Alfred (to Gemma) Is not him that say the reason he relate to black people is because his father left his mother when he was in the womb, so he has a natural affinity to us black men? Fucking cheek. I raise two children by myself – he has no affinity with me, I can tell you dat.
Gemma She wants to come over and apologise.
Beat.
Alfred Did I ever tell you the story . . .
Gemma (ignoring) Probably. I told her I’d ask you, but . . .
Alfred Everything I say you’ve heard before, innit?
Gemma I really think you should, Dad. Life is too short to be . . .
Alfred Is it? And what you know about life, child? In fact, (flips the script) what is your job, Gemma? What are you doing with your life? Come on, tell me.
Gemma Umm, bits an’ pieces . . . Actually, that’s kinda what I want to talk to you about . . .
Alfred I thought you were talking about your sister and forgiveness?
He coughs and subtly holds his chest. Gemma sees.
Gemma What? The agency said Polish tell them you in more pain. You never use to do that, rub your chest and dat.
Alfred (irritated) Don’t you have somewhere else to go, someone else to see? Why you always here?
Gemma Is there a problem with me wanting to see my father?
Alfred When it is preceded by three years of no-shows, yes. Please. Leave my house.
Beat. Alfred puts a fresh piece of ginger in his mouth.
Gemma I know you’re gonna get mad, but I want you to just listen to me for a moment. Just hear me out and think about it.
Alfred doesn’t reply.
Gemma (carefully) I was thinking maybe it’s time to diversify your portfolio . . . This house is to big for you, Dad – hear me out – maybe if you sold it, and brought a flat maybe, something a little more manageable in the same area, you could buy another flat as an investment . . . I could live in it for you. Eventually even buy it off you, even.
Alfred What happen to where you living now? The place you never invite me, the partner you never does bring me to see?
Gemma You haven’t met because . . . (Gives the facts.) If you must know, my partner’s gone away for six months and . . . well, it’s over. I need to be out by the time . . . by the end of summer.
Alfred You’re not moving back in here?
Gemma Damn right . . . but I don’t want to rent again and although I’ve been saving, I don’t have enough – so I figure . . . it’s not like you’ve got the money sitting in the bank that you could loan me. I mean if you did, I’d pay you back, right.
Alfred Pay me back with what, Gemma? What do you have to offer the world that they will give you the kind of wages you’d need to pay me back?
Gemma You don’t have to speak to me like that, you know! Loads of parents are helping their kids out.
Alfred You’re not child, you thirty years old, and you should have thought about that before you left your husband and child for some bloody coolie man . . .
Gemma Kia isn’t my child, OK! She’s Ronald’s (child) . . .
Alfred You denying your own child? Denying me a grandchild?
Gemma (well irritated) I love her, but I met him with her . . . Don’t be placing that guilt on me . . .
Alfred Did ever I say that about you?
Gemma (knows where he’s heading) Don’t do this, Dad . . .
Alfred You know the rumours – you don’t look anything like me.
Gemma Why are you doing this?
Alfred But did I run away from you? Even when your mother left with she new man, did I reject you? No, I’m the one that stood here.
Gemma (slightly losing) I’m asking you for help, it’s not easy you know . . . but you always do this to me? Why you trying to flip it on me? Why you trying to make us fight?
Alfred You Indian coolie done use you up, and you want to come to me for help? Where were you when I needed help? Where were you? I tell you where, galivanting in Grenada with a woman that didn’t give a rass about you . . . Go there and ask your mother for money na!
Gemma I would if I could . . . believe me.
Alfred Then you should. You’s an ungrateful bitch . . .
Gemma You know what, Dad, forget it, just bloody forget it. Fuck, people can’t talk to you.
She walks out and slams the front door.
Alfred (almost to himself) Yes, that’s all you women in this family know how to do, innit? Walk off. Pussyhole. Don’t worry – I don’t need none of you. None of you. You hear me? I’m good by myself.
Eventually he sits and switches on the TV, puts the volume to the maximum, although he’s not taking any of it in. A soap opera is on.
Oh goodie, my favourite soap.
A key is inserted into the front door and it opens. After a few beats Maria walks into the front room.
Maria Oh, is terrible loud.
She takes the remote from him and turns it down.
I saw Gemma run out of house . . . she OK?
He doesn’t answer. Maria sneezes as she takes out new pills from the pharmacy.
Here are your pills. I never see you take these ones.
Alfred (sharp) They put me to sleep, so you wouldn’t, would you? Why’d you have to go and tell them that I’m in pain?
Maria Work they ask, I have to report.
Alfred Well, next time don’t. I don’t want anyone knowing my business.
Maria I try best. But if they ask . . .
Alfred You tell them to call me. I will tell them all they need to know.
Maria OK.
She sneezes.
Excuse me.
Alfred (still in mood) Bless you.
Maria Thank you. I get food.
Alfred turns his eyes back to the soap. After a few beats he shouts.
Alfred How old are your parents, Maria?
Maria Oh, my mother, how you say, fifty, my father no longer here, but two years older, I think. Why you ask?
Alfred (makes him smile) You speak to her often?
