by Sabre Rose
He cleared his throat. “Right, okay.” He smiled a tight, nervous smile and dabbed at his lips with a napkin. “I don’t really know where to start, Lauren.”
“How about with the man-stealing-bitch and your unborn child? That sounds like a reasonable starting point to me,” I said bitterly.
Derek laughed nervously as the waiter came and took our drink orders. I hadn’t stopped talking when the waiter approached and he had given Derek an odd look. I was sure Derek was going to scold me, that’s what he would have done before, but instead, he just cleared his throat and started talking again.
“I was stupid. I know this now, but at the time I was lonely. You were so wrapped up in—”
“Let me stop you there, Derek.” I spat out his name. “You had an affair, you left. None of this happened because of me, despite what excuses you might want to dream up.”
Derek nodded and smoothed his black hair back from his face. “Fair call. I was just trying to explain the ‘why’ of it all.”
“The ‘why’ is because you couldn’t keep your cock in your pants.” The waiter placed our drinks on the table. He was having a hard time keeping his face straight.
“Lauren, please,” Derek begged, glancing at the waiter. “Do you have to embarrass me like this?”
I took a large drink of my wine. “I’m embarrassing you? Perhaps you should see how it feels to be left for another woman after thirteen years together. And not even a young woman, or a pretty woman, a man-stealing-bitch of a woman.” She was both young and pretty, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. “Did you know I walked in on you? Later that night, after you so sweetly broke up with me, I drove to the office to see if I could get you to reconsider.”
“Oh.” Derek swallowed deeply.
“Oh,” I repeated.
Closing his eyes, Derek breathed deeply. “I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be, but I’m trying here, Lauren. I want you back.”
“Fine.” I took another gulp of wine and picked up my phone.
“Fine, you’ll have me back?” he asked hopefully.
There were three unread text messages flashing on my phone. I glanced up and shook my head. “Fine, you can keep talking.”
Gabe: Where are you?
Gabe: I need to see you.
Gabe: I need to explain.
Me: I’m having dinner with Derek.
I put the phone on the table and looked up. “You were saying?”
He couldn’t hide the annoyance in his eyes but I smiled and ignored it.
“She was never pregnant,” he said finally.
I almost spat out my drink. I managed to swallow and then I threw my head back and laughed. “She was never pregnant?”
“No. She lied to get me to leave you.”
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” I snorted. “Original. What was she expecting would happen when she didn’t produce a baby?”
“Well she tried to tell me she miscarried but she had forgotten I had experience in that area. She didn’t expect me to be so…” He paused a moment. “So knowledgeable.”
“And so now that your bit on the side turned out to be the lying bitch I knew she was, you come crawling back to me?”
“I know it seems that way,” he started.
“It doesn’t seem that way, Derek. It is that way.”
The waiter came over with our orders. Pasta for me and steamed fished for Derek. My phone vibrated again and Derek glanced at it, annoyed.
Gabe: Please don’t hate me.
“Steamed fish?” I asked, ignoring Derek’s questioning look at my phone.
He patted his belly. “Trying to get rid of those last few pounds before the big fight.”
I took another sip of wine. “You look good.”
Derek smiled at that. He winked. “Just wait until you see me naked.”
“That’s rather presumptuous.”
“Sorry,” he muttered. “It’s hard, you know. I keep forgetting that we’re not who we were anymore. We’re not us.”
It was almost fun seeing him so off guard and unsure. I carefully pulled a strand of pasta and wrapped it around my fork careful not to make any squelching sounds. “Fight?” I asked before popping the pasta into my mouth.
“I thought Clem told you?”
“My mother tells me lots of things. Doesn’t mean I always listen.”
“I signed up for the charity boxing match. Hofstadter and I are going head to head. The fat blob won’t have a chance.”
Simon Hofstadter was Derek’s nemesis. He worked for a rival company and they often went head to head trying to secure exclusive contracts on fancy houses that only the super-rich could afford. “Should be interesting. Still, I didn’t pick you for a boxer.”
My phone sounded again and I turned it off without reading the message. I couldn’t even imagine Derek in a fight. He had only ever been aggressive in business.
“Everything okay?” Derek asked.
“It’s just Peta,” I said quickly, ready with my lie. “You know how she is, wanting to know how things are going. You were saying about the fight?”
“It’s for charity, so hopefully I’ll pick up some decent leads on the night. Lots of people go to those sorts of events. Maybe you’ll come with me?”
“I think we should just take things slow, Derek. I can’t just forget what’s happened, even if I wanted to.”
He reached across and covered my hand, even though it was clasped around my fork. “I know I don’t deserve another chance, but we have so much history together, we’ve been through so much, it would be a shame to throw it all away. Thirteen years. It’s a lot.”
I bit my tongue at the responses that flooded my head. I had come here, almost convinced to give Derek another chance, but he wasn’t making it easy on himself. Derek was the one that threw it away. Derek was the one who cheated.
But he was trying, and that was what I wanted, wasn’t it?
We chatted for the rest of the night, catching up on friends, Derek relaying that my mother called him every second day since we separated.
