“Smart.”
“Thanks for coming with me. If you think of anything, please call me.”
“How about you and Jessie come over tonight, and we can all talk about it?”
“Really, dingleberry? That would be great. I don’t sound like such a lunatic around you.”
“My calming influence?”
“No, just by comparison, I’m the normal one.”
I got enough work done for Adeline that by the time A.J. and Suzi showed up — with Evelyn, of course — I was feeling pretty accomplished. Suzi went upstairs and changed Evelyn while I filled A.J. in on what was going on. A.J. took a shower while I filled Suzi in on what was going on, and then Suzi went up and took a shower while A.J. talked to Evelyn in the living room, and I got dinner started. We are like a finely tuned machine.
I love my life.
Every single thing about it.
Teagan showed up early. She and Suzi set the backyard table while Evelyn and I chatted in the kitchen — she isn’t as verbal as Teagan, but she makes a lot more sense — and Jessie and A.J. drank beer and watched some sports thing on the television.
Teagan must really be worried or she would be with the guys watching sports.
That’s not good.
We did beef for dinner. I would never admit this to anyone else, but it’s one of my meals that even I consider cheating. It’s so simple, it’s embarrassing. I cut beef in big cubes, put them in a bowl of 7-Up, and stick it in the fridge for a couple of hours. Then a little while before I’m going to cook, I drain the meat and set it out to warm up a little. I peel my potatoes and start them off in boiling water. They take almost no time to cook that way. Once the potatoes are boiling pretty good, I grab a huge frying pan, slap some butter in there, and put the meat in. While it’s starting to brown, I add some salt and pepper and a little onion salt, and then — I can’t believe I’m saying this — I grab some gravy mix. You know, the really cheap stuff. I mix it with some cold water. Stir it up really well. When the meat is browned on all sides, I throw the gravy mix on top and let it simmer while I throw some veggies on to cook.
I know everyone that knows me thinks I cook everything from scratch, the old-fashioned way, but that isn’t always the case.
While the veggies are doing their thing, I drain the potatoes. Mash those puppies and stir the meat, if needed. By the time the veggies are done, I have the potatoes in a bowl, the veggies go next, then grab the meat and put it in a nice shallow serving bowl, pour the not-really-gravy over the top, and we’re good to go. The not-really-gravy never thickens and is more like drippings, but adds a lot of flavor. I usually serve with rolls and really cold butter.
For some reason, sometimes a chunk of butter is just better than a slice.
Or maybe that’s just me. And Mom. She loved a lot of butter on rolls. And toast. All the way to the crust. No cheating.
It’s funny how many things make me think of her. But now, most of the time, I smile. Not cry. I think she would approve.
In the time it took Teagan and Suzi to get all set up out in the back — and of course a few minutes to coo over Evelyn — I was all done.
Dinner was good. We stayed mostly on safe subjects. Who wants to ruin their appetite with the thought of murder? And the thought that your entire world might shift if it turns out your partner is actually a naked person who cheated the government and is a criminal at heart. Especially when you thought he was really this kind, gentle person much like your own father. Teagan was probably thinking about it even if she wasn’t yet talking about it.
After dinner Suzi insisted that she and Evelyn would clean up the kitchen while the four of us talked. Teagan assured her she was more than welcome to join in the conversation, and her insights might be very helpful — since Teagan and I think a lot alike — but Suzi said she’d rather clean the kitchen and call it a night.
I’d have to remember to ask A.J. if everything is okay.
We talked our way around in circles about seven and a half times. Jessie was getting annoyed, and even A.J. was frustrated.
“You need to leave this to the cops, Sweet-Tea. They have people who actually know what they’re doing and have guns should they need them.”
Teagan snapped at him. “Are you saying I don’t know what I’m doing?”
He gave her a warm smile. “In most things, virtually everything, my answer would be that if you don’t know how to do something at this very moment, you’ll have it figured out soon enough. You’re brilliant, and you know that I know that. But one error in something like this could cost you your life. I’m not willing to even think of a cost that high.”
I’m a terrible person.
I admit it.
Because when Jessie said that, the very first thought through my mind was that Daddy couldn’t take another loss so soon. If Teagan loves my father as much as I know she does, she would never take a chance at putting him through something like that.
She took a deep breath. “You’re right. It would kill my father to have something happen to Cara or me. Even if we survived it.”
I guess we do think alike.
I decided to be sisterly. “I agree, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t pass information to the cops if we have it. I was thinking… ”
Jessie laughed. “That’s always dangerous.”
I looked at Teagan. “Smack him for me, will ya?”
She’s a good sister. She did.
When I was done laughing, I said, “Something fell into place for me today. Remember when I was all weirded out because Honey showed up here, and I couldn’t figure out how she found out where we lived. She told us today. She said that she had to find my address for a subpoena.”
I gave A.J. the I’ll tell you later look and continued. “What was once a big mystery was solved with a little piece of information that I just didn’t have. I am pretty convinced this whole thing with Lola and Gord and everything is the same kind of situation. We’re just missing a tiny bit of information, probably something someone assumes we already know.”
