by Claire Adams
“Ollie, I know I’m just your boss,” he said, getting up and shutting the door before coming over and sitting in the chair next to me. “But I want you to understand that you can tell me whatever you need to. If it helps you move forward professionally and personally, I’m a good listener. Was this girl someone really special to you?”
“Yeah,” I sighed, feeling everything bubbling up uncontrollably. “The truth is, sir, five years ago, I was engaged to a beautiful woman named Lillie, but she died in a tragic car accident.”
“Lillie, yes, Lillie Mathews,” he said, shaking his head. “She went to school with my daughter.”
“Yes, sir, and that’s why I left Madison,” I explained. “I couldn’t handle it. When I got back, I touched base with Lillie and I’s best friend, Elana, and it was like I was seeing her for the first time. It blossomed into a beautiful thing, but then, suddenly, just a few days ago, she told me she needed space. It was completely out of the blue, and I have no idea what I did. I’ll be honest; a girl has never affected me like this before.”
“Well, that is tough, Ollie,” he said, breathing deeply. “You’ve been through more than you deserved to go through. But from what I’ve heard about you and what you have shown me since you’ve been here, I know that you’re a good man, and that you’re going to land on your feet. You always seem to do so.”
“Right,” I scoffed, tired of the, “you’ll be fine,” speeches everyone wanted to give me.
I think he could tell I wasn’t happy with that answer at all. He got up and walked over to his desk, rubbing his chin. I sat up straight and cleared my throat, realizing how close I had come to getting emotional.
“Maybe you can get creative,” he said. “Don’t give up, Ollie. Women can be difficult creatures. Just because she doesn’t want to see you doesn’t mean exactly that. Do some detective work on your own and really try to find out what is going on.”
“That’s a good idea,” I said, feeling a bit more positive.
“Just remember,” he said. “You may not feel this way now, having been through such a terrible event with young Lillie, but time really does heal all wounds. Why don’t you take the rest of the week off to get in the right headspace? Then you can come back next week, fresh, new and ready to get back on track.”
“You know what, sir,” I said, standing up. “That is some really good advice. I’m going to do some research and try to fix this. Thank you for everything.”
Now, I had to become a super sleuth.
Chapter 32
Elana
Everything about my life the last few days had been shrouded in this gray haze, completely blinding and blocking any light out. Even the weather outside was drab and disgusting, feeling as if it were mimicking my every emotion. I had never been more depressed than I was the last few days, even when Lillie died. This was different, though. Ollie wasn’t dead. He was right down the street from me, and that was keeping me up night and day, dragging my mind from everything that I was doing. I thought that time would make this easier on me, that I would be able to move forward from this after some days had passed, but every night when I went to bed, I yearned for Ollie. Every morning when I woke up, I sighed, seeing the empty place in the bed, wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking.
Each day, I woke up deciding that it was important that I keep going through life, going through the motions each and every day, hoping that eventually, they would become fluid motions instead of forced ones. I got up, ate breakfast, kissed my mom on the cheek, and went to work. When I got there, I didn’t stop, but instead kept pushing through, waiting for any kind of relief. I was trying to keep myself busy at every single turn, from cleaning my mother’s house from top to bottom, to re-shelving the books in the library. Sure, re-shelving could be monotonous work, but I was hoping that it would keep my mind occupied. I was wrong, though. It didn’t. Ollie kept creeping back into my consciousness at every turn. I would think about the apple orchard, the walk through the town pretending to be a married couple, the hot nights and warm days even in the changing Wisconsin weather. My heart would flutter every time I went down that path, over and over again. I could almost hear his laugh echoing through the dusty stacks at the back of the library. It was exhausting and heartbreaking, and I couldn’t even to begin to understand what happened.
When he came back to me, told me that he was sorry for leaving and asked me to push forward into a new kind of relationship with him, I was wary, but I was hopeful. After making love in front of the fire and having such an amazing evening together, I let those fears drift away, really believing that everything he wanted was true to me, not true to any replacement. If he wanted someone else, why didn’t he just pick someone he had never had ties to? Instead, he took my caring for him for granted and took advantage of that.
Even as the thoughts circulated through my mind, I had a really hard time believing it. If it was true, he’d put on a show of epic proportions. He revealed to me his fears and his dreams, his strengths and his vulnerabilities, on a level I was having a hard time believing wasn’t true. But maybe I wasn’t the only one that he fooled. Maybe he had fooled himself, too. Maybe he really thought that this was the right thing, that it felt as good for him as it did for me, but in the end, he couldn’t hide it from himself anymore. Everything had been so perfect, so right. Until it wasn’t.
God, I felt like a complete idiot falling for something so simple and so right in front of my face. I wanted to kick myself for thinking that I ever had a real chance at being that happy. I had missed all the signs, missed all the secret wishing that Lillie was there instead of me because I was blinded by a love that I had held onto for too many years.