“I suppose I should call her and let her know that we’re going to give it another go,” I said at the end of the meal.
Derek looked at me hopefully. “We are?”
I shrugged, amazed at the fact that I really didn’t seem to care. “As you said, we’ve got history. We owe it to ourselves, even if one of us doesn’t deserve it.”
“You won’t regret it, Lauren.” He stood up and came across to kiss my cheek. “I realise what I had now and I never want to lose it again.”
“Slow, though, okay? You were the one that rushed things when you left, selling the house and everything. If we are going to do this, we are doing it on my terms.”
Derek nodded and grinned enthusiastically. “Anything you say. You hold the reins. I’m just grateful that you are at least giving me the chance to win you back. I love you, Lauren. I always have. I always will.”
“Woah,” I said, holding my hand up and attempting to lighten the mood. “Let’s just take things one day at a time.”
“Movie on Thursday night?” Derek asked, slipping his hand into mine as we left the restaurant.
16
LAUREN
The goodbye kiss Derek and I shared was strange. He was so familiar, yet in the matter of a few short months, he had become so foreign. I was used to hardening myself against him, not caving into the safety and familiarity we shared. But as he stood there and leaned in for a kiss, all the familiarity vanished and we were just two people unsure of what the other was thinking. He pecked my cheek and both of us laughed. It seemed so chaste, after what we were, but I certainly wasn’t going to rush things.
“See you Thursday?” he asked.
“If you’re lucky.”
If the kiss was strange, seeing him walk away was even stranger. Part of me wanted to call out and invite him in, immediately return to that place where I was safe and comfortable. But then I thought of
everything that had happened, and the fact that we had both been with other people since he left, and I let him go. Turning to the door, I fumbled in the dark to find the right key.
“Don’t be scared.”
I jumped and held my hand over my heart as a figure emerged from the darkness. “Gabe,” I scolded.
“Sorry. I just didn’t know how to approach without scaring you.”
“Well, lurking in the dark like some stalker sure wasn’t a great way to start.” My heart was still pounding as I turned to insert the key into the lock.
“Sorry,” he said again, dejectedly. “I just really needed to see you. I need to explain.”
With the door now open, I turned to face him. “You could have called.”
“I did. You turned off your phone.”
He stood in the shadows with his hands deep in his pockets and a beanie pulled down over his head. Blond strands stuck out against his shoulders and his blue eyes looked forlorn in the dim light. He looked so sad that, for an instant, I forgot why I was mad at him. But then I remembered and stood taller.
“Mark told me about the bet, I don’t see what there is to explain. The only part I don’t understand is why you didn’t claim your winnings. You did win, after all.” I crossed my arms and did my best to be unaffected by his pleading eyes.
Gabe took a deep breath. “I didn’t claim my winnings, as you put it, because I realised how stupid and cruel it was. I should have never agreed to it in the first place. I just didn’t think. I didn’t realise that I would feel this way. You’ve got to believe me, Lauren. I’ve been beating myself up over this. I know I fucked up.”
“I don’t see why you’re so worried,” I replied as nonchalantly as I could. “Just tell them you won, if it will make you feel better. I really don’t care.”
I did care. I didn’t want everyone knowing that I had so easily succumbed, that after years of exclusivity, I jumped into bed with someone I barely knew after nothing but a seductive smile and a few nicely placed words.
“That’s not what I mean. I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks. I care what you think though.” He looked down at the ground and then back up at me. The intensity of his eyes made my heart swell. “I just don’t want you to hate me. I couldn’t stand it.”
I sighed and reached out to brush his shoulder, drawing my hand back as soon as I did, scolding myself for touching him. “I don’t think I could ever hate you,” I said.
And once more that hopeful gaze stared back at me. “You don’t?” He took a step forward, his slumped shoulders rising and his mouth showing a ghost of a smile.
I took a step back, not trusting myself that close to him. “I don’t hate you. But that doesn’t mean I forgive you, either.” I took a deep breath. “It took a lot to let myself trust you, Gabe. That’s what it was when we… well… when we, you know.”
“Had sex?” he offered, his smile back in full force.
“Yes, had sex. You’re the only person I’ve ever done that with other than Derek.”
“Really?” He reached out and took the tips of my fingers in his, playing with them before lifting them to his mouth and brushing them with his lips. The sensation that tingled through my body at that slight touch was concerning. I couldn’t afford to stay around him any longer.
“You have no idea how much I want you right now,” he murmured.
I closed my eyes and willed myself to resist him. All the memories from the night we spent together came surging back and I thanked my lucky stars I had not consumed enough wine to dull my common sense.
“I thought that night was something more than a bet,” I said, trying not to look too closely at him, scared I would get trapped. “I know that’s stupid. I know that’s not what people like you do, but I allowed myself to think that perhaps you even cared for me, despite our obvious differences.”
“But I do,” he started.
I pulled my hands from his, breaking the physical connection that had me transfixed. “It doesn’t change what happened, Gabe. It doesn’t change the fact that if you hadn’t made that bet, there would be no way you’d be standing on my doorstep right now.”
