by L. A. Witt
I pulled out, and my voice was shaky as hell when I said, “On your back.”
He wasn’t so steady either, but managed to turn onto his back. I leaned down for a brief kiss, and temptation almost got the best of me—I wanted to lie there and kiss him until sunrise—but I whispered, “Back in a sec. Don’t move.”
He didn’t move. When I came back from disposing of the condom, he was watching me with heavy-lidded eyes, slowly stroking himself as he waited for me to join him again. My God, that man was sexy. Dark hair sprinkled over smooth planes and lean muscles, and his tattoos seemed to glow against the flush of his sweaty skin.
And that look in his eyes?
Oh yes. Consequences be damned, I want you.
I joined him on the bed and started toward his cock with every intention of sucking him off, but he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. Beckoning to me, he whispered, “C-come here.”
I did as he asked. As I leaned down to kiss him, he slid a hand around the back of my neck. Okay, I could work with this. Not like I was going to object to making out with him, especially when he was aroused to the point of shaking.
So I went for the next best thing and closed my fingers around his cock.
“Oh God,” he breathed, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Like that?”
“What kind of question is that?”
One he wasn’t going to answer, apparently—he kissed me and didn’t let up. I stroked him, and my pulse pounded as he rocked his hips in time with my hand, pushing himself into my grip.
His cock was getting even harder in my hand, and his kiss was getting more frantic. Sharp, hot breaths rushed past my skin. His fingers twitched on the back of my neck. God, this was even better than making him come by fucking him. Feeling him fall to pieces, kissing him while he writhed and shook—it was all insanely hot.
And I resisted you for this long . . . how?
Better make up for lost time.
I tightened my grip and kissed him even harder, and he rewarded me with a full-body tremor and a soft, helpless whimper. Hot semen landed on my hand and forearm, and he thrust into my fist a few times before he broke the kiss and dropped onto the pillows.
“Jesus,” he moaned.
“Nope. Not Jesus.” I leaned down to kiss the side of his neck. “Just me.”
“Just you?” He laughed, sounding kind of drunk. “No such thing, Sean. No such thing.”
I lifted my head. We exchanged blissed-out smiles, and I pressed my lips to his again for another long, languid kiss.
After a while, he murmured, “Another shower?”
“Another shower.”
If the motel room’s shower had been a little bit bigger with a little more water pressure, we probably would’ve spent half the night in there. I loved showering with him, and I’d missed it like crazy.
Unfortunately, the tepid, half-assed spray wasn’t nearly as nice as it could have been, so we got out, dried off, and sank onto the hard bed together.
Paul turned on his side, facing me, and cupped my cheek. “I still can’t believe we’re here.”
“Probably shouldn’t be.” Probably? No, there was no probably about it and no point in convincing myself there was. I lowered my gaze.
“I know we shouldn’t. But . . .” He traced my cheekbone with his thumb. “We are.”
I swallowed. “Yeah.”
He laughed, sounding a little sleepy or maybe a little drunk. “For what it’s worth, you are not easy to forget.”
I chuckled as I shifted onto my side. “Neither are you.” I draped my arm over him. “I think you might’ve spoiled me.”
“Mm-hmm. Ditto.” He ran his fingers through my hair.
I watched my hand run up and down his arm, and my heart sank. The earlier novelty of having the base CO beg me to fuck him was wearing off fast. In its place, guilt crept in. Shit. What was I doing?
It wasn’t out of spite toward my dad or the Navy or anything. When I was with Paul, the Navy was the last thing on my mind.
With Paul, I felt attractive and wanted, not just convenient. In fact, I was the opposite of convenient for Paul now, and he still wanted me. There were plenty of hot, single gay men in Flatstick, and even in Anchor Point, and he wouldn’t have to be nearly as discreet with them as he would with me. He could get busted naked with the entire defensive line of a college football team, and there wouldn’t be nearly as many consequences as if he were caught so much as talking to me.
