by Claire Adams
Ollie had been devastated, too, in a way that even I couldn’t fully understand. He was Lillie’s fiancé and truly the love of her short life. She died right before the start of our senior year, and although he pushed through the last year, he was gone shortly after. I couldn’t say that I blamed him. I wished that I could have done the same thing, but instead I stayed, refusing to open up to anyone and living alone with my cats, destined to spend the rest of my life in mourning. Things didn’t quite turn out that dramatic, but it was no secret that I kept to myself, fearing any type of friendship or love. When Lillie died, she took one of the biggest parts of me with her.
Ollie had loved Lillie like nothing I had ever seen outside of a movie, and even though I was sad to see him take off like he did, part of me was glad that I didn’t have to keep looking at him every day, remembering Lillie and her life. I honestly thought I would never see him again, assuming he would go somewhere, take the time he needed to heal, like everyone else, and by now, he would have a huge career and a family of his own.
It wasn’t that I thought he didn’t love Lillie, but I figured I was the only one standing still as time continued to move forward. But now he was back, and it was more than a little strange. He wanted to have dinner, something that sounded simple, easy, and normal, but for me, sitting across from my dead best friend’s fiancé was nerve-racking, especially since I had spent so much time trying to move forward. These were the kinds of things that could suck a girl back into self-loathing.
Ollie and I had become friends, of course, as soon as Lillie started dating him. Lillie and I barely ever did anything without the other, and when Ollie came into the picture, she went out of her way to include me. At first, it was a bit awkward, but after a while, it felt natural. We were like the Three Musketeers, going through college, experiencing so much of it together. When Lillie died, Ollie and I tried to be there for each other, but it was really painful to even look at him, which I assumed was how he felt about me.
I had really admired his quick wit and kindness, but getting back together after all this time just seemed like it wouldn’t work. I was too afraid that the specter of Lillie would hang between us, making it impossible to start a new friendship. It was natural for us both to want the happiness we felt before Lillie died, but that was just it. She was dead, and that wasn’t going to change.
There was a big part of me that was naturally and instantly drawn to Ollie because he was so familiar. Being around him was almost like having Lillie right there with me. But even as we stood talking on the edge of the library, I found myself glancing behind him, half expecting Lillie to walk around the corner with that bright, beautiful smile that she always carried with her. I wanted to be friends with him again. I didn’t have any other friends, and we knew each other very well, despite our time apart. At the same time though, I wondered if this would happen every single time that I was around him. Would I let my mind go back to where it had been for so long, reminiscing about old times and then grieving the loss of my best friend all over again?
My heart hurt already, and I wasn’t sure I was willing to let that continue.
Chapter 3
Ollie
My first week at work was an eye opener, keeping me busy from the time I walked in the door until the time I left. I now understood why this office worked so hard to get me there. They really needed the extra stability inside of the office. The people that worked there were great, but they didn’t have that one superstar, the one employee that went above and beyond and carried the crew to success. They just kind of went through the work, doing the best that they could…kind of like what I had been doing with my life.
My new boss was Mike Banks, a man that was known to be honest, forthcoming, and desperate to get someone into the office that could really turn things around. Beyond just the offer itself, it was Mike’s demeanor that coaxed me into coming back to Madison. I was tired of working for men that had no souls, the ones that would cut deals that skimmed the line between moral and immoral. I thought by working in Phoenix, I’d be good, but they were no better there than in New York. So, back home I came, still hoping it was the right choice.
When I was done with my morning work, I cleaned up my station and grabbed my suit jacket. I had a meeting with Mike, and I liked to make a good impression, so I made sure I looked right and then headed for the office. I knocked on his door, and he looked up, waving me in as he finished up a telephone call. I looked around his office and smiled, seeing that he was a Madison man, born and raised and had a family here, too.
“Ollie,” he said, standing up and shaking my hand. “I just wanted to bring you in and tell you that you’ve been doing a hell of a job here already. Thank you again for transferring. I was really worried that you weren’t going to come.”
“Well, Mr. Banks,” I said, unbuttoning my jacket and sitting down. “I have a lot of history here in Madison, and when I was originally offered the position, I won’t lie, I had some serious hesitation. That being said, it was your warmth, that amazing offer, and the heat of Phoenix that drove me right back here to Wisconsin. I have to tell you, though, after being here for a week, I’m really glad that I decided to take your offer.”
I still wasn’t sure if I was glad to be back, but I wasn’t going to tell Mr. Banks that. He was a nice guy, and I really did like my new position. It was the town that was giving me some second thoughts.
“I’m glad you feel that way,” he said with a kind smile. “I fought really hard to recruit you over here. They didn’t even want me to extend you an offer, too afraid they would lose you. I went all the way up the chain of command, and finally, they let me do it. Just so happened that you were looking at the same time that we were searching. I mean, the work you’ve done here in just a week blows us out of the water.”
“I appreciate you saying that,” I said, smiling.
