by Sarah Noffke
Since Sarah threw down the gauntlet, I won’t comment on her author notes except to say the term ‘catonese’ (which I originally misread to be ‘cantonese’ and did a double take) is priceless!
And ‘And’ has to go, may it be but a blip in the history of Author Notes. Maybe one of those game show host scenarios where we have our fan on stage, the announcer speaking to a hush audience, “And for EXTRA Points, can YOU name the nickname Sarah Noffke gave Michael that lasted all of one book? For Extra EXTRA points, can you NAME the book?”
Tick tock…tick tock…tick tock… “And and Degeneration?” the contestant replies.
WOOHOOO!
So, in order for this fabrication to ever have a chance to come true, Sarah can’t do that to me again.
Just saying.
THANK YOU SARAH for playing in the Kurtherian Universe. We the fans are the richer in our lives for your characters, for your fun, and for your stories ;-)
Sarah also has a huge set of wonderful stories herself. You should check them out when you are ready for something a bit different, and yet with author’s you already know.
For Sarah – check out her website here: http://www.sarahnoffke.com
And thank you Sarah. I’m usually not good with accepting compliments (not that I didn’t crave them like a kid wants sugar when younger, a teenage boy wants that girl to say ‘hi’ and a man wants that car he can’t afford) but when it happens?
I’m secretly happy, but stutter over the acceptance.
Kind of like now.
Damn!
;-)
Ad Aeternitatem,
Michael
Impersonation
Chapter One
Dex’s Parts and Manufacturing, Planet Kezza, Tangki System
Julianna was peeking through the spokes of the old Stutz Bearcat when the aliens arrived. She remained hidden as the six pirates sauntered into the mechanic’s shop of the oversized warehouse. With teeth clenched, she glared at the intruders.
Fucking pirates might steal and destroy, but at least they were punctual, Julianna thought.
You know what I’m thinking right now? Pip asked in Julianna’s head.
She rolled her eyes but smiled still. That it’s the perfect time to distract me?
Oh, dear, Julianna. It’s not always about you, you know. One of these days I’m going to get a life of my own, and then it will be about me.
Is there a reason you’re bothering me right now? Julianna squinted, watching the backs of the Kezzin pirates as they huddled around Dex, the owner of the business.
There are a few reasons, actually. The first is this car. I know someone who would like it.
Julianna looked at the decrepit vehicle. That’s very thoughtful of you.
I’m considered extremely thoughtful—ask anyone. But I realize you don’t always notice because you have a lot on your mind, Pip said with a loud laugh. Mind! Get it?
Julianna shook her head, securing her pistol in her holster just as the largest pirate shoved Dex in the chest. The owner of the warehouse was a sizeable man with a round belly and thick arms, but he was no match for the alien.
Also, I’ve been thinking about going on a health kick. Thoughts? Pip continued.
I don’t even know what to say about that. You’re an AI.
With feelings!
Fine, fine. What does this health kick involve? Julianna asked, humoring him. Two of the pirates had picked up long pipes and were slapping them into their palms. It was almost showtime.
Well, a cleanse would be necessary. I’ve been considering going vegan. What do you think?
I don’t have the first clue how that would work. You don’t eat, Pip.
It’s mostly just food for thought.
Oh, no you didn’t…
In fact, I did. But maybe you should consider going vegan.
Let’s discuss this later. Right now I’m busy.
Dex shook his head furiously and yelled, “I don’t have what you want!” at the pirate. The Kezzin grabbed Dex’s shirt and lifted him into the air.
“If you don’t have our money, we’ll take the parts,” the pirate bellowed. He turned his ugly lizard face to the brutes beside him. “Load up everything we can carry. We’ll sell it.”
Julianna slid soundlessly around the Stutz Bearcat, still mostly out of view. The pirates were too busy creating havoc to notice her standing roughly ten feet off the ground on the wide shelf.
The Kezzin holding Dex in the air laughed. “We were going to take parts anyway and the money.”
