by Randa Lynn
I close my eyes, trying to play all the different scenarios in my head. Where should I go? What should I do? How did I get here? I wish I could start the past few years over; have a clean slate. Unfortunately, life isn’t an etch-a-sketch. I can’t just shake it and make the “uh-oh’s” and “oh-no’s” disappear. No, life is a one way street, there’s only forward. The only thing we can do with our past is try to move on and learn from it.
I’ve learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned exactly what I don’t want in a life partner. I’ve learned my worth. I wish it wouldn’t have taken this long to learn it, but it did.
I spent too long blaming myself. Even after I left Ryan, I still blamed myself to an extent. One day I just decided I had enough. I had enough of my tainted past haunting my present and future. I wouldn’t, no, I couldn’t allow the four years I lived in that hell to cause me to be miserable any longer. It was eating away at my soul.
That’s how I ended up here. I needed to get away from the suffocation of Atlanta. I needed a place I could breathe and figure things out in my head.
I decide it’s time I go outside and breathe some fresh air. I slip out of the bedroom, trying not to wake Amber, and make my way out to the patio after grabbing a bottle of water.
I sit down on the back patio furniture, kicking my feet up on the ottoman. I just sit, enjoying the silence that the country brings.
My phone buzzes, startling me. I grab it out of the pocket of my house coat. It’s my mother.
“Hello?”
“Good morning, my Lenni Girl. I was hoping you’d be up.” The sound of my mom’s voice soothes me, calms the storms in my mind.
“I couldn’t sleep late, so I’m on the back patio enjoying the peace and quiet,” I admit.
“Well, I’m sorry to disturb you.”
“No! No, it’s okay. What’s up? Daddy missing me yet?” I ask.
She laughs, “You know he does. He’s at an early morning business meeting.”
I look at the time. It’s barely past six in the morning. “Wow, super early meeting. That’s unusual. He’s usually golfing about this time.”
“Duty calls, my dear. Ryan needed to give him some things. You know, business.”
I laugh lightly to hide the pang of discomfort I feel. I know they still have business together, but I never hear about it. They usually keep me in the dark when it comes to that, out of respect. It’s not like I should expect them to hate him. They don’t know the true reason behind our split, because I’m too afraid of their reaction. It would kill me to see the hurt in their eyes.
“I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have mentioned his name.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” I assure her. “I just wasn’t expecting to hear his name. Don’t apologize, though. It’s not like his and Daddy’s business relationship ended when our engagement did. I’m okay, I promise.”
I take a deep breath, calming my emotions. I am okay. I am. I really am. Maybe if I say it enough times, I’ll talk my heart into agreeing.
“Okay, sweetie. Well, I’m not going to keep you. I just wanted to call and say hello. Have a great time. Tell Amber I said behave.”
“Yes ma’am,” I laugh. “Love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too.”
I hang up the phone and just sit and ponder everything. Thinking about my life, where it’s been and where I want it to go. I have no clue what direction I should even be pointing. I guess I’ve got almost two more weeks to figure it out while I’m here.
The patio door opens and shuts. I turn my head to see Amber walking out, rubbing her eyes. She walks over and plops down beside me.
“It’s too damn early in the morning for this, Len. Mornings suck,” she whines as she brings her legs up to her chest, scooting closer to me.
“Sometimes I wonder if you’re six or twenty-six,” I joke, nudging her in the side.
She scoffs, “I am a grown woman who is an amazing attribute to society and all who are blessed with my presence.”
“Attribute? Did they teach you that big word in fashion school?”
She rolls her eyes. “You’re such a bitch, Len.”
When we graduated high school Amber went off to California while I went to college at Georgia Tech before completing my law degree.
I grew up the rich girl and secretly, I always hated it. I went to my private school with all my private school ‘friends’ in our rich neighborhood. Aside from Amber, everyone was just friends with each other to make face, trying to ‘fit the mold’. Growing up I was, and still am, expected to have a certain direction in my life. I’ve always obliged. I got my law degree and now work at my dad’s law firm in Atlanta. He plans for me to eventually take over the firm.
