"Lil-- cannot stand being apart from you. To see you every day and not speak or touch is torture for me."
"Please leave me," she said quietly.
"I will not," he said harshly.
She saw by his face that he would not listen to her while she begged him to leave. There would be no discourse; his waiting was plainly over. He was in the bed now and the roughness of his hands told her that he was beyond pleading with. Struggling and screaming would avail her nothing, but she had another weapon she could use against him. Indifference! She would be completely passive, cold and unmoved. She would keep him from possessing her inner essence. What a fool she had been! If she stayed under the same roof as he, this was bound to happen sooner or later. Never again, she vowed.
"Legalities mean naught to me! You are mine. You will always be mine." His brain reeled with the nearness of her, but her stillness told him she wanted none of him. His fingers sought out the soft, silky place beneath her breasts and she found it very hard to remain passive and unmoved.
He tried persuasion. "Lillyth; you do not understand. When a man is in close proximity to a beautiful woman without any outlet for his physical needs, it becomes too painful for him to bear."
She turned her head away from him on the pillow and stared at the wall, thinking: He will make use of any argument or persuasion to gain power over me and have his way, but I shall stand outside of myself and be apart from his lovemaking.
"You are trying to punish me by being cold, but I will thaw you, my darling, resist me how you will." He forced himself into her and shuddered with ecstasy when he felt her tightness. She bit her lips to prevent herself from crying out. He began to move slowly and deliberately, every thrust designed to shatter her defenses and bring forth her response. She kept her mind and soul apart, but her body would betray her if she did not keep an iron control on herself. She clenched her teeth together to prevent the low moans from escaping, and he cried out a sharp command, "Meet me, Lillyth!"
Her body was responding to him, but she would die before she would let him know it. He was an experienced lover and knew the value of verbal stimulation, so now he whispered all his lover's longings into her ears. His voice caressed her with honeyed compliments and his hands accompanied his words.
Never by a word or a gesture did she show the effect he had upon her, but she had let down her love juices twice before Guy allowed himself the pleasure of fulfillment. He looked down at her seemingly frozen form and his green eyes narrowed.
"I was right. All women are bitches!" he swore as he removed himself from her presence.
Chapter 23
She wasted no time on tears, but started immediately to redo her hair, which Guy's lovemaking had destroyed. Her fingers trembled as she replaited the braids and pinned them up tightly. Without trying to sleep again, she dressed, wrapped her warm cloak tightly about her and sought out Father Sebastian. He slept apart from the others in a hut of his own, and Lillyth entered and shook him awake.
"I beg of you to leave now, my friend."
He looked at her quietly. "Tell me what your trouble is, child."
"Oh, Father, everything is such a mess. How can I tell you, I am too ashamed."
He patted her hand and said simply, "Child, nothing can shock me, but take your time. Your tale will no doubt unfold on the journey. I am traveling to London to see Bishop Odo before I go on to Berkhamstead. Will that inconvenience you, child?"
"No, no. I care not where I go, so long as we go from here quickly. Father, do you think we could travel west first and then make our way to London? I do not want to run away only to be brought back tomorrow or the next day."
"I am only familiar with the main road to London, but we can go in a roundabout way, I am sure, if it will ease your mind." He smiled at her kindly. "I don't suppose you have brought any food for yourself on this journey? No, I thought not. Well, since you are in a fret to get started, pack these wheaten cakes into your saddlebag. You will find your little horse is tethered with my own horses behind the hut." He chuckled. "You never gave a thought to how you would get your horse from the stables in the middle of the night without setting up a hue and cry, did you?"
She went pale. "All I could think of was leaving. I'm sorry that you have to do the thinking for both of us. I will try to be more considerate in the future."
"Come, I think we will be safe on the main road until daylight."
She patted Zephyr's muzzle and murmured to her softly, then she mounted and pulled her cloak tightly about her to keep out the damp chill. They set out at a very quick pace, Lillyth wishing to put distance between herself and the man who had betrayed her, and Sebastian wishing to set her fears at rest. They rode in silence for about two hours, and the first streaks of dawn stole red fingers across the black sky when Lillyth called, "Do you think any Norman soldiers will stop us?"
"Do not worry, none will dare to detain us. I carry a pass to travel from the king. It forbids any to offer me hindrance."
"I hope you are right, but from what I have experienced, Normans are very bold. They seem to do exactly as they please."
"Most Normans are very religious, child. My presence should be enough to protect you."
"If they are religious, how could they come burning and killing us Saxons so wantonly?"
"A Norman does not consider being a soldier and being religious as opposing each other. They go hand in glove, really. They always pray for victory before a battle, and give thanks afterward. The Norman is a superior being where military matters are concerned."
"Do you bear arms, Father?"
"I do not carry a sword, but am in the battle nonetheless. I help the wounded and the dying. Bishop Odo does not carry a sword, but he has a heavily spiked ball that does a great deal more damage, I should think."
They rode in silence for a few hundred yards, then he said, "The horses need a rest and we will break our fast. I hear a stream up ahead. Let us rest there, child."