“Sean?” Twin creases formed between his eyebrows. “You’re quiet.”
“Yeah, I . . .” I traced his cheekbone with the pad of my thumb. “You’re taking a huge chance with me. Why?”
Paul swallowed, avoiding my eyes for a moment. My gut clenched—he was going to see reason and this was over. I just knew it.
But then he clasped my hand, kissed my palm, and met my gaze. “I don’t have an answer. I really don’t. Definitely not one that will suddenly make it all okay.”
“Then why—”
“Because I want you. It’s that simple.” He leaned in and kissed me softly, letting it linger for a few long seconds. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I’m sure this is crazy and stupid, and I know it’s an enormous risk.” Another kiss, longer this time. “But I can’t get you out of my head.”
“Neither can I.”
For a while, neither of us said anything. This was dumb and dangerous—if I lay like this for much longer, I was going to fall asleep—but I couldn’t resist. I’d already accepted that I was addicted to Paul, and knowing this was the last time . . . well, it didn’t make me all that eager to leave.
My eyelids started drooping. My whole body was relaxed and heavy, and every now and then, I’d catch myself sliding into a dream before pulling myself back into reality. Reality, where I was in bed with Paul even though I had absolutely no business here.
Sighing, I rubbed a hand over my face. “I should go.”
“I know.” He traced my cheekbone with his thumb. “I shouldn’t have kept you here this long.”
“You weren’t exactly holding me against my will.”
A small smile played at his lips. “No, but . . .”
Our eyes locked. He didn’t need to say it. We both knew why I was here and why I shouldn’t have been. I had a feeling he wasn’t in a hurry to kick me out, just like I wasn’t exactly rushing for the door. And now that I was looking at him, falling asleep wasn’t as much of a concern.
Heart thumping, I said, “That wasn’t the last of the condoms, was it?”
Paul shook his head. “No.”
“Good.”
Sean and I pulled up the covers and cuddled close beneath them. Aside from our wet hair, we were still hot from the long shower we’d shared, but not hot enough to stay apart. Thank God for that—I loved the way our bodies fit together even when we weren’t having sex. He’d lie on his side and mold himself to me, and I’d drape my arm around his shoulders. Even with his hair wet, I liked his head on my chest.
I’d been single or in long-distance relationships for way too long—I’d missed being with another person like this. Living alone was fine, and anonymous sex was fine, and even being single for long stretches was fine. Lack of human contact? That got old.
We lay like that for a while, soaking up the warmth of being next to each other. Eventually, though, my arm started to fall asleep, so we moved around, settling onto the pillows and facing each other.
“Ugh. Hair’s still wet.” He lifted his head and eyed the pillowcase. “Uh, I have dyed hair, so hopefully I don’t ruin the sheets or anything.”
I shrugged. “It’s a motel. They’ve seen worse. I take it this”—I ran my fingers through his damp black-blue hair—“isn’t a new thing for you?”
“Nope. Been coloring it for years. I change it up every so often, but it’s usually black and . . . something.”
I smiled. “It looks good on you.”
“Thanks.” He combed his hand throug
h my short hair. “Somehow I don’t think you’d get away with the same color.”
“Uh, no.” I sighed dramatically. “I don’t get away with a lot of things in this line of work, believe me.”
He laughed halfheartedly. “I believe you.”
I took a breath to mention that, yeah, he probably understood exactly how strict the military was, but that line of conversation wouldn’t do much for the mood.
You’re being an idiot. You know you’re playing with fire.
I ignored those thoughts and kept my mouth shut.
Sean pushed himself up onto his elbow. “I’m guessing you’ve been in a long time.”
“You could say that.”
“Is this the career you wanted?”
I nodded. “I wanted to command an aircraft carrier, but a base is okay too. Overall, yeah, it’s what I wanted. It’s not an easy life, but it’s been a good one.” I paused. “Mostly.”
