“Yes, sir,” said Sparrowhawk. She knew it well. Most of the time, she was the one who did the snooping to uncover the problem areas on bases the general went to inspect. The local officers might manage to hide things from the general, but very few of them could hide anything from her. She’d been ready to do it on Zenobia, but the general had been so involved in his golf match that he’d never asked her for her findings.
“I don’t have much use for Jester, but I give him credit for how he handled it,” said the general, staring out the window. “Clever dog called his troops out late at night, right when they’d least expect him, and gave ’em the royal roasting, as hot as I could’ve done it myself. Did my heart good to see it. I think the boy’s beginning to understand how to treat those scum. If he’ll keep it up a few more years, Omega might actually start to look like a Legion company.” And shrimps might learn to whistle, too, he added silently. “Then I might just remember where I filed Jester’s promotion papers.”
Blitzkrieg chuckled and took another sip of his drink. Then he leaned back and said, “Or did I just pitch them? I suppose I’ll have to look into it … someday.”
“Yes, sir,” said Sparrowhawk, who knew exactly where those promotion papers were. Mailing them to the captain was one of several things—not the first, but high up—on her private list of actions to be taken if the general ever stepped over certain lines she had defined in her own mind. Being a powerful man’s confidential assistant brought with it a certain amount of power over one’s superior. She knew that exercising that power might be the last thing she did in her capacity as a Legion officer. But she knew that General Blitzkrieg’s subsequent career would also be quite short—and thoroughly unpleasant.
The general, who was naturally unaware of her thoughts, rubbed his chin. “Anyway, it’ll be good to get back to the office. I didn’t expect this visit to end up as a golfing vacation, but in a way I’m glad it did. My game’s as sharp as it’s been in ages—why, I whipped that young upstart five or six different ways, even though he did try bringing in that little lizard as a ringer. I must say, he got lucky the last day we played. And then, to run completely out of balls! You’d think that’s something any golf course would make sure to have plenty of.”
“Yes, it does seem odd,” said Sparrowhawk smugly.
“Just as well in the long run,” mused the general. “I need to get back to Rahnsome Base. I expect the boys’ve missed me—and I’ve got some damn good stories for them now. Some of those fellows never get out in the field, see the troops, at all. Good way to go soft, if you ask me.”
“Yes, sir,” said Sparrowhawk. “As much as I enjoy getting out of the office, there’s going to be plenty of work waiting when we’re back.”
“It’ll be a little longer yet,” said Blitzkrieg. “We stop over at Lorelei, you know. I have a lucky feeling, and I’m going to put it to the test in those casinos. You need to play that kind of hunch when you have it.”
“Very good, sir,” said Sparrowhawk. “I hope you’ll forgive me if I catch up with some work instead. I’m afraid I’ve never been very good at gambling.” Why gamble when you’ve got a sure thing in the market? was her unspoken thought.
“All work, no play, eh? You’ll wear yourself out at a young age,” said the general. “One reason I can keep going is that I’ve learned to pace myself, take time to smell the roses and pick a few, too. Why, I remember …” And the general was off on one of his rambling, self-congratulatory reminiscences.
Sparrowhawk smiled quietly. She’d heard it all a thousand times before. An occasional nod or “Yes, sir,” would suffice to convince Blitzkrieg that she was listening. And when they got to Lorelei, she’d take the opportunity to revamp her stock portfolio. All of a sudden, Phule-Proof Munitions was looking like a must-have commodity …
* * *
“Back again!” said Phule as he stepped off the shuttle onto Zenobian soil. “Funny, this place is starting to feel like home.”
“I wouldn’t get too used to it, sir,” said Beeker. The butler followed close behind Phule, arm in arm with Nightingale. They’d decided, after some discussion, to end their vacation in Rome and travel back to Zenobia with Phule. He continued, “The Space Legion does have a policy of rotating its personnel from one assignment to another. In the normal course of things, another company will eventually get the Zenobia assignment. Now that General Blitzkrieg’s had a chance to see the place, he may realize that Zenobia is hardly the hardship duty he thought he was doling out when he agreed to let Omega Company come here.”
“Don’t bet on it, Captain,” said Lieutenant Armstrong, who’d accompanied Gears out to meet the shuttle. He chuckled, and added, “After some of what happened to him here, the general’s likely to think Zenobia’s the worst hellhole in the galaxy.”
“Really?” said Phule, raising an eyebrow. “I hope the company didn’t go out of its way to give the general trouble …”
“Oh, no,” said Armstrong. “In fact, we went out of our way to make him feel at home. Built a golf course for him and everything …”
“A golf course?” Phule’s eyebrow went up another notch. “That’s definitely bending over backward. I didn’t know anyone here even played. I mean, it’s been years since I even had a set of clubs, but I daresay I hit the ball pretty well back when I was in practice.”
“I—and a few other people on base—will be glad to give you the chance to prove that,” said Armstrong, grinning. “Just one warning—we’ve had a lot of practice since you were gone.”
“Practice?” Phule was even more puzzled. “I thought the general was here … How in the galaxy did you ever get a chance to practice golf while he was stalking around and growling at everything on the base?”