“I’m going to need you to lower Dex,” Julianna yelled from the shelf.
All the Kezzin froze and the lead pirate turned, his narrow eyes enlarging. “Well, hey there, sweetheart. You want me to pick you up? I can do that.” He looked at the closest pirate. “Let’s take her too.”
With a hungry look on his face, the Kezzin ambled forward, dropping the pipe he’d had in his hands. That was a big mistake.
“Come here, little human,” a Kezzin sneered.
“You want me to come over there? Okay.” Julianna backed up a step, careful not to bump the car, then ran forward and leapt. The Kezzin hadn’t expected the attack, so like a coward, he covered his head with his arms.
The heel of Julianna’s boot smashed into his torso and he slammed to the ground. The pirate holding Dex shoved the mechanic forward and spun to Julianna.
“Get her,” he ordered in a low and dangerous voice. His lackeys spread out with leering grins.
Stupid woman was about to get hers.
Julianna scooped the pipe from the floor, hefted it to feel the balance, then spun on the balls of her feet to drive it into the nearest Kezzin face.
He gurgled through his broken face, before gagging and gasping on his way to the floor.
Julianna darted away. Two pirates followed. An old airplane stood in the middle of the warehouse floor. She ran for it, slowing to let the pirates get close. When she reached the propeller, she grabbed it, spun around and slammed two feet into the chest of the closest Kezzin. He bounced off the other and the two went down.
Julianna was on them in a flash, cracking their heads together as she looked for more enemies. It wouldn’t do to have them sneaking up behind her.
“Get her, already you sons of whores!” the lead pirate screamed.
Two others approached, more warily. She took off at an angle and they followed. She disappeared behind a crate and they spread out, one taking each side. She jumped up, landing lightly on the top. The Kezzin both saw the movement. They reached up, but were too slow.
She kicked the nearest in the face and did a back flip over the other. He almost fell over as he tried to follow her movements. She body-blocked him into the crate, seized him by his collar and the seat of his pants, lifting him and swinging him like a battering ram. With his head jammed through the wood, she dropped his body.
Only one left -- the so-called leader. Julianna slowly removed her pistol from the holster and took aim. He froze where he was.
“Trying to sneak around behind me while your boys were a diversion? That’s not very manly.” Julianna waved her pistol toward the entrance. “Take this scum and get the fuck out of here. If I find out you’ve bothered Dex again, I’m going to tear off your balls and shove them down your throat.”
Julianna’s aim held steady, her eyes intense.
“Do I make myself clear?”
“Y-y-yeah,” the pirate stuttered, stumbling backwards.
Julianna waited until she was sure they were gone before putting her pistol back in its holster. Damn it, Ghost Squadron needed to get better weapons. And soon.
For now the weapons were fine, since she was mostly fighting poor pirates who used their fists because they didn’t have anything else. Reduced trade
of weapons was the handiwork of Ghost Squadron. They’d been cleaning up illegal dealers, but for every one they shut down two more opened. That was why there was no time to sleep—not that rest was entirely necessary.
Julianna looked around, impressed that she hadn’t made as big a mess as she’d expected.
Dex, however, had had his shirt ripped and earned a bash to the head from the pirates. Still, he was mostly unharmed. He scanned the warehouse while catching his breath.
“Is it just you?” he asked, perhaps expecting more people to jump out from behind the shelves.
“Yeah. You said roughly six pirates bullied you.” Julianna stretched her neck from side to side, loosening up after the fight. She hadn’t broken a sweat, but the adrenaline rush had been nice.
“Oh… Well, I expected… When we talked, you said that your team would help with the pirates,” Dex said, confusion making his forehead wrinkle.
“The team is busy.” Julianna swept her arm at the warehouse filled with parts. “We still have a deal, right? I got rid of your pirate problem, so you’ll load my ship with supplies?”
Dex nodded. “Yeah. I’m a man of my word. I’ve got you covered. However, I’ve got a question. I saw the list of things you need, and it’s quite a lot.”