Teagan jumped on it. “Good point. It’s like when you look for something all day, and it shows up right in the middle of your counter. Again.”
I couldn’t let it go. “That happened again?”
“Yep. I was looking for my pedometer. Searched and searched. Couldn’t find it anywhere. About an hour later I was walking past the counter in the bathroom, and there it was.”
A.J. isn’t into anything that could remotely be described as paranormal. “Maybe it was just wrapped in a towel, and when you moved the towel, it fell to the counter, and you didn’t notice.”
Jessie perked up. “Exactly what I said.”
“Yes, and in years past I would say the same thing, but I’ve been a good girl since we moved into my dream house. I actually pick up after myself and everything. I can’t remember the last time I left a towel just sitting on a counter.”
Jessie shook his head. “That’s true. She keeps the house spotless.”
I had to laugh. “We’ve switched places. She’s become me. I’ve become her.”
A.J. spoke without thinking. “You aren’t that bad.”
We all laughed and never really got back to the subject of Gord and Lola. There are times your brain just switches off. You’ve had enough, even if your conscious mind isn’t smart enough to know it.
I offered dessert. Jessie and Teagan declined. They left pretty early.
Suzi and Evelyn had already gone up stairs.
A.J. and I sat in the living room and read for a while. We had music playing very faintly. When my favorite Irish folk song came on, we danced our way into our room.
All things being equal, it was a pretty spectacular night.
TWELVE
WHEN THE PHONE rings in the middle of the night, it is never good news. I grabbed it before it could ring a second time. I didn’t even look at the caller ID. I should have. When my father’s voice, tired and sad, came on the line, it about kil
led me.
“Ah, child. It is with bad news I wake you in the middle of the night. I’m so sorry to do it.”
“Not a problem, Daddy. Are you okay? What happened?”
“I thought of calling Seamus, but Val is so pregnant about now.”
“I’m glad you called. What’s going on?”
A.J. stirred. When he heard the tone of my voice, he knew it wasn’t Teagan being Teagan. I hadn’t gotten out of bed. Hadn’t had it in me.
“We’ve lost Aldo.”
I could breathe again. I’m sorry for his family’s loss. I really am. But his family’s loss is a far cry from my family’s loss.
I shook my head at A.J. so that he would know everything was almost okay. “Daddy, I’m so sorry. What can we do?”
“I came in the ambulance, and I don’t have my car. I would rather not be a burden to the family at this point. Could you come give me a ride home, child?”
“Which hospital?”
“General. I’ll be at the entrance on the bench. Take your time. Have a cup. I don’t want you driving half-asleep. Now that I think about it, I’ll just call transport. I will take a taxi home. I’m sorry I woke you, child.”
“Don’t be silly. O’Flynns don’t take taxis. It’s one of the perks. I’ll be there in a bit. I’m wide-awake.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
A.J. was out of bed getting dressed when I put the phone down.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking you to a hospital. Is your dad alright?”
“His friend Aldo passed away. He just needs a ride home. I can do it.”
“I’ll go with you. I want to make sure your dad is alright, and I don’t want you out running around until all this stuff with Teagan is figured out.”
Is it terrible that the fact A.J. got up without even being asked — and then his first thought was if my father is okay — is one of the sexiest things I’ve ever encountered? I know it isn’t politically correct or anything, but I like that he likes to take care of me. On a more gender-neutral stance, I like to take care of him, too. If Gran called and wanted a ride home in the middle of the night, I’d go. Just to make sure she was okay, and if she weren’t, I’d want to be there for A.J. and for Gran.
I know people think we’re weird, but it is working for us, so I’m not going to overthink it.
Daddy was true to his word. He was sitting on a stone bench right outside the admitting entrance, looking tired and a little bit broken.
The car hadn’t come to a complete stop when I jumped out of the passenger seat and dove for the backseat.
For me, it’s a respect thing. I will never allow my father to sit in the back seat.
“Child, never give up your seat.”
“Daddy, it’s too late. I’m already back here.”
He shook his head but didn’t fight me on it. This ritual has almost become a tradition. It’s not just me. All of us kids feel the same way.
I wonder what Seamus would do. I bet we’ll never find out. He will always be in the driver’s seat. He has to be in control. That’s a whole other issue we don’t need to think about tonight.
“Are you okay, Daddy?”
“I will be. It has been a long day.”
“I’ll bet. Is there anything we can do?”
“There might be, but for tonight, not a thing.”
“What happened?”
“He was feeling poorly this afternoon. We called the visiting nurse. She came by about an hour later. Couldn’t ask for better care. She said she thought he needed to be seen at the hospital. We were going to bring him in my car, but when we helped him stand, it was obvious he needed more help than we could provide. The nurse called an ambulance. The neighbors poured out to watch. Aldo would have hated that, but by the time they got him on the gurney and out the door, he wasn’t doing at all well. They brought him in with full sirens. I knew he wasn’t well, but I had no inkling that we’d lose him so fast.”