Daddy always told me, “You’re my only child, Lenni. This is our family legacy. You need to do this. The Blackmon name is at stake.” I always felt obligated to do what he wanted me to do. I didn’t want to let him down. I love being a lawyer, I just don’t think I can be the lawyer everyone is expecting me to be.
“Guys, they can’t seem to get enough of me,” Amber says, tapping away on her phone.
“Oh, Lord. Who is it this week? Steven? No, Juan from Puerto Rico?” I ask.
“For your information, it’s Phillip, from the hospital.” She pokes her nose in the air like she’s just won the war.
“Whatever.” I laugh.
I throw my head back and look up that the clear sky. “It’s so beautiful here,” I whisper to myself.
Amber laughs. “Yeah it is. But thank God we’re only here for a little while. I’d go crazy not having everything within a ten minute drive from me.”
Not me, I love it here. I’d give anything to have been raised here instead of Atlanta where I was always expected to be perfect.
“Lenni Girl, it’s time we get cleaned up for brunch with the Waltmans and the Halls. Put on your dress I laid out for you, would you dear?” Mama called out from the bottom of the stairwell.
“Yes ma’am,” I replied back, plopping on my queen size bed. I looked around at my room. Fancy little floral print is everywhere, trinkets perfectly placed on shelves. Nothing out of place, everything is perfect. “Fit for a princess” my mother always said. I didn’t want to be a princess; I just wanted to be Lenni. Just like I wanted to play outside, but I couldn’t because no one seemed to understand that I was just a kid. Kids like to get dirty and play, but in the Blackmon household, it’s all about “presenting the best possible you to the ones who matter.” At least that’s what Mama always said when I tried to argue getting presentable for such occasions.
On the way to the restaurant I saw a mom with her two kids in the park. They were having fun, running, playing, and laughing. I wanted that to be me. One day, just one, I wanted to be a twelve year old girl. One who could play outside without fear of being “too filthy” when random company came to the house. I didn’t want to have to worry about being the daughter of one of Atlanta’s top lawyers. I just wanted to be Lenni, the girl who loved being a kid, riding her bike, and playing softball in the backyard.
But Mama has always said that Daddy didn’t get to where he was today by not putting his best foot forward. I guess I’ll have to always be on my best behavior. But sometimes, I wish I could be a normal kid. One with no expectations.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very fortunate. I was given everything I ever wanted or needed. But somewhere in the middle of pleasing everyone and faking happiness, I lost the person I wanted to be in life. No amount of money could trump being abundantly happy. You can have all the success in the world, but if you lose yourself in the process you’ve lost more than you’ve ever gained. I learned that the hard way.
“What do you say we go down to the beach and lay out? I need some sun.”
“You mean down there?” Amber asks, pointing to the right of the house where several families are splashing in the water.
“Uh, yeah…?” I say, more of a question than a reply.
&
nbsp; “You want to go lay out there instead of staying here?” She spreads her arms out motioning to the lake house.
“Yep. My trip, my say. Now go get your hot little self in a swim suit and let’s go! Time’s a wastin’!”
We get to the beach area about an hour later and find a nice, sunny spot to lie with no one around. We spread out our towels and rub down with baby oil. I swear it works better than any tanning lotion you can buy.
“I’m going to be washing sand out of my ass for weeks, Lenni. That’s if I’m ever able to get it all out,” Amber whines.
“At least you’ll be dark. Now quit complaining and start tanning.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
We lie there for about thirty minutes, the sun beaming on my oiled up skin, before turning over onto our stomachs. I’ve got my headphones plugged in, listening to Ed Sheeran, drowning out the world and all my problems. And I doze off.