“Those pirates were going to take a whole bunch more than I’m asking for,” Julianna said.
“No, no, it’s not that,” Dex began. “It’s just that based on all you asked for…well, you must be outfitting a massive ship.”
Julianna smiled to herself, a new pride in her chest at the thought of Ricky Bobby. “Oh, yeah. It’s impressive. A battlecruiser.”
“It must be, to need all the parts you’ve requested,” Dex said, awe written on his face. “Just one more question, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Go on, then,” Julianna said. She liked the old mechanic. He was a good man—one who had been bullied on Kezza, which he’d tried to make his home.
“Who does this battlecruiser belong to?” Dex asked.
Julianna smiled widely. “Me. It’s my ship.”
Chapter Two
Landing Bay, Ricky Bobby, Tangki System
Although technically Ricky Bobby was both her and Eddie’s ship, for simplicity’s sake Julianna had been brief with Dex. She never tired of saying it…“her ship.” She popped out of the Q-Ship after landing on Ricky Bobby, motioning to the closest crew member.
“Parts need to go to Dr. A’Din Hatcherik’s lab,” she said, striding around a construction area. The whole ship was in renovation mode, which was why Eddie hadn’t accompanied Julianna.
“Tell me it wasn’t any fun,” Eddie said to her. He was standing on the top step of a ladder holding a beam up with one hand, although it was incredibly heavy. Knox stood on a neighboring scaffold with a fistful of wires, and his brow was scrunched as he worked on the repair.
“It was so fucking boring.” Julianna pretended to yawn. “The pirates didn’t even put up a serious fight. It was over before I knew it.”
Lars set the transport ship down with ease, and a sort of smile could be seen on his face through the windshield. The Kezzin had obviously enjoyed returning to his home planet, a place he’d never thought he’d see again. And seeing his brother’s face when he’d landed the transport ship had been priceless, even for Julianna. Sharing someone else’s pride-filled moment was almost as good as having one herself.
“Did you get everything I asked for?” Hatch asked, waddling out from behind the cargo boxes that had already been unloaded.
“Not only did I get everything on your Christmas List,” Julianna began, “I also got you a surprise.”
“Surprise?” the Londil queried with skepticism on his octopus face.
“Check it out for yourself.” Julianna motioned to the lowered ramp at the back of the transport ship.
Hatch rolled his eyes but hurried over, curiosity obvious in his expression. He paused in front of the open door, his mouth popping open. “Is that…”
Julianna crossed her arms and nodded proudly. “It is.”
“How did you get this?” Hatch asked.
“It was actually Pip’s idea,” Julianna confessed.
Giving me credit…that was nice of you. I’m not interfaced with the ship yet, chirped Pip in Julianna’s head.
Which means you couldn’t have told on me if I had taken credit.
You’re a real pal, Julianna.
“Tell Pip that I owe him. I’ll have him interfaced with the ship soon to show my gratitude,” Hatch said.
“I’m not sure that should take priority over upgrading the gate drives,” Ricky Bobby said from the speakers. “They aren’t up to Federation standards, and if we need to make a quick exit that will pose a problem.”
Julianna smiled inwardly. AI rivalry. She’d suspected this would happen. Ricky Bobby had transitioned to Unsurpassed without issue, and having her old AI in charge of their new ship felt incredibly right. However, there were still things that would take time, and convincing the two AIs to cooperate was one of them.
“What is it? What did the Commander bring you?” Knox asked, hurrying over after climbing quickly down. The guy wasn’t afraid of heights, and was as coordinated up high as a monkey in a tree.
“It’s…it’s something I’ve only seen pictures of,” Hatch said as a crew member pushed the Stutz Bearcat down the ramp and onto the deck.
“Whoa!” Knox exclaimed. “That’s incredible.”
Eddie strode over and halted beside Julianna. “How did you score a Stutz Bearcat?”
“I asked,” she answered frankly. “I simply asked.”