I stepped down off the stool and looked up at the first row of books I had put up. They looked perfect, clean, neatly rowed, and easy to read. I could have had someone help me with this, to make it all go by faster, but I wanted to stay busy, so I offered to do it myself so that we could allocate those funds elsewhere. None of them even suspected I was trying to divert my own attention to more pleasant things, things that would help me move past this constant lump in my stomach that I couldn’t outrun, even though I was trying. Now, I was not only dealing with Lillie’s ghost, but the ghost of a relationship that I never got to see through to the end.
As I walked through the library, looking over at a couple cuddled up at the table, giggling and laughing to themselves, I thought about calling Ollie and apologizing. I thought about going against the grain and settling for a life knowing that I was only a replacement. At least then, I would get to be with him, to share a life with him. Who knew? Maybe over time, he would grow to love me, to see me for the person I really was. Maybe in time, he would actually fall in love with me and not the idea of me.
I walked outside to get some air, wrapping my arms around my shoulders as the cold air hit me. It wouldn’t be long until this place turned into a winter wonderland, full of cutesy couples taking long walks, Christmas décor sparkling through the streets, and everything else that we could imagine to be down-home and pure. I pulled out my phone and scrolled to Ollie’s number, hovering my finger over the send button. All it would take would be one call, and I could end this suffering, but for some reason, I just couldn’t do it. I was livid at myself for being such a coward, for not just taking what I wanted, regardless of how Ollie felt. He would love me, after all. It just would be in his own way.
I stood there staring down at my phone, trying to imagine my world with Ollie. The laughter, the lovemaking, the perfect family that I had always wanted. It was right there at my fingertips. My mind raced, trying to understand what my apprehension was. I knew if I didn’t do this, I would spend the rest of my life going on terrible dates that my mother set up, petting my cats, and becoming the old lonely librarian always re-shelving the books. I would always be searching for something to take my mind off of the life that I could have had, always yearning for a man that I also couldn’t have. Ollie would move on. There was
no doubt about that, and I would see him and his family doing all the things that I was supposed to do. I didn’t think I could actually deal with living a life like that.
Still, my mother’s words kept ringing in my ears, telling me I was an amazing woman. I wanted to scream at my own brain, to tell it to shut up, to just make the call, but it wasn’t going to happen. I clicked my phone off and slid it into my pocket, looking up as runners passed by me. I realized I was standing in the exact space that Ollie had first seen me when he got back to Madison. I had been unsuspecting and completely thrown off when I heard him call my name. It was right there that all of this started. As I thought about it, anger began to rise in my chest. Why did he come back? After all these years, after leaving me here to deal with Lillie’s death on my own, why did he have to stroll back into my life? He should have left me alone, especially if he wasn’t capable of all the things that he had promised. My mother was right. I deserved to be loved for myself, for the wonderful things that I could offer someone. I really was an amazing woman when I could pull myself out of this funk, and I deserved someone who saw that.
For a long time, I’d known why my parents had gotten married. I knew that they’d gotten pregnant with me and that was what convinced them to marry. They lied to themselves, and to each other, about how they felt. They were never truly in love. I learned then, at the time of their divorce, that a relationship built on a lie, even a lie to one’s self, will eventually crumble. There was no way around it. It just was the way that it had to be. Life didn’t let you lie forever, and eventually, those lies would come back to haunt you, even if the haunting was internal. I didn’t want to only be happy for a little while. I wanted to be happy forever.
That night, I decided to stay at my house, seeing as my kitties were starting to get lonely without me. I picked up takeout on the way home and sat at the kitchen table alone, picking at my fried rice. The silence of the house was almost deafening, and I watched through my mind’s eye as Ollie and I laughed and played, dancing through the house, watching movies, and going upstairs to lay comfortably together. At that point, I wanted to take my mind off of him, and I didn’t care what I had to do to accomplish that. It seemed like the perfect kind of night to sit down on my bed and dig out my memory box, thinking about times when life was simpler.
When I was done eating, I rinsed my dishes, fed the cats, and went upstairs. I had put the memory box in the way back of the hallway closet so I wouldn’t constantly be tempted to go through the contents. Two years ago, seeing that box would have sent me into a spiral of emotions, my depression taking a turn for the worse. That night, though, I felt like I had no possible way of going any farther down. I pulled out each picture of me and Lillie, smiling at our goofy expressions. I held tightly to the necklace in the bottom of the box, surrounded by ticket stubs and brochures we had collected along the way. The keepsakes were some of my favorites, and the necklace had been Lillie’s. Her mom gave it to me after she passed away. It was a lotus flower, and she swore it gave her peace and tranquility.
I had cherished my friendship with Lillie above all other things. I had loved her like a sister and barely survived the days without her uplifting spirit and motivation. She made me feel like a real person. However, sitting on the floor, having reached rock bottom, I knew that it was time that I let go of her. It was time that I forced myself to make decisions that weren’t influenced by her memory. I wanted her to be at peace, and I knew if she wasn’t, part of the reason was because I couldn’t let her go. I put the necklace back in the box and kissed the picture one last time before sealing it up and climbing up in the attic. I set the box there, knowing I wouldn’t come up there to get it.
It was time to get a handle on my life. I needed to be in control of the choices I made and my own happiness. It was time for me to find someone who would love me for who I really was, and I was almost sure that Ollie couldn’t be that man, no matter how much I wanted him to be.
