Hard To Stay

by S. Jones

  “Everything with you is too complicated right now. I hate it here. I hate the city noise, the street smells, and the brutal traffic. Most of all I hate feeling there is a part of your heart I will never be able to get to. I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. I want to go back home.”

  “First of all, you are my fucking home.” I was so confused. I didn’t even know where to start. I wanted to shake her, get some kind of reaction out of her. I had so much anger eating away at me that I didn’t know what to do with it.

  “I’ve made up my mind and there’s nothing you can do to change it, I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  Everything inside me rattled. My entire life was falling apart right before my eyes. The idea of her walking out that door gripped me with a fear like I’d never felt before. All I wanted to do was reach out to her and pretend this wasn’t happening.

  “Lexi, I don’t know what happened while I was gone, but we need to slow down and talk this through.”

  She shook her head, keeping her eyes closed. I felt like I was drowning. Like I couldn’t breathe. I spun her around and grabbed onto her shoulders. “You are everything to me. If you walk out that door, you will be taking the other half of my soul with you. Please don’t leave me. You have my heart, Lexi. Only you. If I somehow made you feel differently, I’m sorry. I love you more than anyone or anything, EVER.” My voice vibrated through my small living room.

  Her small shoulders slumped forward. I used my thumb to brush the tears off her face. She instinctively leaned into my touch. I took that opportunity and pressed my lips against hers. I tried to kiss away the salty tears, tried to show her how much I loved her. I poured all my hurt, anger and love into our kiss. I was giving it everything I had. She was my entire world. I couldn’t lose her. She was mine. She would always be mine. I gave my heart away once, only to have it returned. This time around, I wasn’t taking it back. I would convince her to stay, no matter what. We would find a way to get through this.

  “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  When our eyes connected, the conviction I saw shattered whatever hope I had. She stood up and started to walk towards her packed bags. I couldn’t breathe and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop her. I stood and stumbled backwards; it was like déjà vu all over again. Pain slammed into me almost knocking me on my ass. I did not see this coming. Not from her. At least with Emily, as much as the truth hurt, I knew why. I had an explanation. With Lexi, none of this made sense. We wanted the same things. We felt the same things. We were happy; we’d talked on the phone countless times while I was away. Not once did she let on that she wasn’t happy. She had plenty of opportunities to tell me how she felt; she’d led me to believe that everything was fine. How did everything unravel so quickly?

  I scrubbed my hands down my face, barely able to take a breath. “I don’t know what happened while I was gone, but something isn’t right. You know how I feel about you. You know Emily is in my past. You knew I was a cop the second you met me.” Anger shot through me causing a hot fury to take control of my body. “How the fuck could you do this to me?” She gasped, throwing her hand over her mouth while I continued. “You fucking lied to me. You don’t love me because if you did you wouldn’t be doing this to me.”

  “It’s not you. Can’t you see that? It’s me. I’m the one with the issue. Not you.”

  A bitter laugh escaped me. “Well, at least we agree on something.”

  Lexi stood there, eyes wide, tears overflowing. Her hiccupped sobs ripped me to shreds. I wanted so badly to pull her into my arms and never let her go, but she didn’t want me. And that hurt like a bitch.

  “You know, I won’t be able to protect you in Georgia.” I said, desperately grabbing at straws.

  “I’ll be fine. Besides, I’m not your responsibility anymore.”

  My head slanted to the side, and I narrowed my eyes. “What about Colton?”

  Something wasn’t adding up. No, fuck that, none of this shit added up, and it had his name written all over it. I wasn’t stupid, and my profession granted my ability to smell bullshit from a mile away. And this fucking stunk. I felt like I was downwind from a dairy farm.

  Her face twisted with something unrecognizable, but in my heart, I knew. I just knew.

  She ran her hands nervously down the front of her black skinny jeans. “I had a long talk with my father and he assured me that Colton won’t be an issue.”

  “Hold up.” I threw my hand out, needing a second to wrap my head around this. My eyes scanned her face; there was something different about her. Almost clinical. She seemed too determined and unwavering with her decision to end things between us.

  “You told me that your parents didn’t believe you. That was the whole reason why you ran away in the first place.”

  She twisted her hands in front of her, spinning her silver pinky ring around on her finger. I focused on that movement. It told me that she was nervous, it was the first sign of doubt I’d seen from her since I’d walked through the damn door.

  “I told my dad everything. The controlling behaviors, the threats, the abuse. He felt guilty and wants the chance to make it up to me. He said he would do everything in his power to protect me and I believe him.”

  I crossed my arms. “And how exactly is he going to be able to assure that?” I wasn’t buying it. That nagging feeling of doubt edged its way into my brain. There was no way I could ignore it.

  She looked down to the floor, then lifted her gaze to mine. “He spoke to Colton’s father. The last thing Mr. Hunt wants is a scandal, especially with the upcoming election. He promised to cut Colton off from his trust fund if he even so much as breathed near me. You don’t need to worry. My nightmare with Colton is over.”

  And, apparently so, was our fucking relationship.

  “You could have had this conversation with your father months ago. You said he didn’t believe you. Why now?”

