The Handbook

by H. P. Mallory

  I opened my door as I wondered how in the hell I was going to face him after he’d just refused me. I was mortified at the very thought of having to look into his face and see his expression of pity.

  He walked around the Bronco and held my door open for me, reaching out and taking my hand as he assisted me down to the cold asphalt below. Then he took my elbow when I tripped over my own feet, and I was further humiliated because he was right—I was so drunk, I couldn’t even stand up, let alone walk.

  “I’m so embarrassed,” I said finally, once the frog in my throat hopped back down into my stomach.

  “Don’t be,” he offered and patted me on the back like I was a kid. “Just get a good night’s sleep and remember that tomorrow is a new day.”

  Tomorrow. I couldn’t even stomach the idea of how I would feel in the morning, when I didn’t have the delirium of inebriation to soften my mortification.

  I didn’t say anything, but I allowed him to help me up the stairs and through the double entry doors of the sorority house. Luckily no one was milling around the living room or the kitchen which was just off the entryway. The last thing I wanted right now was an audience.

  As soon as we reached the bottom of the stairs, Dani appeared with Luke in the hallway above us. She immediately came down and took my other arm as Derek released me. Luke was right behind her.

  “Thanks for your help,” she said to Derek as she smiled with obvious gratitude. “I can take her the rest of the way.”

  “No problem,” Derek answered. “Hope you feel better, Nik.”

  “Thanks,” I grumbled as I leaned into Dani and took a deep breath, trying to force my tears back. I heard the sound of Derek’s and Luke’s footsteps on the hardwood floors and then the sound of the door closing behind them. By that time, we’d reached our room, and Dani opened the door as I fell onto my bed and the sobs came.

  She closed the door behind her and then she was momentarily by my side, her hand on my back. “It’s okay, Nik, it’s going to be okay,” she crooned.

  “No, it isn’t!” I wailed as I reprimanded myself for being so stupid. I’d completely disregarded everything Jane Doe had said, I’d disregarded everything I’d learned in The Femme Fatale Handbook, and this was my punishment. This was what I got when I threw myself at a man who didn’t want me.

  “You are over him, you know you are,” Dani started as I wondered what the hell she was talking about. “Don’t let this set you back. You were just fine before you saw him.”

  “I’m not talking about Brandon!” I railed back at her, suddenly angry that we weren’t on the same page. “I don’t care about Brandon,” I continued as I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and hiccupped.

  “Then what?” she started as she shook her head and faced me in total confusion.

  I didn’t even want to say it, the words were so despicable to me. “I just came onto Derek and he pushed me away!” She cringed slightly, and that was when it hit me that I’d totally fucked up. I collapsed against my bed in a new fit of tears as I bemoaned my own horrible luck.

  “That’s not terrible, Nik,” Dani said as she resumed the rubbing of my back.

  “Bullshit, Dani, it’s terrible and you know it!”

  “No, it’s not,” she insisted. “There’s no way he was going to do anything with you in his car with Luke and me in here and you as drunk as you are!” She shrugged. “Actually, he did the right thing.”

  I stopped crying and started listening to her because she had a point. “He did?”

  “Yes!” she insisted. “He’s a good guy, remember?”

  I wasn’t so sure about that, but decided not to argue it. “So you don’t think I totally messed up?” I asked.

  “No,” she answered as she shook her head and smiled at me. “But, just for the sake of curiosity, what did he say or do after he pushed you away?”

  “Um,” I started as I tried to remember, which wasn’t an easy affair because everything was sort of clouded with the jelly of inebriation. “I told him I was totally embarrassed and he told me not to be. He told me to get some sleep and that tomorrow was a new day.” I took a breath. “Then he patted me on the back like I was his trusted dog or something.”

  Dani laughed. “He’s fine, Nik. Everything is going to be fine.”

  “It doesn’t feel like it’s going to be fine,” I grumbled. “And what if he tells Luke that I threw myself at him?”

  “He won’t,” Dani assured me. “I don’t think Derek would do that to you. He respects you way too much.”

  “Respects me?” I repeated, doubtful.

  “Yeah, why else would he have come to your rescue by putting his arm around you when we walked past Brandon?”

  “He said he did it because he was afraid I was going to trip.”

  “Total and complete bullshit.” Dani shook her head. “He said that because he’s proud and he didn’t want to admit that he was saving you. What he did wasn’t about helping you walk straight, dummy. He was pretending to be your boyfriend, Nik,” she continued, frowning at me like I should have been smart enough to figure this out on my own. “I watched him when he did it, and he looked right at Brandon in, like, a challenging way.” She took a breath. “I don’t believe for a second that he was just doing it so you wouldn’t nosedive in front of everyone.”

  “Well, either way, he probably hates me now,” I said with a sniffle. I was sure I’d leaked snot all over my bed, but at this point, I couldn’t say I even cared.

  “He doesn’t hate you,” Dani said with a laugh. “There’s no way that man could ever hate you. I saw the way he looks at you and the way he teases you. He’s smitten.”

  “Whatever,” I argued as I shook my head. “Now I’m going to have to start all over again.”