Maria Every day. If not, she think I die. Tell her how much money we save, how close we am to coming home, opening big business in village.
Alfred (not really hearing) I use to write my mother once a week . . . well once a month. You owe it to your parents, love, no matter what. (Kisses his teeth). Char!
He turns the television volume up again.
Maria enters the room with his food.
Maria What is that sound you make with teeth?
Alfred An articulation of acute dissatisfaction.
Maria Of television?
Alfred How is man suppose to lose himself in the nonsense they does put on?
Maria If is stupid, and you know is stupid, why watch stupid?
Alfred What did you call me?
She hands him tablets.
Maria Here, drink this.
He switches channel to the news.
Now take blood-pressure tablet . . . heart tablets . . . and now the urine tablet.
Alfred takes a sip of his shake and swallows the many tablets.
Alfred It’s a toss-up for me you know – die or drink this horrible shit.
TV The trial of Hussain Khan, one of the attempted bombers of the London night club . . .
Alfred Should be shot.
Maria You think?
Alfred Of course. How doctors can make medicine taste so horrible, I’ll never know. If they had to face the bullet they’d soon sweeten it up, I tell you . . .
He switches back to the soap.
No no, no more bad news – back to the soap.
Maria But you say you no like . . . ?
Alfred There are many things in life I do that I do not like.
She exits back to the kitchen.
Children for starters. Don’t have them, Maria, whatever you do. They’re ungrateful bitches . . .
Maria You know what I think? When was the last time you went home? You need to go back home.
Alfred You just reach and you te
lling me to get out you country already?
Maria Is not my country. I just think you should stop doing what dissatisfy you. Is not good for health. We start with this.
She switches off the television.
Alfred Don’t come in my house and order me about! You not in the Czech Republic now, you know!
Maria I’m not from Czech . . .
Alfred Same ting, all you people have tendency to autocratic rule.
Maria What mean you auto –
Alfred Don’t worry.
Maria Fine. I won’t. But what you say very rude.
Alfred That you have a tendency to autocratic rule?
Maria That I Czech. I hate Czech. I look like Czech to you? We not look all the same, you know.
Maria is upset. He see and calms.
Alfred (trying to be warm) Sorry . . . you’re right. That’s how I feel when people call me Jamaican. (Switching subject). How was Brent Cross?
Maria (suddenly beams with joy) Oh, just great. Sooo many beautiful things! When I rich and have house I will spend my whole life there. I want to have big chair in centre room like in John Lewis, and all white furniture from the white store – computers by Apple – curtains from Next – as well as much clothes . . . Then I take all back to Poland and find new rich (husband).
She stops herself and switches but Alfred has noticed a moment of sadness in her eyes.
Maria You should go there, Mr Morris. Your dissatisfy will fly away.
Alfred Oh, it’s far too deep-seated for that, trust me.
Maria Is heaven, Mr Morris, it must. Second only to IKEA.
She sneezes again.
Excuse me.
Alfred That’s your third sneeze today. How can you nurse a sick man and you have a cold?
Maria (her face drops) I home help, not nurse.
Alfred Go in the cupboard over the cooker, you should see a Lemsip, it might be out of date but hey. . . !
Maria . . . No, no, I’m fine.
Alfred Are you sure you are OK?
Maria No, I cold is all.
Alfred The heating’s on.
Maria Not here . . . in my house . . . where I live. Is very cold in night.
Alfred Don’t watch the pennies and pounds when it comes to your body, that’s you engine, you know. Put the heating on . . .
Maria . . . Is my landlady! Say cost too much gas.
Alfred But it was minus three last night.
Maria I have jumper I buy Brent Cross . . .
Alfred (a little vexed) Huh, these English doing they stupidness again . . .
Maria No, she Polish like me.
Alfred Really?
Maria Friend of boyfriend . . . We all live together there.
Alfred Can’t he tell her . . . ?
Maria He do, but she . . . put on for one hour then take off. Is no good.
Alfred You are paying this woman rent, right?
Maria Much.
Alfred Well, tell her again, you’re a working woman. You can’t be walking around sneezing. You know what?
Maria Where are you going, Mr Morris?
Alfred (shouts) Alfred, I told you call me Alfred.
Maria You never did . . .
Alfred Where is it? When you don’t want the damn ting it’s always there – when you need it now . . .
Maria You want help?
Alfred No, no, no. Ahh, there you are.
He re-enters the room with an old-fashioned one-bar electric heater.
Alfred Da naaaaaa.
Maria What is this?
Alfred Let us call it for argument sake a CLB. Cheap landlord buster.
Maria What you mean by this?
Alfred Well, you get your boyfriend to walk into the house carrying this instrument. He politely knocks her door and says, would it be alright if he uses an electric heater in the room as you are coming down with colds and fears both of you won’t be able to work for a few days – hence might be a little late with the rent.
Maria How will this make difference?
Alfred It’ll make her shit sheself. This baby eats more in one hour than the whole central heating system does in a week. She’ll grab that heater out of his hand and rush to the thermostat quicker than you can say – I’m a Polish builder.
Maria (not convinced) OK, I try. But I don’t think boyfriend will like . . .
Alfred You’re always talking about your boyfriend . . .
