The Crush Collision

by Danielle Ellison

  “Go ahead,” I say. “I’m ready.”

  “For what?”

  “The general you shouldn’t drink so much Jake blah, blah, blah.”

  “I wasn’t going to say anything,” she says.

  “Right.”

  Her nose scrunches up. “I’m serious. I was wondering how you drink that stuff. It’s so gross.”

  I almost laugh. I can’t imagine that. “How would you know? I’ve never seen you drink anything.”

  “I drink.” I raise an eyebrow at her. “Sometimes.” I shake my head. “Once or twice.”

  Okay, that’s more believable. “That’s what I thought. Maybe you should do something crazy, Other Howell.”

  Her eyes light up when I say it. I know I’ve stepped into something.

  Haley slowly unfolds herself from the couch. Her eyes sparkle, and I’d never really noticed how much they seem to dance in her happiness. What are they like when they’re sad? Angry? Lost? I hope I never see that, but I also want to see everything. The blanket falls from her legs. Her shorts are pink and high on her thighs, and then I look up because I shouldn’t even be looking at her legs.

  “What if I don’t always want to play it safe?” she asks. My heart races, and my eyes wander across her body. Focus. “I want to do it, Jake. Something crazy. More than one thing, lots of things.”

  “I’m not following…”

  She exhales and then grabs my arm by the wrist. “I want you to make me try things that I wouldn’t normally try. I want to prove to myself that I can do other things, that I can take risks and have fun.”

  “You want me to give you risk lessons?”

  “Yes! Exactly,” she says.

  Part of me likes the idea of hanging out with her. Showing her new things, being a friend to her. It could be good to have someone else, and I need someone else. Someone who doesn’t know every piece of my life. But at the same time, she’s Howell’s twin sister. The other part of me feels like I should shut it down right now and not get involved with her at all. In any way.

  “Like what kind of shit? Dangerous? Big? New and strange?” I am a glutton for punishment.

  She’s smiling again, and she does that a lot. At me? Or just because? Shake that off, Jake. “All of the above. Everything. Anything,” she says.

  “Why?”

  She blinks like she didn’t expect me to ask. “Why what?”

  I want it to be me, though. I can’t explain why, but I still have to ask. I need to understand it. She’s already pretty awesome, so what does she want to prove?

  “Why me? Why do you want to do this?” I ask with a shrug. “It seems odd, and there are a bunch of people besides me that you could turn to.”

  Haley leans back against the couch, obviously deflated a little. It’s not fun to watch. I take another sip of my beer because this is what I do: I break things. I ruin people’s dreams. Why not Other Howell, too? All I would do is corrupt her anyway.

  “You’re honestly the only person who doesn’t expect me to be something else. Like, who am I to you, really, besides Chris’s sister?” Haley stops with a pause. A long one.

  A lot, I want to say, or you could be a lot. A lot of things I didn’t expect. But maybe not. I don’t know what I’m even doing right now.

  She continues. “So there’s no expectation on me to be something else or do something a certain way. I like that dynamic. You challenge me, you always do. I need someone to push me, and I guess I think that’s you.” She sits up more confidently, wiping some hair away from her face. “Why do I want to do this? Well, it’s senior year, and what have I done? Nothing. I want to do something important for myself at least.”

  We’re both quiet, the sound of the movie still in the background. The pretty prom queen crying over some bullshit about how no one knows how hard it is for her, to have to pretend she’s someone she’s not so that she can make it through. I think we all relate to her more than we want to admit. Isn’t that what I’m fighting for? Doesn’t Haley get that, too?

  “Nothing’s off-limits?”

  “I mean, nothing appropriate is off-limits.”

  “Describe appropriate,” I say, and she tosses a throw pillow at my face. “I was kidding. Lighten up. You really are a Howell.”

  “I don’t want to be a Howell. Not in that way.”

  “I hear you.”

  This could be fun. I could at least take her on a few adventures, let her try something new. I can do that.

  “Okay, sure. I’ll do it.”

  She extends her hand officially, and I take it in mine and give it a shake. It sends this surprise chill down my spine, and when her hand isn’t touching me again, I want it to be. Weird.

  Haley smiles. “Great. This is fantastic.”

  I nod, still not sure what this sensation is. Maybe I drank too many beers or developed a new gluten allergy overnight. I look back at the screen to see the whiny girl talking at the leather jacket boy.

  “What’s not fantastic is this movie. This movie does not take risks.”

  “It’s all about risks.”

  “Not unless they’re risking how they will survive without whining,” I say.

  She tosses me the remote. “Then show me the way.”

  “You sure? This is your favorite.”

  “Yeah, I don’t wanna miss a teachable moment from the risk master.”

  “I kinda like that title,” I say with a smile. I scroll through the menu until we find a Van Damme movie. “Now this is about taking risks.”

  “I actually love this movie.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah,” she says.

  “I didn’t take you for an action movie girl.”

  “You don’t know me that well,” she says.

  “Apparently not,” I say back. Her eyes are already glued to the screen while mine are on her. She and I quote one of the lines at the same time, and she smiles over at me. Her whole face lights up when she does, and it stirs something inside me. A feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time. Happiness.

