“Ah, yes. I should have guessed that. She always wears a lavender scent.” Eileen busied herself with the flowers, pulling dead ones out and replacing the water. He watched her in amazement. Nothing rattled this woman. She was a rock. He wished he were as strong.
“Are you bringing the girls here tonight?” she asked as she finished up her work.
“I have to, or Maddie will be livid. What do I tell them, though? I’m afraid seeing their mother this way might scare them.”
“Tell them the truth,” Eileen said gently. “They need to know. If you sugarcoat it, it will be harder if . . .” She hesitated.
“If it gets worse,” Clay finished for her.
Eileen nodded. “I want to think positive, but we always have to prepare, just in case.”
He agreed. But knowing how difficult it was for him to see Jess this way, he worried how the girls would react.
Stepping closer to Clay, Eileen touched his arm lightly. “How are you holding up?”
He was surprised by her gentleness. “I’m okay, but this hit me hard. If I didn’t have to be strong for the girls, I’m afraid of what I might do.”
“Alex and I are here for you, any time of the day or night. Please reach out if you need to.”
“Thank you. I will.”
“Would you like me to come along when you bring the girls tonight?”
“I think I have to do this on my own, but thank you.”
“I won’t mention this to the girls when I pick them up from school. I’ll leave that to you. But don’t hesitate to call me if you need to.”
“I won’t,” Clay said. He managed a smile. “Thank you, Eileen. Knowing you and Alex are right next door is a great comfort.”
After Eileen had left, Clay sat next to the bed again and gazed down at Jess. Eileen’s strength had made him feel stronger. “We’re fighting every step of the way, hon. I’m not giving up on you, and you’re not giving up, either. You hear me?”
He wished he knew if she could hear him.
Clay was at home sitting in the living room when the girls ran through the door. He had his guitar on his lap and was strumming a song. Music always calmed him, and today it helped him sort out his thoughts on how to tell the girls about their mom.
“Daddy!” Jilly yelled as she ran into the room, dragging her heavy backpack. “Play me a song!”
Smiling, he set the guitar aside and hugged her. “How was school today?”
“Great! I beat Jerrod in chess, twice!”
“Twice? How wonderful. Was he mad?” Clay asked, amused.
“Nah. Jerrod doesn’t care if I beat him in a game. He thinks I’m smarter than he is anyway,” she said with an impish grin.
He glanced up and saw Maddie hanging back in the entryway. “Did you have a good day, Madds?”
She shrugged. “It was okay. Are we going to see Mom?”
Clay stiffened involuntarily. “Yes. But I need to talk to you girls before we leave.”
Maddie dropped her backpack and walked into the room. “What about?”
“Come sit down,” he said, standing up, and for the first time since he’d arrived, Maddie did as she was told without question. He grabbed the desk chair and turned it around to sit on it facing the girls, laying his arms on its back to brace himself.
“Your mother is fine; I want you to know that right up front. But she had a setback this morning.” He took a breath as he stared at the girls’ faces. They were watching him intently. “She had a seizure early this morning, and it triggered something that caused her to stop breathing. They put her on a ventilator machine. The doctor doesn’t know why this happened, and even after a scan of her brain, they couldn’t find anything wrong. So for now, she’ll be breathing with the help of the ventilator.”
Maddie’s eyes had grown wide, and Jilly looked confused.
“Is she going to be okay?” Maddie asked, her voice small.
“The doctor says she can still wake up and be fine. That’s what we’re all hoping for, okay? I needed to tell you this so you won’t be frightened when you see her,” he said.
“Why?” Jilly asked.
“Sweetie, Mom has tubes running in and out of her for breathing, and it isn’t scary looking, but if you didn’t know what it was for, it might be upsetting,” Clay said. He walked over and knelt in front of the girls. “I’m sorry, girls. It was a shock to me too. But I believe that your mom will come back to us. I want you to believe that too.”
Jilly nodded slowly, but Maddie only stared at him, her expression unreadable.
