Their inspection of the tooth marks was interrupted by a loud hissing sound. They spun around to see I.B.’s cat standing in the doorway, his back arched to its maximum height and his hair bristling in alarm. In the background, haunting organ music began to play.
“What’s wrong with him?” asked A____.
“Uh, maybe it has something do with that?”
Eyes wide, Z____ nodded his head: something was moving under a pile of papers.
As the cat darted away, whatever it was headed toward Z____ like a wave in a paper ocean.
Before A____ could respond, it sprang into the air, sending papers flying in all directions and casting a monstrous shadow on the wall. It landed at Z____’s foot and opened its mouth—
“Aack!” Z____ jumped away just before the creature could bite into his ankle.
It was the Were-Hare.
His red eyes stared furiously. His pink nose twitched menacingly. His gold teeth gleamed ominously.
“Back! Shoo!” cried Z____. “A____, do something!”
“Like what?”
The rabbit flew at Z____ again. Z____ moved his leg just in time.
A____ picked up the nearest object.
“Not that!” yelled Z____. “That’s I.B.’s next book!”
“I’m trying to save your life! Besides, it’s blank, remember? He didn’t write a thing!” said A____, swatting at the rabbit with the notebook.
The rabbit chomped down on the notebook in a rage. A____ tugged hard, but the growling rabbit sank his teeth in deeper.
“You get out of here, you nasty rabbit!”
A____ spun around, lifting the rabbit into the air. Then she let go.
The rabbit sailed across the room. He landed in the corner with a crash and sagged to the floor.
As his snarls turned to snores, the notebook dropped out of his mouth, a single gold tooth lodged in its side.
Tentatively, Z____ tiptoed over and picked up the notebook, then scurried back to the other side of the room as fast as he could.
“What are we going to do with him?” whispered A____.
“I don’t know. But if the stories are true, this tooth might just get us to the Other Side.”
Grimacing, Z____ pulled the gold tooth out of the notebook. As he held it up, lightning flashed outside, illuminating the tooth with a fierce golden fire.
*
READR, CAN YOU PLEASE EN TERTAN YR SELF FIR A MOMENT? I HVE TO R UN AFTR MY RABIT. I’LL STIC IN A FEW FILLR PAGES TO KEEP U OCCUPID. SORY, FO R THE BAD TYPING.. JUST IN A HRRY, THAT’S ALL. I TYP GREAT. RLY. THT’S JUS A VICUS RUMR THAT I DON KNO HOW!
RANDOM WRITING TIP:
When in doubt, INSERT FART JOKE.
*
Suggestions
What do you call a writer who doesn’t fart in school?
A private writing toot-er.
Why couldn’t the ghostwriter fart?
He had no guts.
How poor was the starving writer?
So poor he had to fart twice in his pocket to make two scents.
Why is a fart sharper than a number two pencil?
It cuts right through your pants without leaving a hole.
EMERGENCY PORTAL
A get-out-of-jail-free card for authors and characters alike. If you can’t figure out how to get your characters out of a tight spot, use this handy portal to zap them across time or into another dimension. I’m only giving you one, however, because as a rule I don’t approve of portals. Too convenient. If you want more, you’ll have to draw your own.
Dear Guest,
We regret to inform you of a staff change. After years by our side, our longtime companion Quiche has decided it’s time to explore greener pastures, or should we say orange-er carrots. It saddens us to see him go, but we wish him the best of luck in his new endeavors, and we want him to know our hat is always open to him should he choose to return. While we search for a replacement, we will attempt to offer the same excellent service you’ve come to expect. As we ourselves are now forced to type and retype and, er, retype our words again, you may experience a slight delay in your reading. Please bear with us.
—The Management
Fictional Worlds: The Other Side
Are you ready? This is it—it’s time for you to enter the Other Side. By which I mean, it’s time for you truly and finally to take over my side, the writer’s side. You’re not a beginner anymore, and I’m done holding your hand—it’s much too clammy.
Depending on the genre you’ve chosen—noir, fantasy, or gothic—your heroes now have the coin, key, or tooth that will gain them entrance to the Other Side.
What is the Other Side like? It’s up to you. Following are some suggestions—but they are only suggestions.
Pseudo-intelligence: The whole world in your hands
A novel doesn’t just tell a story; it describes a world. By world I mean the location of your story, but also something less tangible. The world of your book might be the kind of place where an elf or tree sprite or leprechaun is likely to pop up. Or it might be the kind of place where you’re more likely to see a nurse or insurance salesman or social studies teacher. It might be familiar or exotic. Funny or scary. Urban or rural. All gray or colored in neon. The world of your book might be as small as a box of takeout from a Chinese restaurant, or as large as an ocean. (Of course, to a microbe the takeout box might seem enormous, and to a giant squid the ocean might seem small.) Generally speaking, the only rule about fictional worlds is they should be consistent in and of themselves; Middle-earth is Middle-earth, and middle school is middle school, and never the twain shall meet. Then again, it is when worlds collide that new worlds are created….
