Wade nodded. “We just got off with Boone.”
“How?” A sob burst from her mouth. Carter held her more securely against his chest.
Wade glanced at Carter and then back to Shannon. “She was on that hiking trip with some ladies from her church. They were taking a group picture near a ledge.” Wade’s voice hitched. “She fell.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It was a three-hundred-foot sheer drop to the rocks.” He closed his eyes as he wrapped his hand over his mouth.
Shannon trembled in Carter’s arms and then she unwound herself and stumbled toward her brother. Wade pulled her into a hug and they both started crying together. Carter stepped backward until he was against the wall. It felt as if he shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t bear witness to this moment of their deep, private pain.
“We have to go up to the house.” Wade set Shannon back a little from himself. “Boone asked that we handle all funeral arrangements. He’s got his hands full with Hailey, but they’re trying to get on the first plane here so they can be with us. He wants the funeral here, of course, since all their family lives near.” Wade guided Shannon out of the barn and neither gave a backward glance to Carter.
Carter had never felt more like an outsider, like he didn’t belong, than he did right now.
Chapter Twelve
A day later, the second Boone had made it through the door of Rhett’s house, Shannon threw her arms around him. “I’m so sorry. We all loved her so much.” Her tears were immediate and overwhelming. Boone’s arms came around her as they cried together.
While Boone and his family had lived out of state for the last few years, he and June were both locals. They had been high school sweethearts at Stillwater High. Shannon had known and loved June long before she was officially her sister-in-law, and Boone and June had lived at Red Dog Ranch for the first few years of their marriage. Early on, everyone had teased the couple because their names had rhymed and there had been all sorts of jovial speculation about what they would name their daughter when June was pregnant with Hailey.
And now June was gone. That quickly.
Just like their dad.
Life could change so drastically, so fast.
Boone’s breathing hitched and his shoulders shuddered as she hugged him, and that made Shannon cry even harder. Her brother was a rock of a man—he had arms like a bodybuilder yet he was incredibly book smart. Shannon loved all her brothers for different reasons. She knew she could go to Rhett with anything and he would help her. Wade had always been her best friend and also her confidant in mischief, and Boone had been an anchor for her. Steady, dependable and levelheaded. A unique blend of reasoning mixed with compassion. It tore her in two to see her big, strong brother so broken-down.
Boone let go of Shannon and moved on to the next person. Wade had gone to the airport to pick up Boone and Hailey while the rest of the family had assembled at Rhett’s to put final touches on the funeral that would take place on Wednesday. Wade walked into the house behind Boone, holding Hailey in one arm and Piper in the other. Cassidy went to Wade and placed her hand on his back as she greeted Hailey and kissed Piper on the cheek. Boone moved down the line, hugging Rhett, Macy and then their mother, who held on to him as if he might disappear if she let go.
As Hailey watched the scene, she suddenly burst into loud, uncontrollable tears. “I. Want. My. Mom.” Her tiny shoulders trembled with each sob. “I miss my mom,” she wailed. Boone snatched her away from Wade and headed upstairs without a word. A few people sniffled, but other than that they stood there in silence, listening to Hailey’s wild, mournful cries filling the house.
Kodiak lifted her head and let out a long, low whine.
Shannon bowed her head. Lord, I don’t know how to make this better. I don’t know how to help. Please, be here with us. Let us feel You here, even in this really hard stuff. Especially in this hard stuff. Be with Boone and Hailey.
Rhett braced his hand on the kitchen counter. “We are going to see and feel a lot of pain for a while. But this is what family does.” He tucked Macy close to his side. “Yes, we enjoy the good times together, but the important thing is we’re here for each other when times are the hardest. I don’t know how Boone and Hailey will deal with this, but I do know we’re going to be with them every step of the way.”
Shannon nodded along. She had never loved her family more.
* * *
Shannon hadn’t seen Carter since Saturday after the horse show, so by Tuesday afternoon she ended up seeking him out. She didn’t blame him for not coming to find her on Sunday or Monday—she had been busy with her family. But now she wanted someone she could go to with her grief. She wanted someone to be there for her because she felt completely drained and wrung out and knew it would only be harder tomorrow at the funeral.
She wanted Carter.
She found him mucking out the stall Hawken had been using. He had moved Hawken to the one next door, and the palomino, along with Carter’s ever-present goose surveyor in the hallway, watched the man’s every move.
“Hey, you.” Shannon came up to the open doorway.
Carter leaned on the rake he had been using to spread the fresh straw. His gaze slowly appraised her. “How are you doing with everything?”
“Not great.” She knit her fingers together. “It’s really sad and it’s really hard. I know that’s not super eloquent, but I don’t have the reserves for eloquence right now. It’s just so incredibly sad.” She looked down at her entwined fingers. “Nothing I say to Boone is going to help and Hailey is a mess.”
Carter’s smile was sad but encouraging. “It’ll take a long time before things feel normal. And honestly, life will probably never be normal for them again. But they just need you around, Shannon. That’s the best thing you can do.”
She loved that Carter’s advice always seemed to be a balance of truth and compassion. She gave him a watery smile. “I’ve really missed you.”
