The Butcher Boy

by Patrick McCabe

  I knew ma wanted to hold it in she didn’t want any of that to start now I knew what she was afraid of she was afraid of the garage. But she didn’t want to let Alo down, she would never let anyone down. She had to say it. Dear God I’m sorry Alo, she said.

  But da wasn’t finished yet. I knew he wasn’t near finished but I just lay there and didn’t say anything that’s all I did I just lay there with my eyes closed pretending I was asleep.

  Ten men under him, said da, that’s right. Closing a gate in a backstreet factory that’s what he’s been at from the day he landed there, tipping his cap to his betters in his wee blue porter’s suit. Oh Alo went far, make no mistake!

  Ma touched Alo on the forearm he looked like a child who had soiled his trousers.

  There was sweat on da’s upper lip it shone like needles. He said: He was always the same, from the minute we were dumped in that Belfast kip. The same softie halfwit, sucking up to the nuns and moping about the corridors. You know what he used to tell them? Our da’s coming to take us home tomorrow! Night noon and morning I had to listen to it! You’d be waiting a long time if you were to wait for Andy Brady to come and take you home! I told him to shut up! What did we care I said we’d manage on our own we needed nobody. I told him it was all over. But he wouldn’t listen! Couldn’t be shut up, him and his mouthing! And the rest of them taking a hand out of him every chance they got!

  Ma cried out. I never seen her face da before. Don’t blame it on your brother because you were put in a home! Christ Jesus Benny are you never going to come to terms with it! After all this time, is it never going to end?

  The side of Alo’s face jerked and for a second it seemed as if he was on the verge of saying something really daft like: Do you think it will rain? Or Where did you get that tablecloth?

  He didn’t though. What he said was: Its getting late. Maybe I’m as well get to my bed.

  Then he said: I’ll hardly see you before I go.

  He asked ma did the bus still go from the corner. She said it did.

  Da had a whiskey glass in his hand. It was trembling a little. I thought maybe he wanted to fling it from him, throw his arms around Alo and cry at the top of his voice: How about that Alo? Fairly fooled you there! That took you in hook line and sinker! Me and Alo – the years we spent in Belfast! The home? A wonderful place! The best years of our lives! Me and Alo – we loved every minute of it in there! Isn’t that right old friend?

  When all this came into my head I wanted to leap up and yahoo. I wanted to cry out let’s have another party I’ll go and get Mary and the whole thing can go right this time what do you say to that Alo is that a good idea?

  But that was only me raving and didn’t happen and the next thing I heard was the sound of the front door closing, you could hardly hear it at all. Ma was in a bad way now. It destroyed you that place, can’t you see that?, she said. You can’t even talk about it, can you? Not even after all this time! Its no shame Benny that you were put in there! And even if it was, no shame should make you turn on your own brother like a dog!

  He didn’t like that and he turned on her then. He said at least he never had to be took off to a madhouse to disgrace the whole family. I knew then ma was never in any garage but I knew all along anyway, I knew it was a madhouse I just didn’t want Nugent or anyone to hear so I said it was a garage. But then I knew too that Nugent knew all about it Mrs Connolly and the women would have told her. So I don’t know what I bothered saying anything about a garage for at all. I could hear Nugent saying: Imagine him thinking he could pull the wool over my eyes!

  When da said that she ran out of the room and I didn’t know what to do. Da was laughing to himself he said what did he care? He clutched the whiskey glass like a weapon and poured himself another. He stood in the middle of the kitchen.

  I’ve always gone my own way, he shouted. Everything I ever did, my way – father or no father! No thanks to Andy Brady or anyone else! Do you hear me?

  He just stood there waiting for another argument to start. That was what he wanted but there was no one there to start it with. Then when it didn’t happen he didn’t know what to do. He just stood there holding the glass swaying, like a drugged giant in the middle of the room. You hear me? he roared again and some of the whiskey spilt down his trouser leg. He watched it dribble until it reached the floor parting into twin rivers on the lino. It went right across as far as the bottom of the door. He kept looking at it as if there was some hidden meaning in the pattern it was making. Then he started crying, his whole body shuddering with each sob.

