by Lynda Stacey
After dinner we were taken to be kitted out with a uniform. Nothing fits us properly. We were given shirts, trousers, underwear, boots, puttees, webbing, mess tin, gas mask and a helmet. It’s all just a little too big, coarse and uncomfortable against my skin and it makes me wish that I could hold your soft body against me, just one more time.
A bird flew past me today, it was so close that I could almost touch it and I watched it till it flew far into the distance and out of sight. All I can say is that I wished that I were that bird. If I were, I’d fly back to you.
I miss you every second of every day. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to once again be in the summer house with you and I promise you now that I’m going to work hard, try and improve my rank in the hope that I can impress your father and he will allow us to marry.
Tomorrow we will be given tests. This will decide which branch of the army we will be most suitable for. I hope to join the Royal Armoured Corps, as I don’t much fancy being in the infantry as many of the men in that branch never return home. Besides, there is much more chance of advancement if I get in the Corps.
I wish for the day when I get to return to you. Even if your father refuses me your hand in marriage, it would be enough just to see you each day.
I promise, my love, that I will do my best to come home to you as soon as I can.
All my love.
Eddie xx
Madeleine watched the reaction on Bandit’s face. He looked distant, thoughtful and emotional, as he stared at the letter as it lay before him.
‘They really did love each other, didn’t they?’ he said as he walked over to the window. It was still before lunch but it had been raining persistently all day and with the onset of winter, a dark greyness was already overtaking the grounds.
Madeleine admired his physique. It wasn’t the first time she’d watched him, wasn’t the first time she’d noticed his toned body, but ever since the kiss in the tunnel, she seemed to notice him more. His hair was all ruffled, in no particular style, yet still it looked perfect, suited him and she couldn’t imagine it any other way. His T-shirt was pulled tight around the top of his muscular arms, which now stretched out before him as he leaned on the windowsill, and his jeans hugged his backside so tight that they emphasised its exact taut shape.
He was so attractive.
He turned to look at her and her eyes held his as she watched him take in a deep breath. A look of indecisiveness flashed across his face and Madeleine could tell that he was deciding what to do and whether he should kiss her or not. Since the day in the tunnel, he’d brought her flowers every day, but hadn’t kissed her or held her at all and she’d felt sure that he’d been as indecisive as her. He walked over to the bed and she felt his hand as it lifted to touch her cheek before resting behind her neck. She held her breath with anticipation and felt him pull her towards him as his lips grazed hers. She responded eagerly, parting her lips to accept the kiss.
Madeleine caught the strong scent of his aftershave – a deep, earthy, manly smell – as his lips left hers momentarily and began to work his way over her neck and shoulder blade. She moaned with desire as a heat seared through her. His lips re-captured hers. He was strong and demanding and his tongue sent shivers racing through her body as he pulled her onto her side and his fingers traced the curve of her spine.
Madeleine gasped. It was more than obvious that this was more than a simple kiss as desire swept through them both.
‘Are you sure?’ The words were simple, yet had demands of their own. She could feel his breath heaving in his chest; the kiss was temporarily stopped as he searched Madeleine’s eyes.
‘Poppy, what time will she be back?’ He knew that Poppy was with Jess, who since the break in had now moved into the hotel on a more permanent basis. She helped look after Poppy during the day while Madeleine worked, but it was now late morning and he knew that at some time soon Poppy would be looking for her mother, and the last thing she needed was to walk into her bedroom to find her in bed with a man she only met just a few weeks before.
‘Er, let me call Jess.’
Bandit stood up and walked around the room. He could hear Madeleine on the phone, heard that Jess would be taking Poppy out and they’d be gone for hours. He and Madeleine had the whole afternoon to themselves.
He looked at where she was lying on the bed, phone in hand, leaning against the pillows. He loved the way she arched her arm up above her head as she talked, loved the way she curled her legs up beneath her and wanted more than anything to believe that she wanted him and needed him as much as he wanted her. But he was afraid. He knew he still suffered from traumatic stress, knew the flashbacks could happen at any time and knew that it would be easy for him to become attached and end up being hurt again.