Pseudo-assignment: When worlds collide
Think of two very different worlds (like Middle-earth and middle school) and imagine one inside the other. How would they affect each other? What new world would be born? Write a description of this new world. If you’re inspired, write a story that takes place within it.
NOIR: A CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD
In a crime novel, I should think that the Other Side would be part of the criminal world—what is sometimes called the underworld.* But which underworld? An underworld of mafia capos who play poker in pizza joints? An underworld of ragamuffin orphan pickpockets? An underworld of highly paid assassins? To me, the idea of a gold coin, not to mention I.B.’s top hat and bunny, evokes the presence of a magician, or magicians. What if your underworld belongs to criminal street magicians who amaze you with coin tricks—and rob you at the same time? You know, those masters of three-card monte who haunt the street corners and back alleys of big cities around the world.* What else might you find in a place like this? People selling stolen goods, maybe, as well as other street performers, like jugglers or mimes. Rats of the human and animal variety. Assorted trash. Grime.
As for the business advertised on the gold coin—the Other Side itself—it would be the magicians’ club or pool hall or other seedy establishment of your choosing where the criminal magicians congregate between cons. As you will remember, it’s right around the corner from I.B.’s house. To get there, A____ and Z____ have only to walk. Getting inside? Well, that’s another matter. I suppose the coin may get them in—but as honored guests or suspicious outsiders?
NOIR FLAP COPY*
Circle the words that best fit the noir world of your imagination, then use them to describe in riveting detail the gritty noir novel you are writing.
Adjectives: Nouns: Verbs:
gritty alley cheat
dark shadow slug
sly trench steal
sluggish con man lie
cruel eyebrows shatter
soft-spoken fedora slip
FANTASY: A MAGICAL UNDERWORLD
Dorothy waking up to discover Oz outside her door… the Pevensie kids stepping out of the wardrobe into the snowy night of Narnia… Harry stepping onto the Hogwarts Express… The moment when a character crosses from the everyday world into a world of fa
ntasy is always thrilling—at least for a reader who likes fantasy.
When we left A____ and Z____, a shimmering door had just materialized in the middle of I.B.’s office. What lies on the other side of this door? Perhaps the fantasy Other Side is a parallel universe that is the mirror image of ours. Or perhaps it’s nothing like ours; it’s a place where the earth revolves around the moon, gravity pulls you up into the sky, and people hang upside down like bats. The possibilities are many—maybe too many.
Let’s narrow them down by taking our cue from the stuffed rabbit—the only emissary of this Other Side we’ve met. What if, like Alice’s White Rabbit, the stuffed rabbit heralds from an underland wonderland? When your heroes unlock the shimmering door with the gold key, they find a staircase that goes down, down, down, far below where they can see. (The rabbit skips the stairs; he simply dives through the hole in his top hat.) What do your heroes find when they get to the bottom—aside from a lot of chewed carrots? Other toys or stuffed animals come to life underground? An advanced civilization of giant sentient earthworms? A world of glittering gold mines and crystal caves and magical underground lakes inhabited by dwarves, elves, and mermaids who have never seen the sun?
I say yes, yes, and yes.
FANTASY FLAP COPY
Circle the words that best fit the fantasy world of your imagination, then use them to describe in glowing detail the magical fantasy novel you are writing.
Adjectives: Nouns: Verbs:
magical sword pummel
epic sorcery swashbuckle
luminous dungeon roar
heroic druid divine
GOTHIC: A DARK FOREST
Close your eyes and you can imagine any number of gothic landscapes: deserted ocean bluffs, rocky caves, blind alleys, medieval villages, crumbling castles. But I’m going to push you in the direction of a dark and mysterious forest. Why? Do you happen to remember the howling at the end of the prologue? Did that spark your imagination when you read about it? Does it make you think of anything now? The Were-Hare, of course. Maybe a werewolf, as well? Maybe a pack of werewolves? And, yes, werewolves can go anywhere, but home base is usually a forest, I believe. A forest full of creatures that come out only at night. The gold tooth? Let’s call it a talisman for now. A good-luck charm. Perhaps one of your heroes could fasten it to a chain and wear it for protection… against bad writing, if nothing else.
GOTHIC FLAP COPY
Circle the words that best fit the gothic world of your imagination, then use them to describe in electrifying detail the haunting gothic novel you are writing.
Adjectives: Nouns: Verbs:
uncanny blood raise
cursed requiem brood
haunted tooth transform
putrid coffin lurk
hairy bat horrify
seductive wing electrify
WRITE THIS:
OK, you’ve had a chance to think about what your Other Side might be like. Three chances, to be exact. Now it’s time to commit to your vision. In the space below, take your heroes from the familiar confines of their neighborhood to the exciting new world of the Other Side. What is the first sight that greets your heroes as they cross the threshold to the Other Side? Do they get only a teasing glimpse? Or do they see a vast panorama? It’s your job to point out the sights of this new world in the way you think will be most compelling for your reader—and most fun for you.
The Case of the Missing Author
Chapter 6
In which A____ and Z____ cross to the Other Side for the first time.
DOODLE.
STARE AT DOODLE.
