by Claire Adams
When I got home, I sat down at my table and pulled out a sheet of paper and began writing. Several times, I balled up the paper and threw it on the floor, not liking what I had written. The letter had to detail all the wonderful things that I liked about her. She was nerdy, and I thought that was adorable. She was kind, enthusiastic about sports, she could cook like Martha Stewart, she had an eye for the details, and she really loved the little things as much as I did. Although I wanted to compare us, to remind her just how perfect we were together, I also wanted her to see that regardless of whether we had commonalities or not, I saw a beauty inside her that deserved my attention. Not just my partial attention, but my full attention. I had done something to make her think that my feelings for her were light and outward, that they revolved around filling an empty space where Lillie once stood, but the truth of the matter was, I didn’t even think about Lillie anymore when I was with Elana. It was all completely about her.
When I was done with the letter, I sat back and read it aloud.
My Dearest Elana,
There are many things that need to be said, many things that can’t be conveyed by the stroke of my pen against this paper. It has become clear to me that you are questioning the way I look at you, if I really see you or not, and my devotion to you as a person. I want you to know those questions are pointless, and all they will do is cause you grief and pain. Let me tell you exactly why I want to be in a relationship with you.
From the first day I met you, I could tell that your nerdy streak runs deep. I love that more than anything. The fact that you can understand a quantum physics book and at the same time, explain to me the difference between the Hulk in the television series and the movies completely blows me away. Every time you begin to talk about these things, I just can’t help but care about you even more.
There has always been a caring about you that brightened the life of every person that you touched, and I am no exception. When you pulled me off the street that day at your mom’s and cared for me, had patience with me, and continued to push me forward toward a brighter future, it melted me completely on the inside. Your kindness is something to be envied.
The fact that I can be myself and torture you with endless football games, soccer games, baseball games, and whatever other sporting event I am into at the moment, and you never complain (with the exception of when you gave me a limp), is a testament to how much you care. You even begin to understand the games to a point to where you too become a fan, ready to jump in and enjoy these things right by my side.
Don’t even get me started on your cooking. It is absolutely amazing, and it will be the basis for every wager I ever intend to have with you in the future. I may become fat with you as my girlfriend, but I will enjoy it, one apple pancake at a time. You put love into every dish, and I can tell.
Speaking of love, I have never met a woman that could care for others without ever even knowing their name. If this were a movie, you would be the heroine, saving other lives at the drop of a hat. That selflessness and your thirst for connection are addicting.
There are so many other qualities about you that make you the amazing woman you are. You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever met, inside and out. Whatever is bothering you, whatever is plaguing you, just know that I am standing by to be the man that holds you up when you are sad, holds you down when you feel crazy, and stands beside when you want to walk forward. I hope this helps you understand my feelings, and I hope to hear from you soon. We never got to finish the Diabolical Death trilogy.
If you feel that you can talk with me, help me understand, and be willing to let me back in, meet me at Dolly’s on Thursday night at 7 p.m.
Yours Always,
Ollie
I knew when I wrote the plans at the end, I was taking a really big chance on love. There was a good possibility that I would end up sitting at Dolly’s all by myself, stuffing cheese curds in my mouth and hoping for a better future. I also knew that Dolly’s had a lot of old memories for both of us, memories that we let haunt us to the point where we couldn’t even enjoy dinner. I wanted to go back to the place of our first dinner, to prove to her that we could move away from the past and blaze a trail into the future, hand in hand. Everything with Lillie had finally run its course, and I was ready to be the man that Elana needed, and especially the man that she wanted. I knew that if Lillie could see us, she would be happy that we were able to break the cycle of suffering and find love again. I knew this because at the end of the day, I knew Lillie, and she loved Elana and me as much as we loved her.
I dropped that letter off on Monday night and knew that I would have a long week waiting for our date. I went to work and actually did my job, showing Mike that I was still good at what I did, even if on the inside, I wanted to scream. My work quality went up tenfold, and every time I would begin to worry about Thursday, I would remember the notes and letter that I had sent to her. I would remember the feeling Elana had given me in the pit of my stomach every time that I was around her. I would remember exactly why I was doing all of this, to be happy and to move forward into the future with thirst and lust for a brighter tomorrow.
Sure, there were plenty of reasons for me to be terrified of going to Dolly’s, but none of them revolved around the past any longer. Everything that I felt revolved around the future and making sure that Elana was part of that future. I didn’t know what I would do if she didn’t show up, but I couldn’t think about that. I had to keep my mind set on Thursday. Anything that happened from there would be handled as it came. I wasn’t going to set myself up for failure mentally.
Before I knew it, Thursday was here. As I drove up to the quad and parked, my nerves were shooting through my chest and up into my throat. I was on pins and needles, waiting to see if she would show up. Waiting to see if my future was going to begin the way I was hoping it would.