“I want to see her,” Maddie said.
He nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Maddie stood, strode out to the entryway, and picked up her backpack. Jilly slowly slid off the sofa and looked up at her father. He forced a smile and offered her his hand, and together they walked out to the car behind Maddie.
When the girls saw Jess, their eyes grew wide. Maddie walked over slowly and stared at her mother, but Jilly hung back.
Clay bent down toward Jilly and said gently, “If you’re scared, sweetie, you can sit back here for a while.”
“I don’t want to be scared,” Jilly whispered. “I want to be brave for Mom.”
“You are brave, sweetie. You’re here, and I bet your mom knows you’re here. Come over and sit on my lap for a while. Once you see her close up, you’ll get used to it.”
Jilly sat with her dad until she grew more comfortable. Maddie, however, just stood there staring at her mother, her expression serious. Clay wished he could get Maddie to open up as easily as Jilly did. It was hard not knowing what she was thinking.
“Are you okay, Madds?” he asked.
She glanced up at him but didn’t answer. Finally, she tugged a chair close to her mother’s bed and sat down. Then she took out her homework and started working on it.
After a time, Jilly slipped off Clay’s lap and tentatively walked over to the bed. She reached over and placed her hand on her mother’s arm, then began telling her about her day at school. “I got an A on my spelling test today, Mom. Maddie helped me study my words last night before bed. You know, like you usually do? And tomorrow, we have a math test, but I’m ready for it. Jerrod and I have been using flash cards to practice.”
She hesitated a moment, then drew closer and whispered, “I’m not scared of that machine that’s helping you breathe. I hope you’re not afraid of it, either.”
Listening to Jilly melted Clay’s heart. She was such a sweet, brave soul. They drove home that night in silence. As they entered the house, Clay asked the girls if he could get them a snack before bed, but both shook their heads and started walking up the stairs. Both girls were halfway up the stairs when suddenly Jilly dropped her backpack, turned, and ran into her father’s arms, sobbing.
“I want Mommy to come home,” she wailed through her tears. “I want her to wake up and be okay again.”
Clay held her tight. “I do too, sweetie. We all do,” he said, glancing up the stairs and seeing Maddie staring down at them, clearly on the verge of tears too. He reached out a hand for her to come join them, but she stood her ground.
“Will Mommy come home?” Jilly asked, turning her tear-streaked face up to him. “Please promise me that she will come home.”
“Oh, Jilly-bear,” he said with a sigh. “I wish I could promise you that, but I can’t. We have to believe she’ll be fine. No matter how hard things get, we’re going to believe.”
Jilly cried as he rocked her in his arms. Finally, he lifted her up and carried her up the stairs with Maddie following behind. Her tears had stopped by the time they reached the bedroom, and he set her on the bed.
“Are you okay, Jilly-bear?” he asked tenderly. Nodding, she wiped her face with her hand.
“I’ll help her get ready for bed,” Maddie offered gently.
Clay turned to her, surprised. “Thank you, Maddie.” He bent down and kissed his younger daughter on the cheek. “Will you be okay?”
Ji
lly nodded. Her eyes were already drooping, exhausted from her tears.
Reluctantly Clay left, but he knew Jilly would fall asleep quickly. Turning at the door, he asked Maddie, “Will you call for me if she needs me tonight?”
Maddie nodded.
In that instant, Clay thought how grown-up she looked. “Good night, girls,” he said. “I love you. More than you’ll ever know.” Then he left the room.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
2003–2004
Clay and Jess were happy and enjoying married life in the months following their wedding. Clay earned enough money so Jess could quit her waitressing job and concentrate on school full-time. They lived in his one-bedroom apartment but didn’t mind the small space because it was just a quick walk from the beach and not too far of a drive for his work or her school.
Friends often gathered at their apartment. His bandmates and many of the studio musicians were always dropping by for a beer and to strum out a tune or two on their guitars. Jess’s pastry classmates would come by so they could practice making one of their latest dessert creations. Most evenings, they’d all end up walking down to one of the nearby pubs for a few beers, dinner, or a game of pool. And on weekends, Clay and his band usually played in small bars around LA, and Jess and her friends would tag along. They were all young and carefree, and there was always a party or music wherever they went.