  “I guess it took my leaving for him to finally see how serious things were. He had no idea how bad it was, but he knows now.” She looked down and shifted on her feet. “I’m so sorry that I had to hurt you.” She lifted her blue eyes to mine. “I really do love you.”

  “Just not enough to stay.” I spat out. I was furious and so conflicted. Because as mad as I was, all I wanted to do was pull her into my arms and convince her not to leave. I felt my eyes burn as she walked towards the door. I frantically looked around the room. This felt too permanent. It didn’t feel right. She loved me, I knew she loved me.

  “Lexi, wait.” I reached out and grabbed onto her hand in an attempt to stop her from leaving. “I can’t let you go. I don’t know what’s going on, but all I know is that I can’t let you walk out that door.”

  “Brad, you have to let me go. I can’t stay here with you. It’s too much for me. Can’t you see that?” She sighed and looked away. “We moved too quickly, too fast. I need to go home.”

  “You’re not leaving this apartment.”

  “What are you going to do? Keep me locked up?”

  I brought my hand up to her hair and watched her blue eyes shimmer with tears. “If that’s what it takes to keep you safe, then yes.” In my head I knew I couldn’t force her to stay if she didn’t want to, but I was desperate.

  She pulled out of my grasp. “Brad, I love you. I really do, but I just don’t feel like I belong here. I’m sorry.” She leaned up and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I don’t regret a second of our time together. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve someday.”

  I watched the woman I loved walk out of my life without a backwards glance. The man in me knew I had to let her go, but the detective in me felt like something just wasn’t right.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Lexi

  I ran over to the toilet holding my hair back as I emptied out the contents of my stomach. Nothing could have prepared me for the way I felt. I had just lost my entire world in a m
atter of minutes.

  My heart constricted in my chest as my body slid down onto the floor. I closed my eyes and leaned back up against the cold grey wall in my tiny bathroom.

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, but time didn’t matter anymore. Nothing did. I cried until I was out of tears. My wall was firmly back in place. It was all about survival now.

  When I left my apartment, I didn’t look back. I kept my chin up and put one foot in front of the other. I would keep my memories of Brad locked away in a safe place. Like a special vault where you kept your most precious things hidden. A place that no one else knew existed but me. I would never forget him, nor ever stop loving him.

  My entire body was stiff and cold during the entire flight to Atlanta. The man sitting next to me offered me no comfort. Normally the slightest bit of turbulence would cause me to panic, but I didn’t feel a thing. My eyes stayed shut through the entire flight, I was completely shut down.

  I heard the ding of the cabin bell and the flight attendant announced that we had arrived at our gate, causing everyone on the plane to jump out of their seats and grab their carry-on items. Colton gently nudged my arm.

  “We’re home. I have a car waiting for us out front.” He said, trying to help me up from my seat.

  I jerked away from him as if his touch burned my skin. “Don’t touch me.”

  He shook his head; his face was filled with annoyance. “Is that how this is going to be?”

  My eyes narrowed, making their point. “I agreed to come back to Georgia, not to you.” I wanted him to understand that things were not going back to how they were before. He needed to give me time.

  Colton rolled his eyes, pulling on the sleeves of his custom-made dress shirt. “I agreed to let you transition back into your old life. But as you know, I’m not a very patient man, Alexis. I expect you to resume your life with me sooner rather than later. Fucking up Mr. Morgan’s life is still only a phone call away.” He unbuckled his seat belt and reached to grab our two black bags. He signaled with his eyebrows to get moving. Reluctantly, I left my seat and followed him up the jetway.

  Once we pulled up to my parent’s house, Colton threw the shifter in park and turned in his seat to face me. “This is how it’s going to go down. You’re going to walk in there and act happy to be home. You are going to forget all about your little fling with Mr. Morgan and you’re going to act like your old self again. Your parents would be heartbroken if they suspected that you really didn’t want to be here. They have been worried sick about you since you left. I promised them I would bring you home and I want them to see that I’m a man of my word, a man who deserves the honor of marrying their daughter.”

  I crossed my arms across my chest. “Anything else?” I was on autopilot. If he wanted me to play a part in this little charade of his I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. I was just thankful that he wasn’t forcing me to move back in with him just yet. He was giving me time to ‘adjust’. What a gentleman, huh? The thought of moving into his townhouse and being forced to share a bed with him made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t even allow my brain to go there just yet. It was too much.

  Colton ran his hand through his perfectly styled wavy hair and then reached for my hand. “I know you think I’m being cruel, but I’m only doing this because I believe in us. I still believe that deep down, you still love me. I’m fighting for us, Alexis. Someday you will thank me.” I wanted to laugh. He really was delusional. I didn’t love him anymore and I sure as hell would never thank him for destroying my life.

  As soon as we walked into the foyer of my childhood home, my mother threw her hands over her mouth in surprise. “Alexis, you came back.” She looked relieved as I walked lifelessly into her waiting arms. “Thank God.” She petted the back of my hair. I swear this was the most affection I’d received from her in years. Maybe ever.

