A Holland and a Fighter

by Lori L. Otto

  Frowning, my eyes begin to water. “That hurts… a lot. I promise to be better. To show him in more ways how proud of him I truly am.”

  “I know he would like that.” She smiles and pats my shoulder. “So that’s why I’m telling you right now that you have to let me finish this laundry… don’t tell him you had anything to do with this. He’d be mortified.”

  “It’s just… laundry. You think I’d ever care that my brother didn’t do his laundry?”

  “It’s the one thing Callen’s tried to get him to do. One… small… task. And he hasn’t been able to. It’s a sore subject for him. He won’t care if I did it, though. I used to do it all the time, and I talk to him all the time about his insecurities. But if he knew you did this, he’d be really ashamed of his inability to wash their clothes. Trust me.”

  I understand what she’s saying. “That’s fine. I had to put Willow’s tee in there. That’s what started this in the first place. She smudged it with chocolate.”

  “Perfect excuse for me to use,” Coley says brightly. “I’ll take it from here.”

  “Again, thank you.”

  I run into Max and Callen in the hallway. “How’s the breeze up there?” I ask, pointing to the rooftop?

  “Can’t you tell?” Max asks, messing up Callen’s already wind-blown hair as he quickly moves past me on his way into the loft.

  “It’s a little cold,” his partner answers. “You want the key?”

  “Yeah, if you don’t mind. Is it still sleeting?”

  “No, but it’s slippery up there.”

  Before I head up, I return to Matty’s to check on Luca and the girls. He’s only in his diaper and his sweater, but it looks like Edie and Willow did a good job of changing him. Still, he’s fussy–undoubtedly because he’s cold.

  “Bunny, where are his pants and socks?”

  “That was Willow’s job. I did the rest.”

  I see his clothes lying on Matty’s bed and take him from his swing to finish dressing him. “Girls, come here,” I say sternly, but quietly.

  My youngest bounces too hard on the bed, forcing me to catch Luca before he goes flying in the air. My heart is racing as I hold him close.

  “Willow!” Edie says.

  “Sorry! I didn’t mean to.”

  “Girls, you were both so good this morning, and I thought we were going to have a really great Thanksgiving day together, and so far, I’ve caught you both eating snacks before lunch, you watching YouTube,” I tell Edie, “and you didn’t finish putting clothes on your little brother… and then you tried to catapult him to god knows where… you have to be more cautious, Wils. He’s a tiny baby…”

  “I said I was sorry.”

  “Yeah, well sorry doesn’t fix broken bones… or worse, right?” She shrugs her shoulders. “The answer is no.”

  “No,” she says.

  I swallow. “Your mom would be disappointed.” I hate to say it and I don’t mean to be manipulative. It’s just a fact that they have to face. They never would have acted like this with her here. “I can’t be everywhere at once, okay? I can’t keep a constant eye on all three of you, so I expect you to act like the proper young ladies your mother raised you to be–especially you, Edie. You have to set the example for your sister. Do you understand?”

  Willow’s attention still seems to be elsewhere, as I’m sure she’s on a sugar high from who knows how many treats she snuck in. Edie, on the other hand, looks somber.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy.” She gives me a hug. “I miss Mama.”

  “I know, sweetheart. I miss her, too.”

  “Sorry, Daddy,” Willow says flippantly as she runs off to the kitchen where Will is trying to keep an eye on the food with Joel while Shea takes a break to feed Charlie.

  Now that I know the bed is safe, I put Luca back down, finish dressing him and loosely wrap a light blanket around him. I return him to the swing next to Nolan, where he’s snug and happy again. “I’m going up to the roof,” I tell him.

  “Daddy, can I go?” Edie asks me softly, tugging on my sweater.

  “Bundle up–and put on your boots. Uncle Callen said it’s slippery. Matty, can you make sure Willow stays inside your apartment and doesn’t have any more sugar. No desserts, sodas… nothing.”

  “Buzzkill much?” he teases. “Consider it done.”

  I look at him seriously. “Don’t be the cool uncle and do it anyway. I mean it.”