He returned a sad smile but made no move toward her.
Why hadn’t Carter put the rake down? They were five feet apart. She just needed him to bridge five feet and hold her. Was that too much to ask?
She swiped at her eyes. “So the funeral is tomorrow at eleven. The ceremony is, of course, being held here at the ranch’s chapel.” She dug into her front pocket for one of the tissues she had stashed there earlier. “There will be a seat for you up in front by me.”
“I—ah.” Carter rubbed at his jaw, looked away. “I can’t sit up front with your family.”
“Of course you can.” Shannon felt as if she couldn’t fill her lungs completely with air no matter how hard she tried. “I need you there, Carter.”
Leaning the rake against the wall, he held up a hand in a gesture that could only be interpreted as stay back. “I didn’t know June Jarrett and I’ve never met Boone. It feels...wrong...to have a front-row seat to something so intimate.”
There was a painful tightening in the back of her throat. Why was he making this difficult? Why couldn’t he just be there for her like she needed him to be? “You wouldn’t be sitting up there for them. You’d be there for me.” She pressed her hands to her chest.
He edged around her into the hallway. “I can’t.”
She reached for him, but her reaction time was too slow and her hand only grabbed air. “I need you, Carter. This is really hard. I need you there.”
Carter’s lips pressed together, forming a slight grimace. “You don’t need me. You never have.”
“I do.”
The muscle that ran along his jaw ticked once, twice. He folded his arms over his chest. “I didn’t even attend my own mother’s funeral, Shannon. I’m not attending this one, either.”
Shannon laid a hand on the outer wall of the stall for support. “I thought...” She looked up, searching to meet Carter’s eyes but he kept his head down. “But as my boyfriend...”
/> His eyes closed and he sighed deeply as he rubbed his forehead. “I’m not your boyfriend. We never—I’m not your boyfriend.”
Every hug, every kiss, every deep conversation flashed through her mind. Sure, they hadn’t said the words...but they had been acting like a couple for a while now. She had told him she loved him.
Indignation and a dash of humiliation rose up, burning her throat, making it feel raw. “Oh, so you just make out with girls and then don’t date them. Is that it?”
At least he had the decency to flinch.
“Why are you acting like this?” Shannon took a few cautious steps closer. “This isn’t you. This isn’t how you’ve been the whole time we’ve known each other.”
He finally met her gaze and his eyes were empty of emotion; looking into them caused a chill to race down her back. She had once compared his eyes to a welcoming ocean that beckoned her to dive in, but no longer. No, they were the dark waters of nighttime sailing, with dangers lurking under the stillness. What was going on in his mind? What had caused him to act like this? She wished he would tell her.
“We’ve known each other a month, Shannon,” he said. “It’s been a good month, but I—I’ve got to get out of here.” He shoved his hand into his hair and pivoted away. “I’m not the boyfriend type and I’m certainly not the family type that goes to funerals.” He threw out a hand. “Besides, you don’t need me. You’re strong, Shannon. I’ve been saying that all along. You don’t need anyone to hold you up.”
A sense of betrayal shattered through her. Carter didn’t want her. He wanted to cut his losses and run. It had been foolish to believe that he would somehow change the pattern he had followed for the last thirteen years just because of her. Hadn’t she promised herself she wouldn’t be led by her emotions any longer?
This was why. The pain. The sense of something vital being torn from her insides.
Love wasn’t worth this.
Tears blasted down her cheeks, but she didn’t bother to wipe them away. Shannon forced all the muscles in her body to tense as she marched up to Carter and said, “Being strong doesn’t negate needing other people. Actually, I think it’s the opposite. I think strong people are the ones who can admit they need others, that they can’t handle life on their own. But you? You just run away whenever life gets difficult or sticky. All you know how to do is walk away and then you make yourself feel better by telling yourself that you’re somehow strong because you’re all alone in life. But the truth is you’re weak, Carter. You’re a coward who only knows how to tuck your tail and run.”
His nostrils widened as he worked his jaw back and forth. “Well, at least there’s something we agree on.” He brushed past her, getting out of the cornered situation she had him in. “If you don’t mind, I need to get out of here. I’m so good at running away, after all. I’m sorry I wasted your time these last few weeks.” He shoved through the door that led outside.
Shannon followed on his heels, wanting to apologize instantly but also feeling far too drained to chase after him. Besides, he owed her an apology, too.
All she saw was his back and as she grabbed the doorjamb to keep her feet, she wondered if this image of Carter’s strong shoulders getting smaller and smaller would be the last of him she would ever see. But after his words, she shouldn’t care. She wouldn’t care.
There were more important things going on in her life than a broken heart.
* * *
More than likely, Carter should have turned his truck right toward the city limits and driven as far as his tank of gas would take him. He should have packed his things and headed for the state line and never looked back.
He should have done a lot of things that he hadn’t.
As if on autopilot, he drove straight to the Spiras’. Over the past few weeks their home had become a sort of safe haven for him. When he arrived, he tossed his truck into Park and yanked the keys out of the ignition. Then, gripping the wheel tightly, he pressed his forehead against it and let out a loud yell.