  “With what?”

  “Finding a new target,” I answered as I wiped my nose across my sleeve and Dani frowned at me. She stood up and reached for the box of tissues she kept beside her bed.

  “Use these ’cause you’re grossing me out,” she said as she shoved them at me.

  I took one and dutifully blew my nose. Then I threw the wet clump of tissue into the trash can as I faced her. “I totally blew everything I’d been working towards,” I said as I shook my head and felt sorry for myself.

  “What did you blow?”

  “My training!” I railed at her, irritated that she still wasn’t following me. “Jane said we should never get too drunk that we don’t make good decisions, and look what I did! In one evening I just undid everything I’ve worked so hard for!”

  Dani shook her head. “You’re being way too dramatic. All hope isn’t lost.” Then she reached down and started unbuckling my strappy shoes. “What you need to do is get a good night’s sleep, and tomorrow we will come up with a course of action, a plan.”

  I yawned in spite of myself and assisted her in taking my clothes off. She walked to our dresser and, reaching into the bottom drawer, pulled out my pink Victoria’s Secret jammies, handing them to me. I put them on and then climbed under my covers, suddenly feeling exhausted.

  “Thanks for being such a good BFF,” I said as my head hit the pillow.

  “You’re welcome,” Dani answered as she got undressed and then put her nightgown on. She padded over to her bed and climbed under the covers. “I’m sure you’ll be playing this role soon enough. Although let’s hope I don’t try to attack a guy in his car in front of ZTS while my best friend is waiting for my sorry, drunk ass,” she finished with a laugh.

  I had to laugh with her because it was the only thing left to do.

  TWENTY-SIX

  The Femme Fatale Handbook

  Part Two: Putting all of this to use

  Chapter Nine: Be Popular!

  When I titled this chapter, I didn’t mean that you need to get out there and make a ton of new friends in order to win popularity contests. Well, sort of. What I mean is this: men, and people in general, think something is worth more when other people also want it. Transla
ted, that means a man wants to know that you’re wanted by more than just him. He wants to know that you’re a prize he had to wrestle away from other men.

  Need an example? Think about an auction. Have you ever seen people at an auction get into a frenzy about winning something when multiple people start betting on it? Whatever it was that they were betting on in the first place suddenly no longer matters, the importance shifting to the action of becoming the winner against other bidders.

  If that comparison didn’t strike a chord with you, think about the restaurant business. Imagine a new restaurant opens up nearby, but you notice it’s always empty, what would you imagine the food was like? Probably not good, right? In general, restaurants that are brimming with patrons only attract more patrons. Why? Because people figure that if other people like the food there, it must be good. Well, the same rule applies to people. If other men want to spend time with you, there must be a reason why. If you’re in high demand, a man will notice it and he’ll want you more.

  Seduction follows similar rules. A man wants to feel like he won you—that you are a prize highly valued by other men. He wants the ego boost of knowing you have many options, many guys to choose from and yet you choose to spend your valuable and scarce time with him. It’s basically self-validation—proof that he must be pretty darn special in order to have won your affections, someone who has many other choices. But, the key to remember here, is that he will never win your affections entirely. Not if you’re a true femme fatale. He might win your attention for a day or so, but there will always be other men waiting in the wings. And he knows this, which is why he constantly competes for your attention.

  So how do you become popular when the only company you have are the crickets chirping in your room? Simple, reach out to male friends in your circle, and if you don’t have any, make some. If you’ve been neglecting your social life, now is the time to focus on it wholeheartedly. Any and all men are viable subjects as long as they aren’t related to you. Think friends, ex-boyfriends, would-be boyfriends, the guy you met at the supermarket last week, the cute guy who always helps you at the post office, get creative! It’s time to build your reputation as a woman whom men want to be around. It’s time to get the object of your interest to compete for your attention!

  Why is this important? For the following reasons:

  It prevents you from stressing over one particular guy. The more men you have at your disposal, the less attached you’ll get to just one.

  The more the merrier! Why settle for just one guy, when you can play with more? You’ll feel better about yourself as well. (Think about it—having lots of guys reaching out to you? Talk about a confidence boost!)

  You’ll look better to him. If you have multiple men vying for your attention, he’s going to realize he has to up his game in order to win you. You become someone more highly valued.

  It reminds you that you have options so you can dump any guy who isn’t living up to your expectations. If you have choices, you don’t have to stick with one guy if he isn’t working out.

  It levels the playing field … if he’s desirable to you, he’s probably desirable to other women, which means he has options. So shouldn’t you have options as well? (The answer is yes!)

  ***

  NIKKI

  When I woke up, the vapors of my drunken delirium were still haunting my head, making it ache like an SOB. Luckily, I didn’t have class today which meant I could stay in bed all day and study for the last final of my sophomore year, which just happened to be tomorrow. That, and I could do my best to forget the fact that I’d come on to Derek last night.

  Oh my God, I came on to Derek last night, the words echoed through my sluggish mind, causing a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. As soon as the thought occurred to me, Dani opened the door and walked in with a towel wrapped around her head and another one around her body.