  “So, don’t cave to her like I always did with Liv… even though she has the same genes and can tug on my heartstrings the same exact way… that’s what you’re saying?”

  I look at Nolan. “Can I put you in charge instead?”

  “Absolutely. Matty can keep an eye on Luca.”

  Matty switches seats with his husband.

  “Give Luca whatever he wants,” I instruct. “We need him to gain weight.”

  “Done and done.”

  After putting on own my coat and zipping up Edie’s, we both borrow ski caps from the uncles to keep our heads warm. Once we’ve made it to the rooftop, I ask my daughter to hold my hand and walk slowly, realizing that the thin layer of snow is covering another layer of ice beneath it.

  “Just follow in my footsteps,” I tell her.

  Past the waterfall, I forgo the rock walkway that leads to the tree that was given to Livvy and me for our wedding and step in the fresh snow that covers the dirt around it. I know the rocks will be too slick for us. Once my feet are firmly planted, I reach for Edie and help her find a place near the tree below me.

  The trunk is much wider than it was when we received the young sapling nearly ten years ago. I remember that we had it planted before we bought furniture for ourselves once we moved back to Manhattan from Brazil.

  “Mama was still pregnant with you when we planted this tree. Can you believe that?”

  Edie shakes her head.

  “Did you have something to say to her?”

  “Like what?” she asks.

  “You tell her why you love her.”

  “Out loud?”

  “You’re supposed to talk to the tree. The carbon dioxide is good for it.”

  “Can I whisper?”

  I look at her and smile. “Sure. Go right ahead.”

  As she cups her hands around her mouth, I find the spot I’d carved into the tree last month for our 10th anniversary. We were supposed to do it together–it was always the plan–but as I’ve learned, plans change. Knocking away the snow, I trace the initials of her name. I’d fretted over how to carve them. O for Olivia? Or L for Livvy? I opted for the O because I remember how she used to melt in my arms when I’d speak that one word. If I added it to the phrase “I love you,” she’d do anything I asked.

  “Do you mind if I talk while you’re telling your secrets?” I ask my daughter.

  She shakes her head, looking up at me curiously.

  “I’m sorry it’s been awhile,” I start. “I know Isaiah said to come daily, and when we moved, we vowed to come weekly… and we had stuck by that for the most part, on our own time. It’s been harder without you here, Liv. Olivia. Don’t think I love you any less, and I hope it has no negative effect on our tree. Maybe you can watch over it from… where you are.” I look up and smile, feeling her everywhere right now. “The holidays are hard, baby. Breaking traditions. Making new ones. I don’t want to forget how we used to do things… but I can’t keep up with our pace, either. We were rock star parents; did you know that?” I laugh. “Maybe it was all you. I’m sure it was all you. I realize now how much I relied on you to raise our girls while I was working. I know it felt natural for us. I know it was the way we wanted it without ever discussing it, but… I still feel like I should have done more for you. And I wonder if my absence in the everyday took a toll on your heart in some way.

  “Your parents would tell me it wasn’t my fault, but I will always bear some blame for this, no matter what they say, or doctors say… or what you would tell me if you were here to speak to me no
w. I loved every moment of my life with you, Liv. And right now, I intend to live it as if you were still here, as my wife… because it’s the only way I can come to terms with who I am as a man. Jon Scott became the person he is today because of Livvy Holland. I owe my life to you.

  “I love how you brought up our girls… even when they frustrate the hell out of me. I love that when I’m angry at them, I look in their eyes and see you… and immediately soften… and return to a giant puddle of mush that can only hope to remember what it was like to be the disciplinarian… the bad cop. I’m sucking at bad cop these days… because they miss their good cop, and I’m a sorry excuse for one. They’d be the first to tell you that.

  “They probably have told you that.”

  “Daddy, you don’t suck,” Edie says, interrupting me. “And please don’t cry.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Once I’m certain of my footing, I lean down to hug her tightly.

  “Your tears might freeze.”

  I laugh and nod. “They might,” I agree. I stand back up to finish, but Edie slips her hand in mine and doesn’t let go. “And along with the girls, I love you for giving me Luca… I hope I make you proud with… how I raise them. I’ll always do it the way we talked about. The way we planned. I won’t stray from that. Everything I do will be in your honor, baby.