“Mostly?”
“Well, you know how it is. The military life isn’t without sacrifices. And I admit, there are times when I wonder if the sacrifices are worth it.”
Silence wedged itself between us, and stayed there for a long time until Sean whispered, “Are they?”
“Are they, what?”
“The sacrifices. Are they worth it?”
I didn’t answer right away. Absently running my hand up and down his arm, I stared at the ceiling for a while. Then, “Ask me again when I retire.”
“When do you plan to retire?”
“Depends on if I have a shot at making admiral.”
“Think you do?”
I shrugged. “It’s hard to say. Not many captains make it, but I’m going to bust my ass until I know if I made the cut.”
“So, how do you make the cut?”
“Well, I need to command a ship before they’ll even consider it, so hopefully that’s where I’ll go after Anchor Point.” I scowled. “I’ve been trying to get them to give me a boat for a while now, but . . .”
“They don’t want you in charge of a ship?”
“Imagine that, right?” I laughed bitterly. “But I’m not giving up until they break down and put me on a ship.” I paused. “Making admiral also means knowing the right people. I’ve got a few friends in high places, but I’ve also pissed off a few people in high places. So we’ll see who retires and who’s left in Congress after the next election.”
“Fingers crossed.” He held up his hand, index finger crossed behind the middle.
“Thanks.” I laughed again, but it didn’t last long. We both sighed and sank back onto the pillows. “We’re idiots, aren’t we?”
“Yep.” He blew out a breath. “But we’re here. Might as well enjoy it until we leave.”
Which we should do. Like now.
Neither of us moved, though.
The room stayed completely quiet until Sean’s stomach grumbled.
“If it’s not obvious,” he said, “I could go for some food.”
“We might have to order something. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out together.”
He scowled, but nodded. “Pizza?”
“Sounds good to me.”
We hunted down a pizza menu, and Sean ordered. While we waited, we put on some pants so we’d be decent when the delivery guy arrived, and lay back on the rumpled bed.
Sean shifted onto his side. “Too bad we can’t go out. There are some great restaurants in this town.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded.
“Well.” I smirked. “They’ll either look at us askance because they think I’m robbing the cradle, or they’ll think you’re my son.”
Sean laughed. “Oh come on. We’re both of age.” A playful grin formed on his lips. “Even if some of us have more years of experience than others with being ‘of age.’”
I rolled my eyes. “As long as you don’t mind the fact that I’ve literally been in the Navy your entire life.”
Sean burst out laughing. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. I’ve been in twenty-four years.”
He whistled. “Wow.”
“Yeah. Wow.” I chuckled. “It sounds even crazier now that we’ve said it out loud.”
“It is, but crazy is fun, so . . .”
“I won’t argue with that.”
Our eyes met, and my heart sped up. This was the point when we should’ve addressed the aircraft carrier in the living room. Now that we had a few orgasms out of our systems, and we’d started talking about things like the Navy and this enormous age gap between us, I didn’t see how we could keep avoiding it.
But he didn’t bring it up. I didn’t bring it up.
We just sank into another long kiss, and as Sean slid a hand over my ass, he murmured, “Pizza should be here in half an hour. Think we have time?”
I rolled him onto his back. “Plenty of time.”
I stared out my office window. It was gray and rainy today because this was the Oregon coast, and the weather underscored my shitty mood.
I’d have felt a lot better if Friday night had been awful. But it hadn’t been. It had been amazing. With Sean involved, it was impossible for an evening to not be amazing.
This morning, however . . .
I rubbed my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. Hooking up with him had been like binge drinking after a long dry spell. Sure, it was fun for a while, but the aftermath was the opposite of fun. And right about now, I’d have been happy to be hungover and heaving my guts out, because the way I really felt was a hell of a lot worse.
Over and over, I heard our parting words on Saturday morning . . .
“We can’t do this again.”
“We shouldn’t have done it this time.”