  I waited until he was asleep in the armchair and then I opened the front door and went out into the morning.

  I was afraid because I hadn’t planned it and I had never run away from home before. I should have brought a bag or something. But I didn’t. As soon as I got out the front door I just started walking. I wanted to walk and walk until the soles of my boots were worn out and I could walk no more. I was like the boy on the back of a colouring book I had. His cheeks were fat red plums and he blew a puffjet of steam from his mouth as he walked up one side of the globe and back down the other. I had a name for him. I called him The Boy Who Could Walk For Ever and that was what I wanted to do now – become him once and for all.

  I left the town far behind me and came out onto the open road. The white clouds floated across the clear blue glass of the sky. I kept thinking of da and Alo standing outside the gates of the home all those years ago. How many windows do you think are there says da. Seventy-five says Alo. I’d say at least a hundred says da. The priest brought them inside through long polished corridors. The assembly hall was crowded. They were all cheering for the two new boys. The priest cleared his throat and said quiet please. I would like you to meet our two new boys he said. Bernard and Alo. Bernard and Alo who? said all the other boys. The priest smiled and rubbed his soft hands together. I was waiting for him to say Brady and finish it. But he didn’t say Brady. He said: Pig.

  Every day I walked until it got dark. I slept under bushes and once in a tyre. I didn’t know what day it was when I reached the city. I was exhausted so I leaned against the big sign. It read: WELCOME TO DUBLIN.

  The buses were green as gooseberries and a stone pillar cut the sky. This is Dublin I says to a fellow yeah its Dublin where do you think it is for the love of Jaysus. I liked the way he said that and I tried to say it myself. Jay-zuss. Who’s that over there I says to this woman and she looks at me with her mouth open. A big grey statue mouthing about something in the middle of the street and birds shiting all over his head. I thought it was the president but she told me it was Daniel O’Connell. I didn’t know anything about him except he was something to do with the English and all that. The way they were going across that bridge you’d think someone had said: I’m sorry but we’re going to let off an atomic bomb any minute now. Bicycles going by in dozens, tick tick tick. Where were they all going. If they were all going to work there was a lot of jobs in Dublin. It was eight o’clock in the morning. There was picture houses and everything. Over I went. The Corinthian Cinema written in unlit lights. What’s going on here I said. The creatures were coming to take over the planet earth because their own was finished there was nothing left on it. The shaky writing said they came from beyond the stars bringing death and destruction. I’d have to go and see them aliens when it opened up. I went into a chip shop. There was a woman with bags and half a beard muttering to herself and spilling tea on the saucer. She said she hoped the communists won she said they’re no worse than the rest of them. She looked over at me and told me she had two sons. And neither of them were any good she said. I wasn’t listening to her. I was thinking about how I was going to get money to see the aliens. The girl says to me what would you like. I says chips. What have you been up to she says you look like you’ve been dragged backways through a ditch. Oh just walking I says. You’ll need a few extra chips so she says and gives me a big heap. I could see her counting money in behind the counter. Then off she�
�d go into the kitchen with the door swinging behind her I could hear her going on about dances. I wished the old woman would hurry up and get out, her and her sons and her bags. Soon as she waddled off I waited for the girl to go back into the kitchen. I was in behind the counter like a bullet and I stuffed any notes I could into my pocket. Then I ran like fuck. All the way down the street I kept thinking: Hunted from town to town for a crime he didn’t commit – Francie Brady – The Fugitive!

  Except for one thing – I did commit it. The first thing I did was I went into a sweetshop with bullseyes and the whole lot. There was a woman there with a chain on her glasses. What did she think – someone was going to try and steal the glasses off her face? Thirty Flash Bars I said. I put them all into my pockets and ate as many of them as I could.

  There was a smell of stout and a big ship pulling into the dock. I wondered was it time for the aliens yet. How would it be? I went into the Gresham Hotel and ordered a slap-up feed. Who’s going to pay for this? says the waiter licking his pencil hmm hmm. I am my man I said, Mr Algernon Carruthers. I seen that in one of Philip’s comics. Algernon Carruthers always on these ships going around the world and eating big dinners. Certainly Master Carruthers he says. I knew what he thought that I was one of these boy millionaires. There was a woman smiling at me. Good day madam! I said. For fuck’s sake!