  “Just like we said. Always. Everywhere. I meant it. I love you.”

  “I love you, Mama.” I put my hand on Edie’s shoulder, holding onto her as she carefully steps back onto the concrete. She turns back around before I’m on solid ground. “I love you, too, Daddy.”

  “I love you, bunny.” I hug her again. “Thanks for being strong… so strong, like your mom. It helps me out more than you’ll ever know.”

  “I’m glad,” she says, her eyes wide. “But Daddy? I’m freezing.”

  “I am, too. Let’s get inside and grab another cup of cocoa… okay–no, slowly!” I call after her as she slides on her boots toward the door.

  “I’m fine!”

  She’s brave, just like her mom, too. As much as it scares me, I’m grateful she is.

  Chapter 34

  Pacing back and forth through the foyer at the Holland brownstone, I try Callen’s phone again. “Man, where are you guys? All the cars are here… I’m out of excuses for Trey. He’s holding it together, but I’m not sure how. I guess he has other things on his mind, but you two have to get here, like… now. Seriously. Everyone else is waiting.”

  After checking my watch for the third time in less than two minutes, I head downstairs to the basement to check on the boys. Two of Livvy’s cousins had agreed to keep an eye on Luca and Charlie today at the wedding, and they need to get going. It’s just hard to let my son go, even if I’ve known these women, their husbands and their families for years.

  “Lex, Jackie… Kyle’s waiting.” I take Luca into my arms one last time and walk back up the stairs with him. Will follows us, carrying Charlie in his car seat.

  “You be good today, Champ,” I tell him. “Daddy will see you at the church.”

  “He’ll be fine, Jon,” Lexi assures me.

  “I know.” I secure him in his seat, and the four of us venture outdoors to meet their husbands, who are waiting in an SUV with darkened windows–a rental for the day. As soon as we step out the front door, we’re greeted with gasps and squeals, as if they don’t see us every day on the streets of Manhattan.

  “You look so hot, Will!” a woman yells.

  After a few seconds, someone else adds that I do, too.

  “A pity compliment,” my brother teases me as we both secure our children into the backseat of the SUV.

  “You don’t have to tell me.”

  “At least you shaved,” he says, shrugging at me. “I think you look hot,” he assures me with a smirk.

  “Screw you,” I mutter, just before kissing my son goodbye.

  Another commotion outside the car begins to bubble up. After I shut the door, I see Max and Callen emerging from the Tesla down the street.

  “Finally,” I sigh.

  Callen’s fully dressed; Max has his pants and dress shirt on. He’s wearing his trademark Vans and is holding his jacket over his head, as if he’s hiding from the crowd. His partner guides him through the closed-off street toward me as people cheer at the sight of the two of them. Livvy was the city’s favorite, but Max and Callen, as a pair, have always been a close second.

  When Max reaches me, I put my arm around him and take over for Callen, leading my little brother into the house. He tosses his jacket onto the back of the couch as soon as the door closes, and he shuts his eyes, digging the base of his palms into the sockets of them. I can tell he’s stressed out.

  “Hey, buddy, just tell me what you need, and I’ll get it for you. Anything.”

  “I’m good,” he says, his breathing uneven. He pulls his hands away suddenly. “Where’s T?”

  “He’s in the study.”

  He nods and walks there quickly. Callen, Will and I follow him in, where Nyall and Joel are quietly playing on their phones and Jack is talking to Trey, making his son laugh.

  “Fuck, I am so sorry, T.” Max barges in.

  “Mascot, don’t worry,” he says, shaking his head and removing his hand from his pocket. They start to do the handshake they’d been doing since they were kids, but my brother stops, mid-arm-bump, and throws his arm around his best friend.

  “I should have been here earlier. All day. I fucked up, Trey. Like… Jon should be your best man. Or... Joel… or…” We all stand back, watching the exchange between the two of them.

