He nodded brusquely. Her coming had changed his life. For the first time in nearly a year Paul wasn’t suffocating under the burden of emotional pain, suffocating under the strain of nurturing his children alone. Leah had provided much more than child care, though. She’d cheered his grief-stricken heart, given him a reason to wake up every morning, brought him into the sunlight.
“What about her health insurance?”
“Her health insurance?” Paul exploded. First his father said Leah’s reputation was on the line and now he was worried about her health insurance.
“When you said she’d be moving in with you for the next couple of years, I wondered,” his father continued. “From what I understand, the college benefit program will only carry her for a few more months and then she’ll be canceled. In this day and age, no one can risk going without medical insurance.”
“I …hadn’t thought of that.” Now that he’d simmered down, Paul felt like a selfish jerk. He’d never bothered to ask Leah about her medical coverage. He’d been so grateful for her help he hadn’t stopped to fully consider the cost of her sacrifice.
“What about her other benefits? Will she be losing those, as well?”
“I don’t know.”
“While we’re discussing Leah, let me bring up something else. Have you had your will altered?” his father asked.
“My…will?”
“Your legal affairs need to be in order, son. If anything were to happen to you now, what would become of the children? With Diane gone, they could be made wards of the state unless there’s some provision for them in your will.”
Paul was stunned by his lack of foresight. “I didn’t realize.” He slowly expelled his breath and rubbed a weary hand down his face. “I’ll make an appointment with James first thing in the morning.” Although Christy had broken her engagement with James Wilkens, the attorney remained a good family friend.
“You need to do more than that,” his father said emphatically.
“I do?” Paul could only guess at what else he’d let slide.
Eric Manning hesitated. It wasn’t often Paul saw indecision in his father’s face. “You might not like what I’m about to say. You can tell me it’s none of my business, and you’d be right, but since you asked, I’m going to tell you. I think you should marry Leah. The sooner the better.”
* * *
“Would you like some iced tea?” Leah asked Paul’s mother, trying to disguise her nervousness.
The sliding glass door to the backyard was open, and she kept her eye on the twins. Only that morning she’d found them weeding the garden; unfortunately they’d yanked up all the herbs she’d planted with such care.
“No, thank you, my dear.” Elizabeth pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down.
Elizabeth lowered her eyes to her hands, folded atop the table, as though she, too, felt on edge. “I’ve been meaning to have this talk with you for some time, Leah. I probably shouldn’t have waited this long.”
Leah’s heart seemed to stop. Paul’s mother knew. As hard as Leah had struggled to hide it, Elizabeth had read the love in her eyes. And if she’d recognized that, then surely she’d seen the guilt and the confusion.
Leah sank into the chair across from Paul’s mother. It was all she could do not to cry out that she’d never meant for Paul to kiss her.
“Our family is deeply indebted to you, Leah,” his mother began.
“Nonsense.”
“No,” Elizabeth said firmly. “We’re grateful for the way you’ve stepped in and helped Paul and the children. You’ve made a world of difference to their lives, and ours, too.
“I was terribly worried about Paul after Diane died, you know. I thought he might need counselling, but he gradually worked through his grief.”
“We both have.” Learning to deal with her sister’s death had been a painful process for Leah, too.
“The twins are doing so much better,” Elizabeth went on. “You were right, they needed their own home and their own toys and familiar friends. These last two months have been good for Ryan and Ronnie. There’s color in their cheeks and they’re laughing again. And Kelsey’s growing like a weed.”
“I found her standing up this morning. That little rascal’s going to be walking soon.” Leah had difficulty keeping the pride out of her voice.
Elizabeth beamed. “That’s a perfect example of what I mean.”
“You give me more credit than I deserve.”
“I doubt it.” Elizabeth’s smile slowly faded, and her blue eyes grew serious. “I believe you told Paul you’d be willing to stay with him and the children until the boys were in school full-time and Kelsey’s in preschool?”
Leah nodded. “He won’t have to deal with three preschoolers a couple of years down the road. By then, he’ll be able to deal with the situation a lot better.”
“What do you think will happen to the children after you leave?” Elizabeth asked candidly.
“I—I don’t understand.”
“How do you think the twins and Kelsey will react once you move out?” she elaborated.
“That’s several years away. There’s no way of knowing how they’ll feel.”
“I think there is. The twins have already lost their mother, and we’re both aware of how deeply Diane’s death affected them.”
Leah said nothing, her heart growing heavy with doubts.
“As for Kelsey…you’re the only mother she’s ever known.”
“Oh, dear,” Leah breathed. “I never thought… I just didn’t realize…” She’d been so stupid, so blind. She’d hoped her moving in with Paul would be a solution; instead it was creating more problems. The time would come when she’d have to go. She couldn’t continue living with Paul indefinitely.
“What should I do?” she asked, her eyes pleading with Paul’s mother. “I can’t leave the children now—I love them so much.” A panicky feeling washed over her. She’d been foolish and thoughtless, but it was too late to change that now.
“I know how you feel about the children.”
