by Suzi Davis
“I… I…” Clarke took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter, holding his jaw at an arrogant angle. “I came to visit Grace, we are friends, you know.”
“No, I don’t. Now I’m warning you, and I will only warn you once: try to come between us again and you won’t live to regret it.”
“Sebastian, what’s wrong with you?” I couldn’t understand his bizarre reaction to Clarke’s presence. If he remembered what Clarke had once done, shouldn’t he also remember forgiving him? Why was he so angry? And why was he acting so aggressive?
Sebastian ignored me.
“Now tell me why you’re really here.” He glared at Clarke expectantly.
“Because… I’m getting married,” Clarke admitted, not quite able to keep the petulant tone from his voice.
Sebastian blinked in surprise, though his expression didn’t change.
“And I wanted to invite Grace—and you—to the wedding,” Clarke continued. “It’s short notice, I’m getting married on Sunday, but it would mean a lot to me to have you there.” Clarke addressed the last part to me only, his voice just a little too warm, his eyes lingering on me for just a second too long. Sebastian tensed again. Was he jealous?
“It’s Grace’s birthday on Sunday,” Sebastian informed him stiffly. “We have plans.”
“Oh.” Clarke’s expression fell. He shifted uncomfortably. I could see his nerves building as he thought about the wedding, I could see how he really did want me there. I sighed.
“We can change our plans.” Sebastian finally acknowledged me with a glare but I ignored him this time. “I’ll be there.” I couldn’t speak for Sebastian, but I could promise to be there at least.
Clarke smiled, looking relieved. “Thanks, Grace. It really does mean a lot.”
“I know.” I turned to Sebastian, my eyes silently asking him to understand. He muttered something indistinguishable, his jaw still clenched.
“Fine. It’s your birthday, if you really want to go, I will be standing there beside you,” Sebastian told me. He continued to glare at Clarke, as if challenging him to object.
“Thank you.”
“Can we bring David?” Sebastian suddenly asked. His voice was still cold but his whole demeanor was slowly and reluctantly relaxing. He winced, rubbing lightly at his temple.
“Um… sure, I guess,” Clarke agreed with a shrug. He gave me a quizzical look.
“David is a friend we met in Europe. He was in the explosion with us in Greece and he’s moved to Canada. He’s staying with the Jensons as well.”
“Oh. Cool.” Clarke stood. “Guess I’ll meet him on Sunday then. I should get going.” He took a step towards me as if he were about to hug me goodbye but one glance at Sebastian seemed to change his mind. “Thanks, Grace. For everything. I’ll see you Sunday?”
“I’ll be there,” I repeated.
“Sebastian.” Clarke gave him a nod as he walked past him, giving him a wider berth than necessary. Sebastian barely acknowledged him, his brows pulled down in confusion, his head bent low. He stumbled slightly and leant against the wall.
“Sebastian, are you ok?” I whispered, not wanting Clarke to hear for some reason.
Sebastian nodded. He reopened his eyes and met mine. I breathed a sigh of relief to see his eyes were a soft gray with just the slightest hint of mysterious blue in their depths. Those hard, black eyes of an angry and dangerous stranger had disappeared. Now he just looked tired.
“I’ll be right back,” I murmured. He nodded again, still appearing distracted as I followed Clarke out of the room and led him to the front door. Once he had left, I returned to the living room to find Sebastian still standing where I had left him, leaning heavily against the wall. I approached him cautiously.
“When you first saw Clarke… you remembered something too, didn’t you?” I asked.
His eyes snapped open.
“Too?”
“Yes. When I first came home, the sight of Clarke’s face and the surprise of seeing him here jogged my memory somehow, or at least a small part of it. I remembered—”
“Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know,” Sebastian cut in.
“What?”
“I don’t want to know. Let’s leave the past alone, Grace, and focus on the future.”
“But…” I was too shocked to speak. I couldn’t believe that even after regaining some of our memories, Sebastian still didn’t want to talk about the past. “What did you remember? Why were you acting so strangely? And why can’t we talk about it?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he repeated stubbornly, his eyes darkening.