It made me feel good to hear that I was doing a good job. Not only did it remind me that I actually had a life, but it also was nice that I was impressing my new boss. I had heard he was nice but hard to impress, though I wasn’t sure how true that was, seeing the people’s skills that worked in the office. Either way, I was doing my best at the position, and it was already starting to pay off. Now, all I had to do was get used to this town again and try to outrun my ghosts.
“So,” Mike said, leaning back in his chair. “You showed up just when the warm weather is ending, and the fall is starting to creep in. It’s the perfect time to be outside before it starts to get really cold out. You have any big plans for the weekend?”
I wasn’t sure what to say, so I shrugged. I didn’t want to tell him that I was a loser with no friends, or that I would probably spend the time pining over a long-deceased girlfriend. I just wanted people to stop looking at me like the old lonely widower, even though that was what I felt like.
“Yeah, I got some family obligations to take care of,” he said. “And then the boys both have ball seasons to wrap up. They’re already back in school. It seems like the summer just flew on by. I don’t know if you’d be interested, seeing as you like sports, but there is a singles’ softball league that meets down the block from my house on Fridays. I’m sure they could use another good man out there.”
I wasn’t quite sure how he knew, but Mike seemed to know all about me. Maybe it was from the recruitment process because I didn’t even have any social media pages that he could have looked up. Either way, he seemed to know that I liked sports, that I liked to stay fit, and apparently, that I was single.
“That sounds interesting,” I said. “But I, uh, I’m having dinner with an old college friend tonight. We actually ran into each other at the library the other day when I was out for a run. It was nice to see a familiar face again.”
There was no way that I was ready to dip my toes back into the dating pool just yet. I didn’t want to get too personal, so I lied, hoping that he wouldn’t realize it later. I didn’t want to be rude. I knew how these small-town things work
ed, so to me, making up something else was the right choice. Sure, I didn’t actually have any plans with Elana, or anyone else for that matter, but Mike didn’t need to know that. He was trying to be hospitable, and that was when I realized I was no longer a kid going to the local college. I was a townie, and that was a completely different story to these people.
“Whelp,” Mike said, standing up and walking over to me. I stood up to meet him. “Why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off to enjoy that sunshine out there? You’ve earned it.”
He slapped me on the back and led me to the door. I smiled and nodded my head, not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I didn’t need any excuse to fall back into reminiscing, and work had seemed to dull that quite a bit.
“Thank you,” I said, shaking his hand.
“Well, it’s September, the end of the beautiful weather,” he said, taking in a deep breath. “The warm days will become increasingly rare, sooner than you think. Before we know it, there will be snow on the ground and Christmas lights hung across the buildings. I suppose it’s not at all like Phoenix, where you came from. I went there once for a conference, and I swear it was November and still hot outside. I couldn’t even imagine being there in the summer. My wife always wanted to go to New Mexico to see the hot air balloons, but I just can’t bring myself to pack the suntan lotion when it’s getting ready to be fall.”
“Thank you, Mr. Banks,” I said. “Phoenix was a hot place to live, but not so bad. The summers were a dry heat, so there wasn’t all that humidity to worry about. The weather, I actually quite enjoyed, though I have to admit, there is something special about being in Madison during the holidays.”
“We have some beautiful snows out here,” he said. “They’re a pain in the ass, but still pretty gorgeous. You have a good weekend.”
“You do the same,” I said, walking to my office to collect my things and leave.
I walked out to the parking garage and got in my car, paying for the parking before heading out toward my house. As I drove along, I looked at the people going about their day, from working-class folks to crowds of college kids getting into the swing of college life after a summer at home. I could still remember what my summers with Lillie and Elana were like. Elana and I ended up following Lillie all over the place, visiting different states, spending time on the lake, and whatever else we could get ourselves into that was away from Madison. Speaking of Elana, maybe I could try to have that dinner, making my lie the truth.
The thought of talking to Elana again made me both excited and nervous at the same time. I felt like I was forcing Lillie from my life, trying to find a comfortable middle ground with the place I was now calling home. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see her best friend again, to risk the memories of Lillie disappearing or becoming less important to me. I knew it was stupid of me to even think that I could ever forget Lillie, but I guessed after living in her shadow for so many years, it was only natural of me to fear changing that. It was comfortable to me; the pain was familiar. That idea alone should shake me to the core, at least enough to go out to dinner with Elana.
Going out to dinner with Elana made a lot of sense. She was my friend, and was once someone I went to for comfort when the pain had gotten to be too much. I needed to get rid of Lillie’s ghost, remembering that getting rid of the ghost didn’t mean getting rid of her memory. I couldn’t continue to walk around town seeing her in every corner of every store and expect to ever have a normal life again, much less a relationship with anyone. Maybe going out to dinner with Elana and developing that bond as a new friendship would help me start to see the world as a fresh new place. I wanted desperately to have that beautiful outlook on life that Lillie had—that all of us had—before she died.