THINK, HEY, THIS DOODLE ISN’T SO BAD—
MAYBE I SHOULD BE A CARTOONIST,
NOT A WRITER.
STARE AT DOODLE AGAIN.
MAYBE IT’S NOT SO GREAT AFTER ALL.
GO BACK TO WRITING.
A Trail of Chocolate: Keeping Your Book on Track
I have a question for you. No, not what comes next? (That comes next.) The question is what came last? Where did you leave your heroes?
Yes, yes, I know, you left them on the Other Side, and that’s very thrilling, of course, but what else is happening story-wise? Wait, don’t tell me, the intrepid brother and sister are fighting over how to start hunting for I.B.—yes, that must be it. No? You mean they’ve lost sight of each other already? Each of them is alone and bewildered in a new world? Nope? Then has one of your heroes fallen into a hole or been caught in a trap? Oh, I know! They’re so intoxicated by their new environment that they’ve forgotten who they are and what they’re supposed to be doing! The old hypnotized-by-the-wonderfulness-of-it-all twist. Very clever of you.
No, none of those things, either? OK, I give up. Your story must be very original if I can’t imagine—
Pseudo-assignment: Understatement and hyperbole
Imagine a shocking event—a horrendous crime, a massive natural disaster—and write about the event as if it were the most ordinary and humdrum thing in the world. Then imagine an ordinary event—a piece of bread toasted, a tooth brushed—and write about it as if it were terribly shocking and momentous.
What? You’re not telling me A____ and Z____ are still “soaking it all in”? They’re marveling at the sights and sounds of the Other Side? You mean like tourists? Huh. We’re going to have to do something about that. Could get boring real soon, my friend. Remember, this isn’t serious literature we’re writing here; it’s genre fiction. We need action. There’s nothing more deadly to a story than an aimless hero.
Even when your heroes are distracted from their mission (whether voluntarily or by force), you want to keep the mission somewhere in their minds and in the minds of your readers. Remember our plot map? Your heroes are on the road now. Destination: story climax. It’s not that I am against exploring side streets and off-road attractions—on the contrary, I often feel that writers are most on target when they are off topic*—but your little side trips are much more likely to hold your reader’s interest if your reader has some sense of where your story is going. Ultimately, whatever your Other Side looks like, A____ and Z____ will have to continue their investigation there, whether that means looking for clues or simply asking people if they’ve seen I.B.
WRITE THIS:
Continue where you left off—or better yet, ruthlessly cut the last section and start over at the point your heroes enter the Other Side. They are alone in an unfamiliar world. And yet against all odds they must try to catch the scent of I.B. The author’s appearance on the other side must have left some kind of impression, right?
Hmm, what could I.B. have left that your heroes might notice? What special characteristic or habit does he have that might leave a trace? You guessed it. Chocolate. I suggest your heroes follow a trail of chocolate. Or a trail of chocolate wrappers, anyway. (The chocolate itself I’m sure I.B. would have eaten.) Think of Hansel and Gretel. I.B. has strewn ______ brand chocolate bar wrappers in his wake—intentionally or unintentionally—the way Hansel and Gretel leave a trail of crumbs on their way into the Black Forest.
Where does the trail lead? Only time will tell.
The Case of the Missing Author
Chapter 6 (cont.)
In which A____ and Z____ follow a trail of _______ brand chocolate bar wrappers.
Fantastic. I can tell you’re becoming a better writer by the minute!* Nonetheless, I’m going to close this chapter for you. Just to maintain momentum. (And because there’s a little plot point I want to insert.) As always, feel free to rewrite my words with your own.
The Case of the Missing Author
Chapter 6 (cont.)
By now they had been searching for hours without finding another ______ bar wrapper. Could this be the end of the trail? A____ and Z____ wondered. Would they ever find I.B. in this new world, or were they doomed to wander the Other Side forever?
Suddenly, they heard a noise coming from close behind them.
They spun around to see the silhouette of a stranger blocking their way.
Department of Pitfalls: Writer’s Block
As somebody who has experienced so-called “writer’s block” many times, I have many things to say about it, such as
A Side of Fries
There comes a time in every writer’s life when he doesn’t know what to write. (Actually, there come many such times, but my point stands.) I have heard numerous solutions to this basic problem, including the aforementioned fart joke (see here–here), but my favorite belongs to Raymond Chandler: “When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.”
Unfortunately, this is a kids’ book. There can’t be any guns in it. Same goes for what is euphemistically called language.* If you start writing about characters shooting guns, or even shooting their mouths off, you know what will happen: I’ll get in trouble. (I know, you’ve been playing with guns since you were three and you’ve had a potty mouth for just as long. Sorry. Doesn’t matter.) Please save all that stuff for when you’re seventeen years old and you’re already causing your parents so much grief they can’t be bothered with the likes of me. For now, keep it clean.
Even so, gun or no gun, it’s not a bad idea to have a new character walk into your story every now and then. Every book needs a side character or two. A side character is the French fries to your hero’s hamburger; he turns your book into a full meal.
Write This Book: A Do-It-Yourself Mystery Page 6