It took less than a second to work out exactly what had happened here. Siobhan had told Lucien about seeing her at the hospital, who’d told Chas, who’d told Theo. A perfectly efficient grapevine delivering perfectly flawed information. Was that the real reason he’d come? Not to try again because he wanted to, but because he had a duty to?
‘There is no baby,’ she said.
‘But…’
‘I’m not pregnant. Is that why you’ve come?’
‘Well, yes, but—’
‘You wanted to know if it was yours?’
‘Yes. I wanted to do the right thing.’
She handed the flowers back to him. ‘Give these to your mum or something. She’ll appreciate them.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘And that’s exactly the reason why we can’t be together. After all you’ve said, after you made me believe that you had faith in me, that I could trust you to trust me and show me some respect, you come to me and ask me if the baby is yours?’
‘I’m sorry, I thought you were pregnant; it’s just that I was told—’
‘It’s not that you came to me because you thought I was pregnant. Actually, that’s a decent thing to do. It’s that you had to ask if the baby was yours. Who else’s was it going to be? I’d told you I hadn’t slept with anyone else since Lucien and yet you come here asking me who the father is? Doesn’t that say everything about what you really think of me?’
‘It wasn’t meant to sound like that; I just wanted to check before I said something—’
‘Well, it did.’
Lara walked to the front door and opened it.
‘That’s it?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’
‘You can’t just tell me to go.’
‘I can. This is me, telling you to go.’
‘Let me explain—’
‘I could, but I have a feeling you’d make it worse. You’re good at that.’
‘Lara, I’m sorry…’
‘Please go now.’
Theo threw her one last pleading glance, but Lara turned her face away, afraid that if she looked she’d crumble.
Twenty
Betsy had been missing the following afternoon at an appointment with her midwife. Lara had told her not to worry about coming back, but she’d insisted on seeing out the rest of the working day and, though Lara appreciated the commitment, for once she wished her assistant would go home. It had been difficult to keep her mind on anything they had to do in the office when there was so much else to think about. Her sleep had been crappy and that hadn’t helped. Betsy had been the same, often bending her head to a file only for it to snap up again and for her to start talking about something that had happened at her scan, or some new thought about motherhood that had occurred to her:
‘I wonder if I’ll eat weird food.’
‘I wonder if I can have it in a swimming pool.’
‘When do they start walking?’
‘Does it hurt a lot giving birth?’
She’d messaged a copy of the scan photo to the baby’s father, Reece, and he’d messaged a smiley face back. That had sent Betsy into contemplating whether the baby might bring them together as a proper couple and how she felt about that. Lara was content to let her talk and to offer the odd word where she felt it necessary but, in the end, this was Betsy’s life and only she could decide it. Besides, Lara hardly felt qualified to offer anyone advice on life choices.
At five, Betsy left for the day. Lara hurriedly locked up the office, rushed to put down fresh food for an absent Fluffy in the expectation he’d be back soon enough, pulled on a cardigan and headed out.
Outside the house, Lara scanned the street for a sign of Lucien’s car. She couldn’t see it, and she hoped that meant he wasn’t there. As far as Lara knew, he ought to be still at work and, once he got home, he’d take his time preening and grooming before he headed out again. Siobhan would have finished her working day and be in by now, but again, this assumption was based on what Lara knew of her friend’s schedule before the split. She had to acknowledge that this might have changed, though she hoped it hadn’t. If Lara was right about all this, it gave her perhaps an hour or so to do what she needed to do. She knocked a shaking hand at Siobhan’s door and waited.
After perhaps thirty seconds, the door opened. Siobhan didn’t look surprised to see Lara standing there, but she did look wary. Lara couldn’t blame her for that when she thought back to what had transpired the last time she’d stood on this doorstep.
‘I haven’t come to start anything,’ Lara said quickly. ‘I just wanted to say… well, I just wanted to say congratulations.’
Siobhan gave a tight smile. ‘I suppose I ought to say the same to you.’
