Leaving was the only power he still had in the situation.
The only power he had ever seemed to have.
Carter yanked the barn keys out of his pocket and tossed them to Rhett. “I suppose I won’t be needing those any longer.”
Rhett caught the keys. “Thank you for doing the right thing.”
He swallowed the response that rose to his lips. Arguing with people who thought the worst of him wasn’t worthwhile. Carter would leave and they wouldn’t miss him, but first he would make sure the animals that needed immediate care got it. Carter pointed at Wing.
“Someone needs to wash him with Dawn until the paint is gone. Dab Vaseline on his eyes before you start, though, so the suds don’t hurt them.” He thumbed in the direction of the nearest stall. “Sheriff blew an abscess this morning. I just finished soaking it in Epsom salt but someone needs to pack his hoof with antibiotic and wrap it. I’d tape over it because he’s not one to stay still.” Carter bumped Wade’s shoulder a little harder than necessary when he pushed by him to get out of the barn.
Shannon shot past Carter and skirted to a stop in front of him, blocking his path. Her eyes were wide and a little wild as they searched his. “You can’t just leave.”
He looked away, off toward the field, because the sight of her upset did funny things to his heart and made him want to reach toward her. Which was the last thing he needed to do right now.
She grabbed his arm. “You’re just going to leave Wing like this?”
Carter slipped out of her touch. A quick glance over his shoulder confirmed his suspicion—both her brothers were only a few feet behind them, watching everything. “I need to go.”
She swiped at her eyes. “He’s bonded to you, Carter. You can’t just walk out on him.”
He had to go. He had to make an exit before he broke down. Because a part of him wondered—hoped—that she was talking about herself and not about the goose. But that was the type of wishful thinking that would hurt him the most. Hadn’t Shannon told him he would be easy to replace? That she couldn’t wait for him to go?
The memory of her words finally propelled him into motion. Shannon calling after him only caused his feet to stumble twice on the trek back to his bunkhouse.
One good thing about having so few belongings was he could vacate a place in record time. Although, by the time Carter reached his bunkhouse, his legs were shaking. Leaving this place felt different. His gut clenched as he shoved things into his duffel bag. For a month this had been home—not just a place to live, but a real home.
Getting out was for the best, though. He had let himself get carried away, falling for Shannon. His heart was too involved and leaving would save him that. Save him further pain.
At least that was what he told himself as he drove out of the driveway and turned onto the street, Red Dog Ranch getting smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror.
Chapter Ten
“And don’t you forget to water all my plants.” Mrs. Spira hugged Carter. She gave great hugs—tight but not too tight, and she held on long enough to show she cared but not too long to make things awkward. She let go, but only to step back and settle her hands on his shoulders. “I’m especially worried about a little apple tree I planted in the back a few years ago, so keep an eye on it. It may look scrawny and it hasn’t given fruit in the three years I’ve been growing it, but I believe it has good roots and its season is coming. It’ll bear fruit when the time is right and until then our job is to faithfully tend it.”
Dr. Spira came up behind Carter and slapped him on the back. “She’s talking more about you than that scraggly tree and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll listen to her. She’s a smart old bird.” He wrapped an arm around his wife and tugged her to his side as he pressed a kiss to her temple.
She swatted at her husband. “Oh, you.”
Watching them interact caused an ache to spread through Carter’s chest.
Was it wrong to want that?
After leaving Red Dog Ranch he had headed straight to the Spiras’ house. On the drive there, Carter had decided that he would come clean and tell them every last piece of his story. Would they reject him like everyone else had? When he arrived, they had welcomed him warmly and sat on either of his sides on the couch, both of them holding his hands as he spilled everything he was ashamed of. Every regret in his life. Nothing sugarcoated.
They hadn’t let go.
In fact, Mrs. Spira had put clean sheets on the guest bed and had invited him to live with them for as long as he wanted. Dr. Spira had hugged him and told him how much God loved him and that they did, too. They knew everything, yet they were leaving him alone in their home with all their belongings while they left for a trip to meet their newest grandchild. They hadn’t judged him. Instead, they had chosen to believe him and put their trust in him.
It was a first in Carter’s experience and he didn’t take the honor lightly.
“She’s right, you know,” the doctor said. “You are like that little tree in our backyard. You love the Lord, Carter. I know it looks different in your life than in the typical church person’s but that doesn’t make your love of God or your commitment to Him any less true or real. After what you’ve been through in your life, even an ounce of faith is a huge and wonderful thing. As a Christian, you have planted roots in God, and as long as you let Him, He will water your roots.”