“Well, it’s a long story,” said Armstrong. “Why don’t we get you back to your office, and you can listen to it in comfort, with a cold drink in your hand?”
“Excellent advice,” said Beeker. “I suggest we follow it, sir. There are tales to tell on all sides.”
“So it appears,” said Phule, shaking his head in bewilderment. “Gears, pop open that luggage compartment, and we’ll stow our gear for the ride back.”
“Sure thing, Captain,” said Gears, pushing the button to open the hatch. Phule lifted his duffel bag, and Gears stepped out to help stow the luggage.
Suddenly a voice came from the intercom speaker on the hoverjeep’s dash: Mother, from Comm Central. “Welcome back, darlin’—you too, Beeky. Suggest you all duck inside the jeep for a sec—we got another incoming shuttle, and you might want to get out of the backwash when it lands.”
“Another shuttle?” Phule was genuinely astounded now. “Who in the world could be landing so soon after us? Why didn’t the shuttle service put them on the same ship as us?”
“I dunno, but I reckon we’re about to find out,” said Gears, tossing in Phule’s bag and returning to the driver’s seat. “Hop in and close the doors, unless y’all want dust in your drawers.”
“I’ll take a pass on that,” said Nightingale, climbing into the jeep’s back seat. Phule, Beeker, and Armstrong followed suit. After a moment, they could make out a moving object high above the desert, somewhat to the east of the landing site. Gradually, it came west and descended until they could see that it was, in fact, another shuttle like the one Phule’s group had arrived in. In due time it slowed and touched down in a cloud of dust not far from the first shuttle, which was still waiting for its passengers to clear the area before taking off again.
After a couple of minutes, the dust settled. To Phule’s surprise, two familiar figures, both in Legion uniform, emerged. “Sushi!” he exclaimed. “Do-Wop! What were you two doing off-world?”
“Chasin’ our tails in a circle,” said Do-Wop sourly. “If it hadn’t been for the last bit, I’d say it was all a waste of time.”
“Waste of time? How can you say that?” said Sushi, although he had a weary look on his face. “You’ve had a first-class tour of the triff
est vacation spots of the galaxy at company expense. And in the end, we did our job—see, the captain’s home, all in one piece. And so are Beeker and Nightingale.”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Do-Wop. “Except we’re back on a freakin’ Legion base too. Back to the same lousy routine, sergeants and marchin’ and orders and drills … You tellin’ me that’s good?”
“It could be worse, young man,” said Beeker with a barely raised eyebrow.
Do-Wop stared at the butler, scowling. “OK, I’ll bite,” he said at last. “What’s worse than the same lousy routine?”
“Why, no routine at all,” said Beeker. “I would find it intolerable to arise each morning with no clear idea what to expect that day.”
“I can vouch for that,” said Nightingale, smiling at the butler. “I had to hide the power module for his Port-a-Brain to stop him from trying to work on the captain’s portfolio. He was so antsy for his routine that he couldn’t just take it easy, even on vacation.”
“That sounds just like good old Beeker,” said Phule, grinning. “I guess I know why you never saw my emails, too.”
“As much as I enjoyed the vacation, I have to say I was disappointed not to be able to use the computer, sir,” said the butler, holding his head high. “After all, if I’d been able to work on your portfolio, I’d have had a perfect excuse to skip the Floribunda Fete.”
“You jerk!” said Nightingale, punching him on the arm—but grinning at the same time. “Just see if I take you along on my next vacation!”
“That’s all right,” said Lieutenant Rembrandt. “Next time you go on vacation, I think there’ll be plenty of volunteers to go with you. In fact, you can put me first on the list. How about you, Armstrong?”
Armstrong raised a quizzical eyebrow. “What, and miss golfing with the general?” he said.
Phule knew he’d eventually figure out why everyone found Armstrong’s remark so hilarious. For now, he was just glad to be back with Omega Company.
About the Author
Robert Lynn Asprin was an American science fiction and fantasy author, best known for his MythAdventures and Phule’s Company series. As an active fan of the genres, he was a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, a co-founder of the Great Dark Horde, and founder of the Dorsai Irregulars. He was nominated for the Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation for The Capture in 1976.
Asprin died in 2008 at the age of 61 having published over fifty novels and several short stories.
Peter Jewell Heck is an American science fiction and mystery author, best known for his “Mark Twain Mysteries” and Phule’s Company series. He was an editor for Ace Books and is a regular reviewer for Asimov’s Science Fiction and Kirkus Reviews.
If You Liked …
If you liked Phule’s Errand you might also enjoy:
Five by Five
Five by Five 2: No Surrender
Five by Five 3: Target Vector
Other WordFire Press Titles by Robert Asprin
Phule’s Company
Phule’s Paradise
Phule Me Twice
A Phule and His Money
No Phule Like an Old Phule
Our list of other WordFire Press authors and titles is always growing. To find out more and to see our selection of titles, visit us at:
wordfirepress.com
The Complete Phule’s Company Boxed Set Page 168