Chapter 33
Ollie
It was Friday, and I was off work still, trying to get my head straight and take care of this situation with Elana. I had slept in, my body finally collapsing after days of no sleep and intense worry and stress. That night, I had dreamt about Elana. I was chasing her through the woods, trying to grab her hand, but every time I got close, she would just slip away from me again, disappearing into the fog surrounding us. When I woke, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to figure out what happened and how to fix it.
I sat at the breakfast table formulating a plan, deciding what the best steps were to take in order to get Elana back in my life. I decided that I was going to start by going over to Tammy’s house to see if she had any insight into what happened. The last thing I wanted to do was make Elana feel like I was pressuring her, but she had tied my hands. She wouldn’t talk to me directly, and she didn’t have any real friends that I knew of, besides Lillie’s ghost, so the only person I could think of that might have any ideas was her mother. Since I was off work, I figured I would go over during the day, giving me less of a chance of running into Elana since she was probably at work. As much as I wanted to see her, I knew that if I ran into her now, I would just explode with feelings, questions, and my need to be near her. I was afraid that whatever she was going through would be worsened by that, so I wanted to make sure that when I did approach her, I had done all the research that I needed beforehand. I wasn’t even really sure if Tammy would talk to me about it, but she was my only hope at this point.
I dressed warmly. The cold weather had already arrived, something I wasn’t expecting so soon. As I drove, I thought about what I was going to say to Tammy in order for her to talk to me. I didn’t know what had happened, and I didn’t want to be blindsided by anything. I had to be ready in the case that Tammy felt she couldn’t talk to me because of her allegiance to her daughter. When I got there, though, Tammy seemed more than happy to see me.
“Ollie,” she said. “This is a surprise; come in.”
“Thank you, Tammy,” I replied, smiling kindly. “I’m sorry to drop in like this. I just wanted to talk to you about Elana.”
“I figured you would show up eventually,” she said with a smirk. “Come on; I’ll make you a sandwich.”
I sat down and watched as she pulled out the bread, mustard, mayo, and lunch meat and proceeded to build me a sub. I chuckled slightly, thinking about the sandwiches I used to eat as a kid. They were pretty much meat and cheese on white bread because without the cook on duty, my mother was lost in the kitchen. When she was done, she sat the plate down in front of me and grabbed a soda for me.
“Not working today?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “The boss gave me the day off. I have been a bit preoccupied at work, and he assumed that I could use a few days to straighten everything out.”
“Well, that was nice of him.” She smiled. “Your boss. That’s Mike Banks, right?”
“Yeah,” I said, surprised. “Do you know him?”
“His daughter came over for some sleepovers when Elana was younger,” she replied. “His wife is a really lovely lady. She comes to our church sometimes with her elderly mother.”
“He’s a great guy. He pretty much convinced me with his candor and morality to take the job back here. But I actually came here to talk to you about Elana,” I said, after mustering the courage to ask her about her daughter. “We had a really good thing going, at least I thought so, and then poof. She ran away. I’m trying to figure out what I did.”
“I’ll be honest, Ollie, Elana hasn’t been very open about what happened between the two of you,” she said, causing my heart to slow down. “But I do know whatever it was has taken her down a really dark path. She doesn’t seem to be angry with you. She just seems to be heartbroken. She has been here every day except last night, sleeping in her old bedroom, sitting in the chair by the window, and just moping around. The other day, she started doing busy work, cleaning everything like she was sterilizing a hospita
l, but other than that, she just sits quietly. I was hoping when I saw you that you would actually be able to give me some insight on what happened.”
“I wish I knew.” I sighed. “She just flipped, literally overnight. I woke up to a cold letter saying she went in early to work, and by that evening, I had a text telling me she needed space.”
“Well, I knew there had to be something going on,” she said. “I honestly haven’t seen Elana happy like that in many years. I was extremely surprised when she told me that things hadn’t worked out for the two of you. I’ve wanted my daughter to be happy forever now. Lillie’s death rocked us all, but it took an extra special toll on her. She felt like she was completely alone, but at the same time, trying to build some kind of life in the same town that seemed to haunt her at every turn. She doesn’t really have any friends because she is so shy, and so she spends her time with her cats, with me, and with whatever torture she has been doing to herself since Lillie left this earth. When you came around though, it was like the old Elana just showed back up, and then it was gone in the blink of an eye.”
“Trust me, I understand that completely because I was the same way,” I said, opening up a bit. “When Lillie died, it took everything in me to finish school. I actually went to graduation, but before I walked through the auditorium doors, I threw my cap and gown in the trash, loaded up my car, and just left. I thought if I put enough miles between me and Madison, that the pain would be less. When that didn’t work, I turned to drinking, work, and anything that would take my mind off things for even a moment. That didn’t change when I got back to Madison, at least not right away. When I saw Elana again, though, that was when I realized I was creating my own suffering, and Elana made me want to look toward the future, not keep sitting in the past. We went to sleep happy that night, me and Elana, but when I woke up the next morning, everything had changed. I can’t even begin to understand why.”