●●●●●
I’m startled awake by a loud shriek. I jerk my headphones off and instinctively search out its origin. I get up and walk around frantically. There’s a dad playing with his three children while the mother fixes a snack, teenagers laughing at a picnic table, and a couple walking hand in hand towards their vehicle. I don’t see anyone in distress, but I have a gut feeling it wasn’t some kid screaming for the hell of it.
I’m just about to give up when I spot a little girl behind an oak tree. I walk closer to her, and hear her cries. It breaks my heart. Her princess shirt and pink shorts are dirty and her blonde hair is matted to her tear soaked cheeks. “Sweetie, are you okay?” I ask.
Choking on her sobs, she answers, “My foot hurts. I want Daddy.”
I look around to see if I spot anyone looking for someone, but I find nothing.
I crouch down beside her. “Okay. We’ll find your daddy. I promise.”
“Okay,” she whimpers.
“What’s his name? And your mommy’s name, too. I’ll call for both of them while we look. ”
“W-Wes,” she stutters. “But I don’t have a mommy.”
My heart constricts, ceasing all function. What child doesn’t have a mother? Did she pass away? Is this new to her? A million questions run through my mind. A million needles stab at my heart at the thought. I couldn’t imagine growing up without my mother. My comforter, my strength, my soft place to land when I needed her.
I look down at her. She looks at me with bright blue eyes brimmed with tears. I take a deep breath, simmering the sadness I have for this sweet little girl. “Okay. And what’s your name?”
“Ellison. But Daddy calls me Elli.”
“Ellison,” I repeat. “I like that name. Can I pick you up, Ellison? I don’t want you to walk on your bad foot.”
She nods her head, and I gently scoop her up, and pick off the leaves that have clung to her clothes. Her arms wrap around my neck, her head nestles on my shoulder as we start our search. My heart slows from shock. Something sparks inside of me, but I can’t pin-point it.
I shake it off. I need to concentrate on finding Ellison’s daddy.
I walk back towards the beach, looking around when I hear someone frantically yell, “Scooter! Where are you?”
“Daddy!” Ellison yells. I spin on my heels and come face to face with a man about twenty feet away. Our eyes lock. Mine go wide; his do too. He suddenly takes off as fast as he can towards us, and before I can even blink or catch my breath, he’s standing directly in front of me. He quickly grabs Ellison from my arms and cradles her in his. She looks so tiny in his muscular arms. So tiny, yet so…loved.
“What happened?” he asks.
My eyes snap back up to meet his. His eyebrows furrow as he stares at me. His worry is still written all over his face. I stagger back a few steps, his gaze becoming too much. “I was just, I heard a little girl scream while I was tanning. I got up and tried to see where it came from because it worried me,” I answer nervously, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
“She helped me, Daddy,” Ellison says, looking up into her father’s eyes. His worried expression morphs into nothing but love as he stares down at his daughter. Like nothing else in the world matters because he has her.
I feel my insides jump while staring at them, watching their interaction. It’s so pure, so easy, and so full of love. “I’m going to leave you be.” I turn to walk away when a hand lands on my shoulder. A chill covers my body despite the unusually warm April weather.
“Wait.” I turn back around facing him. “ Thank you,” he says, holding out his hand. “Thanks for helping Elli. I’m Wes.”
I place my hand in his, electricity shoots from my hand straight through my body. “It’s really no problem. Glad I could help. I’m Lenni.”
He tilts his head to the side and cocks an eyebrow. “Lenni?” he asks, bewildered.
“Yes..?” I reply questionably.
He situates Ellison in his arms, where one arm is free. He runs his hand over his brows. “Were you one of the two girls in the car the other night that ran out of gas? White BMW?”
My jaw drops. This was the guy that saved us from being stranded in the storm all night? Holy Lord.
I shrug my shoulders. “Guilty.”
He smirks. “Hmm. Interesting.”
