“I know. I hate it.” I huffed and folded my arms.
She smiled kindly at me and returned to the discussion at hand. At break time, I stood up to stretch, and Connor touched my arm. “You have plans for lunch?”
I’d hoped to tag along with Tina, but she was already off talking to two older teachers.
“Can I buy you lunch?”
I didn’t answer.
“Please?” He leaned in close, begging me with his eyes. When he was sincere like this, not one ounce of overconfidence in his face or voice, it was impossible to say no.
“Not if it’s a drive-thru,” I said, and he smiled.
“Your choice.”
“And I’m driving this time.” I pointed a warning finger at him: there would be no fooling around in his truck like some sad country song about a girl who kept coming back for more.
We grabbed our things, and he followed me out to my car. It was rare to see him without a baseball cap on, and I found myself staring at him as he fiddled with the seat to adjust it to fit his six-two frame.
“Stop ogling me,” he said, his attention on the seat belt while he buckled it. “Makes me think you only want me for my body.”
“Well, I certainly don’t want you for your sparkling personality.”
“Yeah.” He scratched his cheek, his focus everywhere but on me. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay.” I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot to turn left, acting as if I’d never heard those words before, in that tone. If he was going to tell me he’d made a mistake in kissing me all those times or that he really wanted to keep me as his “friend,” I wasn’t going to give him any more attention than necessary.
Two minutes passed before he spoke again while we were stopped at a red light. “It’s like we’re going around in this circle. And it’s stupid.”
“What do you mean?”
He ran his hand over his hair, going silent again as I made another turn into the little parking lot of the bistro. I parked the car and took a deep breath. If he didn’t have the balls to say something, I would. “Listen, I feel—”
“Let’s stop this fucking runaround.”
“What?” I froze.
“We got something going on here, right?” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “We’re both grown adults, so let’s stop acting like children on the playground.”
“Wow.”
He turned in his seat to face me. “You look confused.”
“Yeah. I’m confused that you’re admitting this to me out loud.”
He smiled, proud of himself, but it slowly melted. “What’s wrong?”
I shrugged, refusing to answer, and fiddled with the two bands on my wrist, my sticky self-esteem and bad history with men rearing its head. But Connor wasn’t as patient as me. He laced his fingers in mine and tugged my arm over, making me raise my eyes to his.
“What is it?”
“We work together. Coach together . . .”
“Yeah, and?”
I sighed. He was really going to make me point out the obvious. “And I’m a football player.”
He rolled his finger in a motion for me to get to the point.
“And you like that?”
He tilted his head playfully. “It’s one of your better qualities, yeah.”
“Is this a trick?” I asked, wondering if he was trying to throw me off my game to somehow steal my job.
He brushed away a few of the hairs that had fallen in my face. “No, it’s not a trick. I like a lot of things about you. Do I need to list them?”
I allowed the smallest of smiles. “It wouldn’t hurt.”
“Well, I’ll start with those tight pants you wear to work out in. I like it when you get all huffy and mad at me with your finger against my chest. And I like it when you kiss me. I think about your lips . . . a lot. More than I should think about another coach’s lips.” He touched the corner of my mouth with the pad of his thumb. “Okay?”
I swallowed thickly. “I think that’s the most words you’ve ever said to me at one time.”
He bent his head toward me conspiratorially. “And what did you think of them?” Stunned into silence, I didn’t answer, and he reached up to take the elastic out of my hair. “Just say it.”
“I didn’t think you’d want me,” I confessed softly after a while.
He brushed that off as if what I’d admitted was dumb. Inevitably, it all came back to a fight. He capped it off with: “Don’t talk stupid.”
“I’m not stupid,” I said, lurching away from him.
He rolled his eyes. “I didn’t say you were stupid. I said, ‘Don’t talk stupid.’ ”
“You are the worst.”
“And you don’t see yourself clearly.”
“And you—”
“Just shut up and kiss me,” he said, grabbing me by my shoulders.
And I did.
I kissed him until there was nothing else to do, nowhere to go. I pulled away from him, both of us breathing hard. “Your truck is much bigger than my car.”
“I didn’t mean to end up like this again.” He pulled at his pants, and when I laughed, he tossed his hands up. “Let’s go. I gotta get out of this tight space. I’ve been walking around with blue balls for a couple weeks now, I don’t need you laughing at me for it.”
“Drama king,” I teased, and got out of the car.
A colorful sign greeted us for the Middle Eastern restaurant. Inside, a handful of tables dotted the small space, and we occupied the solitary one available in the corner by the window. Yara, a young girl I’d come to know, handed us glasses of water.
“Roasted red pepper hummus?” she asked.
“Please. Thank you.”
She smiled and went back to the kitchen.
“You come here a lot?” Connor asked, looking over the small menu.
“Yeah,” I said, pointing to the falafel panini. “That’s my favorite. The family who own this place are from Damascus. Delicious food, good people.”
He nodded as Yara came back with a plate of hummus and pita. Over the past few weeks, I had gotten to know the family pretty well. Enough to know that Alfred had one more semester of community college before he transferred out, and that his mother, Talitha, wasn’t looking forward to her son moving away. And that Yara had had a second date with a guy last weekend.