‘I’m not pregnant,’ Lara said. Siobhan looked confused now, and Lara wondered whether the flawed information that had been fed to Theo had indeed come from her. ‘We were at the hospital for my colleague, not for me.’
‘Oh,’ Siobhan said again. ‘I didn’t realise—’
‘It’s an easy mistake to make,’ Lara said. ‘Look…’ she glanced up and down the street. ‘Can I come in? It’s kind of weird having this conversation on the street.’
‘What conversation is that going to be?’ Siobhan asked, and Lara could see her guard go up.
‘Please. I’m sorry I lost it with you – it won’t happen again. I just feel that we have a past we really should show a bit more respect for. And I don’t think that’s down to you,’ she added quickly. ‘I realise I need to take some blame for that too.’
Siobhan moved aside and let Lara step into the hallway before closing the door.
‘Will Lucien be coming over tonight?’ Lara asked.
‘Not for a while yet,’ Siobhan said, ‘so you needn’t worry about running into him as long as you’re not planning to stay long.’
‘I’d rather not,’ Lara said. ‘It would be a bit awkward.’
Siobhan folded her arms tight across her chest and nodded. She looked tired again; she had shadows around her eyes and was paler than usual. Lara wondered whether the pregnancy was draining her.
‘How far along are you?’ Lara asked, glancing at Siobhan’s tummy. She wasn’t showing yet – at least, Lara couldn’t see that she was, though the sweatshirt she’d probably just chucked on over her work clothes was baggy enough to hide quite a lot.
Siobhan didn’t reply; she simply folded her arms tighter across her chest. Lara took that to mean that she didn’t want to discuss it with her and, if she was honest, Lara could see why she’d be reluctant. Perhaps Lara had been very unreasonable the last time she’d been at her house and perhaps Siobhan didn’t want to give her any more personal information than she needed to. She might have been worried that Lara would use it as ammunition somewhere down the line should she find herself in a less forgiving mood than the one she was currently in. Lara wouldn’t do that, but again, she could see why Siobhan might be wary.
‘I honestly don’t know where to start,’ Lara continued, taking the cue to leave that particular line of conversation. ‘While I was driving over here I kept thinking about what to say and I couldn’t figure it out. I still don’t know. I don’t even know why I’ve come, except that something just told me I needed to.’
‘I’m sorry about what I said the other night,’ Siobhan said. ‘I know it was all rubbish and it was mean to repeat it to you.’
‘I know you are. I’m sorry for what I said and did too.’
‘You still think you were right, though.’
‘I should have butted out, right or wrong. It’s not my place to come here and tell you the things I told you.’
‘No,’ Siobhan sighed. ‘I would have done the same if it had been the other way round. At least, I would have done once upon a time.’
When we were friends and the telling me wouldn’t have involved you being with my boyfriend, Lara thought – though that much was obvious and didn’t really need saying.
Siobhan scratched
the length of her arm, still hugging herself. Lara recognised her all-too-familiar troubled look – she’d seen it enough over the years they’d been friends. ‘What did Lucien say to you that night at the Emerald Lounge?’
‘Siob, I was angry that night and I steamed over here without thinking it through. I don’t think it’s something we want to start again now… is it?’
‘I want to know.’
Lara paused as she took in Siobhan’s tired features. ‘He was coming on to me – that’s all. Just like I said the other night. But then, like you said, he does that. It’s in his nature; it probably didn’t mean anything.’
‘I’d just told him I was pregnant. Before he went out I told him.’
Lara stared at her.
‘I think he was a bit freaked out,’ Siobhan continued. ‘I think that’s why he did what he did.’
Lara didn’t believe that for a second; after all, it wasn’t the first time Lucien had played that game. But she could see how desperately Siobhan wanted to believe it. What kind of person would that make Lara if she let her? But if she tried to persuade Siobhan otherwise, would this conversation end in exactly the same way it had the night she’d flown here from the Emerald Lounge?