His eyes roam up and down my body, making me acutely aware that I am wearing a very revealing bikini. I cross my arms over my midsection to try to hide what skin I can. Seeing him stare at me so very void of clothes has my self-consciousness running wild. I want to run and put on my cover-up, hiding the faint stretch marks that mar my skin from puberty. But I can’t run off without looking like a crazy person, so I swallow my self-doubt and push it aside.
I take a moment to look at him. Actually look at him. He stands no less than six foot two, towering over my five foot six frame. His cut off shirt shows his sculpted arms. His left arm is adorned with intricate black and flesh colored tattoos while the other is clean of ink. It’s like daylight and dark. One side is marred, forever inked with a story, a past. The other is a clean slate, a story yet to be told.
“Sorry about that,” I say, my eyes traveling up to his face. His smirk turns into a perfectly dimpled smile, leaving me weak in the knees. His face is covered in short scruff, just short enough it doesn’t hide the sharp lines of his jaw. He reaches up and flips his baseball cap backwards. When he does, the sun hits his eyes. Golden specks of brown shine straight into me, leaving me breathless.
“No need to apologize. I don’t mind it.” He winks. He freaking winks at me, making me lose all rational thought. Sweet Jesus.
“Well, I-I’d better get back over there to Amber.” I fumble on my words.
I turn around to see Amber. She’s perched up, her hands underneath her chin watching this entire thing unfold. I roll my eyes at her as she cheeses super big before I turn back around to Wes.
“Thank you,” I hear Ellison whisper, her head still lying on her father’s shoulder. She picks it up just a tad, turning to look at me. “You’re nice to me.”
I just smile. She’s so sweet and innocent. “Well, if anyone isn’t nice to a beautiful little girl like you, I’d say they were just mean people. Wouldn’t you?”
Her eyes light up despite the tears that still fill them. She giggles, “Uh, huh.”
“I hope your foot feels better.”
Wes picks her leg up to inspect her foot and then looks at her. “I think Daddy will take you home and doctor it up.” She smiles at him.
“It was good meeting y’all,” I say.
“Yeah, it was real good meeting you, too,” Wes replies as Ellison says, “Bye!”
I turn around and trudge through sand until I get back to Amber.
“Thanks for the save, friend,” I snarl.
“Oh, come on Lenni. You looked like you had everything covered. The way he was eye fucking you… Christ, that’s a hot hunk of man. I’d screw him eleven ways to Sunday.” Oh Amber and her vague, modest responses.
“Whatever,” I rep
ly, laying back down on my towel.
There’s no way he’d ever be interested in me. No way.
“No one besides me will ever want you, Lenora. I’m the only man who could ever want you…”
Chapter 3
WES
“Daddy, why can’t we go in yet?” Elli whines, kicking her feet into the back of my seat.
I turn to look at her. “Because, we’re waiting on your Aunt Zoe.”
She huffs, crossing her arms across her chest. “But I’m hungry.”
We’ve been sitting outside Deena’s Diner for ten minutes waiting on Zoe. The place is unusually packed for a Friday evening, with its hunter green metal roof, weathered wood siding, and a hand painted welcome sign bolted to the side.
I zone out, fixated on watching the open sign flicker on and off, when I hear my phone ping. I grab it out of the cup holder and slide my finger across the screen, unlocking it, seeing a text from Zoe.
Zoe: Running late. Go ahead and go in. Order me a grilled chicken salad & tea.
I shake my head. I should have known she wasn’t going to be here at six like she said she would. It’s like a sickness or something. If you could win an award for being late, Zoe would take top prize. She even works from home because she knows she would get fired from a normal job.
I text Zoe back, agreeing to order her food for her as long as she’d hurry up.
I kill the ignition and hop out of the truck, opening Elli’s door. I reach over to unbuckle her. “Alright, Scooter. Let’s go in. Aunt Zoe is running a little late.”
Her little face falls, her smile replaced with a frown. “But she’s still coming? She promised, Daddy.” She swipes the stray hair off her forehead.