  I bought bubblegum cards and spread them all out on a park bench. I had Frankie Avalon, John Wayne, Elvis, and a load of other ones I don’t know who they were. I took buses all over the place. Whiz, buses shooting by like arrows. This is some place, this Dublin I says. Then it was time for the aliens. I stocked up at the kiosk. Are you going to eat all this yourself says the man. Oh no I says, my brothers and sisters are inside the whole family ma and da too I said and I could see him looking after me I think he knew well there was no one else in there. Come on aliens youse bastards!, I was thinking as I pushed Maltesers into my mouth one after the other.

  Tinny voice the mayor squared up to the alien leader and told him he’d never get away with it. Every army on earth will fight you he says. But the alien just laughed. He had a human body that he stole off some bogman of a farmer that gave him a lift but you knew by the twisted sneer that inside he was a fat green blob with tentacles like an octopus and his face all scales. Make no mistake he says we will control the world and neither you nor anyone else in this town will stop us. It was him saying in this town made me think of the women and Mrs Nugent they were always saying that. Mrs Nugent said: I’ll tell you one thing our Philip wouldn’t do it. No son worth his salt would do what he did, disown his own family.

  She looked at the women and said: No matter what they are they’re still his own flesh and blood!

  Mrs Connolly sighed: Ah God love them its a pity of them. I seen her the other day and she was at her wits’ end. As if she didn’t have enough on her plate without him running away like that!

  Now you said it Mrs.

  It was pouring rain. I stood on a street corner staring at this sign. It was a big neon baldy man. He was bald when the sign wasn’t flashing but when the sign flashed there he was with a big head of hair. It was a great sign. Why Go Bald? It said that over and over again in all different colours. I could have stayed watching it for ever. I heard a girl singing it was in a church so I went in. She was wearing a white dress and singing a song about gardens. I never heard singing like it. The notes of the piano were clear as spring water rolling down a rock and they made me think about Joe. The first time I met him was in the lane at the back of our house. We must have been four or five at the most. He was hunkered down at the big puddle beside the chickenhouse. It had been frozen over for weeks and he was hacking away at the ice with a bit of a stick. I stood looking at him for a while and then I said to him what would you do if you won a hundred million billion trillion dollars? He didn’t look up, he just went on hacking. Then he told me what he’d do and that kept us going for a long time. That was the first time I met Joe Purcell.

  There was a snowdrop on the ditch that day I remember because there was only one. It was one of those days when you can nearly hear every sound in the town as clear as the girl was singing now. They were the best days, them days with Joe. They were the best days I ever knew, before da and Nugent and all this started.

  I sat there for a long time I don’t know how long. Then the sacristan came and wheeled the piano away. When I looked again the girl in the white dress was gone. But if you listened carefully you could still hear the song, Down By The Salley Gardens that was what it was called. I wanted to sit there until all trace of it was gone. It was like I was floating inside the coloured shaft of evening sunlight that was streaming in through the window.

  I knew that I would look back some day and wonder had I ever been there in that church or did I imagine it all?

  That was the way I thought about those days in the lane with Joe maybe we had never lived them at all. The priest came down and put his hand on my shoulder. He says: Do I know you?

  I says no. He says why are you crying my child?

  I says I’m not crying I pulled away and went out into the street. I stayed by the canal. Rat, I said, fuck off!

  I leaned over the quayside wall. The brown water was streaked with strips of orange and yellow. I don’t know what made me do it ma, I said. An old fellow stopped and says to me are you all right you’re shaking all over. Then ma smiled and said she understood, she knew it wasn’t my fault. Come home Francie she said. I’m sorry ma, I said again then she said it again, come on home, I’m waiting for you.

  I will ma I said I was glad it was all over now and I would never do it, anything like that ever again.

  I still had some of the chip shop money left. The man behind the counter says: Well this one here is two and six and the one on the top shelf that’s a little bit dearer but better quality you’d be getting a bargain there.

  How much is it? I said.

  Three shillings, he says.

  It was like a slice of a tree cut out and a rhyme carved into the wood and decorated all around the edges with green shamrocks. At the bottom was an old woman in a red shawl rocking by the fireside.