Saying those things...walking away from Shannon Jarrett had been the most difficult thing he had ever done in his life. And Carter had done his share of difficult things. It’s for the best. It’s for her best. Maybe if he kept repeating that, it might stop feeling as if he had left half of himself at Red Dog Ranch.
But he wasn’t holding his breath.
A light tap against his window made him lift his head. Mrs. Spira beamed at him as if his face wasn’t streaked red from the tears he had shed during his drive over and he hadn’t just been hollering in her driveway.
With green-gloved hands, she lofted a large metal watering can. “I could use your strong, young back if you’re actually planning to get out of that thing you call a truck.” She spoke loudly to be heard through his closed door.
Carter scrubbed his hand down his face, took a deep breath and headed outside.
Her lips skewed to the side as she squinted at him. “Let me guess.” She wagged her finger. “You went and did something really stupid.”
He exhaled a harsh puff of air. “Stupid? Yes. Necessary? Unfortunately, also, yes.”
She foisted the watering can into his hands and waved for him to follow her. “Keep up now.” She brought him to the lush backyard and directed him to water a little tree. “That one’s doing all right.” She walked over to another potted tree, which was limp and discolored. She ran a finger over the tiny trunk. “This is one of the branches I’m trying to grow a tree from but it’s not taking correctly. I feel as if I’ve done everything right but the roots aren’t growing.” She huffed. “All the waiting can be beyond frustrating.”
Mrs. Spira tugged off one of her gardening gloves so she could reach inside the oversize pockets on the apron she wore. She pulled a packet of Miracle-Gro out and poured it into the watering can.
“I think it just needs the right food, is all. And some more time.” She eased the watering can from his hands and sprinkled the mixture over the potted branch. “I’m not ready to give up on it quite yet.” Using the back of her hand, she lightly smacked his shoulder. “Some people would give up on it, you know. They’d toss it away, never knowing what a beautiful tree it could become.” She headed to the next patch of growth and used the watering can there. Then, without looking at him, she said, “You had a row with your lady, didn’t you?”
“She’s not my lady.” And if she ever had been, she certainly wasn’t anymore after how he had acted.
Mrs. Spira laughed loudly. “My right eye she’s not.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Oh, Carter, life is complicated. Be happy for that. If it’s not complicated it’s because you’ve died.” She popped a hand to her hip. “We face struggles of all kinds from the day we’re born until that last breath. So don’t feed me it’s complicated.”
Carter felt his lips twitching with a smile. “Has anyone ever told you that you don’t hold back?”
She batted her hand in the air. “Life’s too short to be agreeable.” She set the watering can down next to a sawed-off tree stump and pointed toward a small metal table and chair set nearby. Once they were seated, she slapped her gloves onto the table. “Well, out with it. What did you do?”
“I left Red Dog Ranch,” he said. “For good.”
She nodded along as if she had expected as much. “And why would you go and do a thing like that?”
“Because I can’t stay at that ranch and not be in love with Shannon at the same time.” He splayed his hands on the table. “It’s not physically possible.” He thought back to Saturday in the barn after the horse show. “I tried to pull back, to just be a coworker, but we ended up kissing again.”
Mrs. Spira leaned her chin on her fist and smiled as widely as the Cheshire cat.
“So I had to push her away,” Carter said. “I’m not the tied-down kind of guy. I don’t want people counting on me w
hen I know I’m only going to end up letting them down eventually. I always do, even when I try not to.” The words felt gummy and wrong in his mouth but he said them anyway. “She wanted me to sit beside her at June Jarrett’s funeral—up front.”
Mrs. Spira looked on thoughtfully but didn’t open her mouth. Odd.
So Carter rambled on. “When I came here, the plan was to save money, learn and get out. I was never supposed to become entrenched enough with anyone to be expected to sit in the front row at a funeral.”
“Oh, my.” She folded her hands on the table and her shoulders rose with a long inhale. “Now, I’m not a doctor, but it sounds to me like you have a very serious condition.”
A tingle of worry skated down his back. “Condition?”
“Indeed.” She nodded solemnly. “It sounds as if you have a very serious condition called being human.” Mrs. Spira frowned. “I’m sorry to tell you, but it’s incurable. And because of it you will make mistakes until the day you die.” Her eyes grew wide as she stage-whispered, “I have it, too.”
Where had the Spiras been his whole life? If they had been in his life earlier, Carter could have been saved from so many troubles and mistakes.
Carter heaved a sigh. “So at least I’m in good company.”
“Have you ever heard about the parable of the sowers?” Mrs. Spira asked. “It’s in the Bible.”
“Of course,” he said, but then he wasn’t completely sure, so he followed that up with the gist of what he remembered. “It’s the one where some seeds were thrown onto rocks and other seeds went into soil. The ones on the rocks never grew, and some in parts of the soil grew but they were choked by weeds, and some flourished.”
Mrs. Spira looked as if she wanted to hand him a gold star sticker. “Great summary,” she said. “Now, what does it tell you about the different types of soil?”
He shrugged. “I guess that you need good soil and no weeds to have the best chance at growing something.”
The Wrangler's Last Chance (Red Dog Ranch Book 3) Page 16