  “I knew you would be back.” I spun around when I heard my father’s voice. Unlike the greeting with my mother, it only took one nervous glance at my father to have my vision go blurry. I stared into his eyes through the rim of his glasses, and willed the burning in my lungs to go away. I wasn’t prepared for the level of relief that I saw staring back at me. I knew my parents loved me like they were supposed to love their children, but they didn’t love me enough to help me when I needed it most. They saw Colton as the son they never had and they were so blinded by the fake image he portrayed that they wouldn’t even consider the possibility that he was a monster. “We’ve missed you so much, baby girl. It’s so good to have you back home.” He said. leaning in and kissing my forehead.

  I glanced at Colton whose arm was comfortably wrapped around my mom’s shoulders. She was beaming at him like he had just returned from a mission in Africa and had saved hundreds of lives. This was the Colton that everyone saw. His plastic grin ran from ear to ear lapping up the gratitude he received for bringing them back their daughter. Things were going exactly as he planned, and when that happened, Colton was a happy man.

  Chapter Thirty

  Brad

  I slammed my palm flat on the wood countertop, ignoring the pain it sent straight up my arm. I glanced in the mirror behind the bar, not liking what I saw. My frustration was getting the better of me, and so was my drinking and self-pity. I felt robbed, like she had stolen my heart from out of my chest. In a way, she had.

  I constantly wrestled with the thoughts in my mind, trying to understand how we got here. I swore I would never let myself get crushed again, but that’s exactly what had happened.

  I played with the business card in my hand. I kept flipping it over and debated if I had the balls to go through with it. The blue and black card with the M&H Securities logo stared back at me.

  Everything in my life seemed pointless now. Work brought me no joy, and neither did living. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t. She didn’t deserve it, but I still loved her just the same.

  I looked across the room trying to get my thoughts in order. This was a huge step. The bar was filling up with the after work crowd while I sat and stared into my drink. Everyone was talking about the good times in their lives, except for the couple that was making out by the frosted window. My stomach started to knot up. Would I always feel that sharp pain on the left side of my chest every time I saw a woman with blonde hair?

  “You look like shit.” Said a familiar voice behind me. I slanted my head to the side to see Jack Jenson. He sauntered his way over and clasped me on the shoulder.

  “How’s it going, Jack?”

  He motioned for the bartender. “I’ll have whatever he’s having.” He reached into his wallet and pulled out his credit card as the server went to work with filling up our glasses. Once he was finished, he slid our drinks across the countertop, and picked up Jack’s American Express card. I peeled my eyes away as he typed our order into the register.

  Jack rested his arms on the bar. “I’m with a few people from work. I saw you sitting over here looking like someone ran over your puppy. Everything good?”

  I spun my tumbler around on the wood countertop. My life was a fucking joke. My girlfriend left me and my job no longer fulfilled me. “Everything is just fucking peachy, Jack. Thanks for asking.”

  He arched his eyebrow. “Does this have anything to do with the hottie that I saw you with at Pulse a couple of weeks ago?” He took a sip of drink and set it down. “By the way that was one hell of a show you put on.” He smirked.

  “Doesn’t every man’s troubles always have to do with a woman?” I quipped, ignoring his mention of the night that sent my whole world into a tailspin.

  He shot me a knowing look. “You got that right, brother. This relationship shit is a lot more work than I thought. Now I know why I stayed single for so long.”

  I swung my head to his. “No fucking way. You got yourself a girl?” I asked not believing my ears. Jack never dated. EVER. He was a one and done type guy.

  He laughed. “A gentleman never kisses and tells.” He winked.

/>   “Gentleman, my ass. Who is this woman? I want to send her a sympathy card.”

  He picked his drink up and slapped me on the shoulder with a little more force than necessary. “No one you know, pal. She’s not even from around here. She lives in the Carolinas.”

  I shook my head. “Only you would finally find yourself a woman who doesn’t even live in the same area code as you.”

  “What can I say? I’m picky.” I lifted my brows in surprise. Picky was a bit of an understatement. “I hope everything works out for you. Hit me up sometime.” He said, walking away with a big ass grin on his face.

  I stood to stretch my legs and stuffed the business card in my wallet. It was time to get this done and over with. New York would always be here but I was thinking a change in scenery would do me good.

  Thirty minutes later I was sitting on my couch and staring at my phone. It was getting late, and I’d gone back and forth with the idea long enough. My father’s best friend picked up on the first ring. “Will Hennessey.”

  “Will, it’s Brad Morgan.” I leaned forward and rested my arms on my knees.

  “Well, this is a pleasant surprise. How the hell are you?”

  “I’m doing alright. I’m sorry to bother you so late but...”

  He cut me off before I could finish my sentence. “Not a bother. You can call me anytime, Brad.”

  I shook my head, remembering all the fond memories I had growing up. Will Hennessey and my father served together in the Marines. Once they retired, they opened up a private security business in D.C. with my father’s inheritance. They specialized with providing security detail to government officials and foreign ambassadors.

  When my dad passed away, he left his share of the business to me. The thought of relocating never appealed to me until now. But, between my job and my break-up with Lexi, I found myself re-evaluating my life choices. It was time to make some changes.