“Damn that Fregin charm. If you ever use it on me I’ll be in trouble,” Eddie said.
Julianna shook her head. “Captain, I think you’re confusing a simple request with some sort of magic.”
Eddie smiled broadly. “Oh, that’s cute. You don’t see it.”
“See what?” Julianna asked.
“Your knack for persuasion,” Eddie said, winking at her.
“Again, I simply asked, ‘Can you include the car?’ That’s how it happened,” Julianna explained.
Eddie shook his head and whistled. “Damn, that mechanic never stood a chance.”
“Teach, you’ve been inhaling paint fumes for too long,” Julianna said, and strode over to Hatch. He was already flattened under the old car.
“Julie, this is incredible. I never expected to own a gem like this,” Hatch said, his voice vibrating with excitement.
“We’re glad you like it. Think you’ll be able to restore the car?” Julianna asked.
“The engine needs to be rebuilt,” Hatch said, sliding out from underneath the Bearcat.
“And the hoses all need to be replaced,” Knox added from under the hood.
Hatch slapped two tentacles together jovially. “But yes. We can have this baby up and running in no time.”
A cough echoed from overhead.
“Yes, of course. Ricky Bobby is right,” Julianna said, taking the mild hint from the AI. “We need to get the gate drives online first.”
“And the cloaks,” Eddie added.
“Yeah, yeah. You’ll get your ship upgraded,” Hatch grumbled as he waddled off. “Can’t even take a day off for my hobbies.”
Knox ran after him, almost bouncing. “Think how good that car is going to look next to your Bugatti and the Volkswagen bug.”
“Only a few more, and my collection will be complete,” Hatch said to the young mechanic as they sped off. “A ’57 Corvette, a 1970 Plymouth ‘Cuda, a DeLorean…” His voice faded as they walked out of the bay.
Eddie turned to Julianna. “Think we’ll need a bigger ship to house Hatch’s car collection.”
I found interesting information on the VW bug, Pip interjected in Julianna’s head.
Like the fact that it was commissioned originally by Adolf Hitler?
Like the fact that making out in the backseat is considered extremely un
comfortable.
How… What? We really need to restrict the things you can search for.
Speaking of searching, I’ve been doing more enquiry on this vegan business.
“Oh dear,” Julianna said aloud.
Eddie gave her a curious glance. “Pip?” he asked, having read it on her face.
She nodded.
If I was in the captain’s head I could easily share the information I found on vegan recipes. Did you know there’s a cashew cheese that’s very smooth?
No. And no. There’s no way I’m giving up meat or cheese.
This is about living your best life, Julianna.
I’m starting to consider that involves ending you.
“Julianna and Eddie,” Ricky Bobby called. “Jack requests your presence in his office.”
Julianna sighed, laughing to herself. She could never guess what crazy thing Pip would come up with next.
“Tell him we’ll be right there,” Eddie said, laughing too.
Although he wasn’t privy to the jokes, he still seemed to enjoy the entertainment Julianna got from Pip. Maybe she should consider allowing him in both their heads. She just wasn’t sure how that would change things.
Chapter Three
Jack Renfro’s Office, Ricky Bobby, Tangki System
A drumming sound filled Jack’s office. Julianna and Eddie entered to find the spymaster for the Federation tapping his hands on the surface of his desk and looking around the office like he’d lost something. He clicked his tongue absentmindedly, not noticing the two standing squarely in front of him.
“You rang?” Eddie chirped.
Jack raised his chin and blinked at them. “Yes. Right.” He scattered a stack of papers, looking through them for something specific.
“ArchAngel kept telling you that you needed better organization,” Julianna teased.
At the mention of the AI, Jack’s eyes widened. “She liked to tell me a lot of things.”
“Does it bother you, boss, that your new office belonged to a crazy mastermind?” Eddie asked, strolling the length of the long office. It was much nicer than the one he’d had before, since Felix had invested heavily in putting the nicest furniture into his personal space.