Yet something told him that Madeleine was different. She was probably the most honest person he’d ever met, which was quite a statement as he’d only known her for a few short weeks. The one thing he could be sure of was that he wanted her in his life.
‘Bandit, I … I don’t do one night stands.’ It was as though Madeleine had been reading his mind. Her words were enough for him and he climbed onto the bed and his lips touched hers. He lingered. He’d thought about kissing her again for days, he’d thought of how she’d feel in his arms and knew that the moment he took her to bed, he’d want to make love to her and he wouldn’t want to stop.
Bandit once again looked into her eyes and Madeleine threw her head back from his face. ‘Now, are you going to make love to me or not?’ she whispered.
Bandit responded immediately and pulled her to her feet.
Madeleine felt the buttons of her blouse begin to open. The soft material slipped from her shoulders and to the floor with ease, quickly followed by her jeans. Her feet left the floor as Bandit picked her up and she felt the coldness of the sheets as he pulled back the duvet and laid her down. She gave an involuntary shudder as the last of her underwear was removed and finally her naked body was his to see. He sat up; his eyes admired her slender body as his hands slowly moved over her stomach and up to her breasts with the expertise of a masseuse.
‘You’re so very beautiful,’ he whispered as his hands worked reverently.
‘You’re beautiful too,’ she managed to say as she felt him lean forward to place gentle kisses up and down her stomach. She gasped, caught her breath and then pulled him towards her.
‘Not so fast,’ he whispered with a smile and then pulled away, to stand beside the bed.
Madeleine stared longingly and lovingly as she watched his clothes fall from his body, revealing his taut chest and defined muscles. Everything about him was chiselled and perfect. She pulled at the sheet to cover herself from his view as he turned and pulled the curtains closed over the greyness of the day, leaving the room dark and shadowy. The deep sparkle of his eyes shone back at her through the darkness as he moved over her, pressing her body beneath him and she allowed his mouth to reclaim hers. Taking his time, he kissed her while allowing his hands to gently arouse her and then suddenly without warning, he was deep inside her. Their bodies began to move as one. At first they moved slowly, but then rhythmically and passionately together in a fierce, yet powerful tempo. A scream of ecstasy left Madeleine’s lips as simultaneously Bandit became still and moaned with pleasure, before using his hands and mouth to ensure that Madeleine completely surrendered too.
‘Are you all right?’ he whispered in her ear as he pivoted above her.
She nodded, unable to speak as she gasped for breath.
He searched her face. ‘I’ve wanted to make love to you since the first night I met you.’
Madeleine’s eyes lit up. ‘Met me? You mean the night when you grabbed me from behind and launched me to the floor.’ She giggled.
‘Yeah, that would have been it.’ He moved his weight from above her and lay to her side.
Madeleine sat up against her pillows. ‘Have you really wanted this, you know, since then?’
‘You kn
ow I have.’ He smiled as he once again pulled her towards him, making her feel every inch of him as he pressed against her body. ‘Do you need to sleep?’ he asked as his arms protectively enveloped her body.
‘Oh, no, don’t you dare sleep, it’s still daytime, it’s not allowed.’
It was an hour later when she lay completely sated in Bandit’s arms. He’d slipped into sleep and she simply lay watching and listening to his deep, steady breaths. He twitched, making Madeleine watch more closely as the corners of his mouth moved into an involuntary grimace. Suddenly, his arm shot out, thrusting into the air, as his body began to shake and his head began moving rapidly from side to side.
‘Nooooooooooooooo. Don’t …. don’t …. Please, don’t ….!’ The yells came from a voice so full of emotion that she barely recognised it. His reaction had been of terror, fear and the pain and anguish in his voice had been soul destroying. Her heart leapt out of her chest as she watched his arms suddenly cover his face as though protecting himself from harm.