“So, how was it?” I asked, and she grinned, tossing her dark hair over her shoulder.
“Good. Really good. He’s coming over this weekend to meet the family.”
I put my chin in my hand. “Ooh. That was fast.”
“Well, you know, they need to vet everybody,” she said with a resigned raise of her shoulder, “no matter how quick things are moving. But, yeah, he’s special.”
“That’s exciting. I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks.” Yara’s eyes flitted between me and Connor, inquisitive.
“This is Connor,” I said, gesturing to him. “We . . . work together.”
She smiled at him. “Nice to meet you. I’ll be back in a bit with your food.”
As soon as she’d gone, he mumbled, “Work together, make out in cars, one and the same.”
“That’s how you want me to introduce you from now on? Connor who I make out in cars with?”
He used a piece of pita to scoop up some hummus, avoiding the question.
“You’re going to make me ask?”
He popped more food into his mouth.
“Fine,” I said, irritated. “What is going on between us?”
“That’s up to you.” He gestured to where Yara had stood moments ago. “You’re the one clearly uncomfortable with this, so you tell me what you want it to be.”
I thought about it. “I like being with you.”
“But . . . ?” he intoned, obviously picking up on my hesitation.
“But I’m not sure I want to tell people yet.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I smiled. He smiled, and our e
yes met as he licked a bit of hummus off his thumb. I took my own bite, his eyes going to my mouth, and his words from earlier echoed in my head: I think about your lips . . . a lot.
“I like how you pretend you’re this pearl-clutching lady in white. You curse more than most men I know, and I heard you calling out some especially crude words the other day when I was in the hall.”
“When?” I tried to remember what he was referring to, and snapped my fingers when I got it. “Oh! Sex education week.”
His eyebrows raised. “Week?”
“Yeah, you think I’m going to spend just one class period on STDs and pregnancies? These kids are dumber than rocks when it comes to that stuff.” I had two periods of health this semester, and the bird and the bees were required teaching.
“How’s that working out for you?”
“I’ve got the basics covered. Insert piece A into piece B hasn’t changed, at least I don’t think it has.”
He absently rubbed his palms together the way he would warm them in front of a fire. “Changed?”
I swallowed back my fear. I wouldn’t be a coward. Not when today seemed to be the day we were putting it all out there. “It’s been a while . . . for me . . . with that. . . .” When he covered his smile with his hand, I kicked his shin. “It’s not funny.”
He lowered his hand from his face and dropped it under the table to grab my leg, right under my knee. “You’re right. It’s not. If you’re worried about it, I think I can catch you up.”
“Oh, do you, now?”
His thumb stroked up and down the side of my knee. “I’d do anything for education.”
“If you don’t mind,” I stammered, “I guess that’d be good.”
We gazed at each other, our eyes gleaming with something yet to be experienced between us, his hand on my leg, my own inching across the table for him. My pulse raced. Heart beat erratically. The inferred promise made me overeager. Made me weak.
“How am I going to go back to work now?” I asked, my multiple layers of clothing stifling me. I dragged the top of my zip-up shirt down, revealing an inch or two of my neck and collarbone, and his eyes snagged there.
“My question exactly.”
Yara arrived with our plates of food, leaving almost no room on the table. Connor let go of my leg to eat, and I actually missed the contact, even though we were mere inches apart. The table was so small we were practically eating in each other’s laps, but it wasn’t close enough for me.
While I chowed down on my panini and chips, Connor had ordered some plain chicken with a salad, and I wondered if his diet really did affect his mood. Going without carbs would make me cranky too, but boy, did he look good.
When we finished, Connor kept his hands to himself as we walked back to my car, and after having him to myself in close quarters for thirty minutes, being outside with space between us burst my bubble. Too much air and room to breathe put ideas into my head, like he would only show emotion when we were alone and squeezed together.
“Hey, Charlie,” he said, and I lifted my head, bringing our faces mere inches apart. He slung his arm around my shoulders and kissed my temple. “Thanks for coming to lunch with me.”
I fit well next to him, my head at the right height to lean into his shoulder, and my second thoughts about him disappeared. He opened my door for me, like a well-mannered gentleman, and I let him plug his phone in to cue up his playlist. Like a real couple.
Back at school, we went to the auditorium to sit through Mr. Philander’s PowerPoint about our school’s test scores with the rest of the faculty, but this time it was with the knowledge that Connor and I had turned a corner. No more running in circles. This was a new game. I didn’t know the rules yet, but I sure as hell wanted to play.
CHAPTER
20
Charlie
We were crushing the Patriots from Patrick Henry High, and with one quarter left I put in our second string. Piper and Sonja were in the stands, and I turned at their obnoxious, wild cheering. Piper, decked out in Otters regalia, and Sonja, holding a sign, waved at me. If it were anyone else, I would’ve been mortified, but with my new friends, I filled with love.
Ironically, they were only a few feet away from Mr. Spencer, who couldn’t have been more uncomfortable if he tried. It was almost as if I’d told the girls about him or something. . . .
Connor made his way over to me, stuffing another lollipop in his mouth.