“I know. But doing it again will just make things worse.”
Then he’d left, and I’d left, and now it was Monday morning and I was at the office with no idea what to do with myself. Good thing none of my superiors were around. I didn’t need distracted idiot—not admiral material showing up when it came time for a possible promotion.
Except I was starting to think maybe that was true. What kind of admiral did stupid shit like going back again and again to the wrong person? For that matter, I wanted to believe that if Sean called or texted, I’d wisely ignore him or tell him no, but that was bullshit. I was hooked on him in ways I’d never been hooked on nicotine or anything else.
Yeah. Admiral was definitely in the cards for me at this rate.
I needed some words of wisdom—more like a verbal kick in the ass—so I picked up the phone and called Travis’s extension.
“Hey,” he said. Our office had caller ID, so he didn’t bother with formality when I called.
“Hey, you got a few minutes to come by my office?”
“I need to dash off an email, but I can be there in ten.”
“Great. Thanks.”
Exactly ten minutes later, Travis stepped into my office. Our eyes met, and he nudged the door shut behind him. Apparently my “help me, I’m losing my shit” face was more conspicuous than I’d hoped.
He eased himself into a chair, wincing slightly. “So what’s up?”
“Well . . .” A mix of guilt and shame wound itself around my stomach. “Remember when I told you I was seeing someone younger than me?”
He nodded. “I thought you’d moved on. You hadn’t mentioned him in a while.”
“I . . .” I let my head fall against the chair back. “I was trying to move on, but man, he is not easy to quit.”
“So what happened?” Travis inclined his head. “Why are you trying to quit him?”
“Because . . . the thing is . . .” I hesitated, glancing at the door, and lowered my voice. “Nothing leaves this office, all right?”
“Of course.” Travis sat up a little, eyes wide. “What’s up?”
“Well, it turns out he’s someone’s dependent.”
Travis blinked. “Oh. Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“Someone in thi
s command, I assume?”
“Yep. So now you can see why I’ve been trying to stay away from him?”
“Oh yeah. Definitely.” His eyebrow arched. “Question is, why would you be talking to me and saying trying unless you’ve been backsliding? You’re playing with fire, dipshit.”
My cheeks burned. “I know. Believe me. The thing is, we’d been seeing each other for a while before we realized his dad works for me. If it had come out right from the start, it wouldn’t have bothered me.”
“But you had a chance to get attached to him.”
“So much.” My chest ached at the thought of how I felt when I was with Sean. And when I was away from him. What had I gotten myself into? “It’s a small town. We quit seeing each other, but then we ran into each other at a club, and it caught us both off guard, and . . .” I made a rolling motion with my hand. “You get the idea.”
“Sounds to me like this is more than hooking up. I mean, even if the physical stuff is great, I know you—you’re not going to be an idiot just because a guy is good at sucking dick.”
“Exactly. But what difference does it make?” I tapped my nail on my armrest. “Regs are regs. I mean, it’s one thing when it’s my career. But this could fuck up his dad’s career too. I can’t . . . I can’t do that.”
Travis scowled. “Jesus. I don’t even know what to suggest.”
“There isn’t anything to suggest.” I rubbed my stiff neck. “The only thing I can do is get over him.” I paused, then exhaled hard. “Which I’ve been trying like hell to do, and it’s not working.”
Releasing a long breath, Travis leaned back in his chair. “Man. That is a mess.”
“You don’t say.” I swallowed. “The truth is, right or wrong, I have never felt like this for someone. But it doesn’t matter because we can’t . . .” I waved my hand.
He said nothing for a moment, then shook his head. “I wish I had some advice, but I’ve got nothing.”
“Aside from ‘stay the fuck away from him’?”
“Well. The Navy says to stay the fuck away from him.” Travis smiled a little, but something in his eyes told me he was completely serious as he said, “I’ll do a lot of things for my friends, but tell them to stay away from someone they love? Forget it.”