‘Shhhhhh, it’s okay. Bandit, it’s okay,’ she whispered calmly. She really wanted to get him to talk about the explosion, about his time in the marines, but she also knew that now was not the time. But one day it would be and she knew she’d have to bring up the subject and ask him more about the living nightmare that he endured. But for now, all she could do was hold him in her arms.
November 5th, 1942
Today I will write to Eddie. I’ve waited and waited for a letter to come, for some indication of when he’d be home but when none came I knew I’d have to write once more and tell him about the baby. I would have liked to tell him in person, but now I don’t feel that I have any choice. I really want him to know that he’ll soon be a father and that when he gets home, there will be a wedding. Not so grand as the one Father had thought I would have, but I don’t care as long as it’s Eddie that I marry.
After all, Father really can’t refuse us now, can he?
I’m hoping that once Eddie knows he’s about to become a father, he will find a way to come home. I’m sure there must be a way.
I feel so very alone and Mary is too mixed up with Benjamin to notice me. She has her own ways and up to now I don’t think she’s noticed my change of mood. She’s distant and has taken to sleeping in her own room. I fear that she’s meeting Benjamin after dark. And when she’s not with Benjamin, she spends a lot of time in the kitchen. It wouldn’t surprise me if she isn’t making food for him and his family. After all, we still seem to have plenty here with our own vegetables and game. In fact, rationing doesn’t seem to have affected us much at all except for the bread which now has so little yeast in it that it comes out of the oven a little flat.
Jimmy is back at school, which is a blessing in disguise. He is far too observant for his own good and would be sure to realise that my shape has changed especially when I refuse to play rough and tumble games with him. Jimmy will be at school until the end of term and should only come home at Christmas and by then I hope that I’ll have worked out what to do.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Liam stood in the centre of the bedroom. It was the room that stood at the bottom of the landing, the one that he’d told Madeleine had belonged to his parents and that he kept locked. It was the room that she’d never been in and the room which had held his secrets for so many years.
Each wall was wallpapered in tattered, crude woodchip paper. It was painted in a pale washed out green emulsion and covered with large, wooden framed cork boards. Seven of the nine had pictures, photographs, personal items and pieces of clothing pinned to them. Each had a name above it, and each had photos or items hung from pins that were stuck into the cork below.
Black lines had been scribbled through the people’s eyes in the photographs, partially obliterating the pictures, making it difficult to recognise who some of them were.
He laughed as he spun around in the centre of the room, admiring his work and his perfect murders. His sister had been the first, quickly followed by his mother and his father. His laugh turned into a hysterical screech.
‘To think Maddie believed that you’d gone back to Ireland,’ he said as he poked at his mother’s board. ‘Everyone believed me.’
He then turned and looked at a board that hung alone. ‘You had to die. She loved you too much, when all I wanted was for her to love me.’ It was a picture of a man trapped in a car. The car had crashed and his head was slumped backward in the darkness, his mouth hung open and blood spilling from his nose as water surrounded the car, spilling in through its windows.
Liam laughed. ‘It was just too easy to get rid of you, wasn’t it, Michael?’ He walked to the window at the back of the house. ‘Of course she missed you, she cried for you. But I was there for her. It was me that comforted her when the time was right after your death.’ He thought of the night he’d waited for Michael’s car. Of how he’d laughed hysterically, watching as it sped around the corner. He’d known that Michael would have to hit his brakes. Known that he’d swerve to avoid the broken timber that had been strewn all over the road. And had been in awe of his own ingenuity when Michael lost control on the bend and the car left the road in exactly the spot that he’d predicted and cascaded over the bridge and into the water below.
His board was the only board with just one photo stuck in the middle. There were no other photos, no items of clothing, no articles that had belonged to him. ‘She shouldn’t have loved you, don’t you see? I had to get rid of you, just like her mother who interfered after your death. It was so easy to feed her the nuts, discharge the Epi-pen and walk away. Far too easy, she was far too trusting.’