The truth was if I didn’t do this, if I didn’t push forward and try to make Lillie part of my past and not what controlled my future, I was never going to be able to stay in Madison. I had made a commitment, though, to Mike and to that office that I would come here and help them in every way that I could. Madison was a beautiful place, but I was just too shrouded in the veil of grief to open my eyes to it. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing down a shadow of a woman that would never be there again. One of the first steps I could take was to have dinner with Elana.
Now that I had decided that dinner with her was the best option, I had to figure out how in the world I was going to get ahold of her. I never got her number when I saw her, having to run off to work. I did, however, know exactly where she worked, and I was an alumnus of the college, which meant I could use their library whenever I wanted. I changed my direction from my house to the university, hoping that Elana was at work. She had told me she was one of the big wigs at the library, so I assumed she would be there on a Friday afternoon. Now, all I had to do was calm the nerves shooting into my stomach long enough to ask her out to dinner.
Chapter 4
Elana
This was my favorite part of my job: getting to grab a pile of books and head off to the stacks, getting lost in the aisles surrounded by pages upon pages of some of the most beautiful and historic writing in history. I loved the way the dusty old stacks smelled, and I could clear my mind and just enjoy myself back there. As I reached up to book on the shelf, I heard a familiar voice.
“You finish that big report for history class yet?” Ollie’s voice was kind and happy.
I pushed the book into its slot, smiling from ear to ear at the sound. It was always nice to have someone familiar come by to see me, though I was a bit surprised at my reaction. I figured after the struggle I went through on Monday after seeing Ollie, I wouldn’t be so excited for him to be standing behind me in the depths of the library. Truth be told, I had been thinking about Ollie all week long. After I saw him, I couldn’t help but submerge myself in the memories of years past where we took on the world with Lillie by our side. We were the Three Musketeers, conquering one final and one bar at a time. Everything just kind of came flooding back.
We were supposed to graduate together, and we had big plans. I was going to carry on with the library sciences program, Ollie was dead set on taking a job with a local investment firm, and Lillie was going to be an elementary school art teacher. I was pretty much the only one that stayed on the same track. Lillie died before she could graduate, Ollie took off and traveled a bit before landing in Phoenix, and I stayed here doing what I’m doing now.
Lillie had been the creative one of the group, full of ideas and dreams, full of boundless energy, and always had a good sense of humor. She was the sunshine in everything that everyone else did, pushing people to better themselves, being very outspoken about how she felt, and creating these beautiful pieces of artwork, one of which I had put in the center of the library. It was a sculpture she had made of a phoenix, oddly enough.
Lillie constantly radiated energy and light. That was one of the things that had attracted both me and Ollie into her orbit. I could still remember meeting her for the first time in elementary school. She was the girl with the wild finger painting skills, and I was the one watching from the side, just soaking in her rays of light. I supposed that Ollie had felt the same thing, only without the finger painting and pigtails. She radiated love toward him at all times.
When Lillie first introduced me to Ollie, I thought he was perfect for her. Over time, I had actually developed a really good bond with him. When Lillie wasn’t around, Ollie and I had actually created a really good and really strong friendship with each other. We didn’t spend that much time together alone, since most everything we did, we did as the three of us, and the majority of the rest of the time was Ollie and Lillie spending time together, but when we did, it created some of the best memories I had of college. Most of those were hard to recall though; a shadow had swallowed all of it when Lillie died. It was tragic and hard, but there were still those moments that I could remember the happiness and laughter.
I always knew Ollie was extremely intelligent, very logical, and ext
remely methodical. He gave thought to each and every thing that he did. Maybe that was why he was loved by so many people when we were in school. He never made rash decisions that could end up hurting someone’s feelings. I saw that thoughtfulness hide away when Lillie died, watching as he picked up and just left, no thought to where or what he was going to do. He did what I wanted to do, and that was run as fast as he could away from the tidal wave of pain that washed down over us and the entire town. Still, even through the flood, I could still hear my laughter bellowing out from the courtyard.
Ollie had the craziest sense of humor, very similar to mine. He would tell these in-depth jokes that you really had to think about and listen to. When he threw out the punchline, I would just collapse in roaring laughter, feeling my sides aching from the cheer. He had this way of putting a smile on my face that I had never been able to forget. It was a feeling that I wished I had during some of those dark nights for years after the accident. Just to be able to laugh like that again sounded like something so far away that it wasn’t even remotely attainable. I wasn’t even sure if I could laugh like that anymore.
Even though I was absolutely shocked to see Ollie standing outside of the library after bowling me over, I had thought about him a lot over the last five years. I wondered where he was, how he was doing, and whether he thought about me and this little town anymore. There was a sincere part of me that really hoped that I would run into him again one day, kind of like we did, only without literally running into each other. I wanted to catch up with him, talk, and just see what life was like for him after… well, after everything had exploded into chaos. Most of all, I wanted to know that he was okay, that he was moving forward, unlike me who seemed to be stuck in the shadow of the past.