  Before – Haley

  “Wait for me!” I call, running after Chris and Jake as they climb up into the treehouse. Daddy built it for both of us, but when Jake is around, Chris doesn’t want me to play with them.

  “No girls allowed, Haley,” my brother calls, already halfway up the tree.

  I cross my arms. “I’ll tell Mommy!”

  “Tattletale,” he calls.

  Jake pokes his head out of the treehouse window. “Just let her come.” I look up at him, and he smiles through the window. “For a girl, she’s not that bad.”

  We’re eleven today. Mom and Dad threw us a party at the lake with swimming and bounce houses, so all the kids in our grade can come. Mom let me invite Abby, who is my best friend even though she’s a grade behind me.

  “Haley,” she starts. Abby has this really concerned look on her face. “Are you having fun?”

  I look around the party, and yeah, all the kids came, but they’re playing more with Chris and his friends in the jumpy house than me. I have Abby, and that’s all I really wanted, but this is his party.

  “Can we go do something else?”

  Abby smiles. “We can do whatever you want. It’s your birthday.”

  We end up inside, watching TV together with a hoard of cake and food. Abby paints my fingernails a sparkly blue, which is better than her bright pink. We’re laughing over the show and some guy who rolled down a hill into a pit when the door opens.

  Jake Lexington is standing there, interrupting my birthday. He says hi and looks between us at the TV screen. “I love this show. Can I watch with you?”

  “Yeah,” I say, so he sits down right beside me. Abby is staring at him, and usually she’s so talkative but right now she’s really quiet. “You don’t want to be at the party outside?”

  “Don’t you? It’s your birthday, too.”

  I shrug. “This is more fun.”

  “I agree,” Jake says. And he sits t
here with us, watching the show.

  At one point he reaches over to a piece of cake, puts a candle in it, and moves it in front of me. “Make a wish,” he says.

  “It’s not lit.”

  He shrugs. “Make a pretend wish.”

  So I do.

  Chapter Ten

  Jake

  The pre-game energy in the locker room is buzzing. This is what we’ve been preparing for, and now it’s time. Even though it’s an away game, it’s over in Lane, so most of the town is going to be there. Everyone is sure we’ll win, though Coach likes to tell us not to get cocky or we can get in our own way. The team is ready, and the game starts in five minutes.

  Last year, when we were here, Jamie was with us. He and Howell were co-captains. Even though he wasn’t the QB, he was the heart. We stood in this spot, and now he will never stand again. That shit is too real.

  Coach comes up to me. “You okay, son?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You’re going to go out there, and we’re all going to play for him. Every game.”

  “Yes sir,” I say.

  Coach Tucker nods at me. “You want to start it?”

  I smile a little. I don’t, not really, but I have to for the team and for myself and for Jamie.

  “Yes, sir,” I say.

  He nods, and then a few seconds later, we all take a knee to pray. Coach always prays over us before a game, for wisdom, for strength, and for safety. When everyone says “amen,” I jump up on a bench. The rest of the team looks at me because we all know what’s about to come. I nod to Coach, clear my throat, and start to sing, if you can call it that, with the music. “The truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought that music mattered.”

  The guys are all bobbing their heads, the energy in the room piercing through everything. Once I get to the next line, the chorus starts, and everyone is shout-singing about getting knocked down, but getting up again. “You’re never gonna keep me down.”

  This started two years ago when Jamie played it from his phone. I guess he didn’t know the others could hear. When the chorus started, every fucker on this team jumped in, and now it’s what we do before each game. I know. It’s “Tubthumping,” and there’s no real reason that any of us should sing it, but that’s what makes it great. It doesn’t have to have a reason. We’re a team. We’re all jumping around, shout-singing this song, and Coach watches us with a smile. Coach doesn’t sing. Sometimes he bobs his head, though. By the end of the season, we’re all done with this song, but right now it’s godlike.

  Through the second chorus about pissing the night away, I see a couple of the guys touch the small number 5 on their shoulders. The whole team added his number to the jerseys this year, as if I needed another reminder. Howell wraps his arms around my shoulder as we all keep singing, and for a second, it feels like anything is possible.

  As the song ends, Coach shouts over us all to go kick some ass, and together, we run onto the field.

  The bleachers are full. Culler Knights blue and gold on one side, Haymont Hound red on the other. The cheerleaders are already at it, along with the crowd, and we can hear the roar as Howell leads us through the game day banner. This is what I live for. This right here.

  The team huddles up, and Coach calls us the first play. We take the field, and I nod at Howell. I’ve got him out here, just like he’s got me everywhere else. I will do whatever I can to protect Howell on this turf, the way I didn’t protect Jamie off of it.

  We win the coin toss. The rest of the world fades away as the ref’s whistle blows and the ball is passed. As soon as the clock starts, everything disappears. The past, the mistakes, Jamie, my guilt. It doesn’t exist here; this is my escape.

  We win, to no one’s surprise, 56-21. The bus is loud and packed with the team, all of the guys on a high from the win. I’m exhausted but too awake to sleep. That’s what happens on game nights.