There were two boards to the right of the room. The first was of Bridget, Maddie’s agent. ‘You, you too interfered and gave too much advice. I wanted a joint account, I needed Maddie’s money. But you advised Maddie to keep her own money, keep her independence, but that was a mistake. A really big mistake.’ He then moved to the next board along and sat in the middle of the floor with his head held in his hands. He rocked back and forth, his eyes fixed on Angelina’s board as he looked at each photograph in turn. Most were of her at work, of them both at work, laughing and joking and he thought of how much effort he’d put in to keep her on side, to keep his job. On one photograph Angelina’s eyes still managed to peer out, making him grab a black marker pen that lay on the windowsill. Ferociously he scrawled a line across the picture, this time completely eradicating her eyes.
‘You shouldn’t have made me redundant, should you?’ he finally continued. ‘You should have been nice to me when you had the chance. But you chose the others over me. It wasn’t fair. I worked hard, but you couldn’t forgive me, could you?’ He stood back from the board and thought of the time he’d brought her to the house, the time Madeleine had caught them and Angelina had stamped off, glaring at him as she’d gone. ‘Well, I bet you wished that you hadn’t done that now, don’t you? Cause I had the last laugh, didn’t I?’ His voice trembled as he spoke, and then turned into a soft, gentle sound as he threw the marker pen down. ‘Well, you can’t watch me now, can you? That’s why you had to wear the blindfold; after all you couldn’t watch. Not when I killed you. It wouldn’t be right.’
He liked the chase, to capture and torment, torture and maim. He’d spent years creating the perfect murder, yet still he couldn’t bear them to look at him and had never wanted to visualise how their eyes had looked just before they’d closed for the very last time.
He looked up at the two newer boards. One was covered in pictures of Madeleine, some large, some small.
‘You too, Maddie. You turned against me, just like the others. You shouldn’t have left me,’ he said as he flicked at the broken locket that hung from the board. It was held there with a pin and showed the small picture of Madeleine within the gold oval. He stroked it carefully and seductively while looking up at the hundreds of other photographs that adorned the board. One or two were recognisable as Madeleine looked now, but the others were much olde
r and dated back to when she’d have been between twelve and eighteen years old. One of her on a bike, one in fancy dress and another was a picture from secondary school; her black framed glasses were perched on her miserable face, her hair had been pulled back in a tight ponytail and her school tie had been wrapped around itself so many times it was almost as wide as her neck.
‘Didn’t know the school photos were being done that day, did you, Maddie?’ He laughed and stroked the photo. ‘You’d have worn make-up and done your hair if you had. That’s right, you just hated having your picture taken without notice, didn’t you?’
He stepped back and studied her other pictures. All were staged. All had a look of Madeleine’s perfect pose, perfect hair and perfect smile.
‘You didn’t like me at school, Maddie, did you?’ A tear fell down his face. ‘And I waited such a long time for you. I watched you every day, every morning outside your form class.’ He paused. ‘But you walked past me with your friends. You didn’t even know that I existed, did you? But, Maddie, I did exist and just like the others who ignored me, annoyed me or left me, you’re going to have to pay.’ He looked across at the seven discarded boards. ‘You’re going to realise that I exist, Maddie. I will punish you, and you will pay for your mistakes, just like they did.’
His eyes flicked to the second new board that he’d erected. Another laugh left his throat as he looked at the photos of Jess that he’d begun to collect. There were only a few but he’d get more. His collection of her possessions had already started; the break in at her flat had been easy and the photo album had been a jewel. The DVD had been an obvious choice. He could play it over and over. Watch how she moved, laughed and played. She hadn’t owned much jewellery, but the odd pieces that he’d found were now hung up on pins. And central to the board there was a large picture of both Jess and Madeleine; they had their hair in braids and were smiling, cuddling and wearing soft pastel bikinis.