‘I confronted him about it,’ Siobhan said. ‘I asked him and he said you’d come on to him.’
‘But that’s—’
‘A lie, I know – I’m not that green,’ Siobhan cut in. ‘Even I can see that much. I told him so too. And do you know what?’
Lara shook her head.
‘He said he was sorry, and I actually think he meant it. We talked about the baby and I’ve never seen him so serious before. I think it actually did us good to acknowledge the way he is and tackle it for once instead of me always turning a blind eye. I told him that if he wanted to be a part of this baby’s life then he had to clean up his act. And he promised me he’d change, Lara. He promised me he’d change for the baby. I want to believe him, and I think I do but… You know him; do you think he can? Do you think that’s even possible?’
‘I don’t think I really knew him at all,’ Lara said. ‘I thought I did. I can’t answer that question – only you can. And if you can’t then you have no choice but to go with your gut.’
‘My gut says he wants to, but that’s not the same as being able to, is it?’
‘Well,’ Lara said slowly, ‘maybe he’ll surprise us both.’
Siobhan gave a small smile. ‘You never know.’
‘I don’t think he would have even tried for me, so you’re winning there.’
‘I never wanted to win,’ Siobhan said. ‘You have to believe that I never wanted things to be like this.’
‘I do,’ Lara said and, as she said it, she realised it was the first time she’d actually believed it. Talking to Siobhan now, like this, almost like they used to be, she realised the truth of what her friend was telling her. They’d shared too much history for Siobhan to have wanted them to end up like this. ‘I hate us being enemies.’
‘We can’t be friends – not now. Even if we tried really hard.’
‘I know that too. We don’t have to be at war though.’
‘You were the one waging war; I was just here—’
‘In my place—’
‘And that’s why we can’t be friends,’ Siobhan cut in. ‘You’re never really going to forgive me for what happened, even if you say you can. It will always be there, in the back of your mind.’
‘I’m sorry – that came out wrong.’ Lara sighed. ‘You’re probably right. It’s going to take some effort but I think we could move past it eventually. As long as I don’t have to see him.’
‘You’re suggesting we start socialising again?’
‘No… of course not. But perhaps we could make it so things aren’t so horrible and awkward every time we bump into each other somewhere. I’d like that and I hope you would too.’
‘I never wanted that.’
‘But you can understand why it happened, surely?’
Siobhan nodded. ‘I’ve always regretted the way all this panned out. Not the being pregnant with Lucien’s baby – I’m thrilled about that. But the things that it did to you – to us. You’ve always meant a lot to me.’
‘I know. I feel the same way – you know I do.’ Lara gave her a brief smile. ‘In a way, I suppose I ought to thank you. I did complain quite a lot about him.’
‘You did,’ Siobhan said. ‘If I’m honest, I find him quite high-maintenance too.’
‘I think anyone would. But you’re happy?’
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t know, looking back now, that I could have honestly said that and meant it when I was with him. I thought I did but now I realise that I wasn’t seeing it clearly. We were never really suited.’
‘But you loved him?’
Lara paused. Had she ever loved Lucien? It had felt that way at the time, but now that she thought about it, she couldn’t tell. Had she been swept along by the dream of the handsome, well-connected boyfriend? Had she mistaken those feelings of validation for love? Now that she really thought about it, perhaps she’d never been in love at all.
Her mind wandered to Theo, even though she hadn’t asked it to. Had that been love? It had been complicated, messy, confusing, but at times utterly joyous… perhaps that meant it had been love, or at least the beginnings of it. As a woman of twenty-nine, it was frustrating to think that she was still so clueless in these things, but it seemed that she was.
She looked to see that Siobhan was waiting for an answer, an answer that Lara couldn’t give because she didn’t know it herself anymore.
‘I certainly didn’t love his parents,’ she said instead, not knowing what else to offer.
‘Nobody loves his parents,’ Siobhan said with a sudden wry smile. ‘Apart from Lucien, and even he has his moments of doubt.’