  I have texts from Jamie.

  Great interception.

  Look at you running, bro! You’re on fire.

  Picked up that blitz like a pro

  Good save on Howell

  They took you for a trick there in the 3rd

  Great game Jake!

  I read all his comments and then text him back. Thanks, bro. I can’t believe you watched it

  Not the same as being there but still fun.

  It’s a nice start to the season.

  Good job.

  I learned it all from running away from you

  Shit. I didn’t mean to say that. Three dots appear and then go away. Sorry.

  I could still outplay you even in this chair

  Damn right.

  Then we both stop texting.

  The team is being loud, and I want to tune it all out. I want to tune everything out. I shove some earbuds in my ears, but instead of playing music, I look at Instagram. There Haley is, smiling at the camera, catching the other cheerleaders and the crowd on video. There’s another one of me running down the field and her screaming my name. Something about it, about her.

  I text her before I can tell myself not to. Pizza?

  I’m not even sure why I’m asking. The Howells always get pizza and invite us over after the game. It’s a weekly tradition, but I want to make sure she’s there.

  She responds almost immediately. You know it. Great game! and then a unicorn emoji.

  What is that?

  A unicorn. She sends the emoji again.

  I know. I meant why are you sending me unicorns?

  Because.

  That’s not a reason.

  I don’t need one. Unicorn again.

  See you later.

  I put my phone away as Howell sits next to me. “Dude, we killed that.”

  “We stomped them,” I say. I love winning. I know the passion is in playing the game, but it’s way more rewarding with a big W beside it.

  “You were on fire tonight,” Howell says, pulling out his headphones.

  I nod. “First game back, I had a lot of pent-up energy. We gotta start strong.”

  “And we did,” Howell says.

  My phone buzzes again, but I don’t want to look at it in case he sees it’s Haley. How would I explain that I’m texting his sister?

  I think I missed something else he said, because he gives me a questioning look. “You all right?”

  I nod and give him a fist bump. “Yeah man, cloud nine.”

  I ignore the feeling that’s building up in my stomach. Mostly because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it.

  We pull up at the Howells’ and before we’re even out of the car, I see it and tense up. My brother’s portable wheelchair ramp has been added to their front porch. Jamie is here, too. He doesn’t go a lot of places anymore, so this is huge.

  I want to see him, but I almost don’t want to. How can I be happy celebrating one of the things he lost? He must feel the same way, because he doesn’t smile unless someone looks at him. Haley catches my eye from across the room. I kinda wish all these other people weren’t here right now.

  Everyone is raving about the game when he finally speaks.

  “It was a great game to watch, even though it wasn’t in person.” He shoots me this look, and I can’t figure out what it means. Did he want to be there with us watching from the stands? I start to ask, but Dr. Howell interrupts the moment.

  “Let’s eat. I’m sure you boys are starving.”

  My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I look while they pass around pizza.

  Remember to breathe.

  Haley is looking at me, and I send her a nod. Thanks. I’ll do my best.

  **unicorn emoji.

  I let out a small laugh, and Haley smiles at me from over her phone. Jamie looks between us, and I feel judgement in his gaze so I slip my phone away. He smirks at me, but neither of us talk about it.

  At least not until we get home.

  “Really?” Jamie asks as soon as we’re in the front door.

&nbs
p; “What?”

  He laughs. “Bro, don’t play dumb with me.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Haley Howell is way off-limits. She’s your best friend’s sister.”

  I shrug it off. “I know who she is, and I don’t like Haley in that way.” Jamie is right—she’s off-limits. No drama for the team, and no problems with Howell. Even if I do kinda like her smile and how funny she is and how much we have in common. But there’s really nothing going on, so it doesn’t matter.

  “Be careful. Haley is nice and good.”

  “Why are you telling me all this, Jamie?”

  He shrugs. “I love you, bro, but you’re not exactly the pillar of nice and good.”

  I flip him off, and he laughs, but he’s not wrong. We both know he’s not. Hell, this whole town knows he’s not.

  “Well then it’s good there’s nothing going on with me and Haley Howell.”

  Except maybe this tiny part of me does hope, a little bit. Maybe.

  I pull myself out of bed and to the Community Center. I’m supposed to be there at nine, but it’s 9:15 when I arrive. Hopefully they won’t dock me too much for it since we won the game last night.

  Haley’s water bottle is sitting by the check-in computer, so she’s here somewhere. I scan the room but I don’t see her. I see Seth, though, that kid from last time, sitting alone at a table reading.

  “What’s up, man?” I ask and take a seat next to him. The kid looks up at me and back down to his comic. Batman. Nice choice. He looks at me but doesn’t say anything. “You didn’t want to go outside?”

  There’s an instructor doing activities with the kids on the outdoor greenery. It’s the fourth floor, but they’ve made a sort of small, walled-in oasis.

  He shakes his head. “Not really. It’s hot.”

  “Yeah, it is. I feel the same way when I’m out at practice.”

  “At practice for what?”

  “Football.”

  He looks at me and his eyes light up, a big smile on his face. “I love football!”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, my brother and I watch it every week together. I love the Panthers.”