He built a small fire and set some water to boil, then fed the horses. Lillyth doled out a few wheaten cakes and she nibbled pensively. Her mind was miles away; Guy would be getting up now, perhaps he had already discovered that she had left. They would soon be searching for her, she thought apprehensively.
In fact, Guy had no idea that she had departed. He had risen early and was bringing men from Oxstead to help with the building. He was determined to avoid Lillyth at all costs. She could come to him; he would not go to her again. Alison soon discovered that she had left, but having a good idea where she had gone she decided to keep her own counsel.
Sebastian looked speculatively at Lillyth. "I thought you were happy with Montgomery."
She looked startled and blurted, "I was, but then I discovered he had a wife and children in Normandy." Her words were bitter.
He went on carefully, "Many men take lemans, it is quite a common practice. Of course, William frowns upon it because he is happily married, but most men are not so fortunate and they take their pleasure where they find it."
"But he married me! He had the priest wed us and we had a big celebration and invited everyone in Godstone."
"I see," he said thoughtfully. "You believed you were his wife, then discovered he already had one?"
She nodded miserably.
"You must not feel guilt or remorse over what has happened. It was none of your doing, and now, of course, I see why you had to leave. You would have been forced to continue on in the position of mistress, and after thinking yourself a wife, it would have been intolerable."
Lillyth could not bring herself to speak of the child and changed the subject quickly. "When we resume our journey, I think we should quit this road as soon as may be."
He nodded. "I think we should go east rather than west. It would be the illogical thing to do."
She smiled at him for the first time. They rode side by side for the rest of the day and Lillyth had ample time to study her companion. He was no older than Guy but very thin, as if he had
lived a life of abstinence. His eyes were dark and piercing and he had a large hooked nose. Although he was not a large man, Lillyth suspected he had a wiry strength which would serve him well in a fight. They stopped only once to water the horses and did not stop again until the sun was low in the sky. He told her to make a fire and went off to scavenge for their supper.
Lillyth's back ached from spending all day in the saddle, and she took a walk to find water and relieve her muscles. By the time she returned with the water, Father Sebastian was cooking eggs over the fire. She noticed the fowl, not yet plucked, and he said, "I will cook it tonight, then we will have meat for tomorrow."
She laughed. "You stole them, didn't you?"
He spread his hands in a Gallic gesture. "Let us say I found them before they were lost."
After they had eaten their eggs, Sebastian cut and fashioned a spit to hold the bird over the fire, and Lillyth gathered some herbs with which to stuff the bird. She lay a long time that night before sleep overcame her, because, tired as she was, she could not get used to the hard ground with only her cloak for comfort.
The next day they met other travelers going toward London, and Father Sebastian traded with them for some food. Lillyth felt less apprehensive now that they were not alone, and she wondered why they had not been overtaken yet with riders from Godstone.
Perhaps he is glad to be rid of me, she thought coldly. Well, I am certainly glad to be rid of him! she swore fervently.
Her back ached just the way it did before she got her monthly courses and she did some mental arithmetic to see if this could be her trouble. After her bleeding over the miscarriage ceased, she had spent a few days in bed, almost a week. Then Guy had been gone almost three weeks, plus another week had passed before he made his way to her bed. How odd that it was five weeks since she had bled. She worried about how she would be able to avoid embarrassment and maintain her modesty in such close proximity to this holy man when she started. The next morning she looked discreetly for signs of blood and, finding none, immediately set to worry about being pregnant once more.
One part of her recoiled from such a predicament, and the other part of her felt a longing for another baby. I must be mad, she admonished herself. How can I go to one man with another man's child inside me? she thought wildly. Other thoughts crowded into her mind. Perhaps she would not bleed this month because she had lost so much when she hemorrhaged. She began to panic. She felt weak, alone, frightened of the future. Frightened of the present, if it came to that. She felt truly sorry for herself and laid all her woes at Montgomery's doorstep. She sank to the ground, and laying her head upon her knees, she wept.
"What is your trouble child?" Sebastian asked kindly.
"I feel I cannot go on," she said weakly.
"Ah, you are so young and beautiful. The world lies at your feet. The future opens before you like a feast. Enjoy it! Take it in both hands and make it yours. Let the past go. Do not be defeated before you start," he urged.
She lifted her head and looked at him. A calm descended upon her and she thought, I will make a new start. I will be strong. I am a woman and I will face whatever life has in store for me.
A squirrel ran up a tree nearby and another chased it. She began to laugh. "The sun is shining, summer lies before me and I will enjoy it to the full." She felt one last pang of regret that Guy had not come to take her back to Godstone and then tried to dismiss him from her thoughts. "Come, my friend, London awaits us."
They rode into the city and Sebastian said, "You present a bit of a problem, child. I can hardly take you with me to Bishop Odo's court, so we will have to find you a place to stay until we resume our journey to Berkhamstead."
"I will go to the inn I stayed at before. They will know me, and it is a lovely place."
"What about money?" he asked doubtfully.
"Ah, you have not seen the new Lillyth in action! It is not a problem, merely a challenge," she laughed.
Lillyth squared her shoulders and entered the inn with the monk following. The innkeeper and his wife recognized her. "Madame Montgomery, welcome back. Is your husband not with you, madame?" she was asked.