Jess admitted to Clay, though, that her favorite times were when everyone went home and they were alone. He felt the same way. They loved taking long walks on the beach on lazy Sunday afternoons and stopping at the pier for a bite to eat before going home and making slow, sweet love long into the night. Those times were the most precious of all to them.
One chilly January night, Clay and Jess were alone, snuggled up under a blanket on the sofa, watching a rerun of the show Friends.
“Want a beer?” he asked as a commercial came on.
She gave him a sly smile. “I don’t think I should be drinking.”
It took him a couple of beats to grasp what she was saying. He stared at her. “Are you . . . ?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Clay’s mouth dropped open, making Jess laugh. “Are you sure?” he asked.
“The home pregnancy test I took this morning said I was.”
“Pregnant,” he said, feeling dazed. Jess wasn’t on birth control pills because cancer ran rampant in her family, and she was afraid to take them, but they’d always been careful. They’d joked about having a little girl named Madison, but now that might come true.
She sat up, a worried frown creasing her face. “Are you upset? I thought you’d be happy.”
“No, I’m not upset. I’m just letting it sink in. I guess I thought we’d wait until we bought a house and were settled.”
“Do I need to remind you that you were the one who forgot to buy condoms a few weeks ago?” Jess asked.
Clay broke out laughing. “So this is my fault, huh? Then I’ll take the blame,” he said, pulling her to him. He kissed her gently on the lips. “I’m happy. I really am. Just think. A little Madison. Or, what if it’s a boy? We’ve never thought about a boy’s name.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? I know we hadn’t planned on this yet . . . ,” Jess started, but he interrupted her.
“Yes. I’m thrilled. It just took a moment to get over the shock. A little baby. You and me,” he smiled wide. “Oh, crap!”
“What?” she asked, alarmed.
“What if the baby looks like me? The poor thing!”
Jess laughed and hugged him. “Don’t worry. She or he will be beautiful and talented and smart, and all those things a parent hopes for. She’ll have the best of both of us.”
His eyebrows rose. “She?”
Jess grinned. “I can always hope.”
Months later when Maddie was born, Clay couldn’t believe how quickly the little bundle in the pink blanket stole his heart.
Friday after school, Clay once again drove the girls into the city to visit their mother. He’d been there all day and had spoken with the doctor, who had nothing new to offer, which frustrated him to no end. This was one of the leading trauma centers in the country, yet they couldn’t give him any answers on Jess’s condition.
Maddie and Jilly seemed less upset seeing their mother hooked up to the ventilator this time. Jilly quietly spoke to her mother about her day at school. She’d told Clay that she believed if she kept talking to her mom, then she might hear her and wake up. He encouraged her to do so. Even if Jess couldn’t hear her, it was good for Jilly to feel like she was helping.
Maddie was another story. She sat quietly, doing homework or reading a book. She had a determined look on her face, like she’d made up her mind about something and was going to do it no matter what. Clay wished he could get her to open up to him about what she was thinking, but no matter how hard he tried, she wouldn’t say more than two words to him at a time.
They ate at the hospital cafeteria and then sat a little longer with Jess before saying good night. It was past eight o’clock when they left, and as they reached the edge of the city, Maddie spoke up for the first time all night.
“I want to stop at Home Depot. It’s on the way home.”
He thought he hadn’t heard right. “Home Depot?”
“Yes. I need to pick up a few things.”
Clay glanced in the rearview mirror at Jilly and saw the little girl shrug her shoulders. “Okay. Home Depot it is.”
They pulled into the parking lot, and Maddie reached into her backpack and grabbed a sheet of paper. Clay and Jilly followed her as she strode determinedly into the store and headed for the paint department.
“Why are we here, Madds?” he asked as she stood at the counter waiting for someone to come help her.