Gabe took my hands again and tugged me closer so I was only inches away from him. His eyes burned with desire. “But I am here. Please,” he begged as my heart pounded with the closeness of his body to mine. “Give me another chance.”
I pulled my hand away and turned to push open the door, ignoring the parts of me that were begging to lose myself in him. “A chance for what? I’m not the girl for you, Gabe. And I believe the only reason you want me now is because you can’t have me.”
“I can’t?”
I shook my head with my back to him and stepped inside. “I’m giving Derek another chance.”
“Lauren, please.” He reached out and grabbed my arm. “I know I was stupid. I know I right royally fucked up. But everything I said to you, every moment of attraction, it was all real. It was all me, I swear. I just didn’t realise it at the time.”
I pulled away from him. “Go home, Gabe.”
I closed the door and waited until his footsteps sounded down the driveway. Oh, how I wished what he said was true. My heart was soaring with hopeful desire but I knew I needed to quell it. Gabe was a boy. Admittedly, a devastatingly good looking, well built, Adonis of a boy, but still a boy. He didn’t know what it was to commit to a relationship, but Derek did. Derek knew me and I knew Derek. He was the man I needed back in my life, and as much as my heart ached—or maybe it was something else—I knew I had to forget him and acknowledge that what happened was simply nothing but the result of a challenge. He would have never even looked my way otherwise.
* * *
I tried to forget Gabe after that. I tried, but I didn’t succeed. Even with my changed shifts, I still saw him for at least an hour each day before I went home. He was quieter than he used to be, but I still caught him staring at me and, when I did, he would grin wickedly, knowing the only reason I caught him was because I was looking too. But other than those silent exchanges he kept to himself.
On Thursday night Derek took me to the movies. On Friday night I sat alone and watched two episodes of Blood Too Sweet. After work on Saturday, Derek had a work dinner that he begged me to attend, but I couldn’t face them. Not yet. Not knowing that all of them knew exactly what had transpired between us, and especially not with people who were all friends with the man-stealing-bitch.
I watched three episodes that night.
On Sunday we went for a walk. He laughed at me puffing and panting my way up the steep hill and dragged me the last few steps. When we reached the top and looked out over the ocean below, he reached into the pocket of his shirt and pulled out my engagement ring.
“This isn’t a marriage proposal,” he said, getting down on one knee. “This is just a promise that my heart belongs to you and no other.”
I held out my hand and he slipped it over the barely visible pale band of skin. I felt nothing. I wanted to feel something but it simply wasn’t there. The only thing that was there was familiarity and safety.
He kissed me then. And, as the wind whipped about us, tossing my hair into the air, I did everything I could not to think of Gabe. I tried not to compare Derek’s lips to Gabe’s. I tried not to compare the sudden thrill that surged through me at the mere thought of Gabe, and the complete lack of anything when Derek’s mouth pressed against mine.
I tried but I failed.
* * *
On Monday night we shared an uncomfortable dinner with Peta and Shrek. Peta wanted us to be together, but she also couldn’t easily forgive Derek, and she let him know. Shrek filled the evening in with crass jokes and stupid impressions but the awkwardness never quite left.
“Lauren?” Peta called out as we were getting into the car. “Sorry, but I need you to return to your old shifts tomorrow.”
My heart leaped at her words, only, I didn’t know if it was from nervousness or excitement. My old shifts meant spendin
g time with Gabe.
“Sure thing,” I said a little too brightly.
Derek shot me a scowl over the roof of the vehicle.
“Is that okay with you?” Peta asked, her hands on her hips and glaring at him.
“It’s not up to me,” Derek replied quickly, removing the scowl.
He was very quiet as he drove me home. He would look at me like he was going to say something, and then think the better of it and return his eyes to the road.
“What?” I asked him, frustrated.
“What?” he said back, feigning ignorance.
“Don’t what me. You’re annoyed about something.”
“I’m hardly going to see you if you go back to working evenings.”
I shrugged. “We’ll figure something out.”
He was silent for a good long while, staring at the road and driving very slowly. “I think you should quit,” he said finally.
“Quit? Why would I quit?”
“You should come back and work for me again. We made a great team.”
I sat, tossing replies back and forth in my mind. But this one I just couldn’t let slide. He couldn’t expect to upturn my entire life by leaving, and then think I would be willing to turn it all around the moment he decided otherwise.
“We did,” I said sharply. “Until you decided to fuck it all up.” My voice was cold and Derek looked up, a little shock registering on his expression when I swore.
“You swore,” he said.
“I’ve done a lot worse too,” I shot back.
“What do you mean by that?” He gripped the wheel tightly, his knuckles white.
The fact that I had slept with Gabe was burning at the back of my mind. I wanted to tell him, give him a little taste of his own medicine and see the hurt in his eyes for a change. But I knew to do that I would have to admit to it. It would also give him more reason to want me to quit, and if I had learned anything by Derek leaving, it was that I never wanted my life to depend solely on someone else again. It gave me nothing to cling to when they left.