“It’s harder for those left behind, but it is a blessing for those leaving. I wouldn’t want to linger. I’d want long enough to say good-bye, and then I’m out.”
“Child, you are much too young to give such things a thought.” Daddy got very still. “I would have said as much to your mother. Seems I don’t know as much as I thought.”
“Daddy, why don’t you come home with us tonight? We have plenty of room. You can help with Evelyn in the morning when we are getting ready. Check out my flowers. I swear I haven’t killed them all yet.”
He had such a sad smile. “No, I think I’ll go home. Get a little rest. Then I’ll help the family. It’s the least I can do.”
The rest of the car ride was done in silence. It broke my heart. When we got to Daddy’s house, it dawned on me that his car wasn’t there. He said he’d get it in the morning, that he didn’t want to disturb the family.
This is going to be more difficult than I’d imagined.
That’s a lie.
I hadn’t really given it any thought, even though I knew Aldo was sick. I didn’t realize he was that sick.
The next few days were a whirlwind. Teagan and I helped Daddy create a beautiful display of pictures for Aldo’s service. He was cremated, and the family wanted more of a celebration than a funeral.
I can do an Irish Catholic funeral with my eyes shut and my hands tied behind my back, but this was all new to me, and Daddy was so sad.
I was seventy-three kinds of pissed when half my brothers and sisters didn’t show up at the service. I realize they have busy lives, and they didn’t really know Aldo, but they know Daddy, and for the O’Flynns, it should have been more about supporting him.
Mom would never have allowed that to happen. She wouldn’t have had to say a word. Not one. The family would just know.
I wonder what other things have changed, and I just haven’t noticed.
I kind of lost it at the service.
First, Daddy cried. Not really like a me or Teagan cry, but I saw more than one tear. Then it just hit me all at once that my family isn’t what it was and will never again be what I have always known it to be.
Without Mom, we are not what we were.
That thought — however late hitting — just about killed me.
I tried to talk myself into being positive and reminded myself that just because it will be different doesn’t mean it won’t be better, but then my real self screamed at me.
Nothing will ever be better without Mom being a part of it.
It was nothing like when Mom died, for that I am really grateful, but another family will have to move forward without someone they love more than anything. Death should be reserved for those who have had a long, full life and are ready to move to the next. The next whatever comes after this.
It was a rough day.
After we got Daddy home and settled, and made sure he ate, Teagan went back to the office, and I went home. A.J. made it to the service, but left straight from there.
I took a long shower, which is almost unheard of for me. I put on my lounge pants. They are actually plaid pajama pants that I got from a tall shop. I never wear them. I pulled them on and put on a black t-shirt and moped around the house for a little bit. I couldn’t get the energy going to do anything of value, so I decided to lie down and say the Rosary.
Mom would like that.
I think I got to the third Hail Mary in the first decade before I fell asleep.
With clothes on.
That never happens.
When I woke up, I was crying so hard I wasn’t even sure if I was awake or asleep.
A.J. was sitting beside me trying to calm me down. “It was just a bad dream. You’re okay.”
It took very concerted effort to calm myself down. “I dreamed that my mother was back. She was alive again.”
He didn’t say anything, just rubbed my back and kissed my forehead.
“She told me that she came back for me. Because I miss her so much. De
ar God, A.J. she was so broken. In so much pain. And she told me she would stay if I wanted her to. It was my decision. I couldn’t decide. I couldn’t decide if I could make her live in all that pain so that I wouldn’t be in pain anymore, or if I would let her go so that she wouldn’t be in pain, knowing how much I hurt every minute she isn’t here.”
I went a little hysterical.
A.J. sat me up, took me by the shoulders, and looked me right in the eye. “It was a dream, Cara. Your mother would never do that to you. She would never ask you to make such a difficult decision. Remember? Your mother’s philosophy was always that decision-making power trickles down, not up. She didn’t ask you when it was time to toilet train you, or when you were ready to go on your first date. She made those decisions. She was strong enough to do that for you. Her gift to you. She wouldn’t stop now.”
“You’re right.”
“She loves you, Cara. More than you know.”
“You’re right. I know.” I took a calming breath. “How do you know all this stuff?”
“I paid attention. From the first moment to this one. You mean everything to me, Cara. If it’s important to you, it is important to me. Nothing is more important to you than family.”
“You’re right.” I stood on wobbly legs.
“Where are you going?”
“I need a shower. Again. Then food. Where’s Suzi? What time is it?”
“Suzi is out to dinner. Gran has Evelyn. It’s a little after seven.”
“Why does Suzi keep bringing Evelyn to Gran’s? Doesn’t she like us anymore?”
“I think she doesn’t want to overwhelm us. Having her and the baby around all the time.”
“But we like having them around.”
His smile made me cry all over again. “What’s up with you?”
“I don’t know. The last time I was this emotional all the time… ”
I know how big my eyes got because I could actually feel it.
“Do you think you are?”
“Pregnant?”
“You’re the one that said the last time you were this emotional… ”
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