  We sell a lot of those says your man looking at me over his glasses.

  I read it a good few times. A Mother’s love’s a blessing no matter where you roam.

  I put it in my pocket and off I went. I don’t know the name of the towns I passed through. I didn’t care what they were called all I wanted to do now was get home I was sorry I had ever left but I would never do it again.

  Grouse Armstrong was asleep under a tractor but he passed no remarks when he seen me crossing the Diamond. There wasn’t many about they were all in having their tea. I could see the grey glow of the tellies in the living rooms. Outside the shop the Esso sign ee-aw whingeing away as usual. There was no sign of the drunk lad in the doorway of the Tower. He was probably inside asking people if they knew him. I kept feeling inside my pocket to check if the present was still there. I don’t know how I thought I was going to lose it it was hardly going to jump out of my pocket but that’s what I did anyway, kept checking it. I could feel the grooves of the letters with my fingers. I was so busy thinking about that that when I turned the hotel corner at first I didn’t even realize it was Mrs Nugent standing there in front of me. I had bumped into her she nearly dropped her handbag but she didn’t mind, she paid no attention to it at all. O Francis, she says, and what does she do only put her hand on my arm I didn’t know what she was playing at. Then O Francis she says again isn’t it a pity you missed the funeral and makes the sign of the cross. Funeral I says what funeral and looked around to see was there anyone else with her some trick she was playing but there was nothing only the empty street and Grouse limping past the railway gates. I was going to say what do you want Nugent what are you putting your hand on my arm for but I couldn’t get a word in she was talking away nineteen to the dozen your mother this your mother that. She wouldn’t shut up about ma. What would you kno
w about ma I was going to say only what you did on her talking behind her back you shut your mouth Nugent. But I didn’t get the chance she was talking so much if you didn’t know you’d think I was her lifelong friend. Then what does she do only lean right into me she was so close I could see the wiry hairs on her chin and the pink make-up and powder on her cheeks. The smell of it turned my stomach. I could barely hear what she said she dropped her voice so low. She was staring at me to see what I would do. I did nothing. I tried not to look at the stringy mouth or smell the powder. I said to myself: Do nothing Francie. I felt the present inside my pocket and said: It’s OK. Everything’s OK now.

  I stuck the corner of the wood into the palm of my hand. She smiled again and said goodbye then crossed the road with her shopping bag bundled under her arm. She stopped outside the grocery shop and stood there looking back at me. The back door was open and the sink was full of pilchard tins. Da ate pilchards when he went on a skite. The flies were buzzing round them. There was curdled milk and books thrown round all over the place and stuff pulled out of the cupboards the dogs must have been in. I don’t know how long da was standing there staring at me. There were red circles round his eyes and I could smell him. You, was all he said. I didn’t know what he meant. But he told me. He meant you did it, what happened to ma. I says what are you talking about what happened to ma.

  O you didn’t hear? he says with a bitter smile. Then he told me they had dredged the lake near the garage and found her at the bottom of it, and says I’m off up to the Tower I might be back and I might not.

  I don’t know what time it was when I went round to Nugent’s backyard. There wasn’t a sound across the town. There was a small lamp on inside and you could see into the kitchen. It was warm and glowing. There was a table with books and a pair of spectacles on it. The table was set for breakfast in the morning. They had a butter dish with a special knife, a bluestriped jug with matching cups, all these things they had. It was as if just by being the Nugents it all came together as if by magic not a thing out of place. I shinned up the drainpipe. There was a nightlight on in there the room was full of shadows. I think Mr Nugent must have been away. Sometimes he went away on business. Philip was sleeping in his mother’s bed. His head was tilted back on the pillow with his mouth open. She was sleeping soundly her chest rising and falling as if to say there’s no trouble at all in my dreams I have my son beside me and my dear husband will be home tomorrow. Philip’s mouth was a small whistling o. If there was a word bubble coming out of his mouth I knew what would be written in it. I love my mother more than anything in the world and I’d never do anything in the world to hurt her. I love my parents and I love my happy home. I could read the comic on the table beside his bed. It said: Adam Eterno Time Lord.