“Well, I do,” I retorted. We stared at each other, silently fuming.
“I was jealous,” Sebastian finally admitted, his eyes softening slightly. He raked his fingers quickly through his hair, massaging his skull as he did so. “He was the last person I expected to see when I opened the door. And to find you sitting together so closely, holding hands like that… it made me feel so angry, angrier than I’ve felt in a very long time. I was just confused for a moment.”
“But you did remember something,” I prompted.
“Let it go, Grace,” he muttered, shaking his head as if disappointed in me somehow. “Please, just let it go. For me?”
He reached out to me as he spoke, his eyes soft and warm, his gaze imploring. I still didn’t understand but there was no way I could refuse him when he was looking at me like that.
“For you,” I whispered as I slipped into his awaiting arms.
I couldn’t let it go, not really. I pretended to, I tried hard not to bring it up again but it was all I could think about. I couldn’t just forget now, not when I’d started to remember. That quick glimpse into one of the holes in my memory was enough to ignite the spark of my curiosity into a raging inferno. I had to know. I wanted to know so badly, it hurt. I couldn’t just let myself forget.
The following days were torture. I felt like I was losing my mind. Each morning I awoke exhausted, more tired and worn out from my dreams than I had been when I laid down to sleep. I could never clearly remember the dreams but I always awoke disturbed, upset and afraid by something I couldn’t quite remember. The shadows in my room seemed to constantly shift around me. My paranoia continued to increase with my lack of sleep and I felt eyes watching me wherever I went. And to make it worse, I was all alone. I couldn’t talk to Sebastian, and I certainly couldn’t talk to my mother or the Jensons about what was going on. The only other person who might possibly understand was David. But whenever I thought about going to him, something would always come up that deterred me, almost as if the universe were trying to warn me not to confide in him.
My birthday was a welcome distraction when it finally came. I awoke that morning in a cold sweat, trembling and disoriented from my terrifying dreams. I couldn’t escape the feeling of danger, of impending doom settling down around me. I showered and dressed as quickly as possible, humming to myself the whole while to block out the strange whispered words I could almost hear in the silence around me.
“Happy birthday to you!” Mr. Jenson began singing loudly as I walked into the kitchen. Mrs. Jenson, Sebastian and even David joined in, presenting me with a stack of blueberry pancakes doused in syrup and whipped cream with a single lighted candle on top. I laughed, momentarily forgetting my troubles as I blew out the flickering flame.
“Did you make a wish?” Sebastian teased, his eyes bright.
“No, um… actually, I forgot,” I confessed.
“Grace, nineteen isn’t quite old enough to start forgetting things,” Sebastian mock-scolded.
“What does she need to wish for anyway?” David spoke up. He met my eye levelly, his gaze intense and direct. “She can have anything she wants.”
“You make it sound as if Grace is spoiled,” Mrs. Jenson softly chastised. I gave her a quick, thankful smile which she returned warmly. “She might come from wealth but she’s absolutely down-to-earth and genuine,” she scolded Dav
id.
“Is there anything you want for your birthday? I didn’t get you another gift, as you requested, but it’s not too late to change your mind,” Sebastian joined in. I avoided looking David’s way but I could feel his eyes on me still.
“No, I just want to spend the day with you.”
“Then let’s finish breakfast and go for a walk,” Sebastian suggested with a smile. “And then once we get back we should probably start getting ready for Clarke and Tanya’s wedding… unless you’ve changed your mind about going?”
“No, I promised him I’d be there. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to…”
“I’ll be wherever you are,” he smoothly replied. The topic of Clarke’s wedding didn’t seem to be bothering him at all today, for which I was grateful. “And David too. If you still want to come?”
“I might as well,” he shrugged.
“My mother was invited too. I think she might bring her new ‘friend’, Dr. Mackey,” I commented. “Ugh, I just hope that she doesn’t remember I have access to the trust fund my father set up to me now that I’m nineteen. I don’t want to get into that with her again.”