‘They don’t exactly make themselves loveable, do they?’
Siobhan gave an uncertain nod. Perhaps she was wondering whether this conversation was wise, but at the same time, perhaps she was finding it cathartic to share her feelings with the one other person who would understand. ‘Did his mum used to do that thing to you when she’d look over your hair with a sort of sneering face?’
‘And then in the next breath mention the salon she goes to and how amazing the stylists are there; as if to say that you need urgent help from her crack team.’
‘Yes,’ Siobhan said with more eagerness now, ‘or tell you that such-and-such-a-body has had their hair done and it takes years off them – also to make out that your hair looks like shit?’
‘Oh, and when you’d take your shoes off in the hallway she’d peer inside to see what the label was, and if they weren’t Jimmy Choo or something ridiculously expensive she’d pull a face?’
‘Oh God, yes!’ Siobhan said.
‘Always talking about other people’s sons or daughters who are the same age as you but own half of Hong Kong or something because of their meteoric rise to the top?’
‘She has so many ways to make you feel crap she ought to put them in a how-to guide,’ Siobhan said with a genuine smile now that made Lara’s heart soar. They might never be friends again like they once were, but she was glad to see that once they put all the bad feelings to one side, they could still communicate and they still had all the things in common that had once made them so close.
‘His dad’s no better.’
‘He’s almost worse!’ Siobhan agreed fervently. She looked at Lara, her smile fading, replaced once more by that tired, slightly wary look. ‘So this is closure, of sorts, isn’t it? This isn’t making up; it’s only making peace?’
‘I suppose, realistically, it is.’
‘And what about you? Are you OK?’ Siobhan hesitated. ‘This thing you have going on with Chas’s bandmate…’
‘Theo?’ Lara shook her head. ‘It was never meant to be.’
‘It’s over?’
‘Yes. And before you add “already”, yes, that too. I�
��m proving to be quite careless when it comes to men – I keep losing them.’
Siobhan looked awkward. ‘It wasn’t because… well, because of what I said the other night? I mean, did you split over that? Because if you did then I feel just—’
‘No,’ Lara said. They had, but what was the point in making Siobhan suffer for it? And besides, perhaps once Lara had been given time to dissect just what her relationship with Theo had meant, she might find that even if Siobhan’s comments hadn’t finished it, something else would have done sooner rather than later. ‘It wasn’t. Tell me, though: do you know whether Theo said any of this stuff, or was it just Chas and Lucien?’
‘I don’t know. I only heard it from Lucien and he said it was the band, but I don’t know if that means all of them or only some of them.’
Or even if Lucien was telling the truth, Lara added internally, aware that he got a peculiar kick out of causing mischief.
‘I feel just terrible about that—’ Siobhan began, but Lara stopped her.
‘I had you backed into a corner – it would have taken a saint not to retaliate. It doesn’t matter now. If people had been saying that stuff behind my back, especially if it had been my boyfriend, then better that I know, and better that I get rid of the boyfriend.’
Siobhan nodded slowly. Lara drew in a breath.
‘I should go.’
‘OK.’
Lara turned to the door.
‘I’m glad you came,’ Siobhan said. Lara turned to face her again.
‘Me too. Take care of yourself, won’t you?’ She gave a last, brief smile before stepping out onto the street. She had a feeling that this might be the last time she set foot in Siobhan’s house, but that was OK. If she never got the chance to speak to her again, that was OK too – not because she didn’t want to or because she hated Siobhan that much, but because she felt as if, finally, she’d been able to close that chapter of her life in a way that would let her look back on it and remember the good times they’d shared instead of just seeing betrayal. She’d never forget it, of course, and she still found it hard to forgive, but at least she felt she could understand it, come to terms with it, not let it cast a cloud over her own life. That was, unless Lucien chose to cause more trouble. She could only hope that Siobhan was right, and that he would change. As for whether he was even capable of a change that monumental, only time would tell.
The Break Up: The perfect heartwarming romantic comedy Page 22