Her stance was ramrod straight as she looked her father in the eye. “I’m going to buy the paint Mom wanted and finish the last two bedrooms.”
“Why?” Clay asked, still confused.
“Because I’m going to paint them. Mom can’t finish getting the house ready for guests, so I will. We have people booked for Memorial Day weekend. I’m not going to leave all this work for Mom to do when she wakes up.”
A young man wearing an orange apron came over, and Maddie told him the paint colors she needed. Skylark blue, butter yellow, pearl white, and dreamy cream. It was all typed neatly on a piece of paper that she held in her hand. Clay guessed that it was a list that Jess had made. Jess was always so organized; it wouldn’t surprise him if she’d kept a folder to track the details of the remodel. As the man went off to get cans of neutral paint to mix, Clay pulled Maddie aside.
“Honey, I think it’s wonderful that you want to help your mom get the house ready, but under the circumstances, don’t you think we should cancel the bookings and wait to see how your mother is doing?”
Maddie set her lips into a thin line as her eyes flashed at him. “No! Mom was determined to open on Memorial Day weekend, and I’m going to make sure it happens. All that’s left are the two bedrooms and some touch-ups outside and planting flowers around the yard and in pots for the porch. It’s all in Mom’s notebook. I can do that for her.”
Clay stood there feeling uncertain about what to do. He didn’t want to upset Maddie, but he wasn’t sure he should encourage her, either. “Maddie, even if your mom wakes up in the next week or so, I’m sure it’ll take her a while to get back to her old self. Running a B&B while recuperating isn’t a good idea.”
“If Mom wakes up?” Maddie screeched. “Why don’t you just say it—you don’t think Mom is going to wake up! You may not believe she will, but I do. And if everything at the house is perfect, she’ll be able to come home and be happy again.”
“Madds . . .”
“I’m doing this with or without your help,” Maddie insisted. She looked close to tears. He glanced over at Jilly and saw she was also staring at him strangely. He’d told them yesterday that they were all going to believe that Jess would come home, but tod
ay he was contradicting that. They thought he’d already given up.
The young man came over with four gallons of neutral paint and stared at Clay.
“Should I mix the paint?” he asked, obviously having overheard their arguing. Maddie stared hard at her father, and Jilly looked up at him hopefully.
“Yes. Go ahead,” Clay told the man. “It looks like we’re going to do some painting.”
Early Saturday morning, Maddie went right to work laying down tarps to cover the carpet in the first bedroom—the blue bedroom—and then taping off the crown molding, window, and door frames, which were to be painted pearl white. By the time Clay had dressed and drunk his coffee, Maddie was already trimming the room with blue paint before rolling the walls. He had to admit: the girl was determined.
“Do you want me to help you in here or start on the yellow room?” he asked.
He’d thought about the situation overnight and had decided that he’d humor the girls and help them ready the house. Even if they had to cancel the guests later on, at least the house would be finished. Maybe it would prove to Maddie that he did still believe Jess would wake up and that he was serious about being a family again.
“I want to do the rooms myself,” Maddie said. “But the outside needs touch-ups, and the shed needs painting too. Mom wanted the shed painted the same gray color as the house, with white trim. There’s extra paint in the basement.”
“Okay,” Clay said, resigned to the fact that his daughter was in charge. “Should we plan to leave around one to go visit your mom?”
Maddie nodded as she concentrated on her work.
“What can I do?” Jilly asked excitedly, coming up behind them.
He turned around and lifted her up off her feet, swinging her in circles until she erupted into giggles.
“Why don’t you help me outside,” he said, setting her down.
“Okay. Let’s go!” She took off running down the hallway.
Clay glanced back at Maddie and saw that she’d been watching them. She quickly turned back to her painting when she realized he was looking at her. Clay thought he’d seen something in her eyes, like a yearning to be as carefree as Jilly. He wished he could gain her trust and get through to her that he was here for good. But it was going to take so much longer than he’d first anticipated to convince her.
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