Mrs. Spira nodded along. “There’s a verse about it, in the book of Psalms.” She went to the pile of bags by the front door and dug her Bible out. “Right here in the very first psalm it says, ‘And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.’” She closed her Bible and smiled at Carter. “That’s you, son. If you believe in God and continue trying to walk in His ways, your season of bearing fruit will come in time. Everyone’s time is different, so comparing yourself or your spiritual journey to others doesn’t work. In fact, it’ll only ever hurt us.” She hugged her Bible to her chest. “And later in that psalm it says that God will not judge His people. That’s you, in case you weren’t tracking along.” She winked.
Dr. Spira’s smile held more fatherly warmth than Carter had ever seen in his thirty years of life. “You are free, Carter Kelly, so stop living under the weight of a judgment that doesn’t exist.”
Carter’s throat burned as he hugged them both goodbye again. It was still burning an hour later when someone knocked on the front door. Not only had the Spiras tasked him with watching over their house while they were gone, but the veterinarian had convinced him to handle all emergency calls at the clinic. It could be anyone.
But it wasn’t just anyone.
When he swung the door open, it was Shannon standing on the front porch. She gave him a soft, slow smile that did crazy things to his heart.
Carter gripped the door frame. “What are you doing here?”
“My brothers are wrong about you.” She fisted her hands. “I told them that, too. I’m sorry I didn’t speak up when they were talking to you yesterday. It happened so fast.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” he said. “Everything in that file they have is true, Shannon. There’s no pretty way to explain it all away.”
“But you didn’t steal anything and you’re not that guy anymore.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’ve learned to trust myself again, Carter. And you’re the one who helped me have the strength to do that when I didn’t believe I ever could. I’m going to figure out who did it and clear you.”
Her words made his heart feel as if it was rapidly growing inside his chest. First because he was proud of her strength, and second, because she cared enough to want to clear his name.
“It’s enough to know you don’t think it’s true.” He thought about the day he
had asked her opinion about applying to the overseas program. When she had told him she was excited for him to go. Could he have read her meaning wrong? Because after this conversation it didn’t feel as if she wanted him to leave.
Her gaze captured his and didn’t waver. “Is it okay if I kiss you?”
Shock washed through him and he stuttered a few times before getting out, “Why would you want to—”
“Yes or no. It’s not a difficult question.”
He gulped. “It’s more than okay.”
With no other encouragement, Shannon stepped forward and put her hands low on his chest. She slid them to his sides, letting her fingers trail up his arms. He kept his hands to himself for the time being, wanting her to have the lead, the power to keep things going or abort whatever it was she was doing. Even though every cell within him screamed to touch her.
Carter’s breath shuddered along with his body. “You’re killing me.”
She just smirked, her eyes sparkling, and she brought her fingers to his jaw and drew his face down to hers.
Their lips were only an inch apart when Carter pulled back. “This isn’t a good idea. I have a past, Shannon.”
She guided his face back toward hers and the scents of caramel and vanilla wrapped around him. “I don’t care about your past.” Her lips whispered the words against his. She closed the last hair of space and that was all it took for Carter’s world to turn upside down. His fingers found the soft blond waves he had wanted to feel since the first day they met. His other hand scooped against the small of her back, drawing her against him.
How could this strong and brave and beautiful woman want him? She came from a good family and believed the best of people. She went out of her way to make sure everyone else in her world was happy and cared for. Shannon was the best person he had ever met. And he was a broken mess who didn’t deserve her, but in this moment he didn’t care. After what she had endured, Carter knew that her kiss and her trust were the most precious gifts he could have ever been given.
When they finally broke apart for air, he was the one who went right back for another.
The second time their kiss ended, Shannon pulled back a few inches, her hands resting on his chest, and looked up into his eyes. “I meant what I said. I don’t care about any mistakes in your past, only who you are now. And the man you are now is pretty irresistible.” Her laugh was husky.
It was time to tell her everything.
Carter took one of her hands and led her down the steps. Fingers entwined, he brought her to the Spiras’ backyard, which was a veritable nature center. Even though their house was technically in town, it sat on the very edge. Their backyard and side yard touched a forest preserve.
Large rock slabs paved the way for a winding walk around a little pond, tons of trees, flowering bushes and a big vegetable garden. The path meandered all over their acre of land.
“I’ve told you a lot about myself. More than I’ve told almost anyone.” The Spiras were the only exception. Their reaction to his unburdening gave him the courage to keep talking. “But there’s something I need you to know.” He paused, glancing at her. “You may not think I’m that great a person afterward.”
She squeezed his hand, a silent prod to keep talking.
Where to start?
Carter sucked in a fortifying breath. After seeing the Spiras together, Carter knew that was what he wanted for his life. Despite all the roadblocks he had faced getting to that conclusion, he knew he wanted love and a family. To start his own family tree far removed from his childhood experiences. If he held back from telling Shannon the worst of him, then he was also taking away the ability to know real, true love. Love like the Spiras had, which loved no matter what.
Would Shannon still want to be this near to him? He had to find out.
