTER RECAP AND DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
Interactions
9: Make Every Interaction Count
Recap: Our days depend on brief interactions with the people around us.
What have you done to infuse positive energy into an interaction today?
What could you plan on doing in the next few hours that will add a positive charge to someone’s day?