That was something else Leah had failed to consider—her own feelings. She loved these children as much as if she’d given birth to them herself. Walking away from them would be agony—unbearable agony.
“There is a solution.” Elizabeth’s voice came through the haze of regrets in Leah’s mind. “Although you may not completely agree with me…”
Leah raised her eyes to Elizabeth’s, her heart in turmoil. “Solution?” she whispered.
“Leah, I’ve upset you.”
“No…no.” She reached for Elizabeth’s hands. “You’ve pointed out some things I should’ve considered. I can’t believe I was so…thoughtless.”
Elizabeth nodded and, looking a bit uneasy, asked, “I hope you won’t feel I’m prying—but how’s your relationship with Paul?”
Leah could feel the color rise to her cheeks. “We get along…just fine. We always have. He’s wonderful with the children, and I’ve always liked and respected him.” She knew she was talking too fast, but couldn’t make herself slow down.
“So, the two of you are compatible?”
“Oh, yes—we haven’t had a single disagreement.” She didn’t think she could count a kiss as a dispute. Perhaps if they were at odds more often, she wouldn’t feel this growing attraction to him.
“I hear from Paul that you’re dating a fellow professor.”
“Sort of…yes. His name’s Rob Mullins, and we’ve gone out a couple of times in the last few weeks.” She didn’t mention that she wouldn’t be seeing Rob again.
Elizabeth hesitated, and Leah had the impression she found this part of the conversation disconcerting. “Do you have…feelings for Rob?”
Leah frowned, not sure where Elizabeth was going with this. “Not exactly—we’re friends.”
Elizabeth seemed relieved at that. Her smile broadened, and she gently squeezed Leah’s fingers. “As I said earlier, I think Eric and I may have come across the perfect
solution. We talked about it at some length and although we’re well aware that what happens between you and Paul is none of our concern, we felt we needed to speak up.”
“Of course.”
Elizabeth made a shallow attempt at a smile. “Have you ever thought of marrying Paul?”
Marrying Paul?
For some reason Leah recalled the night before, when she’d been unable to sleep and had left her room, hoping a glass of milk would help. She hadn’t known Paul was up. If she had, she would never have ventured into the hallway. Would never have opened her door.
By the time she noticed her mistake, it was too late. Although she’d plastered herself against the wall in the hallway, willing him to pass and return to his own room, he’d stayed where he was, his eyes meeting hers in the dim light.
Before she could stop herself, Leah had realized they were only inches apart. She’d so desperately wanted his touch that she’d nearly swayed into his arms.
How they were able to break away from each other Leah didn’t know. She hadn’t realized it was possible for two people to come so close to making love without even touching.
“Leah?” Elizabeth’s voice broke into her thoughts.
“Yes?” Startled, she looked up, surprised to find that Paul and his father were in the room.
“I believe we’ve given these two something to think about,” Eric Manning was saying. “We should leave now and let them discuss it in privacy.”
Elizabeth stood and Leah did, too, impulsively hugging Paul’s mother. She closed her eyes for a moment, wondering how to rectify what she’d done. These past few weeks had been among the happiest of her life. For the first time since childhood, she felt as though she belonged, as though she was needed and loved. But in her ignorance she’d overlooked what should’ve been obvious. Worse, she didn’t know what to do about it. Elizabeth’s suggestion would never work. Paul wouldn’t want to marry her. Nor should he have to.
Paul and his father exchanged handshakes, and then Paul escorted his parents to the front door. Leah set her iced tea glass in the sink.
When he returned to the kitchen, Leah was staring down at the kitchen table. Then, seeking his reassurance, she slowly raised her eyes to his.
“Tell me about your health insurance!” Paul said, sounding angry.
“My…health insurance?”
“Yes.” It was so rare for Paul to raise his voice that he’d shocked her.
“I could be ruining the children’s lives, and you’re worried about my health insurance?”
“What?” He shook his head. “You’ve been canceled, haven’t you?” he demanded.
Leah shrank from the cold fury she saw in him. “I don’t know…. Is it important?”
“Yes. And what did you mean you’ve ‘ruined the children’s lives’? You’ve been our salvation!” He rammed both hands through his hair. “I’m the one who’s been selfish.” He walked away from her, then pivoted sharply. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“About my health insurance? Trust me, Paul, I was dealing with more important matters.”
“Like planting a garden?”
“Yes, like planting a garden.” She didn’t understand his anger. It was so unlike him. She turned away, fighting tears. “If it’ll make you happy, I’ll see to it tomorrow morning. Why are you acting like this?”
“My father pointed out a few home truths.” He grimaced. “I can’t believe I’ve been so obtuse. I should never have allowed you to move in.”
Leah thought she might be physically sick. Paul was going to send her away. For all the reasons his mother had mentioned.
“No!” Her cry came straight from her heart. “I won’t let you do it.”
“Do what?”
“Send me away. I’ll fight you. I’ll even fight your parents, but I refuse to leave Kelsey and the twins.” And you, she added silently.
