by Sabre Rose
Gabe: You don’t know how much that made me smile.
I thought back to when I first met Gabe and how afraid I was that his interest in me was merely for his amusement. I had been scared I was nothing more than a challenge or that he would use me. And then my mind drifted to the way Gabe must feel, knowing that I wouldn’t tell anyone about him. I was saying I liked him, but not enough for other people to know about it. My breath caught in my throat when it dawned on me that I was treating him exactly the same way I had been scared he would treat me.
With tears springing to my eyes, I excused myself from the room and dialled Gabe.
“Fuck, I miss you,” he said as a way of greeting. His voice was light and happy and a little slurred. “Sorry,” he said and laughed. “I’m a little wasted. Lynda grows some excellent weed.”
“I need you,” I said.
“Oh, babe,” he said, and I smiled to myself, having never heard the word ‘babe’ out of his mouth before. “I need you too. Want to try phone sex? I think it would work a lot better on a video call.”
“Get your mind out of the gutter.”
“Believe me, it’s not in the gutter. Do you want me to tell you where it is? What it’s thinking of?”
“I want you to come up here.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want you to come and meet my parents.” There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Properly,” I added. “As my—” I paused trying to think of the right word. Partner seemed too clunky, too old for the relationship we shared. Lover sounded weird and significant other just wasn’t right. “My boyfriend,” I finally settled on.
“For real?” Gabe asked.
“For real,” I said and couldn’t help the smile that crept into my tone.
“I probably shouldn’t drive right now,” Gabe replied.
“Tomorrow?”
“First thing,” Gabe confirmed. “Lauren?”
“Yes, Gabe?”
“I love you.”
“Love you too.”
33
LAUREN
Christmas Day dawned bright and clear and cold. I woke up in my childhood room, dressed in the hues of pinks and purples I had chosen when I was ten and listened to the sound of the house rising. Madison was already awake and I heard her yelling at Morgan to get out of bed so she could start opening presents. Mother was already in the kitchen and the smell of filtered coffee crept down the hall. There was a text already waiting on my phone letting me know that Gabe had risen at the crack of dawn and would be arriving any minute.
I bounded out of bed, wrapped my dressing gown over my pyjamas, shoved on my slippers and opened the door. Mother was walking down the hall towards my room.
“Merry Christmas,” I called cheerfully.
Mother’s eyes travelled from my head to my toes. “You should get dressed.”
“It’s early, and Madison is ready to open presents,” I replied.
“You’re wearing your pyjamas.”
“So I am,” I said, tugging my dressing gown closer and ducking past her.
“Lauren wait,” Mother said, following me. “There is something I should probably tell you.”
I walked through the kitchen door to find Derek sitting at the table, just about to take a sip on a steaming cup of coffee.
“Merry Christmas,” he said brightly.
“What are you doing here?”
Derek’s eyes turned to my mother.
“He’s here because I invited him,” she said firmly, walking over to the stove and turning on the element. “Pancakes?” she asked.
“Why?” I demanded.
“Because it’s Christmas morning and I always make pancakes for Christmas morning.”
“Why is Derek here?”
“Sorry,” Derek muttered, dropping his head to the cup of coffee. “She said you needed me.”
“I needed him?” I glared at Mother.
“You two need to talk and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity.”
Morgan took that moment to stroll into the kitchen, stopping abruptly when she saw Derek.
“Did you know about this?” I asked her.
Morgan held up her hands at my onslaught. “Nothing, I swear.”
“For goodness sake,” Mother uttered. “Would you stop being so dramatic. Derek is here because I asked him here. Once upon a time, he was part of this family. Now, I know you two have had your differences, but for the sake of the family, you two need to sort things out.”
“There’s nothing to sort out, Mother,” I said darkly.
“Look,” Derek said, scraping his chair across the tiles as he rose to stand. “Your mother said you were in trouble, she said you needed help and that’s why I came, nothing else.”
“Nonsense,” Mother said. “You two were made for each other. You created a baby. God has given his blessing. You are supposed to be married.”
Tears lodged themselves at the back of my throat and sprung to my eyes. I looked over at Derek, demanding he explained the truth.
“Clementine,” Derek said, walking over to Mother and placing his hand on her shoulder. “I know you have done this with the best of intentions, but Lauren and I simply aren’t right for each other and the time apart has helped us realise that.”
“Is it because of your floozy?”
Derek swallowed a smile. “My floozy?”
“Your bit on the side. The other woman. Lauren told us all about her.”
I looked at Derek and shook my head.
“No, it is not because of her. I’m not with her anymore.”
“Well, what’s the problem?” Mother asked bluntly.
Derek took a deep breath. “Lauren and I want different things out of life.”
I closed my eyes, my thoughts returning to the baby that lay lifeless in my arms.
“We simply grew apart. We’re just not meant to be.”
I was grateful to Derek in that moment. There were so many other things he could have said. So many ways to hurt us both, but he chose not to.
But Mother persisted. “I still don’t see what the problem is. Marriage can be hard work at times, but God looks favourably on those who choose to honour that promise you made to each other.”