Maria Cos he great man. Big plans for us. He know English! If not for him I no be here . . .
Alfred It’s not good to just follow man plan willy-nilly.
Maria Oh no, I have own plan – many. I save to go college here. When return home – I have brains as well as money, no longer shit like neighbour think I am for . . .
Alfred Why your people think you are?
Maria (changes subject, laughs) People think what they want. When you went out I thought maybe you looking for Nat King Cole record to give me cure for cold . . .
Alfred No Nat today – even he would find it difficult to answer my questions today.
Maria What questions do they?
Alfred Are they.
Maria Are they.
Though she can see that he is miles away, deep in thought.
(Has an idea) Come, Alfred, you dissatisfy, I dissatisfy, let us go to heaven.
Alfred What you dissatisfied about? And go where?
Maria Today quiet, you are last job of the day. Let us go second heaven – let us go IKEA.
Alfred More like the sixth ring of hell, you mean.
Maria I have not been for long time. See new sofa, lie down in bed, imagine you have kitchen made by God . . . Watch the smiles on the thousands of people picking and choosing great new home contents . . .
Alfred I told you, I don’t like being around people.
Maria Forget the people then. Let us go and . . . buy something new for your house – you will feel better. This sofa for instance, old, horrible . . .
Alfred There’s nothing wrong with me – or that sofa, I only bought it two years ago . . .
Maria That is old, Alfred. This is London – every year, everything new, whole house, or you are not living. That is why you are sad all time.
Alfred What is it with people and my house today? Sad, who told you that?
Maria Just come and watch me dream then.
Alfred If you want to dream, go dream with your boyfriend . . .
Maria I don’t want to dream with boyfriend.
Alfred (flips) Well, you’re not going to IKEA with me. I don’t just go and idle in centres designed to intoxicate the simple-minded. I have deeper things on my mind. And I’ll have you know that I am not sad. I’m very happy indeed – ha-ha-ha-happy – in the confines of my own house, with my own company and my own old furniture.
Maria But you don’t have to be –
Alfred I choose to. That’s the problem with you white people wherever you’re from, you want to come and tell the black man how to live he life. Well, I won’t have it. You hear me?
Maria I sorry I wasn’t trying to . . . I lose myself for moment. Sorry. Umm. I think I finish here for the day. I go home now.
She gets her things together and presents Alfred with her book to sign.
She makes for the door, then turns before she leaves.
Maria Excuse English, but all was trying to say is whether in chair like you or have pain like me, outside is good.
She leaves. Alfred stares at her, a little ashamed. He then takes a letter from his pocket and stares at it. Then he goes to the tablet drawer and throws all the tablets into the bin – all except the painkillers that are in a big blue packet. He looks at the painkillers and an idea is born.
He picks up the phone.
Alfred You, my friend, you all I need. Rubbish urine, rubbish heart rubbish. Maria, come back.
Lights.
In the scene change we hear Nat King Cole’s ‘Straighten Up and Fly Right’.
Scene Four
&nbs
p; Later that evening. We hear the front door open and Alfred is pushed in by Maria. They are laughing their heads off.
Maria I told you, didn’t I?
Alfred What, that I’d be in a queue for three hours?
Maria Why you in queue for three hours, Alfred?
Alfred Cos the whole world and his stepchild was in there?
Maria Because you kept going back to warehouse section to buy another thing just as you get to checkout.
Alfred You were the one that pointed them out to me . . .
Maria So you could pick up then?
Alfred I don’t shop like that. I have to think about it, then if me spirit tell me, I buy.
Maria Your spirit told you you needed six tealight candle-holders?
Alfred (correcting her) Glazed porcelain teacup holders.
Maria A packet of extra large plastic glasses?
Alfred Yes!
Maria A bag of IKEA rubber bands –
Alfred Most important ting to have in a house, rubber bands.
Maria – and a cocktail shaker?
Alfred Man has to be able to shake a good concoction!
Maria I agree, but spirit concern itself with such things?
Alfred Depends on the spirit!
Maria opens a bag and pulls out a big red throw. She throws it over herself as falls on the sofa.
Alfred You like your throw?
Maria Oh yes.
He pauses for a moment, almost in reverie.
Alfred It’s funny, you know, I saw a man the spit of an old friend of mine in that IKEA – Harold. Use to take us all to every funeral in town. We walk into one in Tottenham one day and Harold do just freeze when he see the widow.
Maria Why he freeze?
Alfred If you’d stop jumping in I’ll tell you.
Maria You like my father. You temper soooo funny.
Alfred Anyway, Harold was one unlucky brother. He send for two woman from home and both of dem leave him. But he didn’t give up – he dig deep and send for a next woman he just about know from high school – Rosemarie. Nobody knew Rosemarie, all the boys tell him, how you could send for a woman you doe know? But he said ‘Ah desperate, boy.’
Maria Ahhh.
Alfred So we all go with him to meet the woman at Portsmouth Harbour. When we see dat woman, every man mouth drop. I never see a woman so pretty in my life. All man just shake me hand and say – gwann, big Al.
Maria Al?
Alfred I mean Harold.
Plays 1 Page 23