“Sounds fun,” Mr. Jenson murmured. Mrs. Jenson gave him a disapproving look, appreciating his sarcasm just as much as I did.
“We’ll make sure it’s an unforgettable evening for you, Grace,” David reassured me. I smiled but my heart just wasn’t in it, something didn’t feel right.
After breakfast, Sebastian and I took a long walk through Beacon Hill Park. I carefully avoided topics such as memories, headaches, paranoia and nightmares. I knew we would just end up arguing and I didn’t want to fight with him on my birthday—I didn’t want to fight with him any day. It made me sad that we couldn’t see eye-to-eye on this.
So we strolled around under the trees, leaves crunching beneath our feet, and over the bridges that arched across the duck ponds, and through the wilting gardens beneath the weak, autumn sun. Instead we spoke only of idle things, laughing and joking, teasing and flirting and I found myself actually relaxing, the sensation of being followed disappearing, the shadows no longer lurking on the edges of my vision.
“I could listen to you laugh all day,” Sebastian commented as we started slowly making our way back towards the Jensons’ home. “Especially when you snort like that.”
“I do not snort!” I denied, trying to sound indignant. The effect was ruined when I started giggling again. Sebastian grinned.
“You do but don’t worry, it’s adorable. It makes you sound like a happy, little pig, it’s very cute.”
“Are you calling me a pig?”
“A beautiful, happy, little pig,” Sebastian corrected, his eyes sparkling, his mirth barely contained.
“You’re such a charmer.” I threw a light punch into his shoulder.
“Ah! Ouch!” Sebastian grabbed his arm, over-dramatically rubbing the spot where I’d hit him. “I’m not sure if I should marry you after all. I never pictured myself in an abusive relationship like this.”
“Do you want me to really hit you?” I threatened, teasingly. He held up his hands, shaking his head and grinning.
“No ma’am! I’ve seen what you can do when you’re really mad.”
“You have?” I frowned.
“Yes. Clarke’s lip actually swelled up quite noticeably after you…” His voice trailed off, his expression abruptly going blank and cold as he realized his mistake.
“After I hit him,” I finished quietly. I remembered now. It was right after I’d discovered he was the one to blame for the attack on Sebastian. I had been so angry, so furious, I had punched him in the face. “You remember too.”
“Grace, don’t,” Sebastian warned, his eyes pleading with me. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to remember.”
“But why? I don’t understand, Sebastian.”
“Because…” He ran his fingers through his hair, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as if in pain. “I remember them beating me,” he whispered, without opening his eyes. “I remember the pain and the fear and the hatred. And then I remember you breaking up with me, you leaving me while I was still in the hospital. The pain of that was unbearable, much worse… But I understood why you did it. I didn’t deserve you.” He opened his eyes and I was shocked by the anguish in them. “Please, Grace. I don’t want to remember any of my past life. Don’t make me.”
I didn’t know what to say. I numbly nodded, my lips parted but silent, speechless. I didn’t understand. I felt like he might remember more than I did but maybe he was right, maybe we were better off not remembering. If it hurt him this much, how could it be a good thing? But why had I broken up with him that day? And why would he say he didn’t deserve me? What could he have ever done that would make him possibly think that? A part of me still hungered for answers and knowledge but for now, I pushed it aside. I couldn’t bear to see Sebastian in such misery.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I stepped forward and pulled myself against him, relief sweeping through me as his warm arms surrounded me and held me tight. “Let’s forget for now. I can do that.”
“Thank you,” he sighed into my hair.
Even though I had promised to try to forget, I could only half-heartedly pretend. For the rest of the day, I was haunted by the image of the pain and anguish in Sebastian’s eyes as he had said he didn’t deserve me. It was all I could think about as I dressed and got ready to go to Clarke’s wedding. And the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that even though the past might be difficult to face, and even though we might remember things we’d rather forget, we still needed to know what we’d been through. I needed to know, to understand how I’d gotten to where I was today. There were too many unanswered questions, too many mysteries that I couldn’t leave unsolved.