“We never made that promise,” I said.
Mother ignored me and turned her attention fully to Derek. “Is it because of what happened to the baby?”
“Mother,” Morgan warned, flashing a worrying frown in my direction. Morgan knew what had happened. Morgan had been there through the sadness and the tears. Mother had not.
The doorbell rang. Gabe. I flew out of the room and pulled the door open, scrambling into Gabe’s arms the moment I saw him.
“You’re here,” I said, as the tears slipped out my eyes.
“I’m here,” he repeated, pulling back from me and studying my appearance. “Are you okay?”
I drank in the sight of him and smiled through my tears. “I’m good now,” I said. Gabe had on his usual baggy jeans and a t-shirt, and only half his hair was pulled back into a tie while the rest hung loosely around his shoulders. It made him look even younger. I grabbed his face between my hands and kissed him deeply.
“I’m sorry,” I said, before pulling him inside.
Derek was still explaining things to my mother, Morgan was leaning against the kitchen table listening, a cup of coffee in her hands, and Dad was reading the paper and trying to ignore Derek when I dragged Gabe inside. I called for Alistair and Madison and they popped their heads in from the lounge
“Mother, Dad, Morgan, Alistair, Madison, Derek,” I said, listing each of them. “I’d like you to meet Gabe.”
Mother looked up mid-sentence, her mouth hanging open and staring at Gabe. “We’ve already met him,” she said with a frown of confusion.
“Hi, Gabe,” Madison sang and wiggled her fingers at him, skipping over to loop her arm through his. “What are you doing here?”
Gabe pulled away from her and I rea
ched out to take his hand. “I’d like you to meet Gabe again because, he was, and still is my boyfriend.”
Derek laughed. And then he looked between us and down at our joined hands and his face reddened with anger.
“But he’s just a boy!” Mother exclaimed.
“I’m hardly a boy, Mrs Greer,” Gabe started to say, but Derek cut him off.
“Seriously, Lauren?” he yelled at me. “Him? You’re fucking him?”
“Language!” Dad yelled. “No one will speak in such a way about my daughter when I am present.”
The corner of Morgan’s mouth started to twitch.
“You can have more children,” Mother implored, ripping my hand away from Gabe and dragging me over to Derek. “Look at him,” she said.
I looked up at Derek’s flashing eyes and winced.
“Mother, please,” I said, the tears beginning to well again.
“I’m sorry you lost the baby, Lauren, but you can try again. You and Derek can work through this.”
Tears and sadness mixed with anger swelled in my chest and I exploded. “Don’t you get it?” I yelled at my mother. “It wasn’t just the baby that died, it was part of me too!”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Lauren.”
“I’m broken.” I sobbed. “I can’t have children and Derek wants children. His own children. That’s the reason he left in the first place, that’s the reason he turned to the man-stealing-bitch. I can’t ever give him children.”
I ran from the room, leaving a dazed Gabe behind me. He didn’t need this. He didn’t need this introduction to my parents, my family, my brokenness. But in that moment, all the feelings that I had pushed down, returned with a vengeance. The pain. The guilt. The darkness. I ran into my room and slammed the door shut, falling onto my bed and letting the sobs spill out.
My door creaked open seconds later and the bed dipped with the weight of someone sitting on the edge. Gentle hands skimmed across my hair and pulled me from the bed, enveloping me in strong arms and shushing me gently.
“Lauren,” Gabe said. “Lauren, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
But the tears wouldn’t stop and the sobs kept escaping, violently ripping themselves from my throat.
“I’m sorry,” I finally managed to stammer.
Gabe held me close, his chin resting on the top of my head. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he assured me.
“This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Gabe said softly and chuckled a little. “I thought it could have been a lot worse. Neither Derek nor your dad tried to punch me. That’s got to be some sort of a bonus.”
I let out a half laugh, half sob and sat up on the bed, drawing my knees to my chest.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked.
“I’m not even sure myself,” I said, my mind going back to the time I had tried to block out. I swallowed deeply and closed my eyes. “I went into labour early, the baby was distressed and there were complications during the caesarean. The doctor told me later that my likelihood of getting pregnant again had been dramatically reduced. I had what they called an inhospitable womb.” I spoke quickly, the words rushing from my mouth in a hurry to be heard. It was painful going back there and the words burned in my throat. But they needed to be said. Gabe had to know what he was getting himself into.
Gabe moved up to sit behind me on the bed and held my hand in his, stroking his thumb in a circular motion over the soft flesh of my wrist.