“Send you away?” Paul repeated, aghast. “I shouldn’t have let you come, but now that you’re here, I’d never make you go….” He hesitated, suddenly pale. “Unless that’s what you want.”
Tears of release and relief filled her eyes. She brushed them aside, not wanting Paul to know how badly she’d needed his assurance.
“Do you want to leave, Leah?”
She glared at him, her eyes defiant. “No! I just got done telling you that.”
He sighed and took one step toward her, then stopped, his look intense. “Did my mother suggest the same solution to you as my dad did to me?”
Leah watched him closely, hoping to read his reaction. “She…thought we should get married.”
“And?”
“And… I haven’t had time to think about it. But it seems…above and beyond the call of duty for you to marry me.”
Paul’s eyes narrowed as he studied her. Apparently he didn’t understand.
“I already explained I’m not the marrying kind,” she added, trying to salvage what remained of her pride.
“I never have understood that attitude. You’re a warm, gracious, generous woman. What makes you think you’re unmarriageable?”
Leah laughed nervously. She’d never received much attention from the opposite sex, not even when she was younger and prettier. She was too bookish for most men. Too serious. She hadn’t fallen in love in her twenties, and by the time she was thirty, she’d ruled out any possibility of marriage.
“I mean it.” Paul sounded angry again.
Leah hesitated. Her heart was racing with hope. For the first time in her life she had a chance at real happiness, a promise of something more than she’d ever dared dream. A family. Home. Love. Yes, it had all belonged to her sister, but Diane had come to her in the dream. Diane had sent her to Paul and the children.
“Are you saying you’d be willing to marry me?” she asked in a rush.
Paul buried his hands in his pockets. “Yes. If it wasn’t so unfair to you.”
“Unfair?”
“Leah, look around you! I’m raising three motherless children. I’ll be paying Diane’s hospital bills for the next two years and—”
“I know all that.”
“I don’t have anything to offer you.”
Only a wealth beyond her wildest dreams—a wealth that had nothing to do with material things. He was offering her more love than she’d ever thought to find.
“What about the children I love? A home? A family?”
When Paul’s gaze connected with hers, he looked uncertain. “That would be enough for you?”
Leah nodded.
His voice was gruff with emotion when he spoke. “Will you marry me, Leah, for all our sakes?”
In a heartbeat. “Yes,” she whispered. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Paul.”
Seven
“We’re mature adults,” Leah said as solemnly as she could. “We both realize this isn’t a love match.”
“We’re going into this with our eyes wide open,” Paul agreed.
“Exactly.” The relief she felt knowing she wouldn’t be forced to leave the children was so great that Leah slumped in the kitchen chair, holding up her head with both hands. She brushed loose strands of hair from her forehead and smiled weakly up at Paul.
“There is love involved, though,” Paul said pointedly, studying her.
She’d never been more aware of a man’s look. Engrossed in it. Absorbed. Since the night they’d kissed, she’d noticed that the way Paul looked at her had changed. Once again she wished she was more experienced in relationships, because she couldn’t say exactly how it had changed—or what it meant. He seemed to watch her more closely, his gaze bolder, less veiled. She glanced up to see that he was still waiting for her to respond to his statement.
“Naturally there’s love involved,” she said, speaking too quickly. “We both love the children,” she added, hating the breathless quality of her words.
Paul pulled out a chair and sat across from her. “The children are a vitally important part of this, but there’s more involved here.
I want to know what you feel for me.”
Leah had come to know a directness about Paul that she loved…and feared. Her own manner was more subtle and she tended to think more slowly and methodically. To her, every aspect of a problem needed to be analyzed and then logically examined. It was the way she lived her life.
Paul, on the other hand, had neither the time nor the patience to mull over any issue. He wrote to a deadline, and believed that it shouldn’t take more than five minutes to think through a situation.
Defining feelings seemed to come more easily to him, as well. Leah had always found that difficult.
“Leah?” Paul prodded when she didn’t answer right away.
“I … I don’t know what I feel for you.” It was an honest answer…as honest as she dared. She was afraid to love him, and even more afraid that she already did. He made her experience emotions, physical desires, that she hadn’t known she was capable of feeling.
“What do you expect from this marriage?” Paul asked her next.
“I don’t know that, either. I haven’t had time to think about it.” Then it struck her, something she should’ve considered much earlier. “What exactly do you expect?”
“A wife.”
He left it at that, left it for her to fill in the blanks. “I …see.”
“Do you, Leah? After we’re married, I’ll want you to move into my bedroom, share my life and my bed.” He hesitated as though he expected an argument. “I realize you don’t love me now, but I’m hoping you will in time. Do you have a problem with that?”
Talking so openly had always made Leah uneasy. She lowered her eyes. “No…but do you honestly think we can make a marriage work?”
“Of course. Otherwise I’d never agree to it, and neither would you.”
“I’ve been so obtuse,” she said, recalling her conversation with his mother. “I can’t believe I was so inconsiderate. I really hadn’t given any thought to how the children would feel after I moved out.”
“I wasn’t thinking too clearly myself.”
“It’s so unlike me.”
“I know. Me, too.”
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