"He has business outside the city. He will join me in a few days, but insisted I come ahead where I would be lodged more comfortably. I hope you will be able to find a room for me."
"Would the gentleman also require a room?" he asked looking pointedly at Father Sebastian.
"Oh no, he has business at court with Bishop Odo. You know," she added, "he is only acting as my escort. He will be taking the horses with him except for my mare. I would like her to have a good rubdown, and then feed her well. Also I would like a bath brought up to my room as soon as possible," she said with more authority than she felt. Sebastian carried her saddlebags up to her room, and they said a swift good-bye.
"Do not walk abroad, child. London is no fit place for a woman alone, especially a beautiful woman."
"I shall rest until you return for me, I promise. Thank you for all your kindness to me, I will never forget it."
When he had gone she looked about her. She was thankful it was not the same room she had shared with Guy, but it was similar and evoked poignant memories. She pushed these thoughts purposefully from her mind, as she undressed and bathed. She felt so warm and relaxed that she crawled into bed immediately and slept until morning, without even a dream.
She awoke to the smell of bacon and sausage frying and was immediately overcome with nausea. This confirmed her fears that she was with child. Determined not to panic and return to the low spirits of the day before, she cleaned her hands and face and set about brushing the dust of the road from her garments. She took out the gold bracelets Guy had given her. She would take them to the goldsmith's shop where she had bought the medallion for Guy when they were last in London and try to sell them. She wondered briefly how much they would bring and decided not to take less than ten or twelve deniers. Lillyth decided that it would not hurt if she looked as pretty as possible, so she combed out her hair, framed her face with curls and carefully put on her cloak and pulled up the hood.
She walked quickly along the street, paying no attention to the people who tried to detain her to sell their wares. She hoped she remembered the way as she turned down another street and stood bewildered for a moment. Ah yes, it was this way; on the opposite side. She hesitated only slightly before entering, and gathering all her courage, she went through the door and threw back her hood. She came face to face with the most elegant man she had ever seen. He was buying jewelry and had two menservants with him. Extremely tall and slim, he had silvery-blond hair and silver eyes to match. He was dressed in black from head to foot, relieved only by silver embroidery about his collar. He bowed to her and gestured toward the man behind the counter. "Ladies first."
A flush rose to her cheeks as she offered the gold bracelets up for inspection.
"I would like to sell these. Do you think you might be interested?" she asked the goldsmith. She felt the gentleman's eyes upon her, and her breast rose and fell in agitation. The goldsmith slowly appraised the bracelets and said, "Five deniers?"
Her face fell. "I thought— I thought perhaps ten?" she inquired hesitantly.
The goldsmith shook his head and shrugged apologetically.
The tall man beside her said, "May I see them? Beautiful things are a weakness with me." His eyes never left her face.
She held out the bracelets to him and urged, "They would make any woman who wore them more attractive."
"I have someone in mind," he smiled. "I will give you ten deniers for them, cherie."
"Thank you, monsieur," she said softly. She hated this whole business of haggling, but the bracelets were the only things she had worth selling, and she knew she must get some money soon. He counted the money into her hand, and without looking into his silver eyes she went swiftly from the shop.
Once back at the inn, she decided not to venture forth again until Sebastian came to fetch her. It was four days before he c
ame.
"Child, I have been worried to death because I could not come sooner. Have you been all right?"
"Yes, but I am glad you came. I was beginning to worry about you. I sold some jewelry and I have ten deniers. Now the problem is, do I use it to settle my bill here, or do I keep it for future needs?" she mused. She made her decision almost immediately. "If you will see to my horse, I will deal with the landlord. Come!"
She put on her most regal air, though her knees shook slightly as she spoke to the landlord. "My husband will be delayed for a few days. When he arrives, please give him the message that I have decided to go on ahead of him, and oh yes, I almost forgot, please tally up my bill and add it to Montgomery's."
The innkeeper was about to protest when he thought better of it. If he demanded payment now, perhaps the Montgomerys would take their custom elsewhere; there was no shortage of inns in London. She gave him a dazzling smile and swept into the yard feeling only a little guilt at the deception she had perpetrated.
The roads seemed busy with travelers, and since Lillyth had never traveled this way before, she took a great interest in the scenes about her. Father Sebastian knew it was a longer journey they were undertaking this time and had packed a good food supply to take with them.
The third day there were fewer travelers upon the road, but they met an occasional patrol from Berkhamstead. Sebastian told Lillyth they had nothing to fear from these Norman soldiers, and she relaxed and enjoyed the beautiful countryside. The Chiltern Hills were dotted with sheep, and they stopped for fresh milk from grazing dairy herds. The weather held out fair for the entire journey as they followed the River Colne until it branched off to the River Cade, and Sebastian told her that they would follow this river until they came to Berkhamstead. Behind them on the road, the thud of hooves became louder, and a small group of horsemen over-took them. Lillyth was surprised to see the handsome fair-haired man she had met at the goldsmith's in London at the head of the horsemen. When they passed by, the man swept off his hat and bowed low in the saddle to Lillyth. She nodded her head and Sebastian asked, "Do you know him, child?"
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