  “Good morning, sunshine,” she said cheerily. “How’s my little alky this morning?”

  “Completely mortified, humiliated and embarrassed about what I did last night,” I grumbled. “And it tastes like a dog just took a huge crap in my mouth,” I added, while making a face.

  “Well, don’t get too close to me then!” Dani said with a smile as she turned to her bed and started dressing in the outfit she’d laid out for herself.

  “Ha ha,” I muttered as I berated myself for being such a total and complete idiot. “How am I ever going to face him again?” I asked as my attention fixed on the dark brown carpet in our bedroom. “I can’t believe I did that last night.”

  “You’re going to face him just like you always do,” Dani answered as she pulled on her skinny jeans and smiled at me. “You’re going to act like nothing happened.”

  “How am I going to do that?”

  “You’re going to pretend,” she answered matter-of-factly. “I did you a favor and skimmed through our Femme Fatale Handbook to see if there might be a section on emergencies, and guess what?”

  “What?”

  “There was! So I read it, and guess what it said?”

  “What?”

  “Everything I just told you,” she answered with a smug smile. “Jane said that not all hope is lost and you just pick up right where you left off. You treat him the same way you were treating him and, above all, you maintain your self-confidence.”

  “That’s easier said than done.”

  “Yes, I’m sure it is, but it doesn’t change the fact that you need to stay the course.”

  “And what happens if there was too much damage done? What does Jane say then?” I asked, feeling the blossoming of hope.

  “Then you take it as a lesson and you move on,” Dani answered as she pulled out her plastic basket of toiletries and put on her Lady Speed Stick. “First things first, you have to forgive yourself and recognize that you’re human and you’re bound to make mistakes. Yes, the horse bucked you off, but you’re going to get right back up on it, and you’re going to take better control of those reins this time.”

  “I just don’t know how I can ever face him again, I’m so mortified,” I said as I shook my head. “And it’s not like he’s going to just sweep it under the rug, either.”

  “How do you know he won’t?”

  “Because he’s Derek, and he looks for any opportunity to make me uncomfortable,” I answered. “It’s like he gets some sick pleasure out of making me squirm.”

  “Well, if he does, then you laugh right along with him, like you don’t think it’s a big deal at all and it was all part of being happily drunk. Don’t play the part of the sad and miserable sap who can’t forgive herself. That’s showing weakness, remember?”

  “Yes,” I answered with a nod because I knew she was right.

  “And on that note, I’m headed to class for my last final of the year!” Dani said as she beamed at me and, walking toward me, gave me a quick peck on the top of my head. “If I don’t talk to you before you talk to Derek, good luck,” she finished with a salute.

  “Thanks, Dani, and good luck on your final,” I muttered as she grabbed her backpack, slung it over her shoulder and started for the door.

  ***

  It was maybe an hour later that Derek texted me, asking me to meet him at his office. As soon as I received the text, I got a sinking feeling in my gut, but I reminded myself of Dani’s words of wisdom and figured I better buck up. No, it wasn’t going to be easy to face him, but if I wanted to be a femme fatale, and I still did, I had to forgive myself and move on. End of story.

  So I got up, showered and, even though I wasn’t feeling it, I dressed myself up in a brown miniskirt and a tight pink T-shirt which I paired with my heeled brown flip-flops. I left my hair down and applied just a bit of makeup. Once I was happy with my reflection, I grabbed my purse and a notebook and started the fifteen-minute walk to Derek’s office.

  My mind was a mess of thoughts on the way there, and a few times I had to talk myself out of turning around and returning to the shelter
of my bedroom. No, I would be strong and I would face Derek and act like nothing important had happened last night. A tall order to be sure, but it was important that I do this for my own sense of self-esteem.

  When I reached the stairs leading up to the professors’ offices, it felt like I was treading quicksand. But I took a deep breath and forced myself forward, eventually coming to stand in front of Derek’s closed door. I was just about to knock when I heard his voice from the other side of the door, telling me to come in.

  With my heart in my throat, I dutifully turned the doorknob and pushed the door in as I noticed Derek sitting behind his desk. He was leaning into his swivel chair with his long legs on top of his desk, his ankles crossed.

  “Hi,” I said with the most self-assured smile I could muster, my heart pounding through me as I turned to close the door.

  “Nikki,” he said in greeting, as usual. “How’s your head?”

  “My head?” I asked, facing him quizzically.

  “Yeah, after how drunk you were last night, I figured you’d have a hangover and a half!”

  “Oh, that,” I said with a little laugh that I definitely didn’t feel. Yep, I’d known he wouldn’t let me live this one down. Ugh, why did he have to be so difficult all the time? “It’s fine. I mean, I’m tired, but I took enough Advil to sink a small ship.” Then I smiled at him warmly as I helped myself to the chair directly across from him and put my purse down on the floor. I kept my notebook in my lap. “How are you?”

  “I’m good,” he answered as he eyed me speculatively.

  “So what’s on for today?” I asked, leaning forward and trying to appear excited. “Are we going to review the curriculum for each class?”