Chapter 36
Elana
Taking a leap of faith when it comes to the heart can be one of the most difficult decisions a person will ever face. It wasn’t like picking a house or a school. It was making a decision that could cause you physical pain or raise you up, bringing happiness and contentment for the rest of your life. For me, I knew that making a decision about a person was way more serious than where I laid my head at night. One thing that Lillie’s death taught me was the fact that you didn’t take your houses and cars and clothes with you when you died. What was important were the feelings you left with other people, the lives you changed by the emotional decisions that you made along the way. At that moment, I was standing outside the door to Dolly’s, and I had never felt more unsure about anything I had ever done before.
I took in a deep breath, grasped the handle to the door, and walked inside, straightening my shirt and starting to unbutton my coat. The place was busy, but not as busy as the first time we’d been here. This time though, instead of feeling overwhelmed with the memories of the past, I was feeling extremely intimidated by all the emotions that could possibly lead to the future. I scanned the room with my eyes, landing on the same booth that we had sat in last time we came. He was looking down at the menu and hadn’t seen me walk inside yet, so I breathed deeply, gathering my emotions before I started across the floor.
As soon as I stepped forward, Ollie looked up, our eyes locked, and my knees began to shake. Just seeing him made my heart flutter, and I thought about all the notes and the letter he had sent me. Still, I couldn’t get caught up in his romantic gesture. I needed to remember the facts, the actual things that happened. I knew love could blind you, and I didn’t want to be the girl that ignored the signs until ten years down the road when it was all too late. He smiled at me as I approached, taking off my coat and scooting into the booth across the table from him.
My heart was pounding, beating so rapidly in my chest that I could hear it echoing into my ears. My palms were sweaty, my hands were shaking, and I couldn’t seem to get a coherent thought to form in my head. I closed my eyes for a moment and brea
thed in and out of my nose, a trick my therapist taught me when I felt a panic attack coming on. After a few moments, I opened them back up and met Ollie’s stare. He looked concerned, but I was fine. I just needed to get this conversation going. The silence between us was nerve-racking and thick.
I wasn’t sure how to start this. He was the one who had asked me to meet him here, after all. I didn’t even know what he thought the problem was, or if he even cared what the problem was. I took my clasped hands off the table and set them in my lap, thinking it was better to not give the opportunity for physical touch at that moment. I knew that if he touched me, I might just fold, and I had to keep my wits about me. I waited quietly for him to speak.
“Thank you for coming,” he said. “I know that asking you here when everything is as off-kilter with us as it is had to be hard for you to do. I guess what I want to know is really simple in theory, but probably more complex to explain. Either way, I’m going to get straight to the point. I want to know why you broke things off with me.”
He stared at me, and I swallowed hard, unsure of what to say at that moment. He didn’t understand. How could he? He was living his life. I knew that if I was right, he obviously had fooled himself into thinking that he really did care about me. In the meantime, I was waking up to him telling Lillie that he will love her forever. I knew that I couldn’t be with him, knowing that all I was to him was a distraction, a filler for the place that had been vacant for five years, a replacement for a woman that had died. I wanted him to love me for me. I decided that the best course of action at that point was to tell the truth. I knew if I didn’t, and he realized it—which he would because I was a terrible liar—there would never be any sort of closure between us.
I needed closure. I needed to know that he understood that he was falling for me, but at the same time, telling Lillie he loved her in his dreams. I needed him to know that even though he was allowed to always love Lillie, in a relationship, he had to push that away and love the person that he was with for who they were, not just because they took some of the pain away. Trust me, I knew how it felt to have that void, and then how it felt to be able to feel the warmth in your chest again. The biggest difference between the two of us was the fact that he was romantically involved with her, but she was my best friend. He wasn’t stepping into her shoes, but I was, taking my life from where it was to exactly where Lillie’s was when she tragically died five years ago. No matter how I put it to myself, I was worth way more than that.
“The last night that you stayed with me,” I said, taking a deep breath. “We had fallen asleep in each other’s arms. Everything was fine, perfect even, but then I woke up to the sound of you mumbling in your sleep. At first, I couldn’t understand anything that you were saying. It was just a bunch of gibberish. Then you started saying Lillie’s name. You called out to her over and over again. At first, I understood, having had dreams about Lillie quite frequently. So, I got up and went into the bathroom and got you a drink of water. I was going to wake you up, tell you it was a dream, and make sure you were able to comfortably go back to bed. However, as I walked across the room back to your side, you said something else. You said, ‘I love you, and I always will.’ I didn’t know what to do. I just froze. You continued to mumble and turn in your sleep, whispers of Lillie’s name escaping your lips, and then you rested still for the rest of the time that I was there.”
I looked up at Ollie and watched as a frown moved over his face. I didn’t know if that frown was because of the dream, because of what he said, or because I was bringing it up to him. This wasn’t one of those situations where I fell asleep and dreamed he cheated, waking up and being angry at him for no reason at all. This was his dream and his verbal outpouring of love for his dead fiancée, all while lying next to me in my bed. It was hard to accept, even for me who heard it firsthand. I could only imagine that it may be hard for him to swallow as well, especially since I was assuming he didn’t remember any of this at all. That, to me, made it even worse, and I almost felt like a dream from your subconscious was even more truthful than one that happened in the fleeting moment after you fall to sleep but before you reach the depth of your rest. This was obviously something that came from his subconscious, a manifestation of the woman he really loved, maybe even guilt for having spent so much time with me that weekend.