When I came downstairs, ready to go to the wedding, Sebastian’s eyes held no trace of the pain that had flooded them just an hour before. In fact, his eyes were wide and bright, lit with joy as he watched me descend the staircase. The fabric of my silver, sequined cocktail dress seemed to almost float as it flowed from the silver satin band at my waist and lightly brushed against my legs.
“You look stunning,” he breathed. He smiled as he noticed I still wore the necklace he’d given me. I’d carefully curled and pinned my hair back from my face just to show the beautiful necklace off.
“Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself.” He actually looked very handsome with his hair neatly combed, his jaw freshly shaven and a dark, buttoned vest over his gray collared shirt with the top button left undone. I smiled as I noticed how he hadn’t worn a tie and though his black pants were clean and pressed, they were still held up by a studded, leather belt. His black combat boots peeked out from underneath his trouser cuffs. Our eyes met, and he gave me a heart-stopping grin; he really did look amazing.
“Be careful you don’t make the bride jealous,” David drawled as he came around the corner at the bottom of the stairs. I swallowed hard as I looked at him. He wore a crisp, dark suit, the cut and fabric speaking of expensive tastes without being overly ostentatious. He looked very handsome and very… dark, and dangerous. I shifted nervously, dropping my gaze to the floor.
“Don’t worry. Tanya won’t mind that we’re there,” Sebastian reassured me, reaching for my hand.
“I still want to sit at the back.”
“Your desire, my heart,” Sebastian murmured back. I looked back at him quizzically but I didn’t have time to ask as Mrs. Jenson appeared with a camera and began taking pictures until we were out the door.
I was relieved to discover that Clarke’s idea of a “small” wedding was actually around 250 guests. It was easy for us to slip into one of the back rows at the ceremony, without being noticed by the wedding party or my mother who sat just behind Clarke’s parents in the second row, Dr. Mackey at her side.
The ceremony took place outdoors on one of the large, cliff top lawns outside the Simons’ family home. The wispy blue sky a
nd misty gray ocean provided a simple yet beautiful backdrop to their vows. Clarke looked handsome even though his face was a little gray and his eyes were tight. He did seem to brighten once he saw Tanya coming down the aisle. She looked flawless in her long, white lacy gown that was reminiscent of the one worn most recently at a royal wedding. Her blonde hair had grown longer than when I’d last seen her and it fell in perfect ringlets past her shoulders. Her makeup was simple and clean, allowing the natural, radiant glow of her skin to show through. And she was glowing—the center of attention—marrying Clarke Simons in front of her family and friends, I had never seen her so genuinely happy. She looked stunning.
I held Sebastian’s hand through out the ceremony, finding myself surprisingly moved as Clarke and Tanya exchanged rings and vows. Nerves fluttered in my stomach as I realized that this would be us in just under two months’ time. David lounged in his chair on the other side of Sebastian, seeming bored and unaffected the whole while.
I was nervous after the ceremony when we went up to congratulate the couple. Surprisingly, Clarke and Tanya were both smiling happily and were quite friendly towards Sebastian and myself. David had disappeared somewhere.
“I really appreciate you coming,” Clarke told us warmly as he shook our hands. He looked a lot more relaxed now that the ceremony was over with.
“Yes, so many of our friends couldn’t make it. It’s nice to have you here,” Tanya graciously thanked us with a quick smile. I had never thought of myself as one of Tanya’s friends, even when we were part of the same popular group in high school. She had always made it clear that I was an outsider, barely tolerated. But apparently, we were now finally friends. I wasn’t sure if I appreciated the comment or not.
It was true, there were very few young people present at their wedding. Apart from us, Tanya’s sisters, a few of Clarke’s cousins and some of their parents’ friends’ children it was all older family members and business associates of the Ellis and Simons families. It appeared that Clarke and Tanya didn’t have many real friends.
“You make a beautiful bride, Tanya. Congratulations,” Sebastian smoothly complimented as he lightly kissed Tanya’s hand. She batted her eyelashes, looking a little flustered by the old-fashioned gesture. I hid my smile, politely thanking the bride and groom for having us and then steered Sebastian away.