“One of the first things I discovered when I was homeless was that you could often find free food at churches. Whatever town I happened to be in, I would watch for potlucks or Bible studies and attend for the free food.” He shrugged, knowing it sounded silly. “I was eighteen and wandering the country when I walked into Audrey’s church.”
Shannon gasped. “Audrey Baker.”
He nodded. “Her dad was the pastor. She figured out I was homeless and took pity on me. When blizzard season hit, she started sneaking me into places at night. At first it was a big game to us, but then she suggested sneaking me into her bedroom.”
Shannon’s toe caught on a rock but Carter grabbed her before she fell.
He scratched at his forehead and scanned across the pond. “She said she was in love with me, but I think she got a thrill from going against her father more than anything. I thought I had found a home—a forever—but in the end I was only her rebellious phase. Nothing more.” He kicked at the ground. “When she realized she was pregnant, she turned on me. Said I’d wrecked her life. She had wanted to go away to college that fall and her parents forced her to postpone it. She told me she wasn’t about to have the spawn of some homeless piece of trash.”
“Spawn? Trash?” Her whispered words held a note of horror. Shannon touched his shoulder. “That was ugly and horrible of her. But like you once said to me, people’s actions reveal who they are, not who you are. I hope you didn’t take her words to heart.”
Not take them to heart? He had felt like a worthless piece of trash every day since Audrey said those things.
He had to keep talking, to get it all out. “She knew I wanted to travel, but I told her I would settle down, find work and do whatever I could to provide a stable life for both her and our child. My whole life my parents had made me feel unwanted. I didn’t ever want a child of mine to feel that way,” Carter said. “When I found out she was pregnant—thinking about becoming a dad changed my life. I knew I didn’t want to be like my father or my stepfather, so I ended up turning to God for help. I became a Christian during that time.”
He laughed once, bitterly. “Even still, she didn’t want the child and wanted me even less. I wasn’t good enough for them, though supposedly God said I am. Her parents accused me of ruining her. Not that I blame them. That’s when they took out the restraining order—they were afraid I would convince her to marry me and raise our baby. They said I’d done plenty of damage already and they weren’t going to let me do any more. As if owning up to responsibilities was a bad thing.”
Shannon opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again. “What happened to the baby?”
“The baby was stillborn.” And he hadn’t been there. Hadn’t been allowed at the hospital because of the order, so he’d never got the opportunity to have closure or hold his child. Never got to say goodbye. It still hurt. “I know I hadn’t originally been planning to become a dad or settle down so young, but something inside me broke when I found out.” He touched his hand to his chest as a sharp pain went through his heart like it always did when he remembered his child. “I went to the church elders for counsel and do you know what they told me? They told me that it was a blessing.” He spit the word out. Even after all these years, his gut clenched at the words and they made his chest burn with anger. “That God was protecting me from my sin. They called the death of my child a blessing, Shannon.”
She stepped in front of him and drew both of his hands into hers. “I’m so sorry.”
“I told them that what they were saying didn’t sound like the God I had been getting to know by reading the Bible. And they answered me the same way my mom had the day I left.” Despite his effort to control his voice, it wavered. “They said it would be better for everyone if I just left. So I did.” He met Shannon’s gaze and held it. She hadn’t pulled away. “The church people ran me out of that town, so I’ve never walked into another church since.”
“God didn’t run you out, Carter. Never attending church again hurts you, not them. It robs you of the chance of being in community.” Shannon took a half step closer
. “And not all Christians are like that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure plenty are—there’s so much rushing to judgment and the online world only seems to have made that worse—but the people who count will love you and stick by you no matter what.”
Love? Had she said love?
So spent from dragging up everything about Audrey, Carter didn’t have it in him to dig into her use of such an important word. It probably meant nothing. He sighed. “I just wanted you to know. But I haven’t... In case you were wondering...” He moistened his lips. “I haven’t even kissed anyone since Audrey. Until you.”
And if he had his way, he would never kiss another after Shannon.
* * *
Shannon’s heart had twisted a hundred different times as Carter told her what had happened in his past. She wanted to cry for the young man who hadn’t been able to tell his child goodbye and the guy who had been told by the girl he loved that she thought he was total trash. No wonder Carter didn’t open up to anyone. Before today, Shannon had been forced to pry information from him, little by little. Now his reservations made perfect sense. It was beyond her understanding how Carter had turned out to be such a kind and caring man amid all he had faced. Between his parents, his stepfather and what had happened with Audrey, he could have been cold and angry.
But Carter had never been anything but warm and compassionate to Shannon. And she had seen him again and again go out of his way to help Easton and the girls in their riding group.
If he had feared that telling her about Audrey would drive her away, he couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything, he had only endeared himself to her more. They had both made some huge mistakes in previous relationships, and they both knew what it was like to trust and love the wrong person. For the person who should have cherished them to wound with words and belittle them.
The Wrangler's Last Chance (Red Dog Ranch Book 3) Page 13