“All right,” he said. “Go on.”
“It was a really long night for me,” I replied. “I laid awake on the bed for quite a while, mulling it over in my head, feeling the pangs of heartbreak in my chest. My soul felt completely crushed, and by the time I felt the tears coming, I knew I had to get out of the bed. I didn’t want to face anything at that moment, not even the reality that I knew was stewing in the back of my mind.”
“What reality was that?”
I sat there looking at him for several moments, trying to decide what I wanted to say to him. I knew the truth was preferable, but I also knew it would be painful for the both of us. I knew that letting him go completely would put a stamp on that relationship that could never be undone, just more bad past memories for us to both hold onto. I knew that it would be harder for him to accept it because he was the man that had dreamt what it was that he dreamt.
“It’s all right,” he said, nodding. “Say it. Whatever it is, I want to hear the honest truth.”
I nodded and took in a deep breath, closing my eyes and formulating my words. He sat patiently across the table from me, reminding me just how gentle and patient he had always been with me. I pushed that thought out of my head, knowing it wouldn’t make any of this any easier.
“I’m afraid that you’re not over Lillie yet,” I said. “And I understand that you actually may never be. She is your ex by happenstance, not by choice. She was the woman you had chosen to spend the rest of your life with. That cannot be an easy thing to let go of, and in fact, it may be completely impossible to do, especially when you live here where you loved her, where you mourned her, and where you returned, not understanding what kind of impact that it would have on you. That being said, I think that maybe you’re with me because I’m the closest stand-in for Lillie that you could find. We have a history together that included her, and my love for her, though in a different way than yours, was just as strong. Those memories can really take hold of you sometimes. They can make two people feel closer than they ever would have been without that kind of past.”
I watched him as he sat across from me, listening patiently as I explained myself. Maybe coming here was a mistake. Maybe I should have told him all of this through a letter or over the phone. It was really difficult for me to keep my composure while I was staring across the table at his beautiful eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I said, tears falling down my cheeks. “You’re such a wonderful man, and I really think that this wasn’t intentional. I think that you haven’t even realized how much you still love Lillie and what you were doing with me. If we continue this, if I jump back into a relationship with you, I know that someday you’ll wake up, looking at your life like a stranger. You’ll have reached the point where you finally let her go, only instead of being alone, ready to tackle the world, you will have me in there. You will realize that I’m not Lillie, and from that, our relationship will fall to pieces. I can tell you now, though, I don’t want any more pieces in my life to clean up. I’ve had enough of my own for the last five years. I just want to be happy.”
Chapter 37
Ollie
I hated to see the tears falling from Elana’s eyes. I hated that this relationship had put her through so much turmoil and inner struggle. And I hated that my hand was stained in the grief that I had given her. I watched as she tried to keep it together, telling me her theory on why we shouldn’t be together. I could see how from her point of view, that seemed like the reality of the situation, but in fact, it couldn’t be further from the truth. When she finished speaking and brought the napkin up to her eyes, drying her tears, I took in a deep breath and slowly let it
out, preparing to explain.
She had taken the dream I had and twisted it into the exact opposite thing that actually occurred. I knew from an outside perspective, what she was saying seemed like the ultimate truth, but in reality, it couldn’t be further away. I was slightly worried that when I explained, she wasn’t going to believe me, but I had to take that chance. I had brought her to Dolly’s so that the two of us could find peace between us. So that she could understand how I felt about her, not her as a replacement, but her as an individual, completely separate from Lillie and completely separate from our history. The dream had been what completely and fully lifted me from any guilt of being with Elana, not the other way around as she saw it. If she wasn’t so hurt, and this hadn’t ruined everything, the situation might be almost comical.
“Elana,” I said. “Let me explain the dream to you. At first, Lillie and I were walking down the streets of Madison. There was a lot of fog, and I kept losing her in the mist, reaching out but never feeling her there. Each time I lost her, I would call her name out, which is what you heard when I was yelling her name, I guess. We were walking up the sidewalk in the quad, coming to meet you. We were supposed to meet you at the Lincoln Statue, just like we had so many other times in life. I could see you even before we reached halfway, and there was a glowing light behind you. With every burst of emotion in my chest, Lillie’s ghost would flicker, becoming almost translucent in front of me. It was a strange dream really, but it made a lot of sense at the end.”
I lowered my head and set my napkin in my lap, taking a moment to collect myself. I hadn’t realized how emotional it would be for me to tell Elana about this dream. It had been an eye-opener for me of massive proportions, and it made me want to tell her everything. For some reason, though, I couldn’t seem to choke down the burning in my chest. She looked over at me with almost pity as I struggled to continue, knowing she was taking my emotion out of context. She was sitting there thinking all of these things, the same things she had been thinking for over a week, and I felt completely terrible about the fact that I had let it go on this long. I was so scared to fight for her that I let her sit in misery, not understanding the truth of everything.