by Hannah Jay
The Expense is Controlled – A mistress negotiates a monthly allowance. They are certainly delighted to get tips and presents are always acceptable; but at the end of the day, there is a limit as to what a man will pay to play. A mistress has a fixed allowance as well as the little gifts, clothes and cash gifts which her patron gives her. A limited expenditure.
Now, from the wife’s perspective, this expense may seem too extravagant and it may indeed impact the family budget. However, unlike the costs of a girlfriend which are effectively limitless, mistress’s allowances are predetermined. Better still, because a mistress is a luxury purchase, if times are tight a husband can forego his adventures in infidelity without significant consequence. A mistress understands that part of her arrangement is that it can end abruptly.
Limited Drama – The last thing a wife wants is some strange woman calling at midnight and screaming down the phone that her husband…well, anything really. A wife simply does not want any such calls, emails, or encounters/harassments of any kind. She especially does not with the girl from Cubicle #4 arriving on the doorstep with a love-child or a Writ claiming palimony.
Part of the commercial nature of the transaction with a mistress is that it is finite. A mistress is paid for her time and when that time is up, the relationship is over. Discretion is part of the package.
A Mistress Will Not Fall in Love With Your Husband – Your husband might fall in love with his mistress, but that is usually the last thing the mistress wants. If the mistress is truly a professional, she approaches her patrons with a good deal of detachment and keeps her business and personal life in separate spheres. Of course some patrons are much more fun to see and mistresses will have favorites; but emotional entanglement is not on the agenda.
Where a man might well lead a girlfriend on with promises of undying love and such like, that will just seem silly when said to a mistress. And most mistresses take it as a matter of professional pride never to become emotionally involved with their clients.
A Mistress Listens – This may sound threatening to a wife. After all, she listens. But there is a huge difference between what a man is comfortable talking to an mistress about, and what he discusses with his wife. It is, in an odd sort of way, therapy with a happy ending.
For many men, having the outlet a mistress offers a place where they feel they can talk about the real issues they face in their lives. At home they have to keep up a particular “front”. And even the most understanding wife has - and should have - views which do not necessarily always support her husband’s. An mistress is there just to listen, not to judge.
Mistresses Can Restore Men – We live in a society where men are often taken for granted. Even a loving, understanding, supportive wife cannot always be present – as the New Agers would put it – to keep her husband optimistic, cocksure and appreciated. An hour or two with his mistress can work wonders for the ever fragile male ego.
Many men, after the first few minutes with a skillful mistress, forget or compartmentalize the fact she’s being paid. Instead, they see a pretty woman hanging on their every word and making an effort to seduce them. They cannot help but be flattered by their mistress’s attentions and, when the encounter is over, often leave with a bounce in their step.
All of which brings up a radical notion, can a mistress actually enhance a marriage? Obviously this very much depends on the marriage and the scenario in which the mistress is being seen.
The biggest issues with a husband straying are two-fold; first, the infidelity itself can damage or destroy a marriage; secondly, there can be a good deal of dishonesty surrounding the mistress keeping. All manner of subterfuge can be employed to keep the wife “in the dark.” Once broken, the trust bond is the hardest to mend.
The core of these problems is a very North American, deeply puritanical attitude toward the proper workings of marriage itself. For most women, their marriage is over at even a hint of infidelity. Their “self respect” requires the nuclear option pretty much the instant unfaithfulness is detected. Within such marriages therefore, there is a huge incentive for husbands to be deeply deceptive about an extra-marital encounter. (Unless of course he really wishes to extricate himself from the marriage, then infidelity will almost certainly lead to divorce. A cowardly and pathetic strategy that works, but inflicts great harm and hurt.)
In this inflexible marriage stricture, women do not pay much credence to the nature of the extra-marital activity, but that it exists at all is sufficient cause to call in the lawyers and the real estate agents. Sadly, the aftermath for husband and wife, not to mention children, are usually ruinous.
Discovering a husband’s indiscretions is often shattering for a loving and devoted wife. A reaction of restraint - “turning a blind eye” as it were to the occasional sexual shenanigan, is often the wisest approach for a wife not willing to play into the commonplace infidelity hysteria, and in order to preserve both her marriage and her husband’s dignity. As French psychologist Maryse Vaillant put it, “There’s an unspoken agreement: the husband does everything to respect his wife and make sure she doesn’t find out, and she does everything she can not to know anything.”