I took a shaky breath and continued. “When I fell pregnant it was such a shock. Derek was so happy and I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to have kids. I wasn’t ready to settle down. Even though we never planned to have children in our twenties, the possibility of a child pleased Derek so much, I couldn’t tell him how I truly felt. I resented the fact that I was pregnant. And then—” My voice tightened with emotion. “When everything started going wrong and the baby was in distress, I felt like it was all my fault. The baby knew deep down that it wasn’t wanted and God cursed me for it.” I stopped to draw in a deep breath, the burning sensation in the back of my throat intensifying. “The doctors had to perform an emergency C-section. I don’t remember all that much, I think I blocked it out. But I remember the bed being wheeled into the operating room, I remember the lights shining down on me and the strange sensation as they cut my stomach open. It was weird. It didn’t hurt but I felt all of it, the tugging, the pulling, the pressure when the baby was finally out. And then I started to feel faint. The light was too bright, the doctors spoke quickly and urgently, the tightness on my arm from the blood pressure machine increased to a point where it was extremely painful and that’s all I remember. The pressure. The pain. Then nothing. When I woke up later, the doctor explained what had happened but I just remember watching his mouth flap open and shut and not hearing a word he said.” Gabe put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close as my voice faded to a whisper. “It was Derek who told me we had lost the baby. He wanted to try again and because of the guilt I felt, I agreed. We tried and tried but I never fell pregnant. I can’t. Instead, he turned to her and she did.” A choked splutter of laughter shot out of me. “Well, I guess, as it turned out, she didn’t either.”
Gabe held me tight as the tears fell. I clutched onto him desperately, drawing all the strength I could from him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said finally.
“You didn’t need to,” he whispered. “It was up to you to tell me when you were ready. Nobody but you could know when that was."
“And you don’t hate me?”
“Why would I hate you?”
“Because I’m broken.”
Gabe tilted my chin so I was looking at him. “You, Lauren Greer, are not broken. I fell in love with you. You,” he emphasised. “Not your baby-making abilities.”
“But—” I protested.
Gabe held a finger to my mouth. “But nothing,” he said.
We sat in silence until there was a knock on the door and Morgan’s voice called out, “Are you okay, L?”
“I don’t want to face them,” I said to Gabe.
Gabe reached down and wiped away the single tear rolling down my cheek. “Then we’ll face them together.”
About the Author
Sabre Rose is an author from the deep south of New Zealand.
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Sneak Peek
Keep reading for a sneak peek at the first two chapters of book two in the Thornton Brothers Series.
Tempted - Chapter 1
GABE
Facing Lauren’s family was terrifying. They looked at me with hatred, as though it were my fault, not theirs, that Lauren’s face was stained with tears. I clasped her hand and drew her close to me, trying to protect her from the daggers shooting from the eyes of her mother. Her ex-fiancé, Derek, thankfully, had left when we came out of her room. Morgan started towards us, arms held open, ready to embrace her sister, but Lauren stepped closer to me, her fingers digging into my flesh viciously like she was afraid of what would happen if she let go. Lauren’s mother was seated at the kitchen table, pancakes burning on the stove. Her eyes flicked up when we entered the room, but she didn’t move to comfort her daughter.
I wanted to wrap Lauren in my arms and take her away.
Thankfully, Lauren’s niece, Madison, was nowhere to be seen. Her father, Alistair, must have removed her from the house. Part of me felt sorry for the girl having to spend Christmas this way.
“Lauren.” Mr Greer stepped towards his daughter and Lauren’s grip on my hand loosened just a little. “Why didn’t you tell us?” He walked over and tipped Lauren’s chin so she looked him in the eye.
Lauren drew in a ragged breath. “I-I didn’t know how
. I knew that you wanted children for me and I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
Tears welled in Mr Greer’s eyes and he reached out to take Lauren’s hand from mine, his eyes searching for permission. I let go and Lauren stepped into her father’s arms, a fresh wave of tears running down her cheeks.
“Listen to me,” her father said, holding her close and stroking the hair which fell in waves down her back. “You could never ever disappoint me. Ever,” he said with certainty, although his voice was choked with tears. “Your mother and I love you no matter what. You must always remember that. And if this man,” he paused and looked over to me. “If this is the man who makes you happy then I will welcome him with open arms. I will do whatever it takes to see you happy, Lauren. That’s all I want. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
A choked sob escaped from Lauren and she wrapped her arms around her father, squeezing tightly. Morgan walked over and joined them, all three with tears glistening in their eyes. Lauren’s mother got up from the table and walked out of the room. Mr Greer stepped away from his girls and smiled as widely as his tears would allow. “Never mind your mother,” he said. “She’s always been slow to adjust to change. Let me talk to her.” He released Lauren and Morgan and followed his wife out of the room.
Morgan immediately walked over and embraced me. “Thank you,” she said solemnly.
I laughed a little, unsure what she was referring to, unsure of anything to do with the situation.
“Thank you for loving my sister.” She stepped back and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“It’s not hard,” I said, my eyes drifting over to Lauren whose actions mimicked her sisters.
Even with tears in her eyes and mascara staining the skin of her cheekbones, she was breathtakingly beautiful. It astounded me that she couldn’t see it. I’m not sure what she saw when she looked into the mirror, but I knew it wasn’t what I saw. Sometimes I wished I could let her look at herself through my eyes. Then, she wouldn’t see someone who was broken. She wouldn’t see the age gap between us. She wouldn’t see the scar on her stomach or the stretch marks that finely brushed her breasts. She would see perfection. She would see someone who had lived. Someone who had grown from life. Someone who had been through hell but was still standing strong.