“What did I tell you about those?”
The thing twisted around in his mouth, and he moved his headset microphone away. “I don’t begrudge you playing with the bands on your wrist, do I?”
“Because you can’t hear me doing it.”
He smirked and pulled a small lollipop from his pocket. He glanced down at it. “Cotton candy. Want it?” When I didn’t reach for it, he wiggled it in my face. “It’s sweet. Come on, Coach.”
I grabbed it and in one motion had the wrapper off and the lollipop in my mouth just in time to watch Johnny Heimer score a touchdown. “Yeah, Johnny, yeah!”
The pipsqueak of a sophomore jumped up and down and the other players all ran to him, chest-bumping and high-fiving, but I overheard Brett Spencer on the sideline say something about what a loser he was. I tore my headset off, ready to go after him, but Connor stopped me with a hand on my arm.
He got hold of Spencer’s face mask and dragged him off a few yards to where no one could hear. Brett was tall and muscular, a hell of an athlete, with a great read of the field. Damn shame he had such a piss-poor attitude. Connor spoke to him, his face giving nothing away, but I knew him better than that. I knew by the way his fingers curled at his side that he was on fire. I imagined his voice dangerously low with that acerbic tone.
A minute later, Spencer was at the other end of the sideline and Connor was back at my side.
“What did he say?” I asked.
“He apologized, but he’s going to be staying with me an hour after films tomorrow. He owes the team an extra workout.”
Even though I was satisfied—he’d have Spencer running the bleachers the entire time—something still rankled me. Connor had gotten an apology out of him when I never could. Because of my gender, I was sure. It was good Connor could get to him in that way, but I still resented it.
“Don’t worry,” Connor said. “He’ll be happy he can still flap his gums after I’m done with him.”
We bumped our fists together, the most we’d touched since our lunch on Monday. And with the final seconds winding down, I knew that the time for us to be together inched closer.
“I see you brought your own cheering section with you tonight?” he said, putting his headset in the box after the final buzzer.
“You have yours all the time. I figured I needed one too.”
He waved at his mom and brother before following me over to the fence.
“Hey, girlie!” Piper reached out for a high five. “I don’t get football at all, but that was exciting!”
Sonja hugged me. “Quite a blowout.”
“The scores aren’t usually like that. And our record is only four and two now.”
“Four and two is great,” Sonja said, pushing my shoulder hard enough that I fell off-balance.
“Not perfect.”
Piper scrunched up her nose. “You don’t have to be perfect. You’re already better than the guy before you. Right, Connor?”
He nodded, but I flicked his agreement away.
“I need to be perfect. Dick basically lost every game, and he’s still considered a legend. I’m new and a woman, there’s a lot riding on whether or not I can take this team to the end. It’s state or bust.”
Connor made a dubious noise next to me, and I glanced his way to see him shaking his head ever so slightly.
“So, we’re going out after?” Sonja asked. “Should we just meet you at the Public, or do you want to go somewhere else?”
Piper bounced on her toes. “Yeah. Birthday girl’s choice. Don’t let my relat
ionship with the owner sway you.”
I laughed at her. “No, the Public is good.”
We made plans for me to meet them in about forty-five minutes and said good-bye. When they walked off toward the exit gate, Connor brushed up against me.
“Birthday?”
I looked up at him. “Hmm?”
“Why didn’t you tell me it’s your birthday? How old are you?”
“First of all, I didn’t tell anyone. Second, I didn’t know that was a thing we were doing.” I supposed it was up to me to set the rules of this thing we were doing, but I was way out of my league. “And third, don’t you know it’s not polite to ask a woman her age?”
“I’m not known for my politeness,” he said, and I couldn’t disagree with him there. He shoved his hands in his pockets and we took our time as we sauntered to the end zone. “I’m thirty-one. My birthday is January second.” And then he waited me out in silence.
I sighed. “I’m thirty-two today.”
“Basically an old hag,” he deadpanned.
“Don’t joke,” I said, the truth falling from my tongue before I could stop it. “I’ve got anxiety about it.”
“Anxiety for what?”
I waved to Jim, who threw me a thumbs-up from his spot by the concessions stand. “I thought I would’ve accomplished more by now. I’m solidly in adulthood yet have nothing much to show for it. No big success in my career, no house, no man. No nothing. Not even a dog.”
He stayed silent, and I wished I could take it all back. I’d revealed too much of myself to him, making us uneven. He knew more about me than I did about him.
“I wouldn’t say nothing,” he said finally, stopping at the end of the fence. “You’ve got your own Wikipedia page.”
“Oh, so you finally did some research, huh?”
“I have to keep up with you.” He elbowed me, then glanced over his shoulder to where his mom and brother waited for him. “The rest will fall into place.”
“Nice platitude.”
He smiled sadly, a slight tic, only slightly indistinguishable from his other smirks. “I’m still hoping for my puzzle pieces to fit too.”
A million and one questions entered my brain, but none would be answered now, or anytime soon, given his tight-lipped nature. Instead of asking them, I gave a quick hello to his family, including big hugs, and parted ways with him. But before I got too far, he called out to me, “Hey. See you tonight.”
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