On the other hand, a husband’s liaison with an alluring woman is much more potentially problematical than an evening with a well paid mistress. One threatens the marriage; the other is merely an extravagance.
Channeling a straying husbands attentions to a mistress avoids the potential disasters of a romantic relationship developing whilst ensuring a wife retains a degree of control over her husband’s philandering. She can, if she has the evidence (read the upper hand), set out her own terms for her husband’s wayward behaviour. Ironically, this may come as a relief to a man who loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her or destroy his marriage over a bit of “playing around.”
An “out of my sight” rule is a good place to start - with the wife simply asserting that she does not want the potential embarrassment or scandal of her husband’s dalliances making any social ripples, and so, he is to keep his mistress discreetly.
Alternatively, a wife might explain to her husband that if he must keep a mistress, she would prefer that he see a decent girl in locations where he is sure to be safe. Most wives will stop short of actually picking the girls, but it is not unheard of.
If it is within ones means, perhaps the best arrangement of all is to have your husband keep a mistress (in the old sense of the word, that is). This is a mutually beneficial, commercial relationship. And in this case, the benefit extends three ways: the mistress entertains the husband and is well compensated; he derives pleasure and the macho thrill of seduction and a vital sense of virility; the wife has a deeply grateful and contented husband, and keeps him; and all parties have the advantage of security and discretion.
With some couples, this works wonderfully well. It is for the sophisticated and the emotionally strong, it must be said. Such a triangular arrangement is embodied in this wonderful anecdote:
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, give the husband a kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.
His shocked wife says, ‘Who was that?’
‘Oh,’ replied the husband, ‘that was my mistress.’
The wife says, ‘That’s it; I want a divorce!’
“I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
‘Who’s that woman with Bob?’ she asks.
‘Oh, that’s his mistress,’ replies her husband.
‘Ours is prettier,’ says his wife.
So, regardless of how a couple arranges their affairs – marriage and otherwise – it is always a personal and private ma
tter to be worked out as they see fit. Life and love are complex, paradoxical, and not for the faint of heart.
Conclusion | The Modern Mistress Decision
Glamour, fun, free time, luxury, designer bags and dreamy dresses: why isn’t every young girl a mistress at some point in her life?
The simple answer is that the idea never occurs to most women. Whether they have absorbed the ideology of “Pantsuit Nation” or have been convinced that “Nice Girls Don’t” or can’t imagine sleeping with a man old enough to be their father for all the money in the world, the very idea of being a mistress of any sort is not something they are even aware of.
But you, clever thing that you are, have read this book. And you didn’t read it by accident. Somewhere in the back of your mind you have at least wondered if the multiple pleasures of mistresshood are for you.
Obviously only you can make the decision whether or not you want to become a modern mistress but here are a few tips for making that decision.
Strategic Planning Tips
WRITE IT DOWN: Get a pen and paper and start making notes.
SET GOALS: Either one big goal or a number of small ones. Write them down.
SET DEADLINES: Draw a timeline – put your goals at one end and think about what you need to do to achieve them and how long each step will take.
BUDGET: Think about everything from advertising to lingerie – what will each of the items actually cost? Assess hard costs and look for ways to reduce them.
BUDGET FOR A PROFIT: Put together a revenue estimate. To be a mistress is to be in business and business is about profit. Being a mistress is not about “just getting by”. It is about making real money over and above what you will need to live.
ONE PATRON OR….Every mistress starts with a single patron. But there is no rule which says a well-organized mistress cannot enjoy the attentions of several gentlemen. The nature of the mistress relationship means that it will be rare to see a patron more than once or twice a week. Which leaves plenty of time to see another.
OVERCOME OBSTACLES: Identify the problems (current and future) – reaching your goals will mean overcoming roadblocks and the best way to do that is to have spotted them well in advance
BRAINSTORM: List alternatives – begin with “doing nothing” because that is always an option, but then carry on thinking big.
If at all possible, sit down with someone you trust and respect and discuss your plan. This can be a friend or it can be a professional.
BE FLEXIBLE: Be ready to adjust your plan to reality.