  “What? No!” Trey scoffs. “Did you think I needed you here to help me dress?” he asks. “Or to keep me from backing out of this wedding?” He shakes his head. “I’m good. I’m set, man. I’m just glad you’re here now, and I’m happy you’ll be standing next to me at the church, as a witness to our vows. I mean, no one’s closer to us than you are.” Trey pats Max’s good shoulder. “No one.”

  My brother sighs and looks down at the floor, but Trey picks his chin up, forcing Max’s attention back to him. I can see him studying his eyes.

  “You okay?” Trey asks, his gaze drifting to Callen momentarily for his response.

  “I’m… I’m… yeah,” Max answers.

  “He’s fine, T,” Callen says.

  “I promise you, Trey. The crowds were…” I don’t have to guess what’s going on, but it doesn’t make me any less sad. He’s somehow medicated. Will puts his hand on my shoulder.

  “I get it, Mascot. Don’t even…” He hugs him again. “You’re here. You made it here. That means the world to me and Coley. I know this isn’t easy.”

  “But I’m perfectly… capable... of everything. I’ve even got the rings.” He pats his shirt. “Oh, fuck.”

  “I have them,” Callen says. “I got them out of his jacket when he took it off earlier. I’ll pass them off when we make it to the church.”

  Max’s face blossoms into a bright red when he turns around, and I do notice a strange look to his eyes. He’s definitely high. I make sure to keep my face unchanged, not wanting him to feel judged in any way. “Callen would be a great best man,” he offers, clearly disappointed in himself.

  “You’re not shirking your duties. Never in my life was there another choice for my best man. You’re it. Sorry. And, look, I don’t care how you get to the church… to the front of the aisle, even. Just make sure you’re there with me, and we’re good. Cal, if you guys want to go separa–”

  “We’re fine,” Callen interjects, and Max agrees. “Let’s do it–the way we’ve planned.”

  “All right, then. Dad, can you show everyone else to the stretch?” Jack nods, giving his son one last hug. As we follow my father-in-law out the door, Trey puts his arm around Max, and I hear him declare, “It’s just me and you, then.”

  “Don’t forget your jacket on the couch, babe!” Callen yells to him from the doorway.

  “Thanks!” my brother responds.


  As we all settle into the long limousine, Jack and I sit across from each other. Nyall and Joel are deeply entrenched in their own ASL conversation, and Callen reaches across to adjust Will’s crooked tie, so I engage in some small talk with my father-in-law. “I thought Emi would be here with you.”

  “She wanted to be with the girls,” he tells me. “Thought she’d be too emotional with Jackson and embarrass him. She had breakfast with him, though. We all had a good morning together.”

  “Good. I hope my daughters have been behaving. I haven’t heard a word from anyone.”

  “I’m sure they’re doing fine–both of them having their hair and nails and makeup done?”

  “Willow’s not supposed to have any makeup done,” I say. “I only agreed on Edie.”

  “You’ll have to take that up with the women,” he says. “I just know what I’ve been told.”

  “Great…”

  “I’m sure it will be tasteful,” Will says. “Shea and Coley are there, remember? It’s not like the clown college was hired to do the job.”

  “I guess. We’ll see when we get there. Where’s the ring bearer? I thought Hampton was riding with us.”

  “Peron was running late,” my brother tells me. “He’s meeting us there.”

  “I’m so glad we didn’t do a big wedding like this,” I admit. Jack smiles at me; it’s bittersweet. “There’s just too much to coordinate. Liv and I just had to hide everything from you and Em.”

  “That was a great day, too. A beautiful wedding. She was so lovely.”

  “Absolutely, she was.”

  Jack reaches across the limo and takes my hand in his. It’s such an unexpected move that it kind of chokes me up. “She should have been here to see her brother get married.”

  “I know,” I tell him, “but she’s watching. I believe that now. She wouldn’t miss this, Jack.”

  He wipes away a lone tear with his handkerchief and nods. “You’re right. I just wish… you know… I just think about the pictures. The wedding pictures, with the family, and… why didn’t we take more photos as a family, Jon? Do you know we don’t have any with all of us–with your brothers and Shea and Callen… and the girls, and now the babies? How could there be such an oversight?”