Long Term Strategy
Setting a goal six months or a year ahead is a great first step towards strategically planning your business. It lets you think beyond the day-to-day. However, a one-year plan is not the same as a long-term plan, and that long-term plan can be the difference between a successful professional career and just getting by.
Regardless of why a girl becomes a mistress, there will come a day when she wants to exit the profession. Thinking about, and planning for that day, is all part of thinking strategically.
Some goals will be about money, but some of them will be about a life after mistresshood. What would you like to do? Where would you like to live?
Having a long-term financial plan is an important first step. Yes, it is hard to save while leading the mistress lifestyle. Yes, it is unpleasant to pay taxes. But if being a mistress for a year leaves you with $5,000 in a bank account, you are miles ahead of a girl who might make more than you do, but spends all of it. Building a savings program into your plans will mean you will have some freedom when you decide to cease being a mistress or to reduce the time you devote to the profession.
Money is one side of the equation, the other side is who you are and who you would like to become. Economists talk about human capital and that is all the things you do to make yourself more educated and employable. It is also the development of a career or a business outside the mistress world.
Part of any long term strategic plan needs to be the development of a “story” which will explain to a potential employer what you have been doing during your mistressing years. A big blank spot on a resume can cost you a job. So part of the long-term planning process needs to be filling in that blank.
Even a busy mistress can make time to take courses, work a part-time job, intern or start a at home business.
Long-term planning – thinking five to ten years down the road – takes many of the same tools as a short-term strategic plan. The essential difference is that a long-term plan will take into account the changes a girl hopes to make with her shorter term planning. In effect, a three year exit strategy is the sum of the yearly strategic plans.
Taking Time
Planning takes thought. It takes having some facts at your fingertips and the time to consider the paths that various decisions will lead to. Making a strategic plan at either the one year or the longer term level, means taking some time.
Sitting in your favorite café with your phone turned off and your notebook in front of you is the moment where you can take the time to think strategically. Ask the big questions: What do I want in my life? How does being a mistress bring me what I want?
These are not questions which you can answer in ten minutes; but they can be contemplated as you walk to the café, as you sit enjoying your latte and as you open your note book and write, “My Goals”. With a destination in mind, the journey begins with a single step.
The Thoroughly Modern Mistress
Fifty years ago to even think about becoming a mistress was not something an intelligent, well-educated, women would contemplate. Even then it was a very old fashioned concept and while there were certainly girls in that position they usually did not arrive there intentionally.
The world has changed. At least a little. Now a woman with a good job and great prospects might well decide to become a mistress simply for the luxury and security a wealthy man can provide. Or a girl wanting to launch a career can see how the cash flow and connections a wealthy patron can bring can speed her along her way.
There is no single path, no “ah ha” moment; rather each woman as she makes her life may, at some point, decide to begin a relationship with a man where money rather than love is the driving force. Of course, most modern mistress relationships are not just about the money: friendship, affection and what can be years of intimate sharing are all part of the package. Which is, of course, what distinguishes the modern mistress from even the highest end escort. A mistress is not ever just about the sex.
Can you become a thoroughly modern mistress?
Yes. Eyes wide open, no illusions but also an absence of cynicism. You are making your own decision for your own very good reasons. If you decide that you would like to see what the mistress world has to offer make sure you arrive with a plan. Be patient. There is no rush.
The fact is that just as there are only a few modern mistresses there are just enough modern patrons who will value and respect the gifts a mistress will bring. One gentleman patron is all you need.
Right now he is out there looking for you.
Other Books by Hannah Jay which you might enjoy!
Avails: Escorting for the Elegant Woman
The book about escorting, sugar babies, mistresses and more for the elegant woman and the lovely young lady who wishes to enter or excel at the world's oldest profession.
5 star Amazon Reviews!
524 pages covering everything an escort or clever girl around town needs to know about style, fashion, technique, money and marketing.
Order here http://amzn.to/29a8IVb
Questions for Miss Jay
What do Escorts know that you don't? Miss Jay answers questions from escorts from a very ladylike, positive, perspective.
From lingerie to threesomes, a light hearted look at being all the woman you can be...and getting paid for it. Domination? Shoe fetish? A lovely dinner?
5 star Amazon Reviews!
A short guide to everything escort…wha
t about stockings? My date wants to take movies with his cell phone? You asked, Miss